Day: May 27, 2018

Day 5- Work on an art project


I have been working on my book This Is Not A Book 🙂 !~!~!

This is a huge break through for me. I have been creatively blocked for quite some time and suddenly things feel a little bit better. I am in a grieving period right now, but my little friend has been helping me manage.

My cousin passed away. He was an Angel and it was hard how much he had to suffer. In looking at his recent pictures, you could tell how much pain he was in. He wasn’t himself, and his family were maybe not able to keep up with the demands of such a special child. They certainly did their best. I give my best regards to Radonna, a strange woman who became an integral part of our family. She is a hinge between Joe and my mom’s family, i.e. me and her. Radonna has been selfish in the past and we had a twisted history with her, my mother and I.

Now she and my mother are good friends, or they were. Radonna took around the clock care of Toby, and his needs were considerable. In the end, he was losing his ability to see. My heart wrung for the young man, and I prayed to our ancestors and the Creator for guidance. I prayed, “Please let it be your will to heal him again.”

But it was not so. In the past, I might have rallied against the Great Spirit for disappointing me but there was a mixture of feelings this time. Toby needed to be let go; his suffering needed to come to an end. It was selfish of us to want to keep him in this life that had lost so much of its’ joy. Toby’s light was put out. I cried during the funeral wondering about how of course God wanted him back, he always wants the Good ones.

Everyone in our family is a better person because of that boy. One of the things I thought during the whole ordeal was the strange assortment of people there to Love Him. “What a strange hodge podge of people,” I thought.

There were so many people in the room to tell him goodbye. Our love carried him up to Granny. We let him go together. We all had a chance to sit and speak with him before he went. He went gracefully. He spared his father the hard decision to take his son off of the  ventilator. Toby’s heart naturally gave out, he chose his time.

It was horrible. My mother’s grief painted the room. My uncle and Austin were wrecks. We were all crying together. We were all joined by our love and our pain. My Grandpa wept openly. My uncle was commended by several members of the family.

The Celebration of Life went well. We all had stories to tell about him. My mother was the first to speak, the one to give the eulogy. I had the impulse to go to her, but then I thought that might deter her from speaking as well and I hung back. She painted such a funny picture of her days together with Toby.

My Aunt Rob painted the trickster side of him. He had such a funny personality. So many quirks and wonderful memories. Me and my cousins told stories about our times with him. I shared the story about how when Joe and his family moved out, mom, me, and Granny all felt like our purpose left with them. That’s why we were never far, I said, and everyone chuckled.

I thought that Toby’s funeral would be packed. I thought so many people loved him. But in all actuality, it was fewer than 50 people who attended. My friends Veronica and Katie came to support me. My Husband came and sat at my side. He held me as the wave of emotions and grief rolled over me.

I squeezed my Grandpa’s hand. He wept and his shoulders shook. Walker was on his other side, a representative of Rhonda’s side of the family. It was very nice of him to come. He didn’t have to, since Rhonda should have.

I put together the memoriam. That was my aspect to do, since my mother was performing the eulogy. My Uncle said, “I have nothing without you two girls.” Because we were both running late, as per usual. I’ll be late to my own funeral, it’s no surprise I was late to his.

Joe is cremating our poor Toby. It has always been the Roberts way to bury our dead. It has unsettled my mother and myself that Joe made that decision. No one more than my mother. Joe is getting ashes of his son together to disperse throughout the family. He wants everyone to have a piece of Toby. I am aghast. I don’t like the idea of him scattered everywhere, it seems to me he should be altogether.

We are burying some of him with Granny. That is fitting. If I should die before my time, I wish to be buried there also with her. If my mother is dead already, have me cremated. If she is still living, let her have her way and bury me. If I am to become ashes, do not keep me. I want to be returned to the Earth, part of Mother Earth. Either way, place me well below the ground.