I never have enough privacy to blog. For whatever reason, blogging is a private act to me and I have to have room for my thoughts. If my husband is near, it’s like a wall forms between my mind and my fingers and I can’t access my feelings or be normal. When he’s around, I have to be some kind of perfect house wife who blows him on the regular and doesn’t have a mind of her own. There is no room for my sadness and despair in our relationship. He doesn’t understand. He wants me to lock it up, close it away, don’t make him witness it or be affected by it. I’m sorry I’m getting my blue on you, but I am drowning in it over here. Please help me, please shoulder some of my burden. Take my mind away from me, help me to focus on something else.
I had a relapse in my journey to sobriety. Today was not the first time I thought I should be quitting again. I did wish today that I had never bought more weed, that I’d never quit my sobriety streak. I read some articles on line and they said to not see yourself as a failure, think of your relapse as a learning lesson. What did you learn about yourself during this most recent break down?
I was walking around feeling very sad about Jacob, my husband. I’d been walking around feeling dejected and emotionally denied. I was so far up his ass I lost myself. I didn’t care about myself, I was solely preoccupied with his actions and what he wasn’t doing for me. He wasn’t holding me, kissing me, acting romantic. All he wanted to do was play his game and it made me want to pull my hair out, I felt ignored and unloved. I felt very badly about myself. I was not thinking of my needs, only of what I wasn’t getting that I thought I deserved/wanted intensely. I was focusing on negative aspects and not positive.
The reason I broke down is because I stopped checking in on myself. I was keeping a daily journal in the beginning of my sobriety, but in the last couple of weeks I lost my focus. I stopped fueling my positive thoughts and was pouring gasoline over all of my negative thoughts, giving them power. I was not being wise. I was being petulant and small. I wasn’t thinking of things on a bigger scale.
The thing that did not work about this last round of sobriety is that I stopped journaling. I stopped paying attention to myself because it was too hard. I stopped reading my 12 step program.
I can try different things this time. I could start attending the 2pm meeting on every other wednesday. I could find a different meeting. I believe a meeting would be a good thing to find. One thing I noticed a couple of different times is how badly I wanted to talk about my recovery. I wanted to feel accomplished and celebrate the length of my sobriety. I wanted someone to know how hard I was struggling and what little and large things were in my mind all the time now. I had Katie and my mom for that, but it’s not the same. Katie doesn’t know what addiction is like, and my mother has no desire to quit, so neither of them understand me the way that I have been craving.
Jacob could understand it and be a great sense of support, but he chooses to stay silent mostly. He is never encouraging in my sobriety. He can’t handle the raw version of me with no weed, my emotions are too much for him when I am sober. I am too much for me when I am sober.
I also thought to myself I could get back on my depression pills. I probably should be medicated in some way if I am not going to use weed. I took my anxiety pills as needed last round, but perhaps I need something more drastic.
- exaggerated or uncontrollable emotion or excitement
- means ungovernable emotional excess
Full disclosure: that sounds like me -_-