Day: May 22, 2018

Day 4- Share a confession

I saw this image and it immediately made someone come to mind.

Recently, I did a “fun” experiment~ I decided to create my own “The List” inspired by My Name is Earl. I have been enjoying rewatching the series because it is a thoughtful, heart warming comedy for all it is about trailer trash. I think Earl is an attractive, morally right man if not in body and appearance necessarily. (Homey don’t float my boat, I just mad admire his character, does that make sense?)

I have been half heartedly attempting the 12 steps of the Al-Anon program. I always get caught up in step four) making amends for the wrongs you’ve committed. Approaching someone and doing something to gain closure/clear the air. It is so daunting, I feel like I can never face them or say what I really need to say to them.

Earl does it on a regular basis. He faces tough situations all the time, but he’s always able to endure whatever shit they dish out to him in retribution. When he works through their bad feelings, he’s able to forge a different kind of relationship with them and move past whatever slight he caused in the first place. I want to get to that healing place.

In making The List, I divided my deeds into different categories. There was a whole subsection of my past that belonged to Elizabeth and my poor mangled heart. In doing my list, I have to admit, it looks like I might regret getting espoused sometimes. The two figures from my past that caused me the most regret and the most to forgive were my two exes Elizabeth and Hakim. I wish I could have been with either of them sometimes.

My woes about Elizabeth keep me awake at night. The overall anxiety, sense of guilt, and unease in her presence. She used to be my closest friend and confidant, and now she is a fearless stranger roaming the streets for people’s rights. Talking to her did make me feel better. But the things I still won’t say~

“How to take back what I did? How to tell the world you were mine, when I was so afraid someone might find out? I think about the night we went to the foam party, and that girl asked us if we were girlfriends… I should have said yes, but I was scared. It’s no excuse. I’m sorry I played with your heart. I didn’t deserve you, and I’m sorry I ill-abused you and abandoned you. I didn’t like taking responsibility. I turned my head the other way.

I’m sorry that I picked Jake over you. I have always felt great shame when I consider the end of our friendship or should I say talking days…. You were so upset about the way I was letting myself be controlled in my relationship. I couldn’t hear what you were saying. I was making the best choice for me, even if it doesn’t look ideal to other people. Your disapproval made it hard for me to talk to you. I knew the depth of your feelings towards me also. I couldn’t handle it. I wasn’t ready, and I foolishly lead you on.

I’m sorry I pushed you away.”