My grandpa’s dating a woman 5 years my mom’s senior, and I’m dating a guy 5 years younger than her. I have two dads, the man I thought was my father for 23 years, and the mexican ex-gang banger convict boyfriend of my mother. On top of just finding out that he is my father two years ago, I now have all these complicated answers to things. One of which is now when people ask me, “Are you hispanic/mexican?”
My inclination is still to say no, to not claim it. I feel ashamed that I didn’t know who I was until now. I’m a dumb mexican that doesn’t know spanish. I know no mexican values, but on the plus side was spared the craziness of Johnny’s whirlwind dysfunctional mexican family. All of them are good for nothings, ne’er-do-wells. I got a little mexican family values from my best friend’s family growing up. I was in a quinceanera and lol one of the first things my mom apologized to me about for keeping it a secret was “I’m sorry you didn’t get a quinceanera!” hahahha……
It’s all a big joke. My mother’s a drug addict, and that’s what my dad went to jail for. My mom hangs around with unsavory people, makes friends with homeless people and no doubt shares her smack. She’s going to wind up dead, and I feel responsible for it all. I find myself going 3 to 5 days without talking to my mom and it makes me feel better, not seeing or talking to her. I try to disassociate myself, cling to Jake. I get stressed out when I have to talk to her because it reminds me of how bad she’s doing.
Maybe I should be helping her, but maybe she shouldn’t be making it so hard.
Either way, I got Jake to finally finish up watching The Watchmen tonight. We had a kind of romantic moment between the two of us. If you haven’t seen the movie then spoilers!spoilers! When John and Laurie are on Mars on that cool thingy, he talks about how she came to be was a miracle. “Like turning air to gold,” he kept saying. Laurie’s mother fell in love with a man she had every reason to hate. And even though things were dysfunctional, through it all, it was worth it because Laurie was the end result. Jake said it reminded him of us, how neither of us (or anybody) gets to choose their parents, their beginnings.
All we can do is tell the story from here, make up our own way as we go. We can change what we started as, we can grow. We can be better, we can improve. We will rise above it all.