On Contemplating One’s Career

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Life has admittedly been pretty rocky for me lately. I have been having trouble focusing. I’ve been suffering from intense social anxiety and depression. As I’ve mentioned before, I still get irritated when I have to talk to anyone for any length of time. I couldn’t bear to leave the house, get dressed and go somewhere yesterday. Some days I can barely rip myself out of bed. I crave sleep, blessed unconsciousness where I can, if only temporarily, put all these somber thoughts on hold.

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I did start things in the right direction this time. I have an appointment to get my birth control removed!! YIPPEE!!!!!!! #hatenexplanon #hatebc #hatebirthcontrol #hatersgonnahate #bcsucks #hormonalbirthcontrol #nothnx

Lately at work I notice that I focus on the negative all the time. I feel like I don’t know what my manager’s expectations are like for me, and I feel lost & floundering. I hate myself because I feel like I am doing a bad job, and I am. Things have been slipping through the cracks because I haven’t had the energy to care lately. My mind has been too frazzled and I get disappointed in myself because I really WASN’T ready for the job. I have only proven myself right. It SUCKS. I feel like a FAILURE.

It sucks to finally realize the end goal of your career, and find out you absolutely fucking hate the shit out of that role. I feel constantly STRESSED and there WAY TOO MANY TASKS. I know I am not being a crybaby, it is a tiresome position. The turnover rate is high for the salaried, managerial position in my industry.

I can’t wait to have this load dumped off my hands. I know I look like an employee without ambition. Because honestly, it’s like my preferences are changing with my age in a way. My brain equilibrium is off so I can’t concentrate enough to do the role and the many demanding tasks that are required. I’m not there yet, just like my GM and I discussed.

Honestly with my social anxiety, I find myself longing for a night time position somewhere. Jacob is going to be working overnight. I also enjoy the night hours, and I enjoy even more the silence of slumbering guests. There’s hardly any bullshit on the night shift, except for when there is. But that’s rare enough…

The only thing is with that position I more than likely will have to take a pay cut. A year ago, I took a pay cut to take this job where I am now. That would be down trending which I find very difficult to give myself permission to do. Yeah, the hours and less people might make me happy, but it’s not good for Jake and I as a family. We have debts we have to take care of, and I won’t be doing us any favors by lessening our monthly income. Urgh.

Your Job Satisfaction Level: 47%

Your job is about average. There are some parts you really enjoy, and some parts that stress you out.

It’s possible that you need a small change. Maybe you should switch companies or positions.

It’s also possible that you’re simply burned out. No job is perfect, even a great one.

Give yourself a personal day to think about your career goals – and if your current job is helping you achieve them.

The dilemma I find myself in… I find myself asking myself;

Do I hate…

A) my co-workers?
B) my job? Or
C) just that I have to work period?

I suspect all of the above.

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