Mother, I May Not (?)

Lately, I’ve been dealing with some “lady issues,” as I like to delicately put it. My reproductive organs are not my best friends. I have had a lot of trouble with my innards as of late, particularly my stomach and urinary tract. I’ve also been depressed about work and my physical appearance. Never want to do It.

Desire to “do it” is a key ingredient in the recipe of creating offspring. Pictured here are adorable pictures of baby animals with their moms, because it’s much more endearing than a picture of my crappy mom would be. I’ve been thinking about moms lately, and being one.

Jake and I finally went on our first double date. We went to see roller derby with his cousin and his wife. It was a great time!! They are all a little older than me in their mid thirties.

I innocently asked Sachiko the wife if people have been asking them when they’re going to start having kids (just got married last year), and she replied she’s ready now. It was obviously a sore point between the two, since Korey is going to school for a technical career and only working part-time with her working as well. They hardly have time or money for a kid right now.

Neither do Jake and I. Jake is actually adamant about wanting to adopt or foster children. He himself suffered in the foster system so he has a strong motivation. It is Jake’s style to care for another unfortunate individual, to prevent some innocent child from experiencing what he did in the system. I support this notion fully, however I would be lying if I didn’t say in the back of my head I always expected to have one of my own; a baby with the man I love.

Lately, Jake has been chastising me for bringing it up. He says I shouldn’t get my hopes up with my current physical condition. He’s a smart guy, bringing up all the cons to pregnancy that I am terrified of… and yet, I’m still wondering about it.

I don’t want a child NOW or anything. Unfortunately, I have to agree that my lifestyle and current physical ailments do support his theory. I would get so fat and never get it off, never be the same. (Be worse than I am now? *cringe*) I might not even be able to house a little baby with the women’s troubles I’ve had.

Considering the thought of actually never having a child of my own does make me sad. I do want to love some child that doesn’t have any love in their life. I do support the idea of adopting/fostering children. Can I really give up on the thought of having children myself though? I feel like I would regret in my old age if I did not.

I’m 26 going on 27. One of the reasons I got married is because I recognized I wasn’t getting any younger. Being Jake’s wife makes me feel older than my years sometimes, I feel mentally 32ish or so.

I always thought my career should be resolved and I should be comfortable and married by now. So far, I have checked off married. I am not comfortable in life or settled in my career. Still having a lot of negative feelings about my current job, but stop looking for other employment opportunities for the time being. Don’t want to be too rash.

I have a long ways to go before Jake and I are making enough money to actually care for a child, have a house. It seems like we’ll never get there with all the debt we are in.

What will I do? Can I reconcile these feelings, or will I get up off my ass and try to live a healthier life and build a better body? (Fat chance.)


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