Shadow Work

I read some advice recently online about eating disorders. I’ve been avoiding doing the task they set before me. You make a list of your roles, and what you are doing to further those roles right now. Then, you make a list of how you can improve those roles. It’s an exercise to see where your disappointments lay- you are supposed to recognize the areas of your life that need work and start focusing accordingly.

Daughter
Things I Do Now: Calling my mother everyday, skipping out of work early one day a week to spend time with mom, spending days off with her

What I envision: Call her every day, spend occasional off days with her, go over to her house more often i.e. visits after work, perform an intervention for her, help her to get a job

Family Member
Things I Do Now: Barely anything, only focus on my mother.

What I envision: Once a month meetings with Joe’s family, summer plans with extended family, getting to see Rob over the summer, call my aunt rob and Grandpa more often, call Joe and Austin more often, go over to Joe’s house with Jake for fight nights, float the river family trip, go on summer trip with Jake’s family, spend more time with Jake’s cousin Korey and his wife, visit my Grandpa at work randomly and take him snacks

Individual
Things I Do Now: Masturbating, writing, working on art project, browsing social media websites, overeating, binging and purging

What I envision: Go outside more often, go to parks more often, visit the Memorial more often, go places on my days off, work out, lose weight, control eating habits, go to therapy, get myriad of medical issues checked out

Spiritual/Cultural
Things I Do Now: Carry a medicine bag, listen to A Tribe Called Red, listen to Native American drums and flutes, smudging the house, praying outside under the sky

What I envision: Going to powwow every year, listening to Medicine Men chanting/DELTA wave music to relax recreationally around the house, praying and smudging more often, learn Spanish

Business
Things I Do Now: Non confrontational, lazy, unfocused, half assed

What I envision: Well organized, smaller department, becoming Front Office Manager of a Residence Inn, Springhill Suites, other limited service Marriott hotel, ultimately ending up a writer (short novel or magazine editor), become the next JK Rowling, have to spend a lot more time invested in my writing

Wife
Things I Do Now: Withhold sex, always admit I am wrong and he is right, let him have his way even when he’s being a brat, let him treat me like shit, not close intimately, doesn’t want to hear my inner most thoughts, uncaring of my feelings, controlling, posessive

What I envision: Him settling with a lesser sex life than he wants, him treating me with respect and love, him being emotionally present in the relationship, eating meals at a kitchen table without TV or computer, just talking. More adventurous sex. More willingness to take me on dates and say nice things to me. Touches me involuntarily. More opportunities to dress up, double dates, making friends. More open minded, less neurosis.

Potential Parent
Things I Do Now: Nothing

What I envision: Save money for a house, quit drugs to pass inspections to get foster kids, lose weight to have a biological kid, convince husband to get his vasectomy reversed, get a better job to afford kids, work a 9-5 job for kids

Friend
Things I Do Now: Call Katie every time I have a freak out

What I envision: Monthly meetings with Christina and Katie, more whenever meetings with Katie, call Katie just to check up on HER, call Elizabeth and Veronica more often, get back in touch with Melanie, wine and paint parties, exercise budy with Sara, become friends with Whitney and Leslie

Recovering Addict
Things I Do Now: 12 Step Al-Anon work

What I envision: Going to al-anon meetings, finding a sponsor, completing the steps, feeling better about myself, cope with my emotions better


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I mention this because I have been contemplating My List Inspired by My Name is Earl. I have a whole subsection of my list that deals with cheating on various individuals. Plus, cheating is an interesting topic in my family.

My Grandpa is a chronic philanderer. My aunt was a serial cheater. My uncle cheated, also. My other uncle slept with married women. My mother sleeps with a married man. My mother cheated on my dad. My dad cheated on my mother. It’s a morally gray area in our family. My Granny was the best person who ever lived, but miraculously enough the person I love most next is the person who hurt her the most. What a bizarre turn of events for our family. My friends have often said that my life could be a soap opera.

I don’t think cheating is okay. I did it, though. The first time I cheated, I cheated on a crush with my ex. We were dating verging on girlfriend-boyfriend material when I signed that relationship’s death warrant by sleeping with my ex whom I was still radically in love with at the time.

The person I feel the worst about cheating on though is not him. It’s Hakim. He was the most stable relationship I ever had in my life. We didn’t have to see each other or talk everyday. I wasn’t addicted to weed back then. Things were just starting to get bad with my mom back then.

I cheated on Hakim because he had a spectacular cock he would not share with me. At the time I didn’t understand, but now I do- he was depressed. His libido was in the dumps. He often had existential crises. I feel so stupid that I didn’t see it, then. I didn’t appreciate him for the gentle soul he was. We were kindred spirits but I could only think with my clit. I wasn’t getting the attention I wanted- so I went out and found it elsewhere.

The first person I cheated on him with was my ex. I knew my ex had smoke and knew how to touch me like I craved. So I went to him again, a couple of different times. I wasn’t in love with my ex anymore by this point- we had become the best of friends with benefits. We fucked but we never kissed anymore.

The next time was a random stranger. We saw each other regularly since he worked at the store around the corner from my mother’s house. He liked me, I liked him. He had a girlfriend and a baby, and I didn’t care to learn their names. He likewise wasn’t interested in knowing me. We just groped in the car and store sometimes until it all culminated one night.

We had a quickie behind my mother’s house in her apartment. We fumbled around in the dark until he came and left me feeling unsatisfied. He suddenly remembered he had someplace to be and what’s worse was I was his ride. I never saw him again after that.

But I did see the neighbor boy Daniel, back from over seas. He drunkenly invited me over to his house in the middle of the night later that night. He never knew that I had been with someone that same night- we did it in his den, the room we grew up playing together in as kids at his house. He struggled to keep his tiny dick up and ended up fingering me to completion. It was our second and last time together, first time sober.

The fourth person was my best friend. Our relationship heated up and it was impossible to deny the mutual attraction any longer. It didn’t feel wrong because I loved her so much. He liked her, too. Never suspected a thing, and didn’t hold it against me when I admitted I had feelings for her. He still sought me out later on down the line despite knowing I had emotionally cheated on him. I did not outright admit that I cheated physically.

After An Affair: Are You Wracked With Guilt After Cheating?

I read this article about cheating. It’s hard to find articles from the other side- the person who cheated and feels guilty. It made a lot of stupid points in my opinion. “Recognize that the bad person who did this deed, also does good things for you. Recognize that while you did wrong the person you cheated on, they got something out of you cheating on them.”

For example, I cheated on Hakim and broke up with him. He had other opportunities to find a girl who wouldn’t cheat on him and who would understand him better by not being with me. He’s a fool for never knowing how bad I was- Am I bad a person for never admitting the truth?

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In Al-Anon, the steps say:

Made direct amends to [people we have harmed] wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others

To even dream of coming clean to Hakim is impossible to think. This is surely what cases like this were made for- revealing that you cheated is selfish! haha~!

Is it, though? Am I as bad as the rest of my family?

Are things better when people don’t know? If a tree falls with no around to hear, does it make a sound? If you got away with it, and they were none the wiser, how is revealing your short comings supposed to make them feel better? Or me?

I guess some people think, “They deserve to know.” But knowing sure is ugly. It ripped my Grandma apart. I will never forget the time she informed me she tried to get medical benefits through her husband’s job, and he had listed himself as a single man. I can still remember the hurt look on her face.

My Aunt has done a fine good job of telling people her misdeeds. It is no wonder her husband finally went cuckoo. As I said, she is a serial cheater and has had many relationships outside her marriage in the past years. She is quite frankly a sensual and down to earth woman. Most people would call her a whore but I was settle for promiscuous. I admired her sometimes, she talked to me like a friend. She liked trading bawdy stories back and forth about our conquests. Her children knew all about her relationships and called them Uncle. Her boyfriends dined at their dinner table with the whole family, under the guise of a family friend. One time Rob told me about a time her husband asked her, “But won’t they all know?

You mean how we HAVE KNOWN FOR YEARS?

The humiliation, I cannot imagine. I find it difficult to imagine a scenario in which I could be like Hillary and accept Bill Clinton’s actions. I know it was a terrible thing for me to do, but I was being young and free. I wasn’t the one who was married. Cheating before marriage is somehow less worse. I was having fun, being young, wild, and free.

Short term lesson: Short flings are more acceptable form of cheating, whereas drawn out emotional relationships with another person are particularly damaging. I saw an article recently on the web that talked about that- how women are in fact less angry about cheating that is just about sex than about EMOTIONAL cheating with another woman.

I have to think about these things because my life is weird. I chose an unusual member of society to marry. I have dated more than just one man that has had threesomes before. My husband happens to be one of them. He was in a poly-amorous relationship in his twenties for a while. He dated and lived with two women simultaneously. They were a thrupple.

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thrupple
noun. a three-way sexual relationship with three partners.

-“When two just isn’t enough!”

My husband has expressed a desire to follow this life style again. He feels dissatisfied with our sex life for a couple of different reasons. Some of his reasons aren’t so stupid, though. He insists that he knows I want to be with a woman. I can’t lie and say that’s not true.

He has found someone that he desires, and he’s asked if I want to meet her. But this is ALL WRONG for me. Not the thrupple- I am actually not too horribly against the idea of adding a third person to the relationship. It’s just that Jacob and I have different visions.

First of all, I would rather be the one to pick the person. I want someone who is ideally more interested in me than my husband. I’d rather him be an accessory piece to any lesbian action. I’d prefer him not to fuck or kiss her. He can do things with me- which makes me suspect that I am truly too jealous in nature to allow a sister wife.

I will be the first to admit I am insecure.

“All I told them is everything they wanted to know!”
-Deadpool 2

I don’t want anyone to take my husband from me. I don’t want him to be interested in anyone else just yet. I thought we could go years before we would have to add a third person.

I want us to have a solid foundation. And at this time, we just don’t. I don’t have the confidence in our relationship and his treatment of me to allow him a sister wife. If he treated me more respectfully, perhaps we could bargain in some way, but he hasn’t shown that side of himself in quite some time.

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I’m not a PRUDE! I wanted to live polyamorously with my bff. I loved her and my first boyfriend equally, but she wasn’t down for him in any way. She was all about me. The thrupple that I am seeking is different than this domestic vibe my husband is trying to coin.

I want a third person to make our lives more exciting! I expect with two of us, I could force Jake to do much more fun and adventurous things. We would go on dates together. But I don’t want her to live with us- I imagine this radically ideal free-loving spirit kind of woman. I’m not saying she’s a slut, just that she loves who feels right. My husband does not like the idea of her not being beholden to us, though. I want something more casual to start out and he wants like this big commitment right away. We’re not seeing eye to eye. Well, in most ways. We both want me to have a girlfriend, lol.

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Day 4- Share a confession

I saw this image and it immediately made someone come to mind.

Recently, I did a “fun” experiment~ I decided to create my own “The List” inspired by My Name is Earl. I have been enjoying rewatching the series because it is a thoughtful, heart warming comedy for all it is about trailer trash. I think Earl is an attractive, morally right man if not in body and appearance necessarily. (Homey don’t float my boat, I just mad admire his character, does that make sense?)

I have been half heartedly attempting the 12 steps of the Al-Anon program. I always get caught up in step four) making amends for the wrongs you’ve committed. Approaching someone and doing something to gain closure/clear the air. It is so daunting, I feel like I can never face them or say what I really need to say to them.

Earl does it on a regular basis. He faces tough situations all the time, but he’s always able to endure whatever shit they dish out to him in retribution. When he works through their bad feelings, he’s able to forge a different kind of relationship with them and move past whatever slight he caused in the first place. I want to get to that healing place.

In making The List, I divided my deeds into different categories. There was a whole subsection of my past that belonged to Elizabeth and my poor mangled heart. In doing my list, I have to admit, it looks like I might regret getting espoused sometimes. The two figures from my past that caused me the most regret and the most to forgive were my two exes Elizabeth and Hakim. I wish I could have been with either of them sometimes.

My woes about Elizabeth keep me awake at night. The overall anxiety, sense of guilt, and unease in her presence. She used to be my closest friend and confidant, and now she is a fearless stranger roaming the streets for people’s rights. Talking to her did make me feel better. But the things I still won’t say~

“How to take back what I did? How to tell the world you were mine, when I was so afraid someone might find out? I think about the night we went to the foam party, and that girl asked us if we were girlfriends… I should have said yes, but I was scared. It’s no excuse. I’m sorry I played with your heart. I didn’t deserve you, and I’m sorry I ill-abused you and abandoned you. I didn’t like taking responsibility. I turned my head the other way.

I’m sorry that I picked Jake over you. I have always felt great shame when I consider the end of our friendship or should I say talking days…. You were so upset about the way I was letting myself be controlled in my relationship. I couldn’t hear what you were saying. I was making the best choice for me, even if it doesn’t look ideal to other people. Your disapproval made it hard for me to talk to you. I knew the depth of your feelings towards me also. I couldn’t handle it. I wasn’t ready, and I foolishly lead you on.

I’m sorry I pushed you away.”

Progress Not Perfection

Lyrics:

I’m so full of love I could barely eat

There’s nothing sweeter than my baby

I’d never want once from the cherry tree

‘Cause my baby’s sweet as can be

She give me toothaches just from kissin’ me

When my time comes around

Lay me gently in the cold dark earth

No grave can hold my body down

I’ll crawl home to her

*~*~*

My baby never fret none

About what my hands and my body done

If the lord don’t forgive me

I’d still have my baby and my babe would have me

When I was kissing on my baby

And she put her love down soft and sweet

In the lowland plot I was free

Heaven and hell were words to me

When my time comes around

Lay me gently in the cold dark earth

No grave can hold my body down


I saw a commercial today for Gatorade. Michael Jordan asked, “Do you want to know what the key to victory is? Defeat.”

There is something to be said in rising every time you fail. I was/am trying to quit smoking and I am making slip ups. If my goal was to give up smoking cold turkey, then I have failed my mission.

I feel so much happier when I smoke. I ask myself, “Why am I denying myself this? It feels so good.” It feels so good to not care. But god dammit, not caring is a slippery slope. I feel care-free right now and relieved from smoking some dirty resin. But how quickly care-free turns into a bottomless pit of despair that you’re sitting at the bottom of, smoking to forget where you are.

It’s terrible living in such despair. I have to stay away from it. I did a bad job lately when it comes to my self-reflection. For the past week and a half I have been neglecting to journal in my One Day at a Time journal and it’s fucked me up missing those days.

I have been participating in Al-Anon privately. Unfortunately, I’ve only ever went to one actual meeting and that was years ago for someone else’s problem. I realize I need to go to the meetings, I just haven’t made it a priority since I am trying to be dedicated more so to the literature. I’m on Step 4 right now which is to make a “fearless and searching moral inventory of yourself.”

That is a hard enough step without moving onto the next one. Step 5, “Become willing to admit these faults to another human being.” I made an appointment with a therapist. I could go to free meetings, but I’m too intimidated to go into a room of other people. I feel like I have to start small and admit my secrets to one person. Maybe she’ll be able to help me, but I can’t be sure. Then perhaps I can move onto the group meetings, I just feel not equal to it currently.

It’s hard to care about myself when I’ve spent so much time perfecting not caring. One nice thing about quitting smoking is that my dreams are coming back. I’ve been getting better sleep and feeling more rested. I’m not late to work because I’m smoking. I’ve been showing up to work earlier.

I have had to take more anxiety pills. It’s been 10 days since I’ve smoked actual weed. I have refrained from buying more. Technically, all I am doing is getting rid of the last of my stash. I just have a little resin left. I know I should throw it away. I have considered asking my husband to hide it for emergencies. I can’t bring myself to let him hide it, or throw it away.

Even if I’ve smoked resin a few times since Day 1, my habits are drastically improved. In my past life, I came home at 11:30pm and sat down in front of the computer and I smoked until sun up. Then I would wake and bake before work the next day. About 7 hours of the day is what I was averaging sober before. I am making progress, even if I’ve fucked up and indulged some. I just have to have a stricter resolve.

I have to remember that my discomfort is TEMPORARY. IT WILL PASS.


Steve Carell is known as a funny guy, but he has some excellent romantic roles in him as well. My hubby and I just watched;

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He had some fucking killer lines. My heart broke for them. Some of my favorite lines-

Image result for seeking a friend for the end of the world quotesPenny: I wish I’d met you a long time ago. When we were kids.

Dodge: It couldn’t have happened any other way. It had to happen now.

Penny: But it isn’t enough time.

Dodge: It never would have been.

Penny: I’m scared.

Dodge: I… am madly in love with you, Penny. You’re my favorite, favorite thing.

Penny: I thought that somehow we’d save each other.

Dodge: We did. Penny. I’m really glad I got to know you.

Life of Recovery? Not so much.

ONE DAY AT A TIME WISDOM
Reminder of the Day from Al-Anon book

Sometimes when we hear of our loved one “falling off the wagon” or having a “slip,” we admit that we’re angry at the person themselves. We’re mad at them for wasting our time and how they make us feel—

That’s the trick, not letting this person and their addiction have power over you. Even as the addict experiences a relapse, you must remind yourself that you yourself are not faultless. Sometimes even I stray from what I know is good for me, and choose to do harmful things to myself out of wrecklessness. I have to realize my relapse is just as involuntary and forgivable as theirs is.

How do you think?

You Think Creatively

Your brain works best when you let your intuition be your guide. You like to imagine, speculate, and fantasize. You have fun playing with ideas.

You are interested in theories. You enjoy studying and developing them.

You are drawn toward art and philosophy, and sometimes even math. Almost every subject is interesting to you.

Speaking of which, I did experience my own relapse if kinds. Every couple of weeks, I start to doubt myself and think to myself that I’m tired of weed, sick of needing it. I tell myself half heartedly that I am going to try and quit. The last 5-6 days, I haven’t had any and the result is I am a not very care-free or nice. I’m sullen and moody. I can barely tolerate myself, hate being in my own skin.

I can’t blame my mom for trying to avoid the same feelings; for wanting to avoid facing reality. We do the same thing, just on different scales and I am realizing that as I spark up for the first time in what feels like ages. It’s amazing how much more bearable I find myself, and it was weird, I started looking up research on line for marijuana addiction/anonymous groups and found some information that caught my eye:

Symptoms of withdrawal:
More frequent dreams
Irritability
Anxiousness
Depression
Moodiness

Usually these feelings can persist up to 3 months since marijuana is stored in your body’s fat calls and therefore takes longer to detoxify from.

I was like BULL SHIT. I knew right then and there that quitting wasn’t for me. Jake even said to me, “You’re just not ready yet to quit yet, babe.” Because I was explaining to him my wanting to crawl the walls feeling and how anxious and upset I was. He said regretably that it’s normal for it to suck at least as long as the website said :(((( I couldn’t stand it, 5 days was bad enough. I don’t even like my after 5 days without it. My father used to tell my mother,

“Beg, borrow, or steal, I don’t care what you do,
but I don’t want to talk to you without it.”

I guess I’m the same way. More like her than I like to admit.