What does paradise look like? I wouldn’t know, I currently reside in Hell.

I’ve been having troubles in the relationship department. I fell into a real funk/depression and I stopped paying attention to my basic needs, and those of my partner. I started acting really selfish and lazy, unmotivated and feeling greedy. I was craving comfort and destruction equally. I had previously banned bread from my diet, but now I ate it voraciously. And one night, I thoughtlessly agreed to go out for drinks with my male coworker and boss, the assistant manager.

I did not think Jake would know that I wanted a drink. (I ended up drinking more like 3) I thought we’d go there, make a little small talk for an hour while we drank, and that would be the end of it. I never had any designs on the man, because I actually suspect the assistant manager could be of the gay persuasion. I find the man enjoyable to talk to, he is my new Blake, but I don’t want him. I have what I have, and I am lucky to have him. Jake, the man who helps to save me from myself. He is giving me structure I have not previously known. I know that I require more discipline in my life, and he is just the sort of man to help me with those lessons in life. 

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Anyway, even though I know my boyfriend is a very possessive, jealous man, I agreed to go out to a bar at night with another man. It doesn’t matter that I think that man is gay and I never wanted him for myself. I have an excellent man, and he seems to think I am hell bent on breaking his heart. I break his trust all the time, and I was sorry that I decided to go out and thus disrespected my man. There are plenty of empty headed girls that would follow all his orders, who am I but one he could discard? Sometimes I feel like I am not worth the trouble. I just feel grateful to be able to stay here, and not go out on my own. For indeed, if my darling decides to make me leave anytime, I already know for sure that I will not return to my childhood home. I will be on my own, and if I am too scared to break loose and pursue those corporate dreams and live the independent life I’ve always dreamed, then I deserve all the bad treatment I allow myself to endure. I’m not ready to go anywhere, I feel very secure here in this home I have made with this man. We have been together a year next month and I don’t see us ending anytime soon, unless he wishes it. I always vehemently claim my love towards him and refuse to leave, even when he threatens I should. But he does not do that so often, in fact, I felt a great warmth and joy spread throughout me when he admitted that he loved the way I felt in his arms at night, he liked it when I cooked for him, he loved kicking it with me, and he loved having sex with me and thought me to be incredibly sexy. We both love that we are nerds of a feather, flock together. When he first showed me his collection of Dragonball Z movies, I was thrilled to learn we had that great thing in common. We both were passionate about nerdy things and shows and characters. He thinks I am the coolest, and he once told me that he wants to stay with me forever. He gets a little irritated when he refers to marriage nowadays, because he feels like I’m just holding out, ready to break his heart, since I won’t accept his hand in marriage. It’s just that I know how much he makes me cry. 

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