Progress Not Perfection

Lyrics:

I’m so full of love I could barely eat

There’s nothing sweeter than my baby

I’d never want once from the cherry tree

‘Cause my baby’s sweet as can be

She give me toothaches just from kissin’ me

When my time comes around

Lay me gently in the cold dark earth

No grave can hold my body down

I’ll crawl home to her

*~*~*

My baby never fret none

About what my hands and my body done

If the lord don’t forgive me

I’d still have my baby and my babe would have me

When I was kissing on my baby

And she put her love down soft and sweet

In the lowland plot I was free

Heaven and hell were words to me

When my time comes around

Lay me gently in the cold dark earth

No grave can hold my body down


I saw a commercial today for Gatorade. Michael Jordan asked, “Do you want to know what the key to victory is? Defeat.”

There is something to be said in rising every time you fail. I was/am trying to quit smoking and I am making slip ups. If my goal was to give up smoking cold turkey, then I have failed my mission.

I feel so much happier when I smoke. I ask myself, “Why am I denying myself this? It feels so good.” It feels so good to not care. But god dammit, not caring is a slippery slope. I feel care-free right now and relieved from smoking some dirty resin. But how quickly care-free turns into a bottomless pit of despair that you’re sitting at the bottom of, smoking to forget where you are.

It’s terrible living in such despair. I have to stay away from it. I did a bad job lately when it comes to my self-reflection. For the past week and a half I have been neglecting to journal in my One Day at a Time journal and it’s fucked me up missing those days.

I have been participating in Al-Anon privately. Unfortunately, I’ve only ever went to one actual meeting and that was years ago for someone else’s problem. I realize I need to go to the meetings, I just haven’t made it a priority since I am trying to be dedicated more so to the literature. I’m on Step 4 right now which is to make a “fearless and searching moral inventory of yourself.”

That is a hard enough step without moving onto the next one. Step 5, “Become willing to admit these faults to another human being.” I made an appointment with a therapist. I could go to free meetings, but I’m too intimidated to go into a room of other people. I feel like I have to start small and admit my secrets to one person. Maybe she’ll be able to help me, but I can’t be sure. Then perhaps I can move onto the group meetings, I just feel not equal to it currently.

It’s hard to care about myself when I’ve spent so much time perfecting not caring. One nice thing about quitting smoking is that my dreams are coming back. I’ve been getting better sleep and feeling more rested. I’m not late to work because I’m smoking. I’ve been showing up to work earlier.

I have had to take more anxiety pills. It’s been 10 days since I’ve smoked actual weed. I have refrained from buying more. Technically, all I am doing is getting rid of the last of my stash. I just have a little resin left. I know I should throw it away. I have considered asking my husband to hide it for emergencies. I can’t bring myself to let him hide it, or throw it away.

Even if I’ve smoked resin a few times since Day 1, my habits are drastically improved. In my past life, I came home at 11:30pm and sat down in front of the computer and I smoked until sun up. Then I would wake and bake before work the next day. About 7 hours of the day is what I was averaging sober before. I am making progress, even if I’ve fucked up and indulged some. I just have to have a stricter resolve.

I have to remember that my discomfort is TEMPORARY. IT WILL PASS.


Steve Carell is known as a funny guy, but he has some excellent romantic roles in him as well. My hubby and I just watched;

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He had some fucking killer lines. My heart broke for them. Some of my favorite lines-

Image result for seeking a friend for the end of the world quotesPenny: I wish I’d met you a long time ago. When we were kids.

Dodge: It couldn’t have happened any other way. It had to happen now.

Penny: But it isn’t enough time.

Dodge: It never would have been.

Penny: I’m scared.

Dodge: I… am madly in love with you, Penny. You’re my favorite, favorite thing.

Penny: I thought that somehow we’d save each other.

Dodge: We did. Penny. I’m really glad I got to know you.

Addictions and What Like

Image result for shameless season 2

Jake and I have been watching the show Shameless on Netflix lately. At first, I found the show to be entertaining- somehow making light of alcoholism and the myriad of other dysfunctions that are going on in the show. It made it seem funny somehow, when really it is just so fucking overwhelming.

The last episode that we watched together, I found my anxiety spiking. When I talked to my friend Latta about the show he told me the show actually stressed him out to watch and suddenly I felt the same way. The episode hit a little too close to home.

Frank the protagonist’s mother gets out of jail. She has been serving a 12 year stretch for meth and drug charges, been released on medical leave an old mean woman. Frank hates her as much as she bullies him and makes him take care of her personal hygiene and the like when she gets out. She’s old and decrepit and it is stated that she should be in a hospice.

She comes into some money that she exhorts out of her old business partner. Having been missing from her grandchildren’s lives growing up, she starts buying them gifts which wins her their affections. The two youngest children get spoiled and love her for it. She takes the youngest kid Carl and decides “let’s teach you a skill.”

In which she meant she was going to teach him how to make a meth lab. -___- In their attempts to get things started, the lab blows up and Fiona the oldest daughter and caregiver of the family banishes Frank’s mother from their home.

Frank’s mother is dying of pancreatic cancer. Frank responds to this by stealing her pain medication and disappearing. He leaves his mother with his girlfriend, Sheila. Sheila has publicly gone on record stating how much she hates this woman, yet in the face of her disease she starts to soften towards the older lady. With the help of her daughter’s ex, she takes care of Frank’s mom until she expressed the desire to kill herself.

Fiona the caregiver had out Frank’s mother in time out, she said. The kids weren’t allowed to go and see her. The grandma is mad that the children don’t come to see her. It seems like she is shameless like the show suggests because she doesn’t seem to think anything of her behavior; i.e. nearly getting a 10 year old killed in a meth lab explosion.

She doesn’t have any reason to live, no one wants her. Her son (Frank) hates her and doesn’t want to take care of her. Her grandchildren aren’t allowed to see her. She is already in a lot of pain. She asks Sheila to help her end her life, and Sheila obliges.

I had to change to something else to watch after that episode. The way the Grandma felt and the pity I felt for her unsettled me so much. It made me think about my own mother, a guilty feeling curling in my gut.

I never see my mother if I can help it. Her addiction and the people she spends time with make me stay away. I don’t feel safe when I go to her house, my childhood home. She must feel as lonely as the Grandma did, and it hurts me to think. She makes me stay away, she could be different, but she won’t be. I hate having to draw the line and never see her. Our family was never like that, and yet here I am. Alienating myself from her, because it’s easier than watching her suffer.

She suffers and there’s nothing I can do to change her behavior. She has to make the decision, but she hasn’t. She makes me stay away. She doesn’t want me around, or she would change. I know it’s impossible… I couldn’t do anything for Joshua either. They have to make these decisions on their own, and mom isn’t ready to. I can’t make her get a job, I can’t make her stop.

I want to be around her. I want not to be stressed out every time she calls asking for something. I want to be able to talk to her without feeling upset. She makes me feel so guilty, like if I could love her harder it would make a difference. But it wouldn’t, and it’s a hard pill for me to swallow. She keeps me away. I hate her for it. But they do say hate is love twisted, it’s that depth of feeling I can’t escape. I wouldn’t want to escape, I just wish she could make things easier. I wish loving her wasn’t so hard.

Loving my father is complicated, too. I value his love, but I hate his lifestyle. I can’t be around or even talk to him. He’s been living in a half way house and he and my mother have reconnected again. She gets to spend a few hours a day with him. And are they looking for a job for him to maintain his status at the half way house? No sireebob. (Who was surprised by that?)

As much as I dislike my father, I’m happy my mom is happy. They are a stupid couple that makes no sense. They both have too much pride to be together. They’re both too head strong. For their relationship to work properly, they’d both have to be different people. I don’t know how, but they somehow make it work even though they’re fighting all the time. They have a very on-again-off-again kind of relationship. It’s hard for me to keep up.

I am dreading December. My dad will get out of the half way house around then, and come back to live with my mom. They are talking about getting married. I would be thrilled if my mother got married, as much as I don’t like him. He loves me, maybe he’ll grow on me. Then she would be his problem. I never know what to do about them, besides hold them at arm’s length.

Mood of the Week: Hopeful (or trying to be)

Things have been rather hard for me lately. I have a bad mind set about practically everything, and I am once again having to practice mindfulness to pick myself up out of my slump.

I discovered in my teen years that I get bouts of depression like this, where I feel everything is black and hopeless and I’m consumed by all my worries, and I just have to take an objective step back and chill. Stop fucking killing yourself, there’s enough mother fuckers out there that would be happy enough to do the job if you let them.So don’t let them, and certainly don’t be your own worst enemy. You have to be on your own side. If you don’t believe in yourself, who else will? You’re the only one who will never leave you. Love yourself, you deserve to like the person you are. You have to live with who you are.

Are you Joy, Love, or Peace?


You Are Love
Your happiness is giving, warm, and compassionate. You get satisfaction from personal relationships and connections. You’re the type of person who loves to be in love, and that doesn’t have to necessarily mean romantic love.

You value deep friendships and knowing someone well. You consider your friends to be your family. You take a leap and put people first in your life. It’s not about how much you get but how much you give.

 I mention all this also because I was talking to my boss and friend Latta the other day when we were alone. I mentioned how much my parents are stressing me out, particularly my father who is still incarcerated at the moment. He asks me for money, and Latta looked scandalized when I told him. My mom expects me to come through for him, and I sit here feeling my depression worsen, considering the two. They are a heavy burden on me.
I would be better off if I just stopped talking to them both. They break my heart. The wring my mind with worry and anxiety, and I fear my mother is going to stress me into diabetes somehow. My Granny thought family was so important, but could she withstand what I am having to deal with so coolly? I think not!
I get mad, I can’t around my mother because I have to keep my hurtful feelings to myself. I don’t go around her because it is on the tip of my tongue to upbraid her, or otherwise I know in my gut that if I get alone with her and talk real, it will end in screaming and crying and injured feelings. She will hate me for telling her the truth about how I’ve lost my respect for her and I don’t trust her,that I miss her but feel like I can’t be around her anymore. It chokes me up to even think about it, which is why I’ve been avoiding writing this post for so long.
I want my mother to go to rehab, or South Dakota where she doesn’t know anybody up with my Grandpa where he can get her a job. Keep her out of trouble, if that is even a possibility— and that’s what I fear, that she won’t give up and would rather have me gone from her life. That’s what I feel like she is picking- her horrible, desolate life full of drugs and lonely nights over me. It’s horrible to give up on someone and leave them to their own fate, but that is what my common sense is telling me to do.
Forget her, she is dragging you down.
Out of sight, out of mind.
Please don’t call me either.
I am done with you.

These are strange times we live in

Strange But True vol. V

I visited with my mother, my aunt, and her boyfriend today. It was a pretty unpleasant experience actually. I hate to admit it, but my mother is poison that just friggin’ kills me. My Aunt Rob is very disapproving of her addiction as well. Rob only stays in town for one night usually because she doesn’t like being around my mom on drugs. She doesn’t bring her kids anymore because Mom is like how she is. It breaks my heart. It kills me.

My mom’s on her own, and she’s doing horrible. No one’s taking care of her, and I can’t. It’s too hard. I can’t, and I know that isn’t a good excuse. It feels horrible to know someone who won’t help themselves.

It was hard enough for me when I dated an alcoholic. Now I have an uncomfortable view of and relationship with my mother because of her drug addiction. I don’t come around because I don’t like her lifestyle, and her absence in my life makes me feel horrible. I don’t like to talk to her or be around her because I just can’t handle it. Being around er reminds me that I am failing her, and I feel ashamed of myself. I feel ashamed of her. I am resentful, and hopeless with despair.

My mom asked my aunt to talk to me. My mom still wants to invite her shithead friend Shelley to my engagement party. I do not like this bitch. I don’t care that she keeps my mom from being lonely. I don’t like her because she encourages my mom’s lifestyle and probably is stealing from her. I don’t trust the woman. And when my mom asked if she could have an invitation, I immediately felt hesitant because I knew if I felt the need to warn my mom she’s not allowed to be on drugs at the party because of Shelley, then I don’t want that fuckin’ bitch there.

However, she is my mom’s closest friend right now so I am in between a rock and a hard place. I am so upset at my mother for doing so badly and not being able to pull herself out of it. I am angry at her. I don’t know what I should do. Rob and I talked about mom going to rehab, and by God if it doesn’t sound like what she’ll need. I can’t help her. I can’t be there for her. She needs more help than I provide.

I want to show my mother I care about her, and that I need her to make this change. Mom. I miss you. I can’t stand that you’re letting this happen to you. I think it would be best for you if you went with Grandpa, and take Zeus with you. My mom needs to go somewhere she doesn’t know anybody and get away from the life and people she’s around now. I love you mom but you need it, you need to get away. I’ll miss you more than anything while you’re gone, but I want you to get better. I need you to get better. I need you, and I’m scared of losing you.Please go away, so you can come back. You can become stronger, you can do better. I know you can.