Remembering your past self

It’s not always good. I generally stay away from facebook and never post on it, because I gave up all my friends and their goings on. But today I found myself taking a moment to browse through my friends old pictures and saw all our high school days. I was transported back in time, and that’s been happening some lately.

Playlist of songs that reminded me of those times:

When the election was going on, here in Oklahoma we got to vote on how alcohol/liquor is handled in the state. We’re a dry state and you can only buy 2.5% beer in stores. You have to go to liquor stores to get your stronger beer, liquor, and wine. We had a bill that was going to level the playing field and make liquor and wine available in normal stores like grocery stores.

It was weird, but I felt my heart twisting in my chest at the thought of all the struggling wives that would have to deal with the change. When I was with Joshua, I used to literally run to prevent him from entering liquor stores. Now, imagine, every single place you walk in there is danger. The alcoholic has so much more access, and the misery increases with the access. It’s already a problem, homeless people being able to get even more access as well???? I felt such compassion and empathy towards any person fool enough to deal with an alcoholic anymore.

I gave up on mine. He made me miserable. (Reference Tracy Chapman songs) I had to tell him good bye. He was sucking the life out of me, and breaking my heart. When I look back on my past, I want to slap my 22 year old self around a little and shake her, “What the frig were you thinking?” I knew it then, that my love was irrational, but I felt it so deep. (Reference laid & “it’s not easy loving you”) Our brokenness fit together. I took like a fish to water when I was introduced to alcoholism.

Nowadays on Hulu, I’ve been seeing some advertisements for a lady who is a nanny to these rich kids. She’s in charge of them and a drunk, and America is meant to think that’s hilarious- seeing her slide down the handrail and drunkenly splayed on the ground. They must not know what it is like to bodily restrain your lover when they are wildly thrashing around and making a horrible disturbance in the middle of the night, waking everyone up. After you feel such disgust for a person, it’s hard to feel respect and love. A resentment starts to grow, and it’s only a matter of time before you see them for the burden they truly are.

At my hotel, there is a girl who delivers pizza on a regular basis. She works at the pizzaeria that I introduced her to all those years ago. She’s a fragment of my past that gets through, and when I see her I’m reminded how artistic and bold I used to be, but also how messed up.

I used to drink myself to excess. This girl has dragged my head out of the toilet many times. She’s still graceful and nice about it, and has always been a great acquaintance to have. When I was younger and she was my friend, Joshua and I drank with her all the time. We smoked and got fucked up and painted on her walls (because she was fun and invited us to). She had bon fires and I would puke on the side of her house.

I see the commercials for the lady nanny who’s drunk all the time and I wonder to myself, “Why did I think that was fun?” I wasn’t having fun.

I was being irresponsible, trying to leave myself behind. Trying to forget myself. I hated myself, had problems in my life, and wanted to forget about them for awhile sometimes. Sometimes, a lot. (Reference Tove Lo songs) I can remember almost every boyfriend I’ve ever had having to take care of me when I had drank too much.

I still drink too much when I do drink, but I only drink every once in a blue moon. I never drink alone or in secret anymore. I used to engineer entire plots and stories to devise ways so that I could go drinking with my coworkers after work. I used to be notorious for my skills in deception, and me and my friends had fun despite Jake’s attempts to stop me. I did what I wanted anyway, until I wised up one day.

Jacob changed my life. I figured he really meant it. He really meant he’d had enough, and he would not ever let me drink away from him. He needed me to give it up, and I didn’t know it, but I needed to do it for myself, too. I did, after I realized all the beer was doing was fucking up mu stomach anyway and getting me in a shit ton of trouble. I gave it up, so I could have a happy relationship.

Now I never drink, and always smoke. 😎

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Ladies Night Out at Wine & Palette OKC

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imageIt was a smashing experience!! Great fun, watered down drinks so I didn’t get drunk or anything. Being surrounded by and involved in so much art felt very therapeutic and fun to me. The girls suggested we start going every month, and wouldn’t that be great?

 

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Alisha’s favorite was of course Aladdin from Disney.

 

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~*~ Gettin’ My Drink On ~*~

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It all would have been a really great night out if I didn’t have sour face Jake there to pick me up at the end of the night. I tell you I can’t win with that man. I do duplicitous things behind his back and he finds out and gets mad. I decide to own up and be honest before I am going to do something he’ll dislike, and he still gets royally pissed. He was mad that night and didn’t speak to me for like 3 hours, stewing in his anger. He was upset because he believes in a pact where I won’t drink if he’s not around. He’s worried I’ll get drunk and lose my inhibitions. Damn fool, doesn’t he realize with this ring on my finger he will not be getting rid of me quite so easily?!?!?!

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Self Loathing in OKC

It was my last day, and it was horrific, heading out of there. I didn’t do anything that I was supposed to do and just breezed by, spending my time with Linda. I came home feeling crazy and weird and full of regret. What the fuck am I supposed to do though, I hate to leave but can’t bear to stay….

Came home and started drinking immediately, see you on the other side.

If you stay here too long, you’ll go mad.

I had a very nice day today. Perhaps it was the change in scenery, but having Monica switch to the PM shift was quite pleasant. She is a sweet, nice, and pleasant person. I enjoy her blond visage and the kind way her eyes wrinkle at the corners when she smiles. I like having positive, nice people hanging around. I like my PM shift, I think I do an adequate job. I rarely disappear from the desk, and if I am gone it’s never for too long. I have unreliable cell service though, let me tell you what a bitch that is. There was a period of 3 days my loved ones were trying to reach me, and they were not able to because my phone wasn’t receiving texts or calls. I saw no indication they tried to call. And almost everytime I go to send a text or make a call, my phone says I’m outside the mobile area. I have a wal-mart phone, and it sucks ass. Do not get one!

Next item on the agenda;

I have been on again off again about the notion of getting a therapist again. I don’t think that my old one is interested any longer. Meaning I have to find a new one, and that’s always a chore- deciding on a new therapist. I always ask myself why I am seeking help and what I am looking to find after the why I purposely prevented myself from going the first time around. I used to pay my old therapist because I wanted to hear some older, kind lady say nice things about me and see me for the yearning for approval and guidance girl that I am. I wanted someone maternal whom I could divulge my deepest thoughts and desires to, someone I could trust to help me examine myself, help me to see who I really am and what I should really be doing.

And lately, I have been shunning the concept. I have turned my back on anyone’s guidance. I listen to Jake against my will. What would happen if I truly heeded the warning bells in the back of my skull, the ones ringing with a ferocious need for me to free myself and break free, and be what??? A lost girl all alone, confused, giving herself to the wrong people. I stay with the devil I know, instead of going out to seek a new one. Am I weak, or simply wise?

What I mean by shunning the concept is it’s been nary a month since my last transgression, and I am already stirring the pot again. Everyone wants to hang out with me after work, and I became the topic of discussion this evening with my co-workers. They were talking about how bummerific it must be to be with someone who won’t let you drink, and I explained that I was just being supportive and honoring his wishes. I don’t drink, I said. I don’t drink because he doesn’t want me to drink. He used to have a problem, and he doesn’t like stupid, drunk people anyway because he’s liable to get in a fight with one of them and disturb all the peace he has tried so hard to painstakingly cultivate in his corner of the universe. You have to respect the man for doing what he believes and having values he doesn’t believe should be violated. He has found the formula for problems, and they include alcohol a lot of the time.

Alcohol has done much to wreck the things I love, too. Yet I still persist in almost getting my ass thrown out of my home by trying to mingle with everyone else. It makes me feel so awkward that they all ask and I have to turn them down. They don’t understand I’m only out of my cage for awhile, I have to return. The giant won’t stand for me to keep him waiting one minute, let alone thirty. He can’t stand the idea of someone else giving me pleasure or consuming any of my time, even if it is just for a small drink after work and an innocent, platonic conversation.

It was also weird not too many nights ago. I have learned that Elizabeth is going through a tough time. She was on my mind somehow, I guess, and Jake and I got to talking about her in some way. He looked at my knowingly and the look on my face betrayed me when he told me, “I know how you feel about her. You cried all night that one night you couldn’t see her.” I guess it doesn’t take a fool to realize when you examine the facts. I always have to remind myself she was the one who left. And when she comes back, and he doesn’t allow me to see her, I do hate her being home. I hate that I stay away from her because he’ll make me miserable if I do. He never touches me, he just torments me mentally. He makes me feel lower than dirt, smaller than a maggot, unfit to kiss his feet and beg for mercy. I prostrate myself before him and become completely undone, he rips me apart and shows the pieces to me, asking them why they’re not perfect, why can’t you just never do anything for yourself and only for me? He wants me to act unselfishly, to never stray from his side.

And I have trouble doing that. I just wish he’d see he could afford to have a happy, well-rounded woman on his hands. I could be happier, less depressed, if he would let me have social interactions. But instead, I remain caged here in my comfortable nest where he lets me be a slob. I stew in my unhappiness, and can’t find enough energy to get myself out the door. I don’t pick up the phone to call my friends and seek them out because I’m ashamed of how things are, and explaining the way I am standing in the cage gets so tiresome and horrible. I’d rather not bother. So I sit at home alone, lonely.

How YOU doing?

When it comes to how I am lately, you’ll recall when we spoke last I was bobbing head barely above water. It would appear that since then, I fell back into a deep, dark abyss and have been dwelling there on the bottom for some time now without really being aware.

I have been able to shed some light on the situation I was going through. I have started practicing self awareness again the last few days. Finding myself again, having presence of mind. I had been neglecting myself for weeks. I had been on auto-pilot. I got up everyday, got ready for work, and went to go endure some high school girl drama bullcrap with my fellow female associates. Frequently when I arrive to work, the first thing done is for Veronica to come and pluck me by my sleeve away from the desk, or into an office with a closed door so that she can whisper her complaints about Jackie to me. And I am no fool, I am aware those two girls talk about me behind my back. It’s impossible, and work has become an uncomfortable environment for me.

There is unrest in the ranks. Jackie talks like she’s nice to me, and she absolutely hates Veronica. They started out as buds against me. Now I don’t know who I would rather miss. Jackie is very obviously unhappy and wants to go back to HR but there is no position for her anymore. Veronica went and did what I have secretly desired to go & do, and she had an interview at another hotel. (It didn’t go well, I already know the outcome.) I could do the same and give in to these two weak ass bitches, but I know I can outlast them. It’s just gonna be a merry, fucked-up time until one or both of these other two girls decide to leave and I’ll simply have to ride it out. Have patience, persevere. Do the best that I can, that’s all anyone can ask.

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Blonde on left: Miranda, girl on right; Whitney ❤

As if work is not stressful enough, I also have stress in my home life. And by stress, I mean that Jacob caught me going out to bars again. I went to the bar after work with my friend Whitney and once again with Miranda, my co-worker. How do I feel about my “transgressions”? Were they worth all the trouble that I am in? Absolutely not. I made a mistake by thinking I could get away with being a normal girl who has friends. I could have hung out with the two girls without alcohol being involved… but I decided that was lame. Simple as that. I was the one who wanted to include alcohol, and if only I would have deleted some pictures I would have gotten away with my indiscretion. It’s a good thing I didn’t, I guess.

Jake and I’s relationship is being tested again. He has to have it in his heart to forgive me for lying about my whereabouts. I know that I should not lie. I should not have lied to Jake. I have damaged his tentative trust in me once again. But he needs to learn to relax a little, I obviously love the fuck outta that idiot. He needn’t be so insecure, I am not looking for booty elsewhere. His worst fear is that I am having sex with someone else, and I most assuredly am not. I have had no interest in sex lately at all. But besides the point, I have been completely besotted with Jake as of late. (Before I fucked up, things were super great b/w us and he was trusting me when I came home late.) Now, I have made it where if I am 15 minutes later than midnight, then I’m fucked. It means I’m doing wrong, out and about. He has a tendency to lose his head about imagining I am doing horrible things, when really I am sitting at a desk in my office writing an e-mail at the end of the night. Jesus, calm down a little.

Before my debacle, I was considering marrying Jake. I was dropping hints left and right to him that I wanted him to propose to me, and now he never will. He is severely disappointed in me for lying to him and going to a bar. Jake takes alcohol so seriously. He can’t stand the idea of me drinking because he knows that means he’ll have to leave me. Jake has rigid standards and if I fail to adhere to them, he will not hesitate to cut another harmful influence from his life. If I do things to hurt Jake, then I’m not valuable. That makes sense. He doesn’t want to marry me if that is a risk, so I will have to show him it is not. I need more self-discipline.

I have to practice self awareness again. I have taken to studying my Buddhist Dharma cards again. I’m keeping a visual journal of my experience. I am trying to bring my sense of self back to me once more. I’ve been ignoring myself, ignoring how sad and down and out I have been lately. Nothing will change if you don’t first.

I’ve been needing help from my therapist lately, only I wouldn’t call her mine anymore. It has been so long since I went, and I miss it sorely. I really wish that I could go and see her again, but I have been ignoring myself and making excuses why I cannot go. I can go, I just don’t want to dedicate my time, effort, and $$$. I am being lazy. My mind is dull, unused here lately. I’ve been mentally checked out. I’ve been on rinse and repeat. Get up and do the same thing everyday. Work, come home, smoke and watch a buttload of Netflix. Struggle to have sex, go to bed. Get up and do it all over again.

I’m going to change that by paying more attention to myself and my actions. I don’t want to sit like a bump on a log all the time anymore and devote all my time to the internet. So lately, I have been doing a lot of collage works and working on the book This Is Not A Book by Kerri Smith. It is totally letting out some of my artistic inclinations and helping me to express myself. The dharma cards really help, too.

I’m just trying to repent for my actions with Jake. I can expect things to be hellacious for a few weeks to come. He gets really riled up when he thinks about me coveting other men, and he feels insecure frequently to always be bringing it up. I myself never understood why it was so unforgivable to be a liar, since I grew up in the presence of liars. I always understood people have their reasons for lying. I never questioned that, I guess it was a moral gray area I got comfortable in. I’ve learned to examine why someone felt the need to lie rather than getting mad automatically that they were. I can choose to get mad, or I can try to understand and get on with my day. Getting mad isn’t useful to anyone. Understanding, patience, compassion are the things I think that matter and I am going to need a lot of them for my future. I will have to let all y’all folks know how I do, I’ll check back in eventually. . . . .

To drink or not to drink

My hubby and I recently had a big fight. I did something stupid and rebellious and got drunk all alone one night. Most people think it is a bad sign if you drink in secret alone. To me, it was just a Thursday night. Sometimes shit happens. I drank too much beer too fast and my stomach jettisoned its contents in response. (All over the freshly painted white wall and the floor, as it happens…. I didn’t make it to the trash can, not even a feet from the gruesome sight.)

My lover came home, like, the moment it happened. No sooner had I freshly puked on the floor, I heard the tell-tale beep of the house alarm that heralds his arrival. I was so disoriented, I was drunkenly snapped to reality, and plopped on the bed stupidly to hear all about how stupid what I did was. Jake suggested maybe I should go live with my mother, and at first, I started to agree.

We went so far as to pack 10 bags of my things, nearly everything. He was most gracious in helping me pack my things and kept throwing in things of his own, acting kind and good and nonchalant. He said he’d miss me, but he could be alone again. (Why are more men saying this about/around me?) He followed me into the bathroom where my vision swam with tears. I was crying so hard the entire time we packed our bookshelves and graciously offered each other items around the house. Jake was going to help me take all my shit and leave.

But in that bathroom, by myself while he busied himself in our bedroom, I started to panic. M I S T A K E, my mind screamed. My mind cut to a picture of my slovenly mother sitting all alone in her B.O. living room chair, and I said to myself, “Why take her advice on anything? I’ll just end up like her if I’m as rigid and strident like a ruler.” I recoil at the thought. We should be partners, lovers… equals, not sidekicks or not. Decide now, are you interested in him or not??? (Yes I Am) We can turn this stuff around.

I thought about what it would mean to leave Jake, and I decided I absolutely could not afford to lose him. I had the chance to leave, but I chose to stay. I asked him if I could stay. I have a special feeling towards him and I do not want to leave him just yet. I still want to prove I can do this thing, I can maintain a relationship and not be an unhealthy, selfishly fucked up girl-child woman thing. I want to inspire the best in my partner, not the worst lazy habits we’re both prone to.

I have to agree not to touch alcohol any longer. Before, I said I would with no intention of following up. But this time, after getting sick again when I told myself I wouldn’t do that anymore, I feel inclined to agree to his terms. Although I have craved the single lifestyle as of late, when I thought about losing Jake, I decided the bar scene and drinking behind Jake’s back was not worth all the trouble it was causing. The booze is not worth more than Jake. I can still hold on a little while longer. I can re-commit myself, I know I can. I know how to be passionate and dedicated, I will try to be a better good woman. For Him. Because he deserves her.