Remembering your past self

It’s not always good. I generally stay away from facebook and never post on it, because I gave up all my friends and their goings on. But today I found myself taking a moment to browse through my friends old pictures and saw all our high school days. I was transported back in time, and that’s been happening some lately.

Playlist of songs that reminded me of those times:

When the election was going on, here in Oklahoma we got to vote on how alcohol/liquor is handled in the state. We’re a dry state and you can only buy 2.5% beer in stores. You have to go to liquor stores to get your stronger beer, liquor, and wine. We had a bill that was going to level the playing field and make liquor and wine available in normal stores like grocery stores.

It was weird, but I felt my heart twisting in my chest at the thought of all the struggling wives that would have to deal with the change. When I was with Joshua, I used to literally run to prevent him from entering liquor stores. Now, imagine, every single place you walk in there is danger. The alcoholic has so much more access, and the misery increases with the access. It’s already a problem, homeless people being able to get even more access as well???? I felt such compassion and empathy towards any person fool enough to deal with an alcoholic anymore.

I gave up on mine. He made me miserable. (Reference Tracy Chapman songs) I had to tell him good bye. He was sucking the life out of me, and breaking my heart. When I look back on my past, I want to slap my 22 year old self around a little and shake her, “What the frig were you thinking?” I knew it then, that my love was irrational, but I felt it so deep. (Reference laid & “it’s not easy loving you”) Our brokenness fit together. I took like a fish to water when I was introduced to alcoholism.

Nowadays on Hulu, I’ve been seeing some advertisements for a lady who is a nanny to these rich kids. She’s in charge of them and a drunk, and America is meant to think that’s hilarious- seeing her slide down the handrail and drunkenly splayed on the ground. They must not know what it is like to bodily restrain your lover when they are wildly thrashing around and making a horrible disturbance in the middle of the night, waking everyone up. After you feel such disgust for a person, it’s hard to feel respect and love. A resentment starts to grow, and it’s only a matter of time before you see them for the burden they truly are.

At my hotel, there is a girl who delivers pizza on a regular basis. She works at the pizzaeria that I introduced her to all those years ago. She’s a fragment of my past that gets through, and when I see her I’m reminded how artistic and bold I used to be, but also how messed up.

I used to drink myself to excess. This girl has dragged my head out of the toilet many times. She’s still graceful and nice about it, and has always been a great acquaintance to have. When I was younger and she was my friend, Joshua and I drank with her all the time. We smoked and got fucked up and painted on her walls (because she was fun and invited us to). She had bon fires and I would puke on the side of her house.

I see the commercials for the lady nanny who’s drunk all the time and I wonder to myself, “Why did I think that was fun?” I wasn’t having fun.

I was being irresponsible, trying to leave myself behind. Trying to forget myself. I hated myself, had problems in my life, and wanted to forget about them for awhile sometimes. Sometimes, a lot. (Reference Tove Lo songs) I can remember almost every boyfriend I’ve ever had having to take care of me when I had drank too much.

I still drink too much when I do drink, but I only drink every once in a blue moon. I never drink alone or in secret anymore. I used to engineer entire plots and stories to devise ways so that I could go drinking with my coworkers after work. I used to be notorious for my skills in deception, and me and my friends had fun despite Jake’s attempts to stop me. I did what I wanted anyway, until I wised up one day.

Jacob changed my life. I figured he really meant it. He really meant he’d had enough, and he would not ever let me drink away from him. He needed me to give it up, and I didn’t know it, but I needed to do it for myself, too. I did, after I realized all the beer was doing was fucking up mu stomach anyway and getting me in a shit ton of trouble. I gave it up, so I could have a happy relationship.

Now I never drink, and always smoke. 😎


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