Re: Cheating

I was re-reading one of my previous blog posts. I just had this thought which does sound quite conceited, but….

Well, if I am honest, Hakim probably thinks of me as the one that got away. Just listen to this story:

Hakim and I began to lose interest in each other. As I have said, I needed a lot more sex than he was willing to provide so it was time for us to part ways. He was interested in seeing other people- I don’t think he was aware of my cheating. To my knowledge, he never knew… except about the emotional feelings I had for my bestie. He was aware of that.

We had a mutual break up.

ALWAYS HAVE AN EXIT STRATEGY

We agreed to start seeing other people. We were still going to see each other casually while we searched for other people to start dating. I was determined to be the one who left, not the one whom was left.

So I hooked up with the first guy to show remote interest in me. In comes the dumb ass Joshua into my life. My very mistaken, broken girl chapter of life *sigh* When I started seeing Joshua, I remember telling Hakim that I was moving on. I can’t remember if I felt good about it or not. It was bitter sweet if I remember right….

Hakim and I didn’t lose touch. I usually always remained friends with my exes. Hakim and I went out for sushi once. It was a few months after I had started dating Joshua. After we ate, we walked around the new Devon building and he shouted my name in the big open space. He said I was amazing, and that no one could compare to me. He missed me, and he knew what being with me would look like. He offered to let me move in with him and to take care of me. I stupidly said no, I was in love with someone else now. I will always, always regret that stupid decision.

So in his eyes, I rejected him. I was one of the best girlfriends he ever had and I didn’t want him back anymore. He came to see me in years past. He tried to see me right before I got married. What if he really thought I was the one that got away…?

If I told him what I really did to him, that would dispel that notion. Maybe it could even make him feel better to know he wasn’t missing out on something golden. Just a horny ho. Then he might feel glad we separated, and I could make a difference that way.

I hate that I thought of that. Am I supposed to make an attempt to make amends? It would be so messy and bad. I’m too close to my longing. I don’t want to reveal that ugly side. But that’s what’s fair, isn’t it?

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