Month: June 2018

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What do you make of that?

Things have become quite strained in our household. I am constantly walking on egg shells. The tiniest thing can cause my husband to fly off into a rage.

It reminds me of living with my mother. Never knowing when you might be screamed at. Jake has never hit me but his temper is gruesome nonetheless. He has been known to throw things and break things when angry. He stomps around the house, a force to be reckoned with. When he’s unhappy, everybody knows it.

Things have gotten quite awful. He is very reticent and surly nowadays. Even just trying to have a normal conversation with him has become stressful. He’s yelling by the time I’ve barely opened my mouth.

I think I understand him better than himself, sometimes. His work situation is sucking the life out of me. He is a desperate man- we don’t see it outwardly, but he’s barely holding on by the tips of his fingers. He’s angry. He doesn’t feel respected. He shouldn’t have to deal with the stuff he goes through on a daily basis. He is sick and tired of the work and the people he’s forced to associate with everyday. He wants OUT.

He feels frustrated. He said, “I don’t know what we’re going to do, but something’s gotta change.” Something’s gotta change. Yes, I agree with this statement. Jake and I have a turbulent sex life right now. Our sense of intimacy and trust is fucked right now. We barely communicate. We sit a couple of feet from each other all night but we might as well be in our own worlds. Just recently, I tensely sat in my chair trying to ignore him, wondering irately when he would give up and go to bed.

He wants sex, he doesn’t want sex. He says our sex life is too stressful. It is stressful. Our sex life is very hit-or-miss. We are both obese and he’s getting older. He has trouble keeping an erection and blames it on me. I frequently have lady issues which prevent us from doing the horizontal dance, and he resents me for my health issues.

Our relationship is very lukewarm. Or is it in dark, dangerous waters? Are we in a big fat rut, or are we just going through a rough patch? It’s a patch, surely.

How can you be sure?

Jaime Lannister Character Study

Honestly, I think I am maturing with this TV series. No character more than Jaime makes me think this. In the beginning, Jaime was a beautiful baddie. He was a handsome jerk who humped his sister and shoved kids out of windows. A horrible person.

We learned more about him. He was Kingslayer. I think it was an unfair rap that he got against his honor. Everyone thinks he is without honor because he did that~ but wasn’t it actually heroic what he did? Everyone was suffering under the Mad King’s rule. He did something just by saving more people. His moment in the bathtub with Brienne was truly an eye opener for me.

Speaking of his relationship with Brienne, I am highly entertained by it. I ship Jaime and Brienne. (Cersei’s a cunt, I just don’t like her.) Their relationship comes from a place of mutual trust and respect. They are good friends who hold each other in high esteem. The scene in which they meet in that tent was intense. I was laughing at Bronn’s apt description outside the tent.

Good Jaime/Brienne fanfics:

The Higher Education of Brienne of Tarth by BrienneofThrace

Brienne thought misery was supposed to end after high school. And perhaps it would have…if she hadn’t ended up going to the same college as Jaime Goddamn Lannister. A Jaime/Brienne modern-day college AU.

Paradise City by upsgirl88

Reading him in fanfiction more has softened me to his character. I am always interested in the dynamic characters of a show.  He grew emotionally as the series progressed. I find it hard to forget the scene in the sept where he overpowered his sister. That was rape in my opinion. “Why have the gods damned me to love such a cruel woman?”

I am more interested in his current quandary. He swore that he and his forces would join the North. He wants to honor that promise. He sees that everything is at stake- he believes in the White Walkers and agrees with Brienne. This is about more than house loyalties. The greater good is at stake. He must do what is best for the fate of the realm.

I think he is going to defy the crown and jump ship. His forces will be loyal to him and go forth. I predict that Jaime could potentially kill his sister. I believe it will be one of her brothers anyway. If it’s not Jaime, it will be Tyrion. I think there would be a certain justice in Tyrion getting to be the one to end his cruel sister’s life. While I do think Jaime had the potential to do it…. I don’t want to believe that he could. I think maybe his love for her might hold him back. It would be so tragic if that were true.

Cool article about Jaime:

The Duality of the Twin: Two Sides of Jaime Lannister

Another reason I started reading more Jaime fanfiction was because of this story:

Love On The Brain by ashleyfanfic (better described by tags than summary)

#Jon Snow/Daenerys Targaryen #Arya Stark/Gendry Waters #Jaime Lannister/Sansa Stark #Tormund Giantsbane/Brienne of Tarth #Meera Reed/Bran Stark #Incest #battles #Love #Sex #War #Night King #Loss #Hope #dragon fights #Pregnancy #Forbidden Love

 

 

 

I don’t like to ship Sansa with everybody, but in this story they are thrown together. I was surprised at how I felt about the pairing. Definitely prefer Brienne/Jaime. I also like Tormund/Brienne. But I think that if Brienne could choose between the two herself, she would pick Jaime.

Image result for BRIENNE TORMUND JAIME

All My Exes

Live In Texas

I was giving some thought to my Inspired by My Name Is Earl list. How am I ever going to reconcile with my exes?

My husband prohibits me from seeing those men. I would have to make contact with Hakim and Joshua. To speak to either again is UNTHINKABLE.

Now I have considered Elizabeth my ex before. Perhaps if I am able to patch things up with her, that will be the fruit of my labors in the ex department. I can’t call Hakim or Joshua. I don’t need closure with either of them.

My problem with Hakim is I keep thinking of karma. I had a wonderful, sensitive man whom I was fortunate enough to date. He had a great dick, and I cheated on him. Now as a faithful woman, I am doomed to bad sex with the same man forever. I slept around on Hakim, so now that I am faithful I am being punished for my past transgressions. Hakim was depressed and our sex life was bad. Now I am depressed and my sex life is bad. Karma. Like a mother fucker.

How do you come to terms with the fact that you’re rightfully being punished? Recently, I went over to my mother’s house and burst into tears at the thought of spending the whole day with my husband. Yes, you read that right. I was terrified that I was going to be yelled at or humiliated in some fashion all day. My current choice of partner is payback for some of my past crimes.

The fact that I mooched off of Joshua’s mother- I could try and send her some money. But that still entails getting involved with aspects of my ex’s life so it’s not a bright idea. I suppose I could make peace with the fact that now all my money gets sucked up into our endless cycle of debt. Jake is my punishment. How fucked up it feels to think that way.

Jake’s like a vegetable- good for you, but you don’t have to like it all the time.

10 Year High School Reunion

The question is; to go or not to go?

Me and my best friend Elizabeth were adamant that we wanted to go this event. Even when we were back in high school still, we were interested. She fully intended to go.

Only now it’s too close and the tickets to fly home are too expensive (!!!!!) SAD FACE D:

Now I question if it is even worth going- who else wants to go? No one. Katie doesn’t want to pay to go. The tickets are $30. She says she doesn’t want to pay, she may go if I bought her ticket and forced her.

Christina and Dustin were going to go. Whom might I see there? Is there anyone I really WANTED to see? What is the point of it…. lol I know I always wanted to go to see how people ended up. I am interested in people’s stories. How many of my peers have children while I stand here barren? So many.

At least I was successful. I have a husband, which is more than some can say. I am in management. I write in my spare time and plays Sims a lot. I don’t have any children, which can be a plus to some. I mean it depends on how you spin it- some people are jealous of people who aren’t tied down in that way.

I still think that I would like to go. If nothing else, than for the pleasure of seeing who got fat.

Image result for muffin top obese

Re: Cheating

I was re-reading one of my previous blog posts. I just had this thought which does sound quite conceited, but….

Well, if I am honest, Hakim probably thinks of me as the one that got away. Just listen to this story:

Hakim and I began to lose interest in each other. As I have said, I needed a lot more sex than he was willing to provide so it was time for us to part ways. He was interested in seeing other people- I don’t think he was aware of my cheating. To my knowledge, he never knew… except about the emotional feelings I had for my bestie. He was aware of that.

We had a mutual break up.

ALWAYS HAVE AN EXIT STRATEGY

We agreed to start seeing other people. We were still going to see each other casually while we searched for other people to start dating. I was determined to be the one who left, not the one whom was left.

So I hooked up with the first guy to show remote interest in me. In comes the dumb ass Joshua into my life. My very mistaken, broken girl chapter of life *sigh* When I started seeing Joshua, I remember telling Hakim that I was moving on. I can’t remember if I felt good about it or not. It was bitter sweet if I remember right….

Hakim and I didn’t lose touch. I usually always remained friends with my exes. Hakim and I went out for sushi once. It was a few months after I had started dating Joshua. After we ate, we walked around the new Devon building and he shouted my name in the big open space. He said I was amazing, and that no one could compare to me. He missed me, and he knew what being with me would look like. He offered to let me move in with him and to take care of me. I stupidly said no, I was in love with someone else now. I will always, always regret that stupid decision.

So in his eyes, I rejected him. I was one of the best girlfriends he ever had and I didn’t want him back anymore. He came to see me in years past. He tried to see me right before I got married. What if he really thought I was the one that got away…?

If I told him what I really did to him, that would dispel that notion. Maybe it could even make him feel better to know he wasn’t missing out on something golden. Just a horny ho. Then he might feel glad we separated, and I could make a difference that way.

I hate that I thought of that. Am I supposed to make an attempt to make amends? It would be so messy and bad. I’m too close to my longing. I don’t want to reveal that ugly side. But that’s what’s fair, isn’t it?