Tag: cheating

Stranger and Stranger Still

My mother recently called me and informed me that one of her closest friends had committed suicide. She found out the day after it happened- just after the Fourth of July. We will call my mom’s friend Shirley* to protect her identity. A family friend called my mother and told her what happened.

Shirley and her family went to a party to celebrate the Fourth. Shirley was happily married with a son about to be married. His fiance was a blonde girl with two mixed children, a little girl and a little boy. They all lived together at Shirley’s house and the daughter followed Shirley around like a shadow.

It turned out to be a shadow that haunted her. Shirley lost a child twenty years ago. She had cared for and utterly adored a special needs little girl for eight years of her life before she regrettably passed. They say that she had been speaking about her deceased daughter more often lately. She was going through menopause and her mother said she suffered from depression.

Even so, no one expected what happened from her. There was an altercation between Shirley and another woman and they left the party. Everyone went back home. Shirley said she had to go to the bathroom, and asked the little daughter to stay in the living room with everyone else, she’d be right back.

She went down the hall to their bedroom. She collected a shotgun her son had gifted her and wordlessly carried it with her to the bathroom. No one noticed anything until they heard the shot.

Her body fell against the door. Her son had to hack at the door and break it to get to his mother. There was nothing they could do, no help to get. She was gone. Her mother-in-law and sister-in-law came to clean up the mess. Everyone was shocked and grief stricken.

My mother said it didn’t sound like her, she couldn’t believe it. I caught my mother in the throes of denial. She half way wondered if there could have been foul play. It was so utterly unlike Shirley to do this to her family. Her son was supposed to be wed the very next month. The family friend said that her husband was in shock and that her son was angry beyond belief. Who could blame him? My mother insightfully said, “But you know what? Being mad at her is probably what’s going to be what gets him through this.”

When we went to the Celebration for Her Life, I was touched by the amount of people gathered. There were well over a hundred people there. Her death touched so many people. Suicide robs everyone of you. It is so horrible. I know no one knows the pain she was in, but to see all her loved ones gathered makes you think about how you can’t take them for granted.

That’s what I was thinking as I sat next to my mother and squeezed her hand. But even as tears dripped down my face, they weren’t for Shirley. I was secretly terrified the same thing could happen to my own mother.¬† She lost her son. What if she broke one day, too?

Afterwards in the card, I even told her, “Don’t you dare ever do this to me.”

My summer has been saturated in death and mortality. So many griefs and shocks. My cousin passed away. We found out my Grandpa has cancer. My mother has been pressuring me to talk to my dad for her and I can’t bear the rejection of him not speaking to me. He can ignore her all he wants, but God forbid I try and he doesn’t. The fear of rejection is strong. I couldn’t find the words to tell her that.

My birthday was an affair to remember. The week leading up to it I was a bundle of raw nerves. All I could anticipate was based on past experience and generally my birthdays include crying at some point. Not Happy Tears. I lived in fear of my husband’s temper and belittling attitude and cried in dread of the day. I cried to my mother that I didn’t want to be alone with him because he’s so insensitive and I can be so fucking fragile.

Doesn’t sound like a happy marriage, does it? I have always struggled to get the respect I deserve. I actually specifically asked my husband to be nice to me on my birthday. I just said he always found a reason to yell at me on that day and it would be nice if he didn’t this year. He miraculously didn’t. He loves me, I know he was trying. I guess he actually listened for once.

After the debacle that was my birthday, we had another hurdle to jump as a family. Or so I thought. Toby’s birthday came so shortly after his passing, but we were all supposed to spend it together. It wouldn’t turn out that way.

On his birthday, I called my uncle and he informed me that my mother wasn’t invited anymore. His wife struggled with drug addiction in the past and now she had been found out again. She relapsed and blamed it on my mother. Yes, my mother had a part in it. But she was to blame also for imploding the family dynamic.

Now relationships are strained and we still haven’t all agreed to be in person yet. My mother and aunt had been healing old wounds before. My mother used to hate my aunt more than anyone and they¬†were becoming friends over my cousin’s illness. Now that has been ruined again. My uncle is barely speaking to my mother. Rightfully so.

In tandem with this secret family drama, there is other family drama afoot. My Grandpa has the misfortune of getting diagnosed with cancer shortly after admitting to a life of lies with his wife.

My Grandpa cheated on her. She was willing to forgive him. Then she found out that some family members such as my mother were involved, and now my mother is a trigger in their relationship and she won’t let my Grandpa speak to my mother. He told my mother not to call or text him, he’d get in touch with her. It is heartbreaking what this woman is doing. He’s fucking dying and she’s cutting him off from his family. Her final, bitter revenge for ruining her life with a faithless man.

She’s right to be upset, but there’s a limit. They are bound to separate, it seems. She has been one of my Grandpa’s longest relationships. But he needs his family, and they need him, too. Everyone hates her even though Grandpa is the one that cheated. We live in a topsy turvy world.

To put the cherry on top, I finally had the courage to call an intervention helpline for my mother’s sake and was immediately discouraged. How could we ever pay for rehab? The answer is we can’t. I have to look harder for the answer but I feel so afraid. What if it doesn’t help? She doesn’t sound willing to go. So much effort in a doomed pursuit. I don’t know if I have it in me, and that makes me feel ashamed.

Welcome to my life.

Advertisements

Re: Cheating

I was re-reading one of my previous blog posts. I just had this thought which does sound quite conceited, but….

Well, if I am honest, Hakim probably thinks of me as the one that got away. Just listen to this story:

Hakim and I began to lose interest in each other. As I have said, I needed a lot more sex than he was willing to provide so it was time for us to part ways. He was interested in seeing other people- I don’t think he was aware of my cheating. To my knowledge, he never knew… except about the emotional feelings I had for my bestie. He was aware of that.

We had a mutual break up.

ALWAYS HAVE AN EXIT STRATEGY

We agreed to start seeing other people. We were still going to see each other casually while we searched for other people to start dating. I was determined to be the one who left, not the one whom was left.

So I hooked up with the first guy to show remote interest in me. In comes the dumb ass Joshua into my life. My very mistaken, broken girl chapter of life *sigh* When I started seeing Joshua, I remember telling Hakim that I was moving on. I can’t remember if I felt good about it or not. It was bitter sweet if I remember right….

Hakim and I didn’t lose touch. I usually always remained friends with my exes. Hakim and I went out for sushi once. It was a few months after I had started dating Joshua. After we ate, we walked around the new Devon building and he shouted my name in the big open space. He said I was amazing, and that no one could compare to me. He missed me, and he knew what being with me would look like. He offered to let me move in with him and to take care of me. I stupidly said no, I was in love with someone else now. I will always, always regret that stupid decision.

So in his eyes, I rejected him. I was one of the best girlfriends he ever had and I didn’t want him back anymore. He came to see me in years past. He tried to see me right before I got married. What if he really thought I was the one that got away…?

If I told him what I really did to him, that would dispel that notion. Maybe it could even make him feel better to know he wasn’t missing out on something golden. Just a horny ho. Then he might feel glad we separated, and I could make a difference that way.

I hate that I thought of that. Am I supposed to make an attempt to make amends? It would be so messy and bad. I’m too close to my longing. I don’t want to reveal that ugly side. But that’s what’s fair, isn’t it?

Shadow Work

I read some advice recently online about eating disorders. I’ve been avoiding doing the task they set before me. You make a list of your roles, and what you are doing to further those roles right now. Then, you make a list of how you can improve those roles. It’s an exercise to see where your disappointments lay- you are supposed to recognize the areas of your life that need work and start focusing accordingly.

Daughter
Things I Do Now: Calling my mother everyday, skipping out of work early one day a week to spend time with mom, spending days off with her

What I envision: Call her every day, spend occasional off days with her, go over to her house more often i.e. visits after work, perform an intervention for her, help her to get a job

Family Member
Things I Do Now: Barely anything, only focus on my mother.

What I envision: Once a month meetings with Joe’s family, summer plans with extended family, getting to see Rob over the summer, call my aunt rob and Grandpa more often, call Joe and Austin more often, go over to Joe’s house with Jake for fight nights, float the river family trip, go on summer trip with Jake’s family, spend more time with Jake’s cousin Korey and his wife, visit my Grandpa at work randomly and take him snacks

Individual
Things I Do Now: Masturbating, writing, working on art project, browsing social media websites, overeating, binging and purging

What I envision: Go outside more often, go to parks more often, visit the Memorial more often, go places on my days off, work out, lose weight, control eating habits, go to therapy, get myriad of medical issues checked out

Spiritual/Cultural
Things I Do Now: Carry a medicine bag, listen to A Tribe Called Red, listen to Native American drums and flutes, smudging the house, praying outside under the sky

What I envision: Going to powwow every year, listening to Medicine Men chanting/DELTA wave music to relax recreationally around the house, praying and smudging more often, learn Spanish

Business
Things I Do Now: Non confrontational, lazy, unfocused, half assed

What I envision: Well organized, smaller department, becoming Front Office Manager of a Residence Inn, Springhill Suites, other limited service Marriott hotel, ultimately ending up a writer (short novel or magazine editor), become the next JK Rowling, have to spend a lot more time invested in my writing

Wife
Things I Do Now: Withhold sex, always admit I am wrong and he is right, let him have his way even when he’s being a brat, let him treat me like shit, not close intimately, doesn’t want to hear my inner most thoughts, uncaring of my feelings, controlling, posessive

What I envision: Him settling with a lesser sex life than he wants, him treating me with respect and love, him being emotionally present in the relationship, eating meals at a kitchen table without TV or computer, just talking. More adventurous sex. More willingness to take me on dates and say nice things to me. Touches me involuntarily. More opportunities to dress up, double dates, making friends. More open minded, less neurosis.

Potential Parent
Things I Do Now: Nothing

What I envision: Save money for a house, quit drugs to pass inspections to get foster kids, lose weight to have a biological kid, convince husband to get his vasectomy reversed, get a better job to afford kids, work a 9-5 job for kids

Friend
Things I Do Now: Call Katie every time I have a freak out

What I envision: Monthly meetings with Christina and Katie, more whenever meetings with Katie, call Katie just to check up on HER, call Elizabeth and Veronica more often, get back in touch with Melanie, wine and paint parties, exercise budy with Sara, become friends with Whitney and Leslie

Recovering Addict
Things I Do Now: 12 Step Al-Anon work

What I envision: Going to al-anon meetings, finding a sponsor, completing the steps, feeling better about myself, cope with my emotions better


Image result for earl's list

I mention this because I have been contemplating My List Inspired by My Name is Earl. I have a whole subsection of my list that deals with cheating on various individuals. Plus, cheating is an interesting topic in my family.

My Grandpa is a chronic philanderer. My aunt was a serial cheater. My uncle cheated, also. My other uncle slept with married women. My mother sleeps with a married man. My mother cheated on my dad. My dad cheated on my mother. It’s a morally gray area in our family. My Granny was the best person who ever lived, but miraculously enough the person I love most next is the person who hurt her the most. What a bizarre turn of events for our family. My friends have often said that my life could be a soap opera.

I don’t think cheating is okay. I did it, though. The first time I cheated, I cheated on a crush with my ex. We were dating verging on girlfriend-boyfriend material when I signed that relationship’s death warrant by sleeping with my ex whom I was still radically in love with at the time.

The person I feel the worst about cheating on though is not him. It’s Hakim. He was the most stable relationship I ever had in my life. We didn’t have to see each other or talk everyday. I wasn’t addicted to weed back then. Things were just starting to get bad with my mom back then.

I cheated on Hakim because he had a spectacular cock he would not share with me. At the time I didn’t understand, but now I do- he was depressed. His libido was in the dumps. He often had existential crises. I feel so stupid that I didn’t see it, then. I didn’t appreciate him for the gentle soul he was. We were kindred spirits but I could only think with my clit. I wasn’t getting the attention I wanted- so I went out and found it elsewhere.

The first person I cheated on him with was my ex. I knew my ex had smoke and knew how to touch me like I craved. So I went to him again, a couple of different times. I wasn’t in love with my ex anymore by this point- we had become the best of friends with benefits. We fucked but we never kissed anymore.

The next time was a random stranger. We saw each other regularly since he worked at the store around the corner from my mother’s house. He liked me, I liked him. He had a girlfriend and a baby, and I didn’t care to learn their names. He likewise wasn’t interested in knowing me. We just groped in the car and store sometimes until it all culminated one night.

We had a quickie behind my mother’s house in her apartment. We fumbled around in the dark until he came and left me feeling unsatisfied. He suddenly remembered he had someplace to be and what’s worse was I was his ride. I never saw him again after that.

But I did see the neighbor boy Daniel, back from over seas. He drunkenly invited me over to his house in the middle of the night later that night. He never knew that I had been with someone that same night- we did it in his den, the room we grew up playing together in as kids at his house. He struggled to keep his tiny dick up and ended up fingering me to completion. It was our second and last time together, first time sober.

The fourth person was my best friend. Our relationship heated up and it was impossible to deny the mutual attraction any longer. It didn’t feel wrong because I loved her so much. He liked her, too. Never suspected a thing, and didn’t hold it against me when I admitted I had feelings for her. He still sought me out later on down the line despite knowing I had emotionally cheated on him. I did not outright admit that I cheated physically.

After An Affair: Are You Wracked With Guilt After Cheating?

I read this article about cheating. It’s hard to find articles from the other side- the person who cheated and feels guilty. It made a lot of stupid points in my opinion. “Recognize that the bad person who did this deed, also does good things for you. Recognize that while you did wrong the person you cheated on, they got something out of you cheating on them.”

For example, I cheated on Hakim and broke up with him. He had other opportunities to find a girl who wouldn’t cheat on him and who would understand him better by not being with me. He’s a fool for never knowing how bad I was- Am I bad a person for never admitting the truth?

Image result for one day at a time words

In Al-Anon, the steps say:

Made direct amends to [people we have harmed] wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others

To even dream of coming clean to Hakim is impossible to think. This is surely what cases like this were made for- revealing that you cheated is selfish! haha~!

Is it, though? Am I as bad as the rest of my family?

Are things better when people don’t know? If a tree falls with no around to hear, does it make a sound? If you got away with it, and they were none the wiser, how is revealing your short comings supposed to make¬†them feel better? Or me?

I guess some people think, “They deserve to know.” But knowing sure is ugly. It ripped my Grandma apart. I will never forget the time she informed me she tried to get medical benefits through her husband’s job, and he had listed himself as a single man. I can still remember the hurt look on her face.

My Aunt has done a fine good job of telling people her misdeeds. It is no wonder her husband finally went cuckoo. As I said, she is a serial cheater and has had many relationships outside her marriage in the past years. She is quite frankly a sensual and down to earth woman. Most people would call her a whore but I was settle for promiscuous. I admired her sometimes, she talked to me like a friend. She liked trading bawdy stories back and forth about our conquests. Her children knew all about her relationships and called them Uncle. Her boyfriends dined at their dinner table with the whole family, under the guise of a family friend. One time Rob told me about a time her husband asked her, “But won’t they all know?

You mean how we HAVE KNOWN FOR YEARS?

The humiliation, I cannot imagine. I find it difficult to imagine a scenario in which I could be like Hillary and accept Bill Clinton’s actions. I know it was a terrible thing for me to do, but I was being young and free. I wasn’t the one who was married. Cheating before marriage is somehow less worse. I was having fun, being young, wild, and free.

Short term lesson: Short flings are more acceptable form of cheating, whereas drawn out emotional relationships with another person are particularly damaging. I saw an article recently on the web that talked about that- how women are in fact less angry about cheating that is just about sex than about EMOTIONAL cheating with another woman.

I have to think about these things because my life is weird. I chose an unusual member of society to marry. I have dated more than just one man that has had threesomes before. My husband happens to be one of them. He was in a poly-amorous relationship in his twenties for a while. He dated and lived with two women simultaneously. They were a thrupple.

Image result for shameless thrupple

thrupple
noun. a three-way sexual relationship with three partners.

-“When two just isn’t enough!”

My husband has expressed a desire to follow this life style again. He feels dissatisfied with our sex life for a couple of different reasons. Some of his reasons aren’t so stupid, though. He insists that he knows I want to be with a woman. I can’t lie and say that’s not true.

He has found someone that he desires, and he’s asked if I want to meet her. But this is ALL WRONG for me. Not the thrupple- I am actually not too horribly against the idea of adding a third person to the relationship. It’s just that Jacob and I have different visions.

First of all, I would rather be the one to pick the person. I want someone who is ideally more interested in me than my husband. I’d rather him be an accessory piece to any lesbian action. I’d prefer him not to fuck or kiss her. He can do things with me- which makes me suspect that I am truly too jealous in nature to allow a sister wife.

I will be the first to admit I am insecure.

“All I told them is everything they wanted to know!”
-Deadpool 2

I don’t want anyone to take my husband from me. I don’t want him to be interested in anyone else just yet. I thought we could go years before we would have to add a third person.

I want us to have a solid foundation. And at this time, we just don’t. I don’t have the confidence in our relationship and his treatment of me to allow him a sister wife. If he treated me more respectfully, perhaps we could bargain in some way, but he hasn’t shown that side of himself in quite some time.

Image result for prude pink

I’m not a PRUDE! I wanted to live polyamorously with my bff. I loved her and my first boyfriend equally, but she wasn’t down for him in any way. She was all about me. The thrupple that I am seeking is different than this domestic vibe my husband is trying to coin.

I want a third person to make our lives more exciting! I expect with two of us, I could force Jake to do much more fun and adventurous things. We would go on dates together. But I don’t want her to live with us- I imagine this radically ideal free-loving spirit kind of woman. I’m not saying she’s a slut, just that she loves who feels right. My husband does not like the idea of her not being beholden to us, though. I want something more casual to start out and he wants like this big commitment right away. We’re not seeing eye to eye. Well, in most ways. We both want me to have a girlfriend, lol.

Related image

Strange but True vol. II

What kind of t-shirt are you?
Happy Girls Are The Prettiest  by hopealittle:

You Are a Basic T-shirt

You are a very humble, low maintenance person. You find contentment easily. You are easy-going and very social. You like being around other people more than anything else.

Some may accuse you of being lazy, but you just don’t work any harder than you need to.

You are happiest when things are kept casual. You think formality is a lot of unnecessary fuss.

As of late, I have been gathering all my contacts information for Jake and I’s engagement party. I am so excited for this event!! As much as I hate it, my Grandpa has been making me make arrangements through Rhonda for things for the party. Normally a woman I never talk to, it’s been kind of a strain on me trying to get it done. We don’t know each other well, me and Rhonda and she has the unfortunate position in our family of having been the woman our beloved¬†matriarch¬†was cheated on with. It’s not necessarily her fault because let’s face it it takes two to tango.
Speaking of the horizontal dance, I called my Aunt Rob to iron out some details for the party. As usual, I was on the phone with her at length and conversation turned towards her own illicit behavior, because we were talking about Grandpa.
(Background info: Rhonda found out that he was cheating on her with a woman in South Dakota. She’s been mad at anyone who knew about it, i.e. mom and J.R. and possibly me if mom texted Grandpa about the hotel room I got him. It’s weird because I’m pretty sure I’m on her shit list also, but I’m at least trying, you know?)
Rob cheats on her husband, and one of the reasons I called was to clarify that I wanted my engagement party to be A FAMILY EVENT. That means you and your husband and children, dammit, not you and your boyfriend you get drunk with. I find it very odd that this is a clarification I have to make in my family. And it’s not the first time, either.
On my 21st birthday, my Aunt Rob asked to bring a different boyfriend back then instead of her family. It was fucking weird. I felt so bad for Dave, and still do. She was super inclined not to bring him along, and he admittedly hates visiting our side of the family. But I still wanted him to feel included, so I felt the need to specify with Rob. Ugh lol -_- I guess we’ll see what happens.
Postsecret of the week:
sisterfrida

Moral of the story: You don’t get to choose¬†your family.

Strange But True

I had the most disturbing dream yesterday. I woke myself up from the fit I was having in my dream. Whatever happened, for some reason I had agreed to let Jake sleep with another girl. I get the sense I had previously agreed to it, since I don’t remember doing so in the dream.

All I know is that we were in some other person’s house, and I was walking down a hallway. It was dark, but I still happened to see when I passed by an open door- Jake was standing at the foot of the bed, looking utterly enthralled at fingering some other girl’s pussy. I about died. She was blond and thin and having a hell of a time. The thought of Jake hell bent on pleasuring another woman made me go nuts.¬†In the dream, I started crying hysterically and barged into the room. I shoved him and hit on him and then ran out of the room crying, and he followed me.

Jake shook me awake. I was crying in the dream and the crying woke me up in real life. I tried to joke it off and say, “You!!!” LOL But in a real sense, there is a lot going on in that dream. Some people might consider me foolish, but I listen to my dreams.

dreammoods.com says;

Being cheated on in a dream points to fear of abandonment:

To dream that your mate, spouse, or significant other is cheating on you also indicates your fears of being abandoned. You are concerned about the future and whether your significant other will be there for you. Perhaps you are waiting for a commitment from your significant other. Often such dreams may occur because you were abandoned before by an ex, by a parent or important person in your life.

Being cheated on also points to low self-esteem:

When you feel unworthy, inadequate or that you do no measure up to the expectation of others, you may dream that your lover is cheating on you. You have a low sense of self-worth and feel that there is no reason for your mate to stay with you. Consider who your significant other is cheating with in your dream. Is this person someone who you think is better than you in some way? Are they handsomer, prettier, thinner, richer, smarter, etc?

Crying
To dream that you are crying signifies a release of negative emotions that is more likely caused by some waking situation rather than the events of the dream itself. Your dream is a way to regain some emotional balance and to safely let out your fears and frustrations. In your daily lives, you tend to ignore, deny, or repress your feelings. But in your dream state, your defense mechanisms are no longer on guard and thus allow for the release of those feelings that you have repressed during the day.

To wake up crying represents some suppressed hurt or previous trauma that is coming up to the surface. You can no longer suppress these emotions. They need to be dealt with head on.

To dream that no one hears or responds to your cries represents your helplessness, difficulties and frustrations in trying to communicate with others. You feel that your words are falling on deaf ears. Perhaps your dream is telling you to be more vocal and work harder to get your point across.

Tears
To dream that you are in tears signify that you are undergoing a period of healing in your life. The tears symbolize compassion, emotional healing and spiritual cleansing. Alternatively, tears indicate pain.

To dream that someone is in tears indicate that you need to rethink your actions and how your behavior may be affecting those around you.

To see a teardrop in your dream represents some previous wisdom that you have learned or recalled.

Fighting
To dream that you are in a fight indicates inner turmoil. Some aspect of yourself is in conflict with another aspect of yourself. Perhaps an unresolved or unacknowledged part is fighting for its right to be heard. It may also parallel a fight or struggle that you are going through in your waking life.

To dream that you are trying to fight, but cannot throw your arms as hard as you want signifies lack of self-esteem and self-confidence in some area of your waking life. You are unsure of your next move. This dream may also reflect your actual state of REM paralysis during the dream state.

From this, I gather that I truly do have a self esteem problem. I tell people I am on cloud nine, but I must be truthful. I have a background on my phone that says “SICK SAD GIRL” and it couldn’t be more true. I am depressed and addicted to drugs. I am not really any better than my mother, except for I can function and hold a job for 8 hours a day, 5 days a week. I have a sadness, a problem that I have been ignoring.

I have been thinking to myself lately, “I’m obviously getting the better deal here. I get Jake, and all Jake gets is me.” I have been down on myself, considering myself less. I talk bad to myself when no one else is listening. I don’t pay attention to my needs. I ignore basic needs like good foods I should be eating instead of take out every night and simple things like basic hygiene. What are you doing, girl?

Jake sometimes mentions going up to Colorado to live. I secretly agree with him that I would love to go, but I always hesitate because of the way he treats me. When Jake is mad, he sees red and he says horrible things. He tells me to go back and live with my mom if I don’t like him, and it kills me everytime because I ain’t goin’ nowhere. Nowhere soon.

As soon as he gets out of that habit, we can move to Colorado. We can’t as long as he flings shit like that in my face. I won’t be right around the corner from mama’s anymore, will I??? It’s kinda surreal, in a way. Jake is terrified I’ll leave him, and I am terrified that he’ll leave me.

Stranger Things Have Happened

Tonight, I received a call from my mother. She was inquiring on my Grandpa’s behalf if I could give him a discounted room for the evening at my hotel. You see, I happen to know my Grandpa was traveling with his¬†girlfriend from South Dakota where he’s on site working.

I was a little surprised that Grandpa was willing to bring the girl by. In the past, he’s always kept his illicit actions more to himself and he tries to show me his best self. I wasn’t upset, he cheated on my saint of a grandma, and I don’t harbor any love towards his current wife. I do feel a little bad for her. Pretty much as soon as my Grandpa gets married, it’s time to find a girlfriend. I kind of took it as a turning point in our relationship, like he considers me more of an adult. I will admit, I was a little jealous when I heard he had my cousin picking up jewelry for the woman, and he was pretending like she didn’t exist when he talked to me. This levels the playing field.

A lot of my family have this infidelity problem. My aunt is a serial whore. She and her husband have some kind of sick agreement, in which he remains depressed and drunk constantly to deal with her many going ons. He won’t leave her though because he can’t take care of himself, he needs her to be his housewife and mother of his children. So she does all her sleeping around to satisfy herself since she has chosen to tie herself to a man she no longer respects as a man. She has said she considers him another child to be taken care of.

My uncle Matt has brought a mistress¬†to family functions before. Grandpa doted on the woman’s child he brought along. It’s just something that our whole family has touched on or experienced first hand. I have been a cheater myself in the past, but no more. I was young and stupid.¬†

Now I am ready to be committed to Jacob. (I never cheated on Jake.) All the while I was thinking of my unfaithful relatives, I had in mind the concept of a wedding. Now was not the right time to tell Grandpa that Jake and I are engaged, although I wanted to. Maybe Jake might wonder with how shameless my family is if fidelity would be an issue on my part. I wanted to assure him that while I do have all those bad influences in my life, I also have one shining light. A beacon, a person who was my lighthouse in life.

My Granny was the most splendid person in the world. I miss her everyday. All these other people in our family don’t respect marriage, but she did. She showed me how sacred the vow is and how to love and respect someone. She loved Grandpa desperately even when he cheated constantly and was away all the time for his jobs. She could of gotten remarried but she would never allow my Grandpa and her to get a divorce. They were separated, but not officially. Until the day of her death, she was his wife.

I could be a good mother and wife if I tried to be half the person my Grandma was. I wish I could talk about all these wedding arrangements with my dear sweet Grandma, I can see in my mind the smile on her face. I miss her terribly. I feel that she would have really liked Jake and how well he takes care of me. I’m glad he and I are taking this step.

I can’t wait to make it official with rings.

Deeply Disturbed Me

I had the most bizarre Fourth of July this year. Get ready for a doozey.

Most of the day went normally. I had to work because I neglected to ask off for the holiday. At the end of my 8 hrs day, I drove home around 11pm and I receive a text from my mom not to answer any phone calls from her mexican lover, Johnny. Little do I know, my mother has involved me in her traitorous attempts to fornicate with her married ex-boyfriend. She told her very passionate mexican lover that she was leaving him to go and pick me up from work since in her lie I was getting off early due to the holiday.

Her boyfriend started to blow up my phone, texting and calling and I refused to answer any of these attempts to contact me. I let my mother know she should move her activities elsewhere via text and my anxiety was beginning to rise. The next thing I know, it’s after midnight, and he is showing up at my front door after all the missed calls. I was scared to let him know I was home, so I didn’t go to the door. Suddenly, I was overcome with fear as I remembered just what a hardened criminal my mother happens to be dating. He has served time in prison for shooting a family member, he has killed before. My mother likes that he’s not a good man, she wants a bad guy, so she can have fun.

My mother is spiraling out of control in the past year. I have noticed that she is doing drugs more regularly now and drinking more often, partying and making stupid decisions one after the other. First, she started dating the married man, then she got caught shop lifting, and through her bondsman she met her mexican criminal lover from her past. They were lovers when they were teens, reconnected after all these years, and at first the story was romantic.

It turns out that he is an alcoholic, can’t get a job, and his family is crazy. They have that crazy passionate mexican disruptive¬†energy, and it would not surprise me in the least if in the heat of passion, this man were to gun down or strangle or hurt or kill or maim my mother. I was scared shitless that night actually, my heart hammering in my chest as I considered the possibility that he might really kill my mother as he jetted away from my home in his car. My mom lives mere minutes away, I thought he might bust in on them doing the nasty at any moment! He would hurt her!

I frantically dialed my mother over and over again but she would not respond. In a frenzy, I called my Aunt at 1 in the morning to see if I should call the police or not, when my stupid ass mother finally called me back!! Ultimate relief flooded me when she told me she and Robbie were not at the house anymore! But I was still scared, thinking that Johnny would be livid anyway when she finally showed her face. I was scared for her life.

There was no one else to check on my mother. All I could do was drive over to her house in the middle of the night and hope that a fight didn’t break out. As I was driving, I was so prepared to help save my mother, I even wondered if I should have brought one of our home defense guns with me. I reasoned that if he did attack my mother, I would at least be on the scene to call the police immediately. I crept outside her windows and strained my ears for sounds that my mother was alive and well. When I glimpsed her boyfriend through one of the back windows, he looked calm enough as he sat on the couch being soothed by her lies.

I cannot forget the extreme fear I felt though, thinking he might kill my mother. It is entirely possible, and I morbidly wonder to myself when I talk to my mom on the phone now, “Are these the last words she’s ever going to say to me??” She’s being incredibly stupid, she has a death wish, she thinks she can out smart Johnny and she is playing with a loaded gun. I am terrified for my mother’s safety if ever he were to find out about her duplicitous doings. If she cannot respect him in their union, she must end it, but she isn’t inclined to do so. When I bluntly stated to her, “Fuck Robbie, he won’t even leave his wife for you, and yet you’re willing to fuckin’ die for a piece of that?? WTF?” She just laughed at me and brushed me off. She insists there’s nothing to worry about, but how can that be when it is becoming increasingly clear to me that she doesn’t give a shit about her life and doesn’t want to prolong it?

My mother wants to drown, and I can’t go under with her, trying to save her. If she won’t let me help herself, there is nothing I can do to pull her out. Her depression and drug use are worse than they ever have been before, and I just do not know what I can do to help her, short of turning her in or narcing on her to her dad for her drug abuse so he can force her to seek help. She won’t though.¬†And now I don’t want to see any of her boyfriend’s good qualities, my mind is clouded with fear for my mother’s safety and I am afraid of him now. I don’t even want him around, I can’t sit and chill in her living room with what could be my mother’s future murderer. That’s too fucked up, and I am freaking out about my mother’s situation in life. But what can be done? Nothing, dammit. And it’s killing me.