If you do not like where you are, move. You are not a tree.
You are an adult responsible for your own decisions.
I have decided to stay high all the time. I have surrendered to my addiction, inwardly drowning. At one point I was open to speaking to my father and now once again I shirk from the thought of him.
I despise thinking of him. I resent it when he reminds me of his existence and love for me. I know I sound ungrateful- but even so- I have done fine without a no-good Mexican dad for over 20 years. I do not need him now.
I hate feeling pressured. People ask me why I feel like I should spend time on him… and it can’t be put into words. So much of myself I do not feel free to divulge these days.
It is on the tip of my tongue to discuss my situation. My husband suppresses it. He had a bad relationship with his dad, too. His advice was remarkably unhelpful; “to not think about it. Don’t give them the time of day.”
How to explain how I obsess over his conduct?
I obsess over how cold and cruel I must look to him, rejecting him. He wants to love me and I will have nothing to do with him.
He wants to utter niceties to me and I am starved to hear such things. It’s really unfair of him; to offer something I desperately want but cannot bear to accept. For if I accept his love and his attentions, he will remain another emotional vampire of my life.
I don’t want him to suck the life out of me. Already, he causes me such distress. He is not even out of the halfway house, yet. How to kindly write someone and tell them you’re better off if they forget you? No such thing, and such is my dilemma.