Get off my blog and into my pants

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Nightmares Like These

I had a terrible nightmare after work the other day. I came home from work feeling exhausted and tumbled into bed where I fell into an uneasy sleep.

In the first part of my dream, I was in a white classroom. All I remember is a great feeling of anxiety, and speaking with my english teacher from high school. I don’t remember what was said or who else was there (other students?), but she was friendly towards me. I remember her smiling. But when I closed the door behind me when I left the classroom, I fell to my knees like I was fainting, passing out. An overwhelming anxiety attack.

The next instant in the dream, I was in someone’s living room with the Christmas Tree. It was snowing outside. Through the window, I could see my Taurus car sitting in the yard unnaturally, like in their front yard. There was a lot of snow, untouched and pristine besides my car in the middle of the big, bright blanket of snow.

I was lying on the floor in Joshua’s living room. I don’t remember actually seeing Joshua, just knowing I was in his house. I saw Dee looming over me, because I was glued to the living room floor. It was like I was drunk; everytime I stood up, the world spun sickeningly around me, and I fell back on the floor. I don’t remember hearing anyone in the room talking, but seeing lips moving and the only thing I could hear as the room spun around me was my own voice calling out, “Jake! JAKE!”

“JAKE!”

I woke up calling for him.

I woke up in a state, frightened. It was a moment before I realized I was awake rather than laying there scared on the floor. I realized I was awake now and still calling for my husband. It was sweet, he did come to me and soothe me. What’s troubling is what my dream revealed to me;

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1 Million & 1 Thoughts Presented By Me

When I look in the mirror, I don’t recognize you. “Ooooh, I wanna make up my mind, but I don’t know myself.” -Mike Snow

If you’ve ever read the book Revolutionary Road by Richard Yates might be familiar with this concept. You become deeply depressed and mentally disturbed by the fact that you don’t actually know what you want- that’s why you do what you do, why you infuriate you- you don’t know what you’re doing, you don’t know what you want. And if you don’t know either of those, then you don’t know yourself.

It’s a horrible feeling when you stop to think about it. That’s just it, you don’t think about it most of the time. You play your life on loop day after day, and before you realize it you’re sobbing uncontrollably and losing your shit. You didn’t realize you were so unhappy, and the shit hits the fan all at once. You feel a tremendous amount of anxiety and grief, a horrible feeling of somehow being out of control of yourself. So melancholy and suddenly obsessed with all these perceived short comings now that you’re thinking about it.

I’ve been stressed at work lately. The schedules keep falling to shit and we are desperately short on people and I feel pretty pressed most of the time. I get too many people in my face and this weekend played havoc on my stress and anxiety levels. It was just wall to wall people, completely sold out for several nights in a row and to top it off we had a loud, family reunion congregating in my lobby and the amount of noise was out of control. I felt transported to back when there were pep rallies at school and how loud it was. I could barely stand people to talk to me and add one more thing to my list to do. I hated people on Thursday, I was ill all day and having a bad digestion day. I popped at least 4 anxiety pills that day.

Then, on Friday before it was time to go into work, I had an anxiety attack at my home. I was contemplating getting ready for work and doing my hair, and suddenly I noticed my hands were shaking and I was short of breath. I was slightly late because I had to make myself calm down before I could drive to work.

So, as you might have surmised, things are not necessarily going well with the new boss. She is letting me do things I would rather drop. I use to do a lot of the role because I was trying to get the job, and now it’s my turn to let go of a little. But that’s not what’s happening….

I feel like the new boss isn’t measuring up. I guess I was expecting a lot better, but instead this lady is gutzilla and is messier than me!! I tried so hard to be clean and make a first good impression, and the first day I met her, she left a huge mess for me to clean! And that has been a pattern for her so far, unfortunately. I dislike it heartily. I’m having to train my new boss and it’s aggravating. I want her to take more initiative. That’s not too much to ask.

Small things make me happy too, sometimes. I awoke from a wonderful dream earlier today. In my dream, the whole family was there. It was still sad news, because Granny was sick but not with diabetes. We were all seeing her off, like a final good bye party but at this party everyone was happy. She had both her legs and was standing next to Grandpa arms linked, and she was youthful and happy, her smile exuberant. I only remember it being that way in pictures. We were all wishing her goodbye.

I’ve felt particularly wistful about her lately, what with my nuptials and all. I feel excited because I know she will be present, she would not miss my day. Even beyond the grave, Granny will come to me and I will her spirit to enter the room, gladden everybody’s hearts. She was such a wonderful woman, and it will feel wonderful to feel her near again. I’ve missed her so much. Please help heal everyone, all of us, even beyond the grave. Your reach is that far, you can still reach us. I know you can help mend my mother, you can help my aunt and me, too. You always did. I miss you so much.

Dreams are made of these

I had the most peaceful dream. My Grandma came to visit me in my dreams. It was pretty strange though, it was like I had never been with Jake. I was back to my old ways, my life was like it used to be, juggling boys. I was inexclusively seeing my first boyfriend again, Dace. What a weird figure to bring up, I hadn’t though of him in years. He did not appear in the dream. I was in my neighbor’s house, now that I think about it. Granny and my friend’s mom Amy were sitting on the couch, chortling at something I’d said. I was telling them about going to see Tyler, because I was also dating him. They thought I was sly.

Funny, because Granny would never endorse activity like that or think it was funny. Skipping ahead, I suddenly realize that Granny had to go. She’d only come for awhile. We went out into the front yard, and the sun was shining down on us. Granny had both of her feet, and we stood in front of each other. I was older, like my adult self, something I never got to share with Granny. We embraced, and there were tears running down her weathered face. She still looked tired, grey in her hair, but her eyes were warm and peaceful like only Heaven can bring, even as she cried. She was going to go before my mom could see her leave, but at the last minute, Mom came out of the house. She rushed over to us and threw her arms around both of us, and then she was gone after only a pause.

Then I woke up.

Strange But True

I had the most disturbing dream yesterday. I woke myself up from the fit I was having in my dream. Whatever happened, for some reason I had agreed to let Jake sleep with another girl. I get the sense I had previously agreed to it, since I don’t remember doing so in the dream.

All I know is that we were in some other person’s house, and I was walking down a hallway. It was dark, but I still happened to see when I passed by an open door- Jake was standing at the foot of the bed, looking utterly enthralled at fingering some other girl’s pussy. I about died. She was blond and thin and having a hell of a time. The thought of Jake hell bent on pleasuring another woman made me go nuts. In the dream, I started crying hysterically and barged into the room. I shoved him and hit on him and then ran out of the room crying, and he followed me.

Jake shook me awake. I was crying in the dream and the crying woke me up in real life. I tried to joke it off and say, “You!!!” LOL But in a real sense, there is a lot going on in that dream. Some people might consider me foolish, but I listen to my dreams.

dreammoods.com says;

Being cheated on in a dream points to fear of abandonment:

To dream that your mate, spouse, or significant other is cheating on you also indicates your fears of being abandoned. You are concerned about the future and whether your significant other will be there for you. Perhaps you are waiting for a commitment from your significant other. Often such dreams may occur because you were abandoned before by an ex, by a parent or important person in your life.

Being cheated on also points to low self-esteem:

When you feel unworthy, inadequate or that you do no measure up to the expectation of others, you may dream that your lover is cheating on you. You have a low sense of self-worth and feel that there is no reason for your mate to stay with you. Consider who your significant other is cheating with in your dream. Is this person someone who you think is better than you in some way? Are they handsomer, prettier, thinner, richer, smarter, etc?

Crying
To dream that you are crying signifies a release of negative emotions that is more likely caused by some waking situation rather than the events of the dream itself. Your dream is a way to regain some emotional balance and to safely let out your fears and frustrations. In your daily lives, you tend to ignore, deny, or repress your feelings. But in your dream state, your defense mechanisms are no longer on guard and thus allow for the release of those feelings that you have repressed during the day.

To wake up crying represents some suppressed hurt or previous trauma that is coming up to the surface. You can no longer suppress these emotions. They need to be dealt with head on.

To dream that no one hears or responds to your cries represents your helplessness, difficulties and frustrations in trying to communicate with others. You feel that your words are falling on deaf ears. Perhaps your dream is telling you to be more vocal and work harder to get your point across.

Tears
To dream that you are in tears signify that you are undergoing a period of healing in your life. The tears symbolize compassion, emotional healing and spiritual cleansing. Alternatively, tears indicate pain.

To dream that someone is in tears indicate that you need to rethink your actions and how your behavior may be affecting those around you.

To see a teardrop in your dream represents some previous wisdom that you have learned or recalled.

Fighting
To dream that you are in a fight indicates inner turmoil. Some aspect of yourself is in conflict with another aspect of yourself. Perhaps an unresolved or unacknowledged part is fighting for its right to be heard. It may also parallel a fight or struggle that you are going through in your waking life.

To dream that you are trying to fight, but cannot throw your arms as hard as you want signifies lack of self-esteem and self-confidence in some area of your waking life. You are unsure of your next move. This dream may also reflect your actual state of REM paralysis during the dream state.

From this, I gather that I truly do have a self esteem problem. I tell people I am on cloud nine, but I must be truthful. I have a background on my phone that says “SICK SAD GIRL” and it couldn’t be more true. I am depressed and addicted to drugs. I am not really any better than my mother, except for I can function and hold a job for 8 hours a day, 5 days a week. I have a sadness, a problem that I have been ignoring.

I have been thinking to myself lately, “I’m obviously getting the better deal here. I get Jake, and all Jake gets is me.” I have been down on myself, considering myself less. I talk bad to myself when no one else is listening. I don’t pay attention to my needs. I ignore basic needs like good foods I should be eating instead of take out every night and simple things like basic hygiene. What are you doing, girl?

Jake sometimes mentions going up to Colorado to live. I secretly agree with him that I would love to go, but I always hesitate because of the way he treats me. When Jake is mad, he sees red and he says horrible things. He tells me to go back and live with my mom if I don’t like him, and it kills me everytime because I ain’t goin’ nowhere. Nowhere soon.

As soon as he gets out of that habit, we can move to Colorado. We can’t as long as he flings shit like that in my face. I won’t be right around the corner from mama’s anymore, will I??? It’s kinda surreal, in a way. Jake is terrified I’ll leave him, and I am terrified that he’ll leave me.

Survey

1: Happiest memory? I can remember the first time I felt fully and completely in love. I was maybe 16 years old, bidding goodbye to my first teenage love as he went to get in his car and drive home at the end of the night. My heart was flooded with love for him and I thought we’d be high school sweet hearts married and happy one day.
2: Saddest memory? Once, my grandmother said to me that she didn’t know whether or not her daughter (my mom) really loved her or not, because she felt so disrespected. It was the first time my heart ever broke.
3: A moment when you felt the most alone? It would have to be in the moments in the night after I broke up with my last boyfriend. I had no one, and I hated to go home, so I wandered around in my car at nights.
4: Greatest 3 sexual fantasies?

#1 Renting a fancy hotel room, riding in the back of an expensive stretch limousine, and having a fantastic dinner with champagne and chocolate covered strawberries when we return back to the hotel
#2 Foreplay galore for this fantasy- Blind fold me, kiss me all over, put delicious treats or syrups or honey or whip cream on my body and lick me all over. Use ice on me if you want, followed by your tongue.
#3 Be dominant and aggressive and tell me what to do. Might get a little rough, if I’m lucky 😉
5: Greatest hopes/aspirations/dreams? I greatly aspire to be a well-groomed, independent, fun-loving business woman. I want to have my own office and wear skirt pant suits and sexy glasses and heels and be noted for my authority within my realm.
6: What does love feel like to you? Love is glamour. Everyone who is in love is made beautiful by it. Love is wearing beautiful things, going out with the one you love to fancy, candle lit dinners and smiling so much your cheeks hurt. Love is being coveted, adored absolutely. Love is confidence, security, sexy, knowing, kind. Love is getting completely ate up in the other person, wanting to know everything of a person, inside and out. Love is complete devotion, couldn’t ever have it any other way. If you’re bread, I want to be butter to melt into you. Love is breathing a sigh of pleasure. Love is being cared for and doing things for each other out of the kind, gentle spirit of our softened, vulnerable hearts. Love is trust, love is bliss. Love is a leap of joy and faith. Love is wholeness in spirit and in the sheets. Love is crazy. Love is going slowly out of your mind.
7: Do you deal with affection well? Very well! I absolutely love me some P.D.A. ;]
8: How do you deal with stressful situations? I try to withdraw so I can collect my thoughts. It often times help to be isolated in a small, dark room like a closet to help calm myself. Otherwise, I excuse myself to the bathroom for a little privacy.
9: Do you ever catch yourself having a dirty thought about someone you shouldn’t? I used to have thoughts like that more often, but now such carnal temptations are of no use to me.
10: What is it that you fear most?

I fear getting caught with something illegal because of my mother, or her going into prison/jail in general. I also fear for the health of myself and my loved ones and pray that we do not develop diabetes/suffer heart attacks.
11: Who gives you the most strength? My Inner Goddess and desire to strive for a better life

12: You died, what is the after life like?

We create our own heaven, sometimes we may be young and beautiful and flawless or go to a happier time in our lives. I haven’t found Heaven yet but I imagine a strong husband to hold our little child in his arms, and our house living altogether and caring for the two lights of my life. In my heaven, my man knows how much I love him and respects me.

13: You’ve woken up beside your worst enemy, what is your first thought? Well hello self.

14: You’ve woken up beside someone who is not your current lover, what is your first thought?
I think to myself, what the fuck just happened?!? Musta got roofied somehow. I regret my choices.
15: You just found out that you’re pregnant, what do you do?

I freak out, but ultimately decide to keep the baby against my better judgement. I’m not ready for such a thing, but you have to step up to the base if your time arrives.
16: You’ve lost everyone you love, what do you do? Spin into a desperate depression and get heavily into drugs and isolate myself, crying all the time and never seeing the light of day.
17: The weirdest dream you’ve ever had? Once, I dreamt this brother and sister were going to visit their uncle at Gay Camp, like summer camp for gays, and they drove out into the middle of nowhere and there was a tree house of gay midgets wearing bright pink, blue, and purple. They passed the gay tree house and went down the road to a small gathering where a hippie style van painted all over housed their gay uncle, a painfully middle aged white man imitating the style of Lara Croft, Tomb Raider.
18: Share a journal entry.
A Positive Note for You~
When you are left Alone, there is Only You. And when you turn to your inner self, you will truly and finally understand what it is to love yourself. You must, for who can love you if you do not love yourself first? Think about it.
You are your only love who will never leave you. You are the only one is going to look out for what’s best for you, you are the only one who knows what you need and recognizes what it is that you truly want. Only you can deliver your truest pleasures, to thine own self be true. Only by accepting everything you are and are not, can you seize the opportunity for yourself to steal great happiness in life.
It is all about stopping talking bad to yourself. You would not speak that way to others, so why do you permit yourself to speak that way to yourself? You cannot be a victim, you are strong, you have all the weapons you need. We are all each of us born with certain traits and qualities and our job in life is to learn how to best employ them. If you squander your gift, now what kind of life have you chosen to live…?
19: Time is…. an endless march towards death & certain demise, the one thing that connects us all.
20: Pain is…. inevitable, but suffering is optional.
21: What are your most favorite memories of your past relationship with... Elizabeth, she and I used to walk the sidewalks of Yukon and visit the park, having deep talks.
22: What is something you wish you had right now?

I wish I had the doughiest, cheesiest pizza there ever was.
23: What do you hide on a daily basis from the ones you love? My depression and the fact that I’m seeing a therapist
24: Would you sneak around with someone your family despised? I don’t think I have the moxie to, because I might become afraid I’d get attached to the person and could no longer keep them a secret. And relationships shouldn’t be like dirty secrets, imo.
25: It’s the full moon, you have bitten an innocent, how do you deal with what you have done? I would most likely collapse onto my knees in the moonlit rain pouring down in my face as tears of blood stream down my face and I scream my agony into the night and lightning strikes.

Survey Fun

  • 1: What is your name and does it mean anything? Lacy, and no not in particular.
  • 2: How long have you known your best friend? Since I was 14, so 10 years.
  • 3: What position do you normally sleep in? On my right side with an arm under me and one leg curled up
  • 4: Were you a part of any “clique” in high school? The geeky one
  • 5: Who was your favorite teacher in high school and why? Mr. Thomas, my geometry teacher because he was the only teacher that cared to ask me if I was alright the year my life sucked the most.
  • 6: Do you wish to travel a lot? Not particularly.
  • 7: Did you participate in any sports while in school? I sure did not.
  • 8: Show a sample of your writing:

There was this babe lying there in the sun on the beach. And by babe, he meant this long-legged beautiful creature lounging on a florid beach towel. She lay exposed to the sun in her bikini, her body tan and muscular in all its splendor. Tiny beads of moisture shined on her flat stomach. When his eyes reached her dark head, he discovered her to be wearing dark sunglasses concealing her eyes, giving her a mysterious stranger aura and the sensual, satisfied smile on her face below the dark lenses welcomed the most entertaining thoughts.
If there were any day he could’ve been a ray of sunshine, he would have chose today, if only for the privilege to drape himself over that woman’s body as comfortably as the sun settled on her now.

  • 9: Have you ever given blood? No thnx.
  • 10: Do you like the way that you grew up? It was fine, I didn’t mind not having a dad around. He wasn’t around to miss.
  • 11: Do you like your siblings? Why or why not? I don’t have any.
  • 12: How did you meet your best friend and why did you become friends? We met our freshman year of highschool in english class. We became best friends our sophomore year when I started going to her house after school to have her help me with my geometry homework.
  • 13: Name one movie that made you cry. My Girl gets me everytime.
  • 14: Do you prefer to read poetry, write poetry, or neither? I prefer to read poetry and write prose.
  • 15: Things about someone that you find attractive? I find my boyfriend’s wide, ex-football player physique, thick neck,strong jaw, and big arms and hands all extremely attractive, he is so masculine it is enough to get me going alright 😉
  • 16: What song are you currently listening to? Of Monsters and Men – Little Talks
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ghb6eDopW8I
  • 17: Have you ever broken a bone? If so, how? N/A, I am a lucky duck. Busted my head open a few times tho.
  • 18: A random memory from you childhood: Head lice was like the plague in our neighborhood growing up, I can remember us publicly shaming one of the neighbor girls because she wanted to swim with us but the mother of the kids who owned the pool wouldn’t allow any of us in until we passed her test, and the fat red faced little girl China had to walk away in shame when the neighbor lady sent her home because she was the only one with lice.
  • 19: Where did you grow up? In a normal neighborhood with not really any crime with a couple kids my age
  • 20: What was the last thing you watched on tv? I am currently watching Daria.
  • 21: Do you think you’d make a good parent? Theoretically, yes, I do.
  • 22: Would you like to meet any of your Tumblr friends in person? I don’t have any tumblr friends anymore 😦
  • 22: What was the last dream you remember having? Directly from my dreamjournal-Bribery
    To dream that you are bribing someone indicates that you expect too much of others. You may be too demanding. In particular, if you dream that you are bribing a policeman, then you believe that you are above the law or rules. You think you can get away with being dishonest and deceitful.

    Drugs
    To dream that you are in possession of or taking drugs, signifies your need for a “quick fix” or an escape from reality. You may be turning to a potentially harmful alternative as an instant escape from your problems. Ask yourself why you need the drugs. What do you hope the drugs will achieve for you?

    Grandparents
    To see your grandparents in your dream symbolize love, security, wisdom and protection

    Hiding
    To dream that you are hiding suggests that you are keeping some secret or withholding some information. You may not be facing up to a situation or dealing with some issue. In particular, to dream that you are hiding from some authority figure (police, parent, teacher…) implies feelings of guilt.

    House
    If you see messy and/or dilapidated houses in your dream, then it implies that an aspect of your own life is in chaos. You may be suffering from some emotional or psychological clutter. You need to release these feelings in order to regain control.

    To dream that your house is broken into suggests that you are feeling violated. It may refer to a particular relationship or current situation in your life. Alternatively, it indicates that some subconscious material is attempting to make itself known. There are some aspects of yourself that you have denied.

    To dream that you are inside a stranger’s house indicates that there is something that you have yet to discover about yourself. It may mean that there are repressed memories, fears or emotions that you are not confronting.
    To dream of a dirty or messing room refers to an aspect of yourself that you are ashamed of or are refusing to acknowledge.

    Houseguest
    If you dream of an unwanted houseguest, then it indicates a realization that you are being taken advantage of in some area of your life.

    Marijuanna
    To dream that you are using marijuana implies that you are trying to escape reality. Perhaps you are trying to numb some emotional or psychological pain. Perhaps you feel that your identity and sense of self is being compromised or disrespected. It denotes a loss of control. You are trying desperately to escape. The dream may also be a reflection of waking drug use.
    To see or smell marijuana in your dream suggests that you are experiencing an expanded sense of awareness and consciousness. You need to take advantage and draw insight from this new consciousness. The dream may also mean that you need to look on your inner strength for stimulation instead of relying on outside forces.

    Panic
    To dream that you are in a panic indicates a lack of control and power in your life. You are feeling helpless in some situation or unable to make a clear decision.

    Raid
    To dream that you are in a raid represents your fears that some hidden aspect of your life will be discovered or made public

  • 23: When is your birthday? June 16th.
  • 24: How many pillows do you sleep with? About four or five, or one big hunky one 😉
  • 25: Do you wear glasses? If so, how long have you been wearing glasses? I do, and I have since I was 12 or so.
  • 26: What color is your hair? Dark brown, long.
  • 27: Name 5 facts about your appearance:-I have a nice smile, and I smile a lot.
    -I am 5’4″ and have been since middle school.
    -I have large breasts that are hard to ignore.
    -I have luxuriously awesome thick hair that I like to straighten into a sleek shine.
    -I am overweight and have bad posture.
  • 28: What is your favorite soda? I don’t like soda.
  • 29: What is a strange talent that you have? I’m double jointed in the fingers.
  • 30: How’s the weather right now? Dandy.
  • 31: Why did one of your friendships end? I found them boring. Them’s the breaks sometimes.
  • 32: Who do you miss right now? Sometimes I miss my ex, but only because I miss the dating style we had, which was more active than the current relationship I am in.
  • 33: Why did your last relationship end? My last relationship ended because he was a weight dragging me down, keeping me from succeeding in life.
  • 34: Are you still figuring out who you are? Most definitely.
  • 35: Have you ever been admitted to a hospital? Why? I’ve been to the emergency room for a severe allergic reaction to poison ivy but I have never been admitted, no.
  • 36: What is your favorite restaurant? It’s probably Park Harvey Sushi Bar and Grill, or else Zio’s or Italian food.
  • 37: What is a word that you always seem to spell wrong? judging
  • 38: Would ever adopt kids? Yes, actually, I think I could/would.
  • 39: What is your favorite kind of pizza? Alfredo pizza, Canadian bacon pizza.
  • 40: What was your first thought when you woke up this morning? “I’m siiiiiiiick.”
  • 41: When was the last time you got really really happy and why? I was immensely happy the other night lying down in bed with my lover. I was talking about how much I love and trust him and how lucky I am to have him, that he’s my one and only, and I would follow him anywhere. ❤
  • 42: What’s the strangest thing you’ve ever eaten? Perhaps squid???
  • 43: How do you start a conversation? Randomly, easily, with a question.
  • 44: What’s a band you’ve been obsessed with lately? Not band, but Lily Allen’s stuff has been captivating me here lately.
  • 45: Do you come from a family “of money?” Hell naw, we’re middle to lower middle class.
  • 46: Do you have a bucket list? I do, but it’s been some time since I looked at it.
  • 47: What is your favorite series of books? Harry Potter
  • 48: When was the last time you laughed so hard your stomach hurt? Earlier this year, can’t remember why though.
  • 49: Where do you go when you’re sad? The OKC Murrah Bombing Memorial, it is so peaceful there.
  • 50: 5 random facts about yourself:-I am seeing a therapist without the knowledge of my family.
    -I live with a man 13 years my senior and we have been dating 7 months, and he wants to marry me.
    -I secretly think about marrying him more often than I let on.
    -I obsessively listen to songs, and read and watch certain TV shows, often times playing them on loop forever.
    -Gone with the Wind is my absolute favorite book ever.