Hello All ^__^
I have been doing strangely lately, so nice of you to ask, and yourself?
I have been ignoring some things in my life for awhile. Jake wonders if going to a therapist is really so good for me, what with me acting a wreck when I get home (according to him). I reason though that of course you’re going to be emotional and on edge when you’re finally facing things you haven’t been able to admit to yourself or think about head on.
It’s been a very long time since I last saw my therapist, and I have gobs to talk about this next Monday. I’ll just fill you in a couple of little details. My boyfriend and I have been fighting on and off just like always, and he is always keen to point out discrepancies in my behavior that to him are glaring red beacons of shame and wrongness on my part. He says he never says he thinks I’m cheating, but he is just so darn jealous. I am coming to see the eye of the storm, the heart of the matter, and he denies my point of view. Which is; He is not necessarily thinking I am disloyal, he is just mired down in self doubt and poor self esteem. I don’t think he thinks he deserves me, which makes us a perfect pair, because I don’t think I deserve him either.
We had a more personal trouble as of late, too. I won’t bring it to light here, suffice it to say it has forced me to consider our relationship from another perspective. I still love and trust him deeply. I still even think about marrying him, as crazy as others may think me. He is a good man, and I know that in my bones. Maybe I won’t always be happy, but I’ll be cared for. Our sex life is also a very satisfying aspect of our relationship. It’s frequent and phenomenal, and call us selfish but we have been seeking to improve our sex life even more. As such, I have come to the decision to procure birth control on our behalf.
I decided to go with the Nuva Ring because I am too forgetful to take a pill everyday. Plus, the pills are a higher dose of hormones and that is exactly what I do not need. On top of the pressure to stop smoking, I also have to deal with haywire emotions? No thanks! The Nuva Ring is the same estrogen and hormones, just a lower dosage and I feel relieved I only have to think about it as often as my period. I wasn’t willing to get an IUD or take the shots (WHICH DECREASE BONE DENSITY AND CAN ONLY BE USED ABOUT 3 YRS, FYI) and so I am interested to see what kind of changes my body will feel as a result. I know me and my boyfriend are both counting down the days until it’s safe for us to have sex the way we really want.
I went to Planned Parenthood to get the birth control. It was a busy day for the clinic and I actually was not seen until almost an hour after the time of my appointment. My boyfriend thought it was much too much time, and I gotta say I agreed as I sat there dangling my legs, looking at a magazine all by my lonesome. I could hear the woman next door mumbling answers through the vent in the wall, and I pondered the questions the brusque nurse had troubled to ask me. All my dirty answers, yes we use the pull out method, no I don’t recommend it to others, but that’s what works for me right now. Safe sex would be better sex, which is why I am now on birth control.
In other news, I see a work opportunity shining on the horizon. My girlfriend Sara called me the other day to inform me her manager, our ex mutual manager, wanted me at his property. He pretty much offered me the front desk manager position when I went to visit him for a smoke break today, in an informal way. I asked if he thought I had what it took to be the manager, and he laughed easily, stating of course I did. That made me feel good. That made me feel more confident. I am a good business woman, I can do good for the sake of others. I can manage other individuals, I can do paper work and put in long hours. I have the dedication and the passion for the job, and I can be a leader. People will have to do what I say now.
The A Loft hotel is a modern affair and youngsters work the front desk. It is not as professional and stuffy as the Marriott brand from what I have heard. I would be able to wear sexy business suits and work blazers and skirts, and look awesome. I could wear necklaces and earrings and bracelets, have long hair, put in long hours, go to business meetings. I can work the hours that my lazy employees desert me, I can live up to Blake’s expectations. I see myself wandering the hotel, checking into things, minding my lists, helping the guests and employees, HAVING MY OWN OFFICE. I could sit behind my desk, keep drawings and lists and performance evaluations and manuals in drawers with little tabbies. I’d have pictures on my desk and on my wall, nick nacks on my shelves. Designated boxes for completed and uncompleted work projects and forms. I could delegate tasks to my employees, check people in as needed, deal with an angry guest.
This could be the power play I’ve been looking for. This could be something that would make me exhausted but fulfilled and happy. But on the other hand, it may make me miserable and they may work me to death. I have this sneaking suspicion that Jake would not approve of the choice, and I would have to leave him in order to have this life and I must say the idea is incredibly daunting. I do not wish to leave Jake, I love him dearly, but I suspect he doesn’t want what’s best for me. I suspect he will hold me back from personal success so that I won’t feel too good and want to leave him. I’m afraid he won’t want me to give it a chance and he’ll try to talk me down and change my mind, so I’ve kept these recent developments from him until I can get a better feel for the property and responsibilities. I think I am about 65% convinced that this sounds like a good idea, but I just don’t know yet. Here’s hoping for the best….
Until Next Time,