Day 5- Work on an art project

interests.JPG

I have been working on my book This Is Not A Book 🙂 !~!~!

This is a huge break through for me. I have been creatively blocked for quite some time and suddenly things feel a little bit better. I am in a grieving period right now, but my little friend has been helping me manage.

My cousin passed away. He was an Angel and it was hard how much he had to suffer. In looking at his recent pictures, you could tell how much pain he was in. He wasn’t himself, and his family were maybe not able to keep up with the demands of such a special child. They certainly did their best. I give my best regards to Radonna, a strange woman who became an integral part of our family. She is a hinge between Joe and my mom’s family, i.e. me and her. Radonna has been selfish in the past and we had a twisted history with her, my mother and I.

Now she and my mother are good friends, or they were. Radonna took around the clock care of Toby, and his needs were considerable. In the end, he was losing his ability to see. My heart wrung for the young man, and I prayed to our ancestors and the Creator for guidance. I prayed, “Please let it be your will to heal him again.”

But it was not so. In the past, I might have rallied against the Great Spirit for disappointing me but there was a mixture of feelings this time. Toby needed to be let go; his suffering needed to come to an end. It was selfish of us to want to keep him in this life that had lost so much of its’ joy. Toby’s light was put out. I cried during the funeral wondering about how of course God wanted him back, he always wants the Good ones.

Everyone in our family is a better person because of that boy. One of the things I thought during the whole ordeal was the strange assortment of people there to Love Him. “What a strange hodge podge of people,” I thought.

There were so many people in the room to tell him goodbye. Our love carried him up to Granny. We let him go together. We all had a chance to sit and speak with him before he went. He went gracefully. He spared his father the hard decision to take his son off of the  ventilator. Toby’s heart naturally gave out, he chose his time.

It was horrible. My mother’s grief painted the room. My uncle and Austin were wrecks. We were all crying together. We were all joined by our love and our pain. My Grandpa wept openly. My uncle was commended by several members of the family.

The Celebration of Life went well. We all had stories to tell about him. My mother was the first to speak, the one to give the eulogy. I had the impulse to go to her, but then I thought that might deter her from speaking as well and I hung back. She painted such a funny picture of her days together with Toby.

My Aunt Rob painted the trickster side of him. He had such a funny personality. So many quirks and wonderful memories. Me and my cousins told stories about our times with him. I shared the story about how when Joe and his family moved out, mom, me, and Granny all felt like our purpose left with them. That’s why we were never far, I said, and everyone chuckled.

I thought that Toby’s funeral would be packed. I thought so many people loved him. But in all actuality, it was fewer than 50 people who attended. My friends Veronica and Katie came to support me. My Husband came and sat at my side. He held me as the wave of emotions and grief rolled over me.

I squeezed my Grandpa’s hand. He wept and his shoulders shook. Walker was on his other side, a representative of Rhonda’s side of the family. It was very nice of him to come. He didn’t have to, since Rhonda should have.

I put together the memoriam. That was my aspect to do, since my mother was performing the eulogy. My Uncle said, “I have nothing without you two girls.” Because we were both running late, as per usual. I’ll be late to my own funeral, it’s no surprise I was late to his.

Joe is cremating our poor Toby. It has always been the Roberts way to bury our dead. It has unsettled my mother and myself that Joe made that decision. No one more than my mother. Joe is getting ashes of his son together to disperse throughout the family. He wants everyone to have a piece of Toby. I am aghast. I don’t like the idea of him scattered everywhere, it seems to me he should be altogether.

We are burying some of him with Granny. That is fitting. If I should die before my time, I wish to be buried there also with her. If my mother is dead already, have me cremated. If she is still living, let her have her way and bury me. If I am to become ashes, do not keep me. I want to be returned to the Earth, part of Mother Earth. Either way, place me well below the ground.

Advertisements

Day 4- Share a confession

I saw this image and it immediately made someone come to mind.

Recently, I did a “fun” experiment~ I decided to create my own “The List” inspired by My Name is Earl. I have been enjoying rewatching the series because it is a thoughtful, heart warming comedy for all it is about trailer trash. I think Earl is an attractive, morally right man if not in body and appearance necessarily. (Homey don’t float my boat, I just mad admire his character, does that make sense?)

I have been half heartedly attempting the 12 steps of the Al-Anon program. I always get caught up in step four) making amends for the wrongs you’ve committed. Approaching someone and doing something to gain closure/clear the air. It is so daunting, I feel like I can never face them or say what I really need to say to them.

Earl does it on a regular basis. He faces tough situations all the time, but he’s always able to endure whatever shit they dish out to him in retribution. When he works through their bad feelings, he’s able to forge a different kind of relationship with them and move past whatever slight he caused in the first place. I want to get to that healing place.

In making The List, I divided my deeds into different categories. There was a whole subsection of my past that belonged to Elizabeth and my poor mangled heart. In doing my list, I have to admit, it looks like I might regret getting espoused sometimes. The two figures from my past that caused me the most regret and the most to forgive were my two exes Elizabeth and Hakim. I wish I could have been with either of them sometimes.

My woes about Elizabeth keep me awake at night. The overall anxiety, sense of guilt, and unease in her presence. She used to be my closest friend and confidant, and now she is a fearless stranger roaming the streets for people’s rights. Talking to her did make me feel better. But the things I still won’t say~

“How to take back what I did? How to tell the world you were mine, when I was so afraid someone might find out? I think about the night we went to the foam party, and that girl asked us if we were girlfriends… I should have said yes, but I was scared. It’s no excuse. I’m sorry I played with your heart. I didn’t deserve you, and I’m sorry I ill-abused you and abandoned you. I didn’t like taking responsibility. I turned my head the other way.

I’m sorry that I picked Jake over you. I have always felt great shame when I consider the end of our friendship or should I say talking days…. You were so upset about the way I was letting myself be controlled in my relationship. I couldn’t hear what you were saying. I was making the best choice for me, even if it doesn’t look ideal to other people. Your disapproval made it hard for me to talk to you. I knew the depth of your feelings towards me also. I couldn’t handle it. I wasn’t ready, and I foolishly lead you on.

I’m sorry I pushed you away.”

Day 3- Write a letter to someone

Dear Toby,

Thank you for being a light in all of our lives. To know you was to love you. I am sorry that I did not see you as often in the end. Eternally sorry. I used to dream of you, I know now that I should have heeded my dreams and gone to see you. I hope you will forgive me.

I have so many better memories of you. The good far outweighs the bad. I remember when I was young, I helped to teach you how to crawl. We used to practice on Granny’s big king bed in her bedroom. You wouldn’t remember maybe, but that was precious to me.

When you were little, I carried you around with me. I would go out to Granny’s porch swing and take you with me, lay you down on my chest and we’d doze in the sun.

I know I had a couple of accidents with you, and I hope you didn’t hold them against me. I dropped you out of your chair once, did a few things I’m ashamed of. I am sorry that I was upset about mom loving you so much. You needed her more than I did, and I knew that. It was just hard sometimes.

I’m glad you were such a joy and comfort in her life. Thank you for being a kind and joyful young man. Your smile made all the difference in our hearts. It was painful to see that gone from you, and I hope you are happy with Granny now. I didn’t want you to suffer any longer, but I will always miss you. Please watch over Aunt Lari, she loves you most of all. Give her joy and peace if you can, influence her to live in your spirit. Watch over your brother, it is your turn to be His Keeper. Do not let him turn to the dark.

You have joined our great ancestors. Your blood runs in my veins. I will feel stronger when I think of you, not weaker. It is rightful to mourn the passing of the young. I will not feel shame in that. I loved you, and will always love you still.

Day 2

Day 2. Share a post from one of your favorite websites

Image may contain: text

30 Day Challenge – Day 1

I can never do anything on time, so why kid myself about this? So I didn’t start at the beginning of the month, I can start now IF I WANT! Which I am going to;

(Pay no attention to the crazy lady behind the curtain)

Day 1.

Look in the mirror & say out loud what you love about your body

  • My hair is awesome. Very good for my self-esteem.
  • I am fun-sized. I like being short, it makes me look cute. (5’4″)
  • I have curves. They may be ample, but other girls have envied them. (205 lbs)
  • My boobs are enviable in some cases (even if I don’t think so, I’d rather have them than not, 40DD)
  • My sexy pajamas were totally worth the money $$$ (Torrid.com)
  • I have a pretty smile
  • My lipstick is bomb (Naughty Plum ;))
  • My relationship with my genitalia is improving thanks to the new product I bought- totally wise purchase ❤

Are you cake or pie?

You Are Cake

You are sweet – at times overly so. You can be a bit overwhelming. You’re always ready to party, and you’re usually one of the last ones to leave an event.

You are there for your friends in the best and worst of times. You make anyone’s day. You are soothing, accepting, and totally comforting. No wonder so many people love you.
Blogthings: 100’s of Fun, Free Quizzes!

Today was a good day. I had to remind myself today before work that I wasn’t getting ready to go into my old job. I don’t have to dread work. Work is not a horrible thing. Work is terribly mundane, in comparison to the Renaissance.

I miss my old workers. I think about going by the Ren, but think better of when I consider how guilty I feel. My therapist says I have a hard time taking care of myself, like I have trouble giving myself permission to take care of myself. She said I have trouble putting myself first, taking care of my needs. I say I have no self-discipline.

All the time in the world for selfie taking at work…. I babysit an empty desk a lot of the time. . . >__>

Happy Thanksgiving!

I had a wonderful Thanksgiving for the most part. The only emotional outburst that happened was by me, and in the privacy of my own home. I love Jake, I love my mother, they are my family. But I still opted to make my mother and I go to my uncle’s in-laws for Thanksgiving. I wanted us to have a big family meal, and that was had by all. I assured my mother her home made chicken noodles would be the best dish at the other people’s house and I was right. It made mom feel good when they complimented her for home-making it.

Later that evening, when Jake got home, we went over to my mom’s house for our own meal. My mom made a full feast just for us, and her food was even better. I was glad to remove some of the stress from my mom’s shoulders this holiday season, not letting her host a real big family event when my dad is in jail and we still don’t know how long.

Anyway, here’s my master list for the holiday:

  1. a working vehicle
  2. a hard working man
  3. anxiety medication
  4. netflix, a means of entertainment
  5. a GOOD PAYING JOB!
  6. a roof over my head
  7. my feet
  8. that I have enough $$$ to buy gifts for people
  9. i’m not addicted to hard drugs
  10. computers
  11. writers
  12. warm, fuzzy socks
  13. the existence of anime
  14. I do not suffer from any deformities
  15. a deep mind
  16. diaries to unload my thoughts
  17. poetry
  18. gin & juice cocktails
  19. native american jewelry
  20. battery operated marital aids
  21. a large extended family
  22. the fact that I had a wonderful grandma to cook Thanksgiving dinners in my past
  23. the trip I took summer 05 & time spent with my Grandpa 
  24. control top pantyhose
  25. smart phones
  26. a boss that is my friend
  27. less stress in my day to day life
  28. alarm clocks
  29. sexy cosplay girls
  30. fanfiction.net