Progress Not Perfection

Lyrics:

I’m so full of love I could barely eat

There’s nothing sweeter than my baby

I’d never want once from the cherry tree

‘Cause my baby’s sweet as can be

She give me toothaches just from kissin’ me

When my time comes around

Lay me gently in the cold dark earth

No grave can hold my body down

I’ll crawl home to her

*~*~*

My baby never fret none

About what my hands and my body done

If the lord don’t forgive me

I’d still have my baby and my babe would have me

When I was kissing on my baby

And she put her love down soft and sweet

In the lowland plot I was free

Heaven and hell were words to me

When my time comes around

Lay me gently in the cold dark earth

No grave can hold my body down


I saw a commercial today for Gatorade. Michael Jordan asked, “Do you want to know what the key to victory is? Defeat.”

There is something to be said in rising every time you fail. I was/am trying to quit smoking and I am making slip ups. If my goal was to give up smoking cold turkey, then I have failed my mission.

I feel so much happier when I smoke. I ask myself, “Why am I denying myself this? It feels so good.” It feels so good to not care. But god dammit, not caring is a slippery slope. I feel care-free right now and relieved from smoking some dirty resin. But how quickly care-free turns into a bottomless pit of despair that you’re sitting at the bottom of, smoking to forget where you are.

It’s terrible living in such despair. I have to stay away from it. I did a bad job lately when it comes to my self-reflection. For the past week and a half I have been neglecting to journal in my One Day at a Time journal and it’s fucked me up missing those days.

I have been participating in Al-Anon privately. Unfortunately, I’ve only ever went to one actual meeting and that was years ago for someone else’s problem. I realize I need to go to the meetings, I just haven’t made it a priority since I am trying to be dedicated more so to the literature. I’m on Step 4 right now which is to make a “fearless and searching moral inventory of yourself.”

That is a hard enough step without moving onto the next one. Step 5, “Become willing to admit these faults to another human being.” I made an appointment with a therapist. I could go to free meetings, but I’m too intimidated to go into a room of other people. I feel like I have to start small and admit my secrets to one person. Maybe she’ll be able to help me, but I can’t be sure. Then perhaps I can move onto the group meetings, I just feel not equal to it currently.

It’s hard to care about myself when I’ve spent so much time perfecting not caring. One nice thing about quitting smoking is that my dreams are coming back. I’ve been getting better sleep and feeling more rested. I’m not late to work because I’m smoking. I’ve been showing up to work earlier.

I have had to take more anxiety pills. It’s been 10 days since I’ve smoked actual weed. I have refrained from buying more. Technically, all I am doing is getting rid of the last of my stash. I just have a little resin left. I know I should throw it away. I have considered asking my husband to hide it for emergencies. I can’t bring myself to let him hide it, or throw it away.

Even if I’ve smoked resin a few times since Day 1, my habits are drastically improved. In my past life, I came home at 11:30pm and sat down in front of the computer and I smoked until sun up. Then I would wake and bake before work the next day. About 7 hours of the day is what I was averaging sober before. I am making progress, even if I’ve fucked up and indulged some. I just have to have a stricter resolve.

I have to remember that my discomfort is TEMPORARY. IT WILL PASS.


Steve Carell is known as a funny guy, but he has some excellent romantic roles in him as well. My hubby and I just watched;

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He had some fucking killer lines. My heart broke for them. Some of my favorite lines-

Image result for seeking a friend for the end of the world quotesPenny: I wish I’d met you a long time ago. When we were kids.

Dodge: It couldn’t have happened any other way. It had to happen now.

Penny: But it isn’t enough time.

Dodge: It never would have been.

Penny: I’m scared.

Dodge: I… am madly in love with you, Penny. You’re my favorite, favorite thing.

Penny: I thought that somehow we’d save each other.

Dodge: We did. Penny. I’m really glad I got to know you.

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Game of Thrones Season 7 premiere

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Will Sansa betray Jon?

I think the question that needs to be answered here is how important is family to Sansa? I honestly don’t think that she finds Littlefinger’s proposal tempting. I don’t see how she could ever forgive him for what happened with Ramsay. I don’t see them becoming a power couple, I don’t think she could ever trust him considering she also witnessed the scene between her aunt and him. She has even said so herself, “Only a fool would trust Littlefinger.”

I actually adore Petyr’s devious character and am in no hurry to see him killed off, but I support theories that Arya or Sansa will be the one to kill him ultimately. If she does team up with Littlefinger to overthrow Jon, it would be a very brief alliance where she kills him as soon as she gets what she wants.

Sansa is so familiar with being powerless for most of the show, I can see her getting a lot of satisfaction out of ruling. I, however, do not think she would be willing to participate in her family’s murder to accomplish it. With Bran and Arya near there may still be a reunion, and if that reunion took place I think it would drastically decrease her willingness to overthrow Jon.

I more so see Jon going to be with Dany once everyone becomes aware of his parentage. Perhaps he will leave the North in his sister’s capable hands when he leaves.

Book Worms Are the Loveliest

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How Should You Spend Your Day Off?

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You Should Spend Your Day Off Reading

You are one smart cookie, and most of your smarts have come from teaching yourself things. You are a glutton for information, and you read almost everything that you can get your hands on.

For you, there is nothing more luxurious than spending a day among books, articles, and maybe your own written word.

You travel the world, meet new friends, live many lives, and earn new degrees simply through reading!

What kind of reader are you?

 You are an Eclectic Reader

You will read almost anything, and you think the best gems are discovered randomly. You are curious about books.

Of all the types, you are the most likely to spend time browsing a bookstore, especially one with used and rare books.

Your taste is varied, but if you had to say, it’s pretty far outside the mainstream. You don’t like anything too predictable.

You appreciate experimental writing and writing that challenges you. You prefer books that make you grow, even if you they are more difficult to read.

What kind of book are you?
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You Are Realistic Fiction

You are an outgoing person and very interested in others. You have many relationships that are important to you.

You are always willing to lend an ear to a friend with a problem. And you’re even pretty good at giving advice!

Some may accuse you of loving drama, but you just seem to find yourself in the middle of it.

You are a true people person. You find the lives of others to be fascinating. You’re up for hearing anyone’s life story.

The Book Shelf Test
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 Your Book Shelf is Impressive

You collect books because you can’t imagine doing anything else. You’ve never met anyone who loves books as much as you do.

It’s hard for you to resist almost any book. Sure, you prefer good ones, but you’ve acquired plenty of weird and mediocre and just plain bad books too.

Your favorite book tends to be the one that you just finished reading. And with you, that can change on a weekly (or even daily) basis.

You read for all sorts of reasons – to relax, to learn, to grow, to laugh. You have books for every occasion and craving.

Your book collection is completely out of control and impossible to organize. You have books in every single room of the house.

You’re constantly borrowing, lending, buying, selling, and trading books. You love to share the joy of reading with everyone you know.

What are you doing? I don’t recognize you.

A look in the mirror and she’s the same in the face but older in the eyes. (read this Hey Arnold fanfiction I read that in, it is AMAZING)

between the shadow and the soul by ashleykay
Thursday was deep and hot and when she woke it was to sticky wet sheets and a feeling that the world had not changed.
Words: 5,912 Chapters: 2/5 Comments: 11 Kudos: 20 Bookmarks: 4 Hits: 317

Image result for i tried not to think but the silence was a killer too

Today I have hardly slept. That is nothing new. However, the activities I was engaged in this morning were truly astounding to me. Jake and I have been talking about building for our future. I astonished the hell out of myself by walking back onto that college campus, sight and reminder of my past failures.

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My first time around in college I regrettably slacked off. I wasted my time and their money. I couldn’t be bothered to do homework, and I slept through classes. I had to drop math 3 times because of the combination of those two problems. It took me forever to finally knock it out.

I lost focus while I was in school, preoccupied with my mother’s problems and my own woes and dating a stupid alcoholic. I dropped out of college with one class standing between me and my business degree. I just stopped going because the class was too hard, and I’d already taken the class once before. I was too proud to get tutoring, and I didn’t care enough to try so I just quit.

Four years later, and I was standing in the orange office again. My hands were trembling when I first noticed how nervous I felt. I had this sensation that someone was going to drop the bullshit smiles and look at me honestly and say, “Are you really sure about coming back? Looks like you weren’t too interested the first time.”

I don’t know how interested I am, but I still did it. I enrolled in classes to start in the Fall, or at least they are pending right now. At any rate, I started the goddamn process, and I am utterly stunned at myself. What are you doing, helping yourself? *shock of disbelief, I am so good at standing in my own way*

Visit postsecret.com for more inspiring messages, this one caught my attention.

I am surprised at myself because I am such a lazy person. I don’t know how I convinced myself to actually go and submit myself to the torture that is rising early for classes and actually applying my intelligence to something. Except I do know how, and it’s very disconcerting to me honestly.Image result for mexican baby cartoonI am interested in perusing a dietitian degree. I want to turn my life around. I have a window of about 3-5 years to birth healthy babies, and I want to make myself healthy enough to house a little one. I don’t want kids now, but I need to build the house for them for when they do come. I want to be healthier sooner.

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I look at myself in the mirror and I body-shame myself. I see my meaty arms and thighs and love handles and what I really see is cushy defeat and sorrow in all that fat. It’s like I’ve given up, but that’s not really so. I just have forgotten how to act like I care about myself.

I’ve spent so much time trying to numb myself to the things I’d rather not think about that I have robbed myself of true pleasure. I am always engaging in false pleasures, fleeting feelings. The feeling of not giving a fuck inevitably goes away until you smoke again. Smoke, or go crazy unable to escape your own thoughts.

Image result for i tried not to think but the silence was a killer too

I have established a new school of discipline for myself. It’s actually pretty funny! Hubby and I have been obsessed with watching Gordon Ramsay and all his TV shows. Master Chef, Master Chef Junior, The F word, Kitchen Nightmares, Hotel Hell. Emulating Gordon Ramsay landed my husband a promotion at the hospital kitchen he works in.

Our respect for him is very obvious. I have watched him so much that now when I am sitting down to eat, I actually look at my meal and say to myself, “Gordon Ramsay wouldn’t want me to eat this.” I usually just ate robotically in the past until way past the point of full. Lately I have been limiting my portions and I have avoided splurging on things that I know are bad for me by constantly reminding myself of what he would say about my food choices.

Image result for gordon ramsay memes

I haven’t taken care of myself because of ignorance. Now I am going to seek education and do better with it. I want to change my life and my motivations and be different than I am today. I want to give up the drugs and sedentary life style and be someone better. I guess I was so surprised because I actually took the first step today, instead of just thinking or talking about it. I don’t know if I can actually do it, accomplish getting up in the mornings and being more of a regular and responsible person, but I guess all I can do is try.

Birthday Reflections

My birthday has come and gone. 26 started as good year for me. It was the year I got married. I should have taken it as a good sign when I went one birthday without bawling my eyes out. 27 was not such a lucky start.

My 27th birthday began horribly. I had to spend it with my angry husband and alienated biological father. My husband and I got into a HUGE HORRENDOUS argument over the fact that my useless father doesn’t have a vehicle. He had a 2 o’clock curfew for the half way house with no ride home.

Jake would not allow us to give him a ride because of the contents of his pockets. He had good reason to deny the request seeing as we never know what he might be carrying- but Jake has been pulled over exactly ONCE in the almost 4 years I’ve known him.  I figured it would be safe enough, so I argued with my husband.

I had a mental breakdown first thing in the morning since we were arguing about it as soon as we woke up. He screamed bloody murder at me in the car and told me he didn’t care about me. On my birthday at some point he inevitably suggests we shouldn’t be together anymore. He has a specialty in fucking the day up, always needing to bring me to hysterical tears.

I was bawling in the walgreens we went to pick a father’s day card from. My birthday was 2 days before Father’s Day. I was already late to my meeting with Johnny. That was traumatic in and of itself, standing in the walgreen’s greeting card aisle tears streaming down my face as my husband disrespects me and cusses me as I frantically search through the cards.

So many wrong cards for Johnny; Best Dad Ever, You’re My Super Hero, Thank You For Always Being There For Me Dad, I Love You. It’s more like-

Dear Biological Father;

I wish my mother had never told me about you. She kept the secret from me for over 20 years, what was the rest of my life? I would have preferred she took her secret to the grave. I don’t want to know you or love you. I wish you were a long-forgotten lover of hers. I wish you had remained a distant memory from her past. I wish you had never reconnected, or ever showed me any love. I regret knowing about you, and wish I could forget she ever told me about you. 

Be Gone.

On the way out of Walgreens, Jake threatened to throw me out of the car and leave me. He screamed more at me, and I bawled uncontrollably because he’s always threatening me with divorce, making me feel like I’m not wanted.

When we got to my mother’s house where Johnny was waiting, Jake went so far as to threaten to leave me alone. He got in the car and started it up. I stayed standing on the porch in front of the front door with my heart in my throat from my nervous breakdown and the stress of seeing my father for the first time in two years, before I collapsed into tears out of sight of the front window and by my mother’s front yard fence.

There were so many feelings mixed with Jake’s hurt he inflicted. I hadn’t seen my dad in two years on purpose. We hadn’t spoken, and I felt wretchedly guilty about shutting him out of my life. I felt ashamed of myself. I was scared to look him in the eyes. I was afraid he’d look at me with an angry or injured expression, and I felt like I couldn’t escape.

Instead he held me non-judgmentally while Jake was making me cry. His embrace was so warm and sincere I definitely felt comforted from my earlier breakdown. I cried in his arms, but I think he thought I was emotionally charged from seeing him again, which I was partly. It felt good to be forgiven without having to ask.

I hate him for loving me the way I want to be loved. No one has loved me like him since my ex Elizabeth and my Grandma. He doesn’t believe I can do anything wrong. I am golden to him, and it’s a fucking crying shame to be so revered by someone you cannot even bare to speak with.

It feels wretched to me, to crave his perception of me and his love, but to not be able to welcome him into my life. I feel like me and my parents are standing on two different sides of a canyon, I can’t love them even when I try.

If I want Johnny’s good, I have to accept his bad, and I won’t. I can’t. So if I can’t stomach his bad, I don’t deserve his good. You can’t pick and choose what you want from a person, you get all of them or nothing. And with Johnny, I find myself wondering how safe nothing is.

Is it worth this empty feeling inside?

 

Quizzes Mo’ Quizzes

The Red Velvet Test

You Are Loving

You have so much compassion, empathy, and warmth for the world. Your love is not restricted to romantic and familial love. You enjoy doing a little something to brighten someone’s day. And you never expect to see a favor returned – giving is its own reward.

You are a truly happy person because you practice a ton of self-love. You accept yourself wherever you are, flaws and all. You know that this world is not easy to love, but you get there with your gratitude. You see so much as a blessing.

What color tea are you?
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You Are Green Tea

You are detail oriented and meticulous. You believe anything worth doing is worth doing right. You are conscientious and mindful of every action you take. You consider your effect on the world.

You are both caring and analytical. You are soft-hearted, but you don’t let your emotions rule you. Like green tea, you don’t like to over-complicate things. You think that really undervalue simplicity these days.

Your Birth Month Says
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You’re Generous

Peaceful and harmonious, you seek the gentle side of life.

Your warmth and consideration touches many.

Your soul reflects: Friendship, love, and beauty

Your gemstone: Pearl

Your flower: Rose

Your colors: Light blue, white, and cream

What does your Latte say about you?
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Your Latte Says You Are Very Serious

When it comes to what you like, you have your own unique tastes. And people don’t really understand them.

You are a very serious person. You don’t have time for silly antics.

You have a good deal of energy, but you pace yourself. You never burn out too fast.

You’re addicted to caffeine. There’s no denying it.

You are responsible, mature, and truly an adult. You’re occasionally playful, but you find it hard to be carefree.

You are expressive and friendly, but you are never pushy.