Follow up on previous post:

I talked to my friend who is versed in the BDSM culture. She talked to me about the Daddy/Little dynamic and she didn’t necessarily see me as a little.

But is she right? She doesn’t know all of me, she doesn’t know what goes on behind closed doors. Sometimes I feel so helpless, it’s nice to think of Jake taking care of me. I always expect Jake to keep me safe and provide for me. Sometimes, because of my mental illness, simple things are hard for me to do. (I’m depressed and mentally unbalanced at times. An emotional basket case, one might say.)

Just for instance, yesterday I broke a long streak. I hadn’t had any panic attacks since november when I was last employed at the Renaissance (and that god awful stint at that other job) and now I have gone and had another attack. I was contemplating my health and how fucked I am if I keep relying on the Indians. I am reminded of how we trusted my Grandma with their care and now she’s dead 😦

Don’t think about it.

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Anyway, with the DD/LG relationship, I started to do some research about what a little is. (Reference this article, I subscribed)

I have these weird feelings on the topic. I don’t necessarily feel I should be as weirded out as social norms dictate, though. So it’s taboo; it’s just a different kind of relationship… in a way, Jake and I both have an active inner child. He’s my “Daddy” so to speak but he encourages my childish interests, like watching cartoons on netflix or collecting all my hello kitty dolls. I let him do everything for us, he takes care of me. I do things for him also, but this kind of relationship certainly makes me feel stimulated.

It reminds me of the other things we participate in. I have considered my previous lovers, and I will admit in the beginning of our relationship I did not consider Jacob my best lover. We didn’t make love or experience true passion, it was mechanical sex at times. As time went on, Jake and I grew closer and developed a more meaningful connection. Our connection has become so strong and my trust so evident in him, that we have engaged in auto-erotic asphyxiation. That sent our intimacy levels SKY ROCKETING and he instantly became the best lover I’d ever had after our first experience. I still love doing it from time to time. An excerpt from my journal:

It was so erotic. I had the sense of returning to my body. Those moments when I was gone were pure bliss, a plain of pleasure previously unknown. Truly addictive. Such pleasure is incredible, almost indescribable.

It is true and utter surrender. It is a higher plain, a wonderful nothingness that I somehow miss once I’ve come back. It truly gives meaning to the French references as the orgasm being called “the little death.”

That kind of submissive relationship is very arousing to me. I am always wanting us to engage in sensual forms of foreplay, but Jake gets impatient for the poking. I enjoy the idea of being blind folded and we both like food so I see no reason we can’t include strawberries and whip cream as a tasty little treat. But would these things give my husband satisfaction? No, he would be squirming uncomfortably waiting for me to get naked lol

You win some, you lose some. I think I might develop more of this Little personality. See what my little is all about, since I do need to be cared for….

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