It feels like another life.

Tonight at work was pretty cool. I was working with Lisa the security guard and Sara, my old friend. It is quite nice to see Sara. She is such a nice, cool person. I enjoy her personality. She is so bright and her energy is infectious. She is sweet and professional. On one hand.

It was pretty funny the other night. We were working together, and she said, “I feel like you kind of passed the torch to me. I’m not as crazy as you were, but I’m getting there.” ^_~ It was a trip to remember how stupid I used to be when she and I were younger. When I was in my early twenties, I was a wild cat in some regards. I lied to my boyfriend and stayed out late, I snuck in drinking whenever I could. I went drunk driving, and never got caught or killed anyone or even anybody’s mailbox. Sara says she still drives by the Target on the other side sometimes and gets a little nostalgic. We used to sit behind this office building near there getting high at night after work, lying about our whereabouts to my boyfriend and her dad. She still lives with her dad.

Tonight, it was funny when I remarked to her how my relationship used to be. I pointed out to her how weird it must be for her to hear everyone talking nice about Jake and how great he is at this job, because everywhere else I’ve ever been they have an unfavorable impression of Jake since he would never let me go out drinking.

Jake likes to police my behavior, that much is still true. I told Sara I needed to meet her new boyfriend, and she said, “That’s what after hours are for.” I laughed a little and told her,

“I’m getting married,
there are no after hours anymore.”

It felt nice to say. In the past, it was a death sentence. But now, I am accepting of the fact that I don’t need to do those things any longer. I don’t need to get drunk. I don’t even like drinking beer anymore. I barely drink at all, even when I have the opportunity and Jake asks.

Tonight, Lisa and I were talking about our weddings. She says she’s getting married in November and I want to get married at the end of August. She found this awesome car that visits the hotel, it’s some kind of vintage black vehicle with fins and on it is painted these sweet flames. She says she wanted to have her pictures taken in front of it and use it as their getaway vehicle at the end of the ceremony and it cost a pretty penny. The owner of the car was asking for $800, $100/hr. She said her fiance would flip if he knew she wanted to spend that kind of money and Sara suggested subterfuge.

subterfuge

I mention this especially because Sara and I were versed in this when we were together. We were good friends who lied about things together. She is in fact the only reason Jake and I are still together, because she vouched for being with me the night Jake thinks I went out on a date with another guy. I claimed it was just this random guy we both worked with who ran into us at the bar, when really it was my current boss Latta I was out with. I couldn’t admit to going out for a drink with Latta because then I would have willing agreed to go out with another guy. Even if that guy is my boss and possibly gay, Jake would have been pissed so he still has never found out.

I am super glad that Sara is around. She is as wily as ever. When Lisa said he would flip, she suggested Lisa lie and tell him it was half the price. Lisa shook her head, knowing it was wrong to lie to her fiance. I could see the cogs turning in Sara’s head, and it was a blast to the past. Once, I  went out with Sara after work with our boss and a guy from another department who liked me for drinks and I told Jake I fell asleep while I was visiting my mom.(Nothing happened with said guy. I just drunk drove us all home and went home really late to Jake.)

Sara used to have to account for her whereabouts to her dad. She had a bad boyfriend whom she was engaged to, and we commiserated over our bad relationships. We always said if she’d break up with her guy, I’d have the courage to break up with mine. But we weren’t really friends when she let that guy out of her life, and now I am engaged to mine.

Somehow, everything is fine. I know that this is exactly what i want and I really don’t feel scared. I think about being with Jake always and I feel reassured, safe, and loved. I’m glad that Jake is obsessed with me. I’m absolutely glad that I am the most important detail of Jake’s life. He is the same for me, and that’s how our love should be and is. I used to resist it when I was younger, because I knew it would hurt if it ended….

But now I have faith that it won’t. I want him and only him forever. I’ve considered the fact that 6-8 years from now I could just divorce him, but that’s not a real possibility. If I feel that way, then why do it? I don’t feel that way. I feel like 20 years from now, I could be even happier with Jake. Our potential is endless, we are only going to go up from here, I KNOW IT.

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