Day 5- Work on an art project

interests.JPG

I have been working on my book This Is Not A Book 🙂 !~!~!

This is a huge break through for me. I have been creatively blocked for quite some time and suddenly things feel a little bit better. I am in a grieving period right now, but my little friend has been helping me manage.

My cousin passed away. He was an Angel and it was hard how much he had to suffer. In looking at his recent pictures, you could tell how much pain he was in. He wasn’t himself, and his family were maybe not able to keep up with the demands of such a special child. They certainly did their best. I give my best regards to Radonna, a strange woman who became an integral part of our family. She is a hinge between Joe and my mom’s family, i.e. me and her. Radonna has been selfish in the past and we had a twisted history with her, my mother and I.

Now she and my mother are good friends, or they were. Radonna took around the clock care of Toby, and his needs were considerable. In the end, he was losing his ability to see. My heart wrung for the young man, and I prayed to our ancestors and the Creator for guidance. I prayed, “Please let it be your will to heal him again.”

But it was not so. In the past, I might have rallied against the Great Spirit for disappointing me but there was a mixture of feelings this time. Toby needed to be let go; his suffering needed to come to an end. It was selfish of us to want to keep him in this life that had lost so much of its’ joy. Toby’s light was put out. I cried during the funeral wondering about how of course God wanted him back, he always wants the Good ones.

Everyone in our family is a better person because of that boy. One of the things I thought during the whole ordeal was the strange assortment of people there to Love Him. “What a strange hodge podge of people,” I thought.

There were so many people in the room to tell him goodbye. Our love carried him up to Granny. We let him go together. We all had a chance to sit and speak with him before he went. He went gracefully. He spared his father the hard decision to take his son off of the  ventilator. Toby’s heart naturally gave out, he chose his time.

It was horrible. My mother’s grief painted the room. My uncle and Austin were wrecks. We were all crying together. We were all joined by our love and our pain. My Grandpa wept openly. My uncle was commended by several members of the family.

The Celebration of Life went well. We all had stories to tell about him. My mother was the first to speak, the one to give the eulogy. I had the impulse to go to her, but then I thought that might deter her from speaking as well and I hung back. She painted such a funny picture of her days together with Toby.

My Aunt Rob painted the trickster side of him. He had such a funny personality. So many quirks and wonderful memories. Me and my cousins told stories about our times with him. I shared the story about how when Joe and his family moved out, mom, me, and Granny all felt like our purpose left with them. That’s why we were never far, I said, and everyone chuckled.

I thought that Toby’s funeral would be packed. I thought so many people loved him. But in all actuality, it was fewer than 50 people who attended. My friends Veronica and Katie came to support me. My Husband came and sat at my side. He held me as the wave of emotions and grief rolled over me.

I squeezed my Grandpa’s hand. He wept and his shoulders shook. Walker was on his other side, a representative of Rhonda’s side of the family. It was very nice of him to come. He didn’t have to, since Rhonda should have.

I put together the memoriam. That was my aspect to do, since my mother was performing the eulogy. My Uncle said, “I have nothing without you two girls.” Because we were both running late, as per usual. I’ll be late to my own funeral, it’s no surprise I was late to his.

Joe is cremating our poor Toby. It has always been the Roberts way to bury our dead. It has unsettled my mother and myself that Joe made that decision. No one more than my mother. Joe is getting ashes of his son together to disperse throughout the family. He wants everyone to have a piece of Toby. I am aghast. I don’t like the idea of him scattered everywhere, it seems to me he should be altogether.

We are burying some of him with Granny. That is fitting. If I should die before my time, I wish to be buried there also with her. If my mother is dead already, have me cremated. If she is still living, let her have her way and bury me. If I am to become ashes, do not keep me. I want to be returned to the Earth, part of Mother Earth. Either way, place me well below the ground.

Advertisements

Day 4- Share a confession

I saw this image and it immediately made someone come to mind.

Recently, I did a “fun” experiment~ I decided to create my own “The List” inspired by My Name is Earl. I have been enjoying rewatching the series because it is a thoughtful, heart warming comedy for all it is about trailer trash. I think Earl is an attractive, morally right man if not in body and appearance necessarily. (Homey don’t float my boat, I just mad admire his character, does that make sense?)

I have been half heartedly attempting the 12 steps of the Al-Anon program. I always get caught up in step four) making amends for the wrongs you’ve committed. Approaching someone and doing something to gain closure/clear the air. It is so daunting, I feel like I can never face them or say what I really need to say to them.

Earl does it on a regular basis. He faces tough situations all the time, but he’s always able to endure whatever shit they dish out to him in retribution. When he works through their bad feelings, he’s able to forge a different kind of relationship with them and move past whatever slight he caused in the first place. I want to get to that healing place.

In making The List, I divided my deeds into different categories. There was a whole subsection of my past that belonged to Elizabeth and my poor mangled heart. In doing my list, I have to admit, it looks like I might regret getting espoused sometimes. The two figures from my past that caused me the most regret and the most to forgive were my two exes Elizabeth and Hakim. I wish I could have been with either of them sometimes.

My woes about Elizabeth keep me awake at night. The overall anxiety, sense of guilt, and unease in her presence. She used to be my closest friend and confidant, and now she is a fearless stranger roaming the streets for people’s rights. Talking to her did make me feel better. But the things I still won’t say~

“How to take back what I did? How to tell the world you were mine, when I was so afraid someone might find out? I think about the night we went to the foam party, and that girl asked us if we were girlfriends… I should have said yes, but I was scared. It’s no excuse. I’m sorry I played with your heart. I didn’t deserve you, and I’m sorry I ill-abused you and abandoned you. I didn’t like taking responsibility. I turned my head the other way.

I’m sorry that I picked Jake over you. I have always felt great shame when I consider the end of our friendship or should I say talking days…. You were so upset about the way I was letting myself be controlled in my relationship. I couldn’t hear what you were saying. I was making the best choice for me, even if it doesn’t look ideal to other people. Your disapproval made it hard for me to talk to you. I knew the depth of your feelings towards me also. I couldn’t handle it. I wasn’t ready, and I foolishly lead you on.

I’m sorry I pushed you away.”

Day 3- Write a letter to someone

Dear Toby,

Thank you for being a light in all of our lives. To know you was to love you. I am sorry that I did not see you as often in the end. Eternally sorry. I used to dream of you, I know now that I should have heeded my dreams and gone to see you. I hope you will forgive me.

I have so many better memories of you. The good far outweighs the bad. I remember when I was young, I helped to teach you how to crawl. We used to practice on Granny’s big king bed in her bedroom. You wouldn’t remember maybe, but that was precious to me.

When you were little, I carried you around with me. I would go out to Granny’s porch swing and take you with me, lay you down on my chest and we’d doze in the sun.

I know I had a couple of accidents with you, and I hope you didn’t hold them against me. I dropped you out of your chair once, did a few things I’m ashamed of. I am sorry that I was upset about mom loving you so much. You needed her more than I did, and I knew that. It was just hard sometimes.

I’m glad you were such a joy and comfort in her life. Thank you for being a kind and joyful young man. Your smile made all the difference in our hearts. It was painful to see that gone from you, and I hope you are happy with Granny now. I didn’t want you to suffer any longer, but I will always miss you. Please watch over Aunt Lari, she loves you most of all. Give her joy and peace if you can, influence her to live in your spirit. Watch over your brother, it is your turn to be His Keeper. Do not let him turn to the dark.

You have joined our great ancestors. Your blood runs in my veins. I will feel stronger when I think of you, not weaker. It is rightful to mourn the passing of the young. I will not feel shame in that. I loved you, and will always love you still.

Thoughts during “One Bad Day” Gotham

SPOILERS GALORE! for Gotham

Image result for jeremiah jerome gotham

  • Jeremiah’s outfit was totally a nod to Nicholson’s Joker imo. That hat tho. Overall, I am preferring Jerome much more than Jeremiah. I thought his energy was more chaotic and similar to Heath Ledger’s Joker, which is undoubtedly the best imo. This stoic psychopath that is emotionally deadpan is not my preference. Gotta give it to Cameron Monagham, his range is incredible. *round of applause*
  • Yet another hairdo change for Barbara, she is always changing. How come nobody else gets new dos?
  • Shy!Butch, awe.
  • JIM’S ALIVE!!!!!!!!!1111!!!

    g3

  • What’s up, Doc? You doctoring in your pajama’s nowadays??? (I dig that black doctor’s robe looking thing though, until I realized it was all sheer and stuff in the back.)
  • Penguin is looking on point, I dig that purple suit.
  • Oh, a pissing contest between Jim & Nygma. How attractive *NOT*
    I’m sorry Nygma, but you pale in comparison when it comes to who is the alpha male in this situation. (I technically like the Riddler more than Jim, but I won’t deny that he falls short when compared as a man to Gordon.)
  • “You don’t think that Lee could actually love me, do you?” “Honestly? No.”
    g1
    This look Jim gives him says it all and for us fans, too!! (At least me xP)
  • Ew, gross, Nygma! “She’s with me in every way.” THANK YOU for sparing me the on screen aspects of THAT part of their relationship, BARF.
  • JIM’S TRIUMPHANT RETURN!
  • Harvey getting a redemption arc is nice. I was pretty pleased with that, and episode with Lucius action I am into. I like Lucius 🙂 ❤

    g5

  • The scene in Jeremiah’s bunker was pretty cool. I liked the villainy of his character, how he BARKED and prevented them from all rushing him. It is nice to see him be an alpha dog still even as his game is getting turned on its ear.  He still had a back up plan and watched them burn. Points for that. “I find your fickleness quite hurtful.”
  • I am so done with Ra’s. Like, how many villains are we going to entertain at a time?

    g6

  • We get like 2 seconds to enjoy the bliss of this moment. A much anticipated Selina/Bruce kiss and then five seconds later a threat of death.
  • Because NO, SHE IS NOT GONNA DIE. No one dies in Gotham, haven’t you heard?
  • Jim going to offer Lee a chance to skip town…. and the look of doubt on Riddler’s face? PRICELESS. I am SO DONE with them as a couple, she is using my poor Ed. I don’t like him behaving like her lap dog, I want him to bust loose on his own again or go partner with Penguin again.

30 Day Challenge – Day 1

I can never do anything on time, so why kid myself about this? So I didn’t start at the beginning of the month, I can start now IF I WANT! Which I am going to;

(Pay no attention to the crazy lady behind the curtain)

Day 1.

Look in the mirror & say out loud what you love about your body

  • My hair is awesome. Very good for my self-esteem.
  • I am fun-sized. I like being short, it makes me look cute. (5’4″)
  • I have curves. They may be ample, but other girls have envied them. (205 lbs)
  • My boobs are enviable in some cases (even if I don’t think so, I’d rather have them than not, 40DD)
  • My sexy pajamas were totally worth the money $$$ (Torrid.com)
  • I have a pretty smile
  • My lipstick is bomb (Naughty Plum ;))
  • My relationship with my genitalia is improving thanks to the new product I bought- totally wise purchase ❤

Spirit Animal 1

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

What is your spirit animal??

What an interesting question. I have been indulging in more spirituality as of late, and thought it would be fun to get into this. I was first inspired by a Harry Potter Hufflepuff pride page on facebook. They asked, “What is your patrnous?”

For those who don’t know, a patronus is a charm to protect again Dementors. Dementors are likened to depression and suck the joy out of any environment they are in, they are soul suckers. A patronus is a silver animal that protects witches and wizards and often has personal connotations. Patronus means “protector”, “guardian”, or simply “patron” in Latin, specifically reflecting the entire role that the Patronus Charm plays.

I originally thought my patronus could be a panda. They’re cute, they sleep and eat a lot like me. I looked up panda personality traits and that led to spirit animal quizzes. I thought I had a lot in common with the panda, but when I took the quiz I received the result of OWL. DUNDUNDUN.

I dislike Owls. My mother always hated them also because they are harbingers of death, the grim reaper of animals. Native Americans (and other cultures) believe that if an owl flies over your head, it heralds the news of a loved one dying. Plus, they are not cute animals in my opinion so I started looking for other quizzes to take. (Coincidentally, I did get panda on another test which pleased me.)

But in researching the quizzes, I found out more information about spirit animals. One website said to think about your dreams– which animal appears most frequently in your dreams? I was disheartened because when I thought about it, DOGS are the most frequent animals that visit my dreams but I never have positive connotations about them. The dogs are usually chasing me or biting me in some way so how could that be my spirit animal when I am being chased by them most often?

DOGS in dreams represent (according to dreammoods.com):

To see a dog in your dream symbolizes intuition, loyalty, generosity, protection, and fidelity. The dream suggests that your strong values and good intentions will enable you to go forward in the world and bring you success. The dream dog may also represent someone in your life who exhibits these qualities. Alternatively, to see a dog in your dream indicates a skill that you may have ignored or forgotten.

If the dog is vicious and/or growling, then it indicates some inner conflict within yourself. It may also indicate betrayal and untrustworthiness. To see a sick dog in your dream symbolizes a neglected friendship.

Also consider common notions associated with the word dog, such as loyalty (“man’s best friend”) and to be “treated like a dog”. Dreaming that you cannot get a dog off your back implies that you are not able to shake someone off your back. Perhaps they are being too overbearing or too dependent on you.

To hear barking in your dream suggests that you are annoying those around you with grumpiness and fussiness. The dream may also be analogous to your tendency of barking orders at people, instead of asking or talking kindly. Alternatively, barking refers to unhappy and disgruntled companions. To dream that a dog bites you on the leg suggests that you have lost your ability to balance aspects of your life. You may be hesitant in approaching a new situation or have no desire to move forward with your goals. Dreaming that a dog bites on the hand symbolizes disloyalty. To dream that someone is bitten by a dog indicates a betrayal. You feel that you have been wronged by this person. If the dog is barking ferociously, then it represents your habit of making demands on people and controlling situations around you. Are you “barking” too many orders? Alternatively, it could also indicate unfriendly companions.

If you are being guided by a dog, then it suggests that you are having difficulties in navigating out of a situation or problem. 

Jake asked me what kind of dog I usually see, but I couldn’t answer. It’s never the same type of dog necessarily. I just remember mutts, or no specific breed. My favorite dog is a Chocolate Labrador.

Image result for chocolate lab

But as I said, the dogs I see are never friendly. They’re not cute species, but like…. predatory or mean. Plus I am a cat person, not a dog person. I don’t even like dogs in particular, only little ones usually. And not even them usually…..

While researching patronuses, I did find some interesting information. A patronus is produced by thinking of your happiest memories- and a lot of the time, the patronus of a certain character usually had something to do with the person that they loved most. Hermione’s patronus is an otter which signifies she belongs with the Weasleys. Ron’s patronus is jack russell terrier which chases otters. Snape’s patrnous is a doe which was an illusion to the love of his life, Lily, whose patronus was also a doe (because her husband’s was a stag.) Tonks’ patronus turned into a wolf like creature because of her love for the werewolf Remus.

The person I love most is my husband, Jake. He doesn’t like dogs either, but his personality traits have often reminded me of a dog. Maybe that’s why I dream of them…. Ignoring the negative connotations of my dreams, if we go with the first paragraph about dogs in dreams, then all of those attributes can be contributed to Jake; Intuitive, Loyal, Generous, Faithful, Protector. He guards his space like a guard dog. He barks like a dog, he can be menacing so people stay away or don’t take advantage of him. He is an alpha male, an alpha dog. The leader of the pack. So maybe my patronus/spirit animal could be a dog….?

The owl’s characteristics did remind me of my Granny, though. She is the person I have loved the most in the entire world. She has been my moral compass and guiding factor for most decisions in my life; I ask myself, “What would Granny do/say?” When I need comfort, I still think of her. She was the best example of unconditional love I ever had the fortune to have in my life. I would not have associated her with an owl though. She was gentle, humble, and kind. She was generous and loyal to a fault. She could be likened to a dog maybe.

Image result for cat

Cats are my favorite animal, though. I’ve told Jake on multiple occasions that I should have been a cat/must have been a cat in a past life. That’s mainly because I am envious of how well taken care of and lazy they get to be. I am like a cat in that I like to be petted, fed, and loved. But I’m not independent or have no-cares like a cat either. Cats do show up in my dreams also, but not as often as dogs. And in my dreams, it’s usually the cats that I own now- the two tortoiseshell cats that love me and beg me for my attention.  (I have a 3rd cat but she’s an asshole and hates me.)

In reading about vision quests, it is something I would very much like to try. I feel so lost and culturally starved. I wish that I could be a better person, so I am praying more frequently than I ever have before. I wish to be something I am not. I perceive myself as someone whose burden of shame and guilt is very heavy.  Spirituality is very hard to get into, it is confronting my shadow self and I don’t perceive myself as strong enough to talk to my shadow self. I run from her. I hide from her. I distract myself so I won’t have to face her. I have taken away one false pleasure, but have not learned to indulge in my truest pleasure- knowing myself. I run from me. Therein lies the problem- we cannot escape ourselves, yet I always try.