Strange but True vol. II

What kind of t-shirt are you?
Happy Girls Are The Prettiest  by hopealittle:

You Are a Basic T-shirt

You are a very humble, low maintenance person. You find contentment easily. You are easy-going and very social. You like being around other people more than anything else.

Some may accuse you of being lazy, but you just don’t work any harder than you need to.

You are happiest when things are kept casual. You think formality is a lot of unnecessary fuss.

As of late, I have been gathering all my contacts information for Jake and I’s engagement party. I am so excited for this event!! As much as I hate it, my Grandpa has been making me make arrangements through Rhonda for things for the party. Normally a woman I never talk to, it’s been kind of a strain on me trying to get it done. We don’t know each other well, me and Rhonda and she has the unfortunate position in our family of having been the woman our beloved matriarch was cheated on with. It’s not necessarily her fault because let’s face it it takes two to tango.
Speaking of the horizontal dance, I called my Aunt Rob to iron out some details for the party. As usual, I was on the phone with her at length and conversation turned towards her own illicit behavior, because we were talking about Grandpa.
(Background info: Rhonda found out that he was cheating on her with a woman in South Dakota. She’s been mad at anyone who knew about it, i.e. mom and J.R. and possibly me if mom texted Grandpa about the hotel room I got him. It’s weird because I’m pretty sure I’m on her shit list also, but I’m at least trying, you know?)
Rob cheats on her husband, and one of the reasons I called was to clarify that I wanted my engagement party to be A FAMILY EVENT. That means you and your husband and children, dammit, not you and your boyfriend you get drunk with. I find it very odd that this is a clarification I have to make in my family. And it’s not the first time, either.
On my 21st birthday, my Aunt Rob asked to bring a different boyfriend back then instead of her family. It was fucking weird. I felt so bad for Dave, and still do. She was super inclined not to bring him along, and he admittedly hates visiting our side of the family. But I still wanted him to feel included, so I felt the need to specify with Rob. Ugh lol -_- I guess we’ll see what happens.
Postsecret of the week:
sisterfrida

Moral of the story: You don’t get to choose your family.

Strange But True

I had the most disturbing dream yesterday. I woke myself up from the fit I was having in my dream. Whatever happened, for some reason I had agreed to let Jake sleep with another girl. I get the sense I had previously agreed to it, since I don’t remember doing so in the dream.

All I know is that we were in some other person’s house, and I was walking down a hallway. It was dark, but I still happened to see when I passed by an open door- Jake was standing at the foot of the bed, looking utterly enthralled at fingering some other girl’s pussy. I about died. She was blond and thin and having a hell of a time. The thought of Jake hell bent on pleasuring another woman made me go nuts. In the dream, I started crying hysterically and barged into the room. I shoved him and hit on him and then ran out of the room crying, and he followed me.

Jake shook me awake. I was crying in the dream and the crying woke me up in real life. I tried to joke it off and say, “You!!!” LOL But in a real sense, there is a lot going on in that dream. Some people might consider me foolish, but I listen to my dreams.

dreammoods.com says;

Being cheated on in a dream points to fear of abandonment:

To dream that your mate, spouse, or significant other is cheating on you also indicates your fears of being abandoned. You are concerned about the future and whether your significant other will be there for you. Perhaps you are waiting for a commitment from your significant other. Often such dreams may occur because you were abandoned before by an ex, by a parent or important person in your life.

Being cheated on also points to low self-esteem:

When you feel unworthy, inadequate or that you do no measure up to the expectation of others, you may dream that your lover is cheating on you. You have a low sense of self-worth and feel that there is no reason for your mate to stay with you. Consider who your significant other is cheating with in your dream. Is this person someone who you think is better than you in some way? Are they handsomer, prettier, thinner, richer, smarter, etc?

Crying
To dream that you are crying signifies a release of negative emotions that is more likely caused by some waking situation rather than the events of the dream itself. Your dream is a way to regain some emotional balance and to safely let out your fears and frustrations. In your daily lives, you tend to ignore, deny, or repress your feelings. But in your dream state, your defense mechanisms are no longer on guard and thus allow for the release of those feelings that you have repressed during the day.

To wake up crying represents some suppressed hurt or previous trauma that is coming up to the surface. You can no longer suppress these emotions. They need to be dealt with head on.

To dream that no one hears or responds to your cries represents your helplessness, difficulties and frustrations in trying to communicate with others. You feel that your words are falling on deaf ears. Perhaps your dream is telling you to be more vocal and work harder to get your point across.

Tears
To dream that you are in tears signify that you are undergoing a period of healing in your life. The tears symbolize compassion, emotional healing and spiritual cleansing. Alternatively, tears indicate pain.

To dream that someone is in tears indicate that you need to rethink your actions and how your behavior may be affecting those around you.

To see a teardrop in your dream represents some previous wisdom that you have learned or recalled.

Fighting
To dream that you are in a fight indicates inner turmoil. Some aspect of yourself is in conflict with another aspect of yourself. Perhaps an unresolved or unacknowledged part is fighting for its right to be heard. It may also parallel a fight or struggle that you are going through in your waking life.

To dream that you are trying to fight, but cannot throw your arms as hard as you want signifies lack of self-esteem and self-confidence in some area of your waking life. You are unsure of your next move. This dream may also reflect your actual state of REM paralysis during the dream state.

From this, I gather that I truly do have a self esteem problem. I tell people I am on cloud nine, but I must be truthful. I have a background on my phone that says “SICK SAD GIRL” and it couldn’t be more true. I am depressed and addicted to drugs. I am not really any better than my mother, except for I can function and hold a job for 8 hours a day, 5 days a week. I have a sadness, a problem that I have been ignoring.

I have been thinking to myself lately, “I’m obviously getting the better deal here. I get Jake, and all Jake gets is me.” I have been down on myself, considering myself less. I talk bad to myself when no one else is listening. I don’t pay attention to my needs. I ignore basic needs like good foods I should be eating instead of take out every night and simple things like basic hygiene. What are you doing, girl?

Jake sometimes mentions going up to Colorado to live. I secretly agree with him that I would love to go, but I always hesitate because of the way he treats me. When Jake is mad, he sees red and he says horrible things. He tells me to go back and live with my mom if I don’t like him, and it kills me everytime because I ain’t goin’ nowhere. Nowhere soon.

As soon as he gets out of that habit, we can move to Colorado. We can’t as long as he flings shit like that in my face. I won’t be right around the corner from mama’s anymore, will I??? It’s kinda surreal, in a way. Jake is terrified I’ll leave him, and I am terrified that he’ll leave me.

Stranger Things Have Happened

Tonight, I received a call from my mother. She was inquiring on my Grandpa’s behalf if I could give him a discounted room for the evening at my hotel. You see, I happen to know my Grandpa was traveling with his girlfriend from South Dakota where he’s on site working.

I was a little surprised that Grandpa was willing to bring the girl by. In the past, he’s always kept his illicit actions more to himself and he tries to show me his best self. I wasn’t upset, he cheated on my saint of a grandma, and I don’t harbor any love towards his current wife. I do feel a little bad for her. Pretty much as soon as my Grandpa gets married, it’s time to find a girlfriend. I kind of took it as a turning point in our relationship, like he considers me more of an adult. I will admit, I was a little jealous when I heard he had my cousin picking up jewelry for the woman, and he was pretending like she didn’t exist when he talked to me. This levels the playing field.

A lot of my family have this infidelity problem. My aunt is a serial whore. She and her husband have some kind of sick agreement, in which he remains depressed and drunk constantly to deal with her many going ons. He won’t leave her though because he can’t take care of himself, he needs her to be his housewife and mother of his children. So she does all her sleeping around to satisfy herself since she has chosen to tie herself to a man she no longer respects as a man. She has said she considers him another child to be taken care of.

My uncle Matt has brought a mistress to family functions before. Grandpa doted on the woman’s child he brought along. It’s just something that our whole family has touched on or experienced first hand. I have been a cheater myself in the past, but no more. I was young and stupid. 

Now I am ready to be committed to Jacob. (I never cheated on Jake.) All the while I was thinking of my unfaithful relatives, I had in mind the concept of a wedding. Now was not the right time to tell Grandpa that Jake and I are engaged, although I wanted to. Maybe Jake might wonder with how shameless my family is if fidelity would be an issue on my part. I wanted to assure him that while I do have all those bad influences in my life, I also have one shining light. A beacon, a person who was my lighthouse in life.

My Granny was the most splendid person in the world. I miss her everyday. All these other people in our family don’t respect marriage, but she did. She showed me how sacred the vow is and how to love and respect someone. She loved Grandpa desperately even when he cheated constantly and was away all the time for his jobs. She could of gotten remarried but she would never allow my Grandpa and her to get a divorce. They were separated, but not officially. Until the day of her death, she was his wife.

I could be a good mother and wife if I tried to be half the person my Grandma was. I wish I could talk about all these wedding arrangements with my dear sweet Grandma, I can see in my mind the smile on her face. I miss her terribly. I feel that she would have really liked Jake and how well he takes care of me. I’m glad he and I are taking this step.

I can’t wait to make it official with rings.

Deeply Disturbed Me

I had the most bizarre Fourth of July this year. Get ready for a doozey.

Most of the day went normally. I had to work because I neglected to ask off for the holiday. At the end of my 8 hrs day, I drove home around 11pm and I receive a text from my mom not to answer any phone calls from her mexican lover, Johnny. Little do I know, my mother has involved me in her traitorous attempts to fornicate with her married ex-boyfriend. She told her very passionate mexican lover that she was leaving him to go and pick me up from work since in her lie I was getting off early due to the holiday.

Her boyfriend started to blow up my phone, texting and calling and I refused to answer any of these attempts to contact me. I let my mother know she should move her activities elsewhere via text and my anxiety was beginning to rise. The next thing I know, it’s after midnight, and he is showing up at my front door after all the missed calls. I was scared to let him know I was home, so I didn’t go to the door. Suddenly, I was overcome with fear as I remembered just what a hardened criminal my mother happens to be dating. He has served time in prison for shooting a family member, he has killed before. My mother likes that he’s not a good man, she wants a bad guy, so she can have fun.

My mother is spiraling out of control in the past year. I have noticed that she is doing drugs more regularly now and drinking more often, partying and making stupid decisions one after the other. First, she started dating the married man, then she got caught shop lifting, and through her bondsman she met her mexican criminal lover from her past. They were lovers when they were teens, reconnected after all these years, and at first the story was romantic.

It turns out that he is an alcoholic, can’t get a job, and his family is crazy. They have that crazy passionate mexican disruptive energy, and it would not surprise me in the least if in the heat of passion, this man were to gun down or strangle or hurt or kill or maim my mother. I was scared shitless that night actually, my heart hammering in my chest as I considered the possibility that he might really kill my mother as he jetted away from my home in his car. My mom lives mere minutes away, I thought he might bust in on them doing the nasty at any moment! He would hurt her!

I frantically dialed my mother over and over again but she would not respond. In a frenzy, I called my Aunt at 1 in the morning to see if I should call the police or not, when my stupid ass mother finally called me back!! Ultimate relief flooded me when she told me she and Robbie were not at the house anymore! But I was still scared, thinking that Johnny would be livid anyway when she finally showed her face. I was scared for her life.

There was no one else to check on my mother. All I could do was drive over to her house in the middle of the night and hope that a fight didn’t break out. As I was driving, I was so prepared to help save my mother, I even wondered if I should have brought one of our home defense guns with me. I reasoned that if he did attack my mother, I would at least be on the scene to call the police immediately. I crept outside her windows and strained my ears for sounds that my mother was alive and well. When I glimpsed her boyfriend through one of the back windows, he looked calm enough as he sat on the couch being soothed by her lies.

I cannot forget the extreme fear I felt though, thinking he might kill my mother. It is entirely possible, and I morbidly wonder to myself when I talk to my mom on the phone now, “Are these the last words she’s ever going to say to me??” She’s being incredibly stupid, she has a death wish, she thinks she can out smart Johnny and she is playing with a loaded gun. I am terrified for my mother’s safety if ever he were to find out about her duplicitous doings. If she cannot respect him in their union, she must end it, but she isn’t inclined to do so. When I bluntly stated to her, “Fuck Robbie, he won’t even leave his wife for you, and yet you’re willing to fuckin’ die for a piece of that?? WTF?” She just laughed at me and brushed me off. She insists there’s nothing to worry about, but how can that be when it is becoming increasingly clear to me that she doesn’t give a shit about her life and doesn’t want to prolong it?

My mother wants to drown, and I can’t go under with her, trying to save her. If she won’t let me help herself, there is nothing I can do to pull her out. Her depression and drug use are worse than they ever have been before, and I just do not know what I can do to help her, short of turning her in or narcing on her to her dad for her drug abuse so he can force her to seek help. She won’t though. And now I don’t want to see any of her boyfriend’s good qualities, my mind is clouded with fear for my mother’s safety and I am afraid of him now. I don’t even want him around, I can’t sit and chill in her living room with what could be my mother’s future murderer. That’s too fucked up, and I am freaking out about my mother’s situation in life. But what can be done? Nothing, dammit. And it’s killing me.