Pray for Wisdom and Guidance

Things aren’t going very well right now. Just being honest. I found myself talking about it with two older ladies at work. I always look to them for guidance and wisdom. Someone please help me. I had a mental breakdown today, and I still feel pretty shook up.

You Just Have To Troubleshoot Your Own Life

  1. Take An Honest Inventory
  2. Isolate Problem Areas
  3. Implement Systems to Improve (must be SMART)
  4. Monitor and Evaluate System Effectiveness

If I were to be honest, these are the issues that I am struggling with:

Anxiety
Depression
Familial Issues
Female Troubles
Marital Concerns
Substance Abuse
Unhealthy Eating Habits

They’re in alphabetical order. If they were in order of my priorities:

Female Troubles
Marital Concerns
Familial Issues
Substance Abuse
Unhealthy Eating Habits
Anxiety
Depression

Technically, I’m walking around unmedicated. I suffer from anxiety and depression and I have had panic attacks in the past. I’ve been self medicating with marijuana instead of anxiety meds. When I am sober, I pop anxiety pills regularly and will eat you out of house and home. I call it feeling “binge-y.”

That is to say nothing of my unmedicated depression. Depression is a hard thing to battle- it requires so much strong will power. How difficult it is to summon the light when it’s darkest just before dawn. Yet you must struggle on.

My mother’s dear friend killed herself. I was astounded by the story I heard. She was entering menopause and feeling depressed lately according to her mother. She was talking about her dead baby girl more recently. Her daughter died over twenty years ago, but they say she died missing her.

My mother’s friend had a son. He was about to be married to a wonderful girl with a small girl already. The little girl flocked to my mom’s friend and they said it made her miss her own little girl. They went to a Fourth of July party where there was some kind of altercation with some girls.

When they returned home, everyone was sitting in the living room. My mom’s friend went to get up and go to the bathroom, and the little girl tried to follow her. “Not now, baby, I’ll be right back,” she said and she walked down the hall to the bathroom.

Inside the bathroom, she used a gun her son had gifted her to blow her brains out. Everyone was sitting in the next room. They heard the shot. Her body fell against the door where it was difficult to reach her. There was no hope when they did. She was dead. Definitively dead.

She went to join her daughter. There will be no service. Her family will only have this horrible sadness and bewilderment to nurse them through the next several years. How cruel a fate.

I am so afraid my mother will do the same. I get so mad at her for not being what I need her to be. I get so upset about her sitting on my shoulders, shoving my head underwater. She is too much to handle but she made herself unlovable. That is your own doing, wench. Lie in the bed you made.

What I Have Learned In Life:

You damn well best pick a good man to submit to, if you’re going to. If you expect to have a happy life, you had best. Swallow Your Pride. Let him treat you bad sometimes. Take it. He will keep you, don’t let yourself be Alone.

Alone is Lonely. Alone is My Mother. FINE! Be a strong-willed, independent woman. But expect to be Alone while doing it. Does that smell like success, or do I sense a whiff of defeat?

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