Mood of the Week: Hopeful (or trying to be)

Things have been rather hard for me lately. I have a bad mind set about practically everything, and I am once again having to practice mindfulness to pick myself up out of my slump.

I discovered in my teen years that I get bouts of depression like this, where I feel everything is black and hopeless and I’m consumed by all my worries, and I just have to take an objective step back and chill. Stop fucking killing yourself, there’s enough mother fuckers out there that would be happy enough to do the job if you let them.So don’t let them, and certainly don’t be your own worst enemy. You have to be on your own side. If you don’t believe in yourself, who else will? You’re the only one who will never leave you. Love yourself, you deserve to like the person you are. You have to live with who you are.

Are you Joy, Love, or Peace?

You Are Love
Your happiness is giving, warm, and compassionate. You get satisfaction from personal relationships and connections. You’re the type of person who loves to be in love, and that doesn’t have to necessarily mean romantic love.

You value deep friendships and knowing someone well. You consider your friends to be your family. You take a leap and put people first in your life. It’s not about how much you get but how much you give.

 I mention all this also because I was talking to my boss and friend Latta the other day when we were alone. I mentioned how much my parents are stressing me out, particularly my father who is still incarcerated at the moment. He asks me for money, and Latta looked scandalized when I told him. My mom expects me to come through for him, and I sit here feeling my depression worsen, considering the two. They are a heavy burden on me.
I would be better off if I just stopped talking to them both. They break my heart. The wring my mind with worry and anxiety, and I fear my mother is going to stress me into diabetes somehow. My Granny thought family was so important, but could she withstand what I am having to deal with so coolly? I think not!
I get mad, I can’t around my mother because I have to keep my hurtful feelings to myself. I don’t go around her because it is on the tip of my tongue to upbraid her, or otherwise I know in my gut that if I get alone with her and talk real, it will end in screaming and crying and injured feelings. She will hate me for telling her the truth about how I’ve lost my respect for her and I don’t trust her,that I miss her but feel like I can’t be around her anymore. It chokes me up to even think about it, which is why I’ve been avoiding writing this post for so long.
I want my mother to go to rehab, or South Dakota where she doesn’t know anybody up with my Grandpa where he can get her a job. Keep her out of trouble, if that is even a possibility— and that’s what I fear, that she won’t give up and would rather have me gone from her life. That’s what I feel like she is picking- her horrible, desolate life full of drugs and lonely nights over me. It’s horrible to give up on someone and leave them to their own fate, but that is what my common sense is telling me to do.
Forget her, she is dragging you down.
Out of sight, out of mind.
Please don’t call me either.
I am done with you.

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