Ode to a Mean Girl & 13 Reasons Why

Sometimes 40. Maybe 50.:

Work has been improving greatly for me. I was able to hire someone new and she is quite a gem thus far. I’ve been able to step back into my managerial role again and it’s been quite the distinction. Instead of running everything at the desk and getting frazzled, realizing I don’t have enough time to get everything done, now I can relax and let her do check ins. I can get things done, I am not all on my own. That’s been one positive change.

The other new improvement is my new boss. I enjoy working with Rebecca a lot. She is very efficient and her experience as a manager shows in the way she handles herself. She doesn’t know everything about the front desk but she is a quick learner. We’ve been getting along so far.

I think I’ve made a solid first impression. I asked to train the new hire, and I take on a lot of projects. Yet she has successfully taken a lot of pressure off my shoulders and a lot of work from my hands, something her predecessor failed to do. It’s refreshing to have someone who can concentrate well enough to get the job done. I regret that I do not qualify for that level of togetherness yet. I strive to achieve that someday, though. I’m just not there yet.

Image result for not where i need to be

Another positive thing I noticed around work is actually thanks to 13 Reasons Why. We have an employee who is notoriously rude and demeaning that we all have to endure everyday. We all mess up to her, it’s just a matter of degree if you’re going to get bitched out or not. During my time at this job, my department held a one-hour long meeting in which every member of the team experienced her heinous behavior and on multiple occasions. They had numerous examples to present to our general manager. Everyone shared their experiences and we had a shout-out to Mean Girls by everyone saying this about that individual.

Image result for victimized by regina george

She watched 13 Reasons Why because it is so popular. I was discussing her with another coworker, when the co-worker (who knows her better) mentioned that she never looked at things the way it looks from the victim’s standpoint. She apparently said she had no idea the impact she had on other people.

Image result for i don't mean to be rude but i'm about to be

Miraculously, she has improved her behavior. (I hope not temporarily.) She has been offering assistance without being tongue in cheek like she has in the past. She is helpful with no ulterior motive. I was shocked the other day when she offered to watch the desk for me while I went to get my lunch. It was unheard of, basically. I’ve noticed her improvements, and wonder if I should comment, but I’m afraid it’ll backfire on me somehow if I congratulate her. Do you think I should say something? Would you?

Image result for i'm not there yet but thank goodness i'm not where i was

Get to Know Me Survey

  • What does your ideal day look like?
    Image result for reading
    An afternoon spent outdoors, reading a book with nowhere to be.
  • What did you want to be when you were younger? A writer, songwriter. When I was really young I wanted to be a singer like Selena 😛
  • Who are you most inspired by? Why? I am inspired by my husband and his pragmatic view on life, and his loving nature. He’s went through a lot but he still helps those who are less fortunate.
  • Who would you love to meet? What would you ask? Harriett Tubman. I would just want to hear more about her experience working for the Union during the Civil War.
  • What habit would you most like to break? What habit would you most like to start?
    Image result for zumba
    Smoking would be a good habit to kick for my health. I would like to someday be the type of person who gets exhilarated at the thought of working out. (Currently, that is the not the case.)
  • Think of a person you truly admire. What qualities do you like about that person? In my career, I have found myself thinking of my previous boss Latta lately. I want to be as good at my job as he was. He was a very supportive and cool boss. He got to know you, talked and joked with you, and bought you lunches- sent you on runs when you got stressed and needed to get away. More than anything, he trained you to do your job well so his would be less of a headache. He was an empathetic leader, rather than boss.Image result for leader boss
  • How do you like to relax? Relaxing with soft music and candlelight in the bathtub
  • When was the last time you did something you were afraid of? It was in my career. The last thing I was afraid to do was apply for the front office manager position a few months back. I was terrified because I didn’t really want all the stress that went with all the responsibilities. It worked out for me, because I didn’t get the position. My manager did not feel I was ready, and I hated to agree with her.
  • What are you most proud of? I am proud that my life doesn’t revolve around alcohol and getting fucked up, forgetting myself, anymore. I have moved past that urge and stage of my life, all because of my husband.
    martinezweddingfinal-24
  • What are you most afraid of? Probably being raped, or held up at gunpoint or a scenario where both of these events are likely i.e. the apocalypse or zombies
  • If life stopped today, what would you regret not doing? I would die regretting how things have become between my mother and my self. I can (and am) write a novel about the sorrow and disappointments that we’ve had together.
  • Who would you like to connect (or reconnect) with? Why? I miss my Grandpa. He has always supported me and loved me, even if he doesn’t know me that well. It’s not anyone’s fault, we’re both just busy and the whole family has fallen apart since Granny died.
  • What qualities do you admire in others? Creativity, quirkiness, outgoing behavior
  • What practical skills do you wish you had? I wish that I could master basic cooking and/or baking. Skills in the kitchen would be nice. I would also like to know how to clean and cook fish properly but never done that before.
    Image result for gordon ramsay cooking
  • Imagine you’re in your 90s. What memories would you like to have? What stories do you want to tell? I would tell about the enormously successful life I’d had as a published author and screenwriter and all the money I earned; the nice house I lived in with all my foster children and loving husband.
  • What is your favorite book/movie/song? Why?
    Related image
    My favorite book in the entire world is Gone with the Wind. I am rereading it for the 8th year in a row as I do traditionally. These two characters were made for each other in a way that no other two people have ever been. The world that Mitchell created is so immersive and well-crafted. I loved how the characters went so well together and I absolutely loved the character of Melanie Wilkes. She reminded me of my grandma; a great lady. The way that Scarlett changed as the world changed around her was very gripping and hard to put down.
  • If you could make one change in the world, what would it be? I would take down Mcdonalds/discourage widespread commercialism for fast food restaurants/make America slimmer & healthier/make healthy food popular, fast, and easy to get
  • What do you love to do for, or give to others (not an object – something from you personally)? I like to give compliments to people.
    Image result for see beauty speak it
  • What excites you? Art and writing; geeky TV shows
  • What do you wish you did more of? I wish that I worked out more, and worked on my art/collages more often. I am much more creative than I have acted lately.
  • Pretend money is no object. What would you do? Buy a new house and hire a professional decorator to do the house. Build a tree house in the backyard. Get a bitchin’ car. Pay for my mother’s rehab. See a therapist regularly.
  • What area of your life, right now, makes you feel the best? The best section of my life right now is my marriage. My career has been in a rut, and my family life is dismal.
  • Which area makes you feel the worst? Why? The family life is bad, and it’s bad because none of us are putting in any effort. We never try to see each other anymore. We’re all “busy” and we don’t know each other anymore. Splintered, apart. Sad.
  • Let’s jump forward a year. What would you like to have achieved in the past year? I would like to secure a better paying job and tweak my career some. I am open to new avenues and exploring different options. I’d like to have a job that was monday through friday, sitting at a desk somewhere. Making a lot more money, sitting comfy. I want to have gotten rid of a substantial amount of our shared debt.
  • What piece of advice would you give to five year old you? Sixteen year old you? Twenty-one year old you? Right now?
    Five: “Don’t let everyone push you around, you deserve your own opinions just like anyone else.”
    Sixteen: “When Granny goes into surgery, spend more time with your mother. She’s scared and anxious and she just needs you around. Be more patient; go with her to the shops when she goes to look at plants. It doesn’t matter that you hate plants and find it boring. Don’t be an asshole and sit in the car reading manga ignoring her. She needs you, you’re going to be her only person. It feels weird and tense right now, but your rocky relationship with your mother is only going to get worse. She’s going to fail you someday, and you should concentrate on trying not to be so disappointed when it happens. Be strong.”
    Twenty-one: “You’re doing you, just fine! You’re going to look back on these days fondly. But for heaven’s fucking sake, when Joshua comes into your life with his poetry and artistic streak, don’t be tempted. He will ruin you, and there’s nothing beautiful about it. Don’t risk yourself on him. Get back together with Hakim immediately when he asks.” (A Great Regret of My Life)
    Now: “You need to care more about yourself, try harder. It takes effort to maintain a positive attitude, but you can’t afford to let your depression overwhelm you and take control of your life. You’re not your best when you’re depressed, so fight it. Pay attention. Be mindful.”
  • How do you want to be remembered in life? Someday, I want to be the kind of Mom my Granny was to me. I want to love some little light with all my might. I want to love them, praise them, and turn a blind eye to all their faults. I will build them up, make them loved and supported. I want to be the kind of mom that doesn’t have to scold you, the look of disappointment on her face is enough to make you feel ashamed. I want to raise good kids, whether they are my own or not. I just want to share my love and make the world a better place by raising children to be empathetic, kind adults.

Time to Make a Change

Image result for change job

The last time I posted, I was very dissatisfied with things going on at work. I am still upset at this point, and for more reasons than one.

My enthusiasm for my work is gone. I’ve been very fed up with the lack of staff. I don’t particularly like the people I work with. I know it would make me happier to work somewhere that is managed better. The managers at my current job are just not well-enough equipped to do their jobs. There are so many tasks and standards to adhere to, and not enough hands or time.

Things seem to be going south. Further and further. My boss just gave her two weeks notice, for health reasons. I am not looking forward to the interim period where they are trying to hire for her position, because…. yes, I have determined I am not interested in it.

The hours are undesirable. The work load is undesirable. The responsibility of covering shifts that are missed by co-workers are too frequent/taxing. I am quite unenthused with needy guests lately. I’ve been stressed out to the maximum, and resenting the way things are being handled. The attention to detail is annoying. I am tired of management, actually. It pains me to admit that.

At least for a while, I might possibly need a break. As I was anguishing over my career and life in general, I decided to call someone wise for advice. Talking to Jake is good because he is supportive but he doesn’t always understand where I am coming from. I decided to give my Grandpa a call, and I laid it all out on the line for his consideration:

Image result for change job

I have been considering changing career paths. It’s been really distressing to me admitting to myself that I don’t have what it takes to properly do the front office manager job. I found myself explaining to Grandpa that I was not able to adhere to the standard I hold for myself in the job, and that’s true because I have high expectations. It was very comforting talking to my Grandpa, because just when I really think I’m being stupid, he has a way of making me sound really smart.

He says it’s good to recognize your own limits. It’s only giving up if you choose to view it that way. He says I’m making a conscious decision to better adjust myself. Just because I don’t have the maturity and organizational skills to manage the job now, doesn’t mean that I won’t be wonderful at it years from now. Exploring a new career path does not mean that I can never go back into the hospitality career.

I thought a career change might be nice because it would be a whole new way of life. All the jobs I have applied to have been during normal working hours, day time hours. It would be a radical change for me, and who knows if it would make me happier?

I’ve been stuck wondering if I just need some anxiety or depression pills to make me better, or do I need a whole new everything?????

I’m going to try the whole new everything.

 

On Contemplating One’s Career

Image result for life crushing me

Life has admittedly been pretty rocky for me lately. I have been having trouble focusing. I’ve been suffering from intense social anxiety and depression. As I’ve mentioned before, I still get irritated when I have to talk to anyone for any length of time. I couldn’t bear to leave the house, get dressed and go somewhere yesterday. Some days I can barely rip myself out of bed. I crave sleep, blessed unconsciousness where I can, if only temporarily, put all these somber thoughts on hold.

Image result for what you focus on grows

I did start things in the right direction this time. I have an appointment to get my birth control removed!! YIPPEE!!!!!!! #hatenexplanon #hatebc #hatebirthcontrol #hatersgonnahate #bcsucks #hormonalbirthcontrol #nothnx

Lately at work I notice that I focus on the negative all the time. I feel like I don’t know what my manager’s expectations are like for me, and I feel lost & floundering. I hate myself because I feel like I am doing a bad job, and I am. Things have been slipping through the cracks because I haven’t had the energy to care lately. My mind has been too frazzled and I get disappointed in myself because I really WASN’T ready for the job. I have only proven myself right. It SUCKS. I feel like a FAILURE.

It sucks to finally realize the end goal of your career, and find out you absolutely fucking hate the shit out of that role. I feel constantly STRESSED and there WAY TOO MANY TASKS. I know I am not being a crybaby, it is a tiresome position. The turnover rate is high for the salaried, managerial position in my industry.

I can’t wait to have this load dumped off my hands. I know I look like an employee without ambition. Because honestly, it’s like my preferences are changing with my age in a way. My brain equilibrium is off so I can’t concentrate enough to do the role and the many demanding tasks that are required. I’m not there yet, just like my GM and I discussed.

Honestly with my social anxiety, I find myself longing for a night time position somewhere. Jacob is going to be working overnight. I also enjoy the night hours, and I enjoy even more the silence of slumbering guests. There’s hardly any bullshit on the night shift, except for when there is. But that’s rare enough…

The only thing is with that position I more than likely will have to take a pay cut. A year ago, I took a pay cut to take this job where I am now. That would be down trending which I find very difficult to give myself permission to do. Yeah, the hours and less people might make me happy, but it’s not good for Jake and I as a family. We have debts we have to take care of, and I won’t be doing us any favors by lessening our monthly income. Urgh.

Your Job Satisfaction Level: 47%

Your job is about average. There are some parts you really enjoy, and some parts that stress you out.

It’s possible that you need a small change. Maybe you should switch companies or positions.

It’s also possible that you’re simply burned out. No job is perfect, even a great one.

Give yourself a personal day to think about your career goals – and if your current job is helping you achieve them.

The dilemma I find myself in… I find myself asking myself;

Do I hate…

A) my co-workers?
B) my job? Or
C) just that I have to work period?

I suspect all of the above.

Boom Goes the Bomb!


My boss recently called me into his office to tell me some news. It started out kind of light, a little joking, and then he segued into the poor performances around the office lately. Before I knew it, he was confessing to me that he’s leaving!!!!

O.O As if that’s not distressing enough, he said to me, “Of course I’ll be backing you for the position.” O_O Honestly, I’m sitting pretty right now being an hourly employee and in the hotel industry going salary is pretty much the kiss of death D: :((((( SO NOT HAPPY!!!!

My first thoughts:

  • I don’t really want the position
  • There are so many more responsibilities
  • Before when our department performed poorly, he got yelled at and now it will be me :((((
  • I will have to become an adult and start going to work at 7 in the morning and THAT’S NOT ME!!! ARRRRRRGH!!!! (This is what I dread the most, having to switch my PM lifestyle)
  • IT’S A LOT OF STRESS
  • When people don’t show up, I’ll have to cover their shifts :((((
  • I’ll be responsible for firing people
  • I don’t think I’m responsible/reliable enough for the job

I kept all of this to myself, of course. I don’t want them to see me in doubt. I want to appear confident and ready, when really I’m shitting myself. Jake was disappointed in me for not being more excited. I mean, there are reasons to be glad-

  • I’ll be managing my own team
  • I can pick my own assistant to share my workload
  • LOTS MORE $$$
  • Being a front office manager is what I’ve always wanted to be, and the ultimate goal for my hospitality career so I should be happy about that

I’m just increasingly unsure of myself, and don’t think I’m ready. When really, it’s not that I’m not necessarily ready it’s that I CANNOT STAND THE IDEA OF DOING THE AM SHIFTS!!!! UGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH I seriously hate mornings, they can’t make me get up in the mornings I will be useless and I just do not fucking want it at all. If I could stay PM, I would have no problem taking over the position but that seems highly unlikely 😦 Why you gotta fuck shit up boss, now the pressure is on me :((((((

Work Opportunity

Ideas to Make Our Team Stronger and Increase GSS scores

Mood: Inspired & Positive
RWBYface1

Turn Morale Around

  • More front office meetings to make sure everyone is on the same page. Also, seeing everyone altogether where we can feel relaxed enough to ask questions that maybe not everyone knows. We want to make people feel more comfortable, like we’re more of a team. That way perhaps we’ll feel less stressed on a regular base. Avoid more mistakes this way.
  • Make sure assistant managers are being more positive and not burnt out. They have to lead by example, and their negativity can rub off. Perhaps we can accomplish this by shortening some of their days, or getting them 2 days off.
  • Little official front office get-togethers like on the second floor, a moment to slip away and have cupcakes and mix together or something like that, maybe announce important changes or groups at that time. Could be as short as a 1/2 hr to 1 hr maybe once a month/biweekly.

Ensure new employees are properly trained

  • Go over check lists, explain in detail
  • Actually go over the training subject for each day to emphasize brand standards
  • Do more role playing and hypothetical situations for training, that way they can be informally trained in a friendly manner that inspires discourse. Try to ask open ended questions.

More Follow Up

I notice that we do not always make time to follow up with our guests sometimes in a rush. (Front desk primarily) It would improve our scores if we actually followed up with the guest because they appreciate it when we take the time out to make sure their stay is going okay. Some guests recognize the extra effort and take the trouble to mention it later on at check out, etc. So keep up the good work guys, they appreciate it when we do this!

Better communication during busy day

  • I would recommend the use of a comprehensive red book like my previous job had. I thought that was an efficient way to communicate from shift to shift, or nightly reminders.
  • I would also recommend a lost and found log at the back office, since things have been carried off. We need to take better care of our guest items. We could have DTS or MOD in charge of this, if someone needs to put something in lost & found back office storage, they have to go either to go through appropriate channels to log it properly before they can just carelessly throw things in there (or take them out). Have a log with the forms attached to the item and also make sure it is entered in chargerback. This is an issue we have had to deal with frequently, so all the better to put a stop to it. Guests get frustrated when we don’t communicate with them and not return their inquiries, and this isn’t helping our scores.

Birth Control and Other Choices

Hello All ^__^

I have been doing strangely lately, so nice of you to ask, and yourself?

I have been ignoring some things in my life for awhile. Jake wonders if going to a therapist is really so good for me, what with me acting a wreck when I get home (according to him). I reason though that of course you’re going to be emotional and on edge when you’re finally facing things you haven’t been able to admit to yourself or think about head on.

It’s been a very long time since I last saw my therapist, and I have gobs to talk about this next Monday. I’ll just fill you in a couple of little details. My boyfriend and I have been fighting on and off just like always, and he is always keen to point out discrepancies in my behavior that to him are glaring red beacons of shame and wrongness on my part. He says he never says he thinks I’m cheating, but he is just so darn jealous. I am coming to see the eye of the storm, the heart of the matter, and he denies my point of view. Which is; He is not necessarily thinking I am disloyal, he is just mired down in self doubt and poor self esteem. I don’t think he thinks he deserves me, which makes us a perfect pair, because I don’t think I deserve him either.

We had a more personal trouble as of late, too. I won’t bring it to light here, suffice it to say it has forced me to consider our relationship from another perspective. I still love and trust him deeply. I still even think about marrying him, as crazy as others may think me. He is a good man, and I know that in my bones. Maybe I won’t always be happy, but I’ll be cared for. Our sex life is also a very satisfying aspect of our relationship. It’s frequent and phenomenal, and call us selfish but we have been seeking to improve our sex life even more. As such, I have come to the decision to procure birth control on our behalf.

I decided to go with the Nuva Ring because I am too forgetful to take a pill everyday. Plus, the pills are a higher dose of hormones and that is exactly what I do not need. On top of the pressure to stop smoking, I also have to deal with haywire emotions? No thanks! The Nuva Ring is the same estrogen and hormones, just a lower dosage and I feel relieved I only have to think about it as often as my period. I wasn’t willing to get an IUD or take the shots (WHICH DECREASE BONE DENSITY AND CAN ONLY BE USED ABOUT 3 YRS, FYI) and so I am interested to see what kind of changes my body will feel as a result. I know me and my boyfriend are both counting down the days until it’s safe for us to have sex the way we really want.

I went to Planned Parenthood to get the birth control. It was a busy day for the clinic and I actually was not seen until almost an hour after the time of my appointment. My boyfriend thought it was much too much time, and I gotta say I agreed as I sat there dangling my legs, looking at a magazine all by my lonesome. I could hear the woman next door mumbling answers through the vent in the wall, and I pondered the questions the brusque nurse had troubled to ask me. All my dirty answers, yes we use the pull out method, no I don’t recommend it to others, but that’s what works for me right now. Safe sex would be better sex, which is why I am now on birth control.

In other news, I see a work opportunity shining on the horizon. My girlfriend Sara called me the other day to inform me her manager, our ex mutual manager, wanted me at his property. He pretty much offered me the front desk manager position when I went to visit him for a smoke break today, in an informal way. I asked if he thought I had what it took to be the manager, and he laughed easily, stating of course I did. That made me feel good. That made me feel more confident. I am a good business woman, I can do good for the sake of others. I can manage other individuals, I can do paper work and put in long hours. I have the dedication and the passion for the job, and I can be a leader. People will have to do what I say now.

The A Loft hotel is a modern affair and youngsters work the front desk. It is not as professional and stuffy as the Marriott brand from what I have heard. I would be able to wear sexy business suits and work blazers and skirts, and look awesome. I could wear necklaces and earrings and bracelets, have long hair, put in long hours, go to business meetings. I can work the hours that my lazy employees desert me, I can live up to Blake’s expectations. I see myself wandering the hotel, checking into things, minding my lists, helping the guests and employees, HAVING MY OWN OFFICE. I could sit behind my desk, keep drawings and lists and performance evaluations and manuals in drawers with little tabbies. I’d have pictures on my desk and on my wall, nick nacks on my shelves. Designated boxes for completed and uncompleted work projects and forms. I could delegate tasks to my employees, check people in as needed, deal with an angry guest.

This could be the power play I’ve been looking for. This could be something that would make me exhausted but fulfilled and happy. But on the other hand, it may make me miserable and they may work me to death. I have this sneaking suspicion that Jake would not approve of the choice, and I would have to leave him in order to have this life and I must say the idea is incredibly daunting. I do not wish to leave Jake, I love him dearly, but I suspect he doesn’t want what’s best for me. I suspect he will hold me back from personal success so that I won’t feel too good and want to leave him. I’m afraid he won’t want me to give it a chance and he’ll try to talk me down and change my mind, so I’ve kept these recent developments from him until I can get a better feel for the property and responsibilities. I think I am about 65% convinced that this sounds like a good idea, but I just don’t know yet. Here’s hoping for the best….

Until Next Time,
Lace