Re: Cheating

I was re-reading one of my previous blog posts. I just had this thought which does sound quite conceited, but….

Well, if I am honest, Hakim probably thinks of me as the one that got away. Just listen to this story:

Hakim and I began to lose interest in each other. As I have said, I needed a lot more sex than he was willing to provide so it was time for us to part ways. He was interested in seeing other people- I don’t think he was aware of my cheating. To my knowledge, he never knew… except about the emotional feelings I had for my bestie. He was aware of that.

We had a mutual break up.

ALWAYS HAVE AN EXIT STRATEGY

We agreed to start seeing other people. We were still going to see each other casually while we searched for other people to start dating. I was determined to be the one who left, not the one whom was left.

So I hooked up with the first guy to show remote interest in me. In comes the dumb ass Joshua into my life. My very mistaken, broken girl chapter of life *sigh* When I started seeing Joshua, I remember telling Hakim that I was moving on. I can’t remember if I felt good about it or not. It was bitter sweet if I remember right….

Hakim and I didn’t lose touch. I usually always remained friends with my exes. Hakim and I went out for sushi once. It was a few months after I had started dating Joshua. After we ate, we walked around the new Devon building and he shouted my name in the big open space. He said I was amazing, and that no one could compare to me. He missed me, and he knew what being with me would look like. He offered to let me move in with him and to take care of me. I stupidly said no, I was in love with someone else now. I will always, always regret that stupid decision.

So in his eyes, I rejected him. I was one of the best girlfriends he ever had and I didn’t want him back anymore. He came to see me in years past. He tried to see me right before I got married. What if he really thought I was the one that got away…?

If I told him what I really did to him, that would dispel that notion. Maybe it could even make him feel better to know he wasn’t missing out on something golden. Just a horny ho. Then he might feel glad we separated, and I could make a difference that way.

I hate that I thought of that. Am I supposed to make an attempt to make amends? It would be so messy and bad. I’m too close to my longing. I don’t want to reveal that ugly side. But that’s what’s fair, isn’t it?

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Day 4- Share a confession

I saw this image and it immediately made someone come to mind.

Recently, I did a “fun” experiment~ I decided to create my own “The List” inspired by My Name is Earl. I have been enjoying rewatching the series because it is a thoughtful, heart warming comedy for all it is about trailer trash. I think Earl is an attractive, morally right man if not in body and appearance necessarily. (Homey don’t float my boat, I just mad admire his character, does that make sense?)

I have been half heartedly attempting the 12 steps of the Al-Anon program. I always get caught up in step four) making amends for the wrongs you’ve committed. Approaching someone and doing something to gain closure/clear the air. It is so daunting, I feel like I can never face them or say what I really need to say to them.

Earl does it on a regular basis. He faces tough situations all the time, but he’s always able to endure whatever shit they dish out to him in retribution. When he works through their bad feelings, he’s able to forge a different kind of relationship with them and move past whatever slight he caused in the first place. I want to get to that healing place.

In making The List, I divided my deeds into different categories. There was a whole subsection of my past that belonged to Elizabeth and my poor mangled heart. In doing my list, I have to admit, it looks like I might regret getting espoused sometimes. The two figures from my past that caused me the most regret and the most to forgive were my two exes Elizabeth and Hakim. I wish I could have been with either of them sometimes.

My woes about Elizabeth keep me awake at night. The overall anxiety, sense of guilt, and unease in her presence. She used to be my closest friend and confidant, and now she is a fearless stranger roaming the streets for people’s rights. Talking to her did make me feel better. But the things I still won’t say~

“How to take back what I did? How to tell the world you were mine, when I was so afraid someone might find out? I think about the night we went to the foam party, and that girl asked us if we were girlfriends… I should have said yes, but I was scared. It’s no excuse. I’m sorry I played with your heart. I didn’t deserve you, and I’m sorry I ill-abused you and abandoned you. I didn’t like taking responsibility. I turned my head the other way.

I’m sorry that I picked Jake over you. I have always felt great shame when I consider the end of our friendship or should I say talking days…. You were so upset about the way I was letting myself be controlled in my relationship. I couldn’t hear what you were saying. I was making the best choice for me, even if it doesn’t look ideal to other people. Your disapproval made it hard for me to talk to you. I knew the depth of your feelings towards me also. I couldn’t handle it. I wasn’t ready, and I foolishly lead you on.

I’m sorry I pushed you away.”

Breaking Up is Hard to Do

My friend is in a bad relationship. The first clue should have been that he is technically married. He is a long distance sugar daddy. I can see the appeal in not leaving him- they weren’t dating very long when she wound up with one of his credit cards. He sent her gifts to the hotel all the time so that it was obnoxious and made all the other ladies jealous. He treated her well. They went on trips together once a month. He was very generous and they spoke on the phone everyday.

It got worse, though. He revealed himself to be the jealous kind. He would call up to our job and ask to speak to her, checking if she was really at work. When she was out and about, he would demand that she take a picture of whatever she was doing and send it to him. We live in Oklahoma and he lives in Florida~ he pressures her regularly about when she is going to move out to Florida and live with him.

For some people this would be a dream. Only he’s not physically her type. She gave him a chance but ultimately his life style and decisions are not the direction she wants to go. She is actually a divorcee and just got out of a relationship with an overbearing drug addicted philandering asshole who used to tell on her to her father. It’s a miracle she hasn’t gotten anything from him tbh. Why should she go from one domineering asshole to another clingy bastard that will only make her miserable?

She can’t bear to break up with her boyfriend. She couldn’t break up with her last one, either. She did the fade away as described in the wonderful song featured above. It’s so SILLY! Not wanting to end a relationship because you don’t want to hurt their feelings. That’s hurtful, too, guys. Because you have wasted someone’s time who may have been happy otherwise with someone who truly appreciated them. Prolonging the inevitable only makes it harder.

I have had some messy break up stories. I had to break it off abruptly with the rebound guy I was seeing after my first relationship ended. I was 20 years old, miserable and emotionally vulnerable, and I started dating a fellow I’d been crushing on for awhile. It was just six months after my break up and I was still head over heels in love with my ex. I still had hopes of getting back together so when we got together one night, I took full advantage of it and we had sex. The next day I felt horrible about my actions and decided to break it off with my rebound guy. He’d been cheated on in his past so I thought it was merciful of me not to mention what really happened.

But what did happen between me and the rebound was unfortunate. My timing was absolutely terrible, but in my eyes, it couldn’t be avoided. The guilt was too much for me to prolong our relationship or tell him the truth.

It was the week of my birthday and his mother (whom he lived with) had prepared a cake for me. He had called to ask me when I was coming over to have some when I broke the news to him πŸ˜› I know I shouldn’t laugh but it’s pretty comical to me after the fact. “OK, we’re breaking up and I’ll never see you again, but you have that cake to comfort you.” LOL I know I’m bad.

I told him I still had feelings for my ex which was true. (The ex and I had an amicable friends with benefits relationship after that, and we did get back together once but it didn’t work out ultimately.)

*~*

The next break up story came after that unfortunate fellow. That same summer, actually. He was a hippie with a thing for adderall. We met through mutual friends at a Pride event.Β  Our relationship took place almost entirely in the back seat of his car with the exception of public parks and bars. We dated for a couple of weeks. Our first date, he invited me to meet him for drinks at a bar.

That summer I was very confused and vulnerable, like I said. When my childhood crush came back from deployment over seas, I jumped at the opportunity to be with him. He came to my mother’s birthday party one night to drink and we hooked up. Everyone was very surprised when he came out of my room the next morning.

I was only casually dating the hippie. I did not consider what I had done cheating. (The hippie was talking to other girls also so he wouldn’t have cared.) My childhood crush and I were not exclusive either. It was a one time thing (that we knew of at the time). I don’t know why, it was somehow just something we both understood. A drunken hook up that I didn’t remember very well but cherished nonetheless. I later described this as “banging for my country.” It is the only charitable thing to do after all LOL

The thing that led me to break up with the hippie was actually minor. One night after making out in his car, he casually commented to me that “my mustache kind of freaked him out.” I could have DIED of embarrassment. I have peach fuzz but to out and out call it a mustache mortified me. By the end of the night, I knew I would no longer be seeing him anymore.

I decided to break it off with him where things had started. I invited him to the same bar we had our first date. After we had some drinks, I mustered up my courage in the parking lot to tell him the news. I was shocked by his response. We hadn’t been dating very long, but he started crying at the news! He wanted me to comfort him and it was very awkward. Thnx but nothnx, bye!

*~*

Fast forward a year. After a successful second long term boyfriend, we had a mutual break up. No drama. I found myself in the dating world again.

I stumbled upon a good looking cholo who thought the world of me. I met him randomly going to get my car worked on. He liked me a lot and was going to be respectful at the end of our first date. I didn’t let him, though.

I liked him so much and things were going so well that I managed to finagle us into a frenzied coupling in his big pick up truck. We were parked in a residential area as we got our freak on. I was scandalized afterwards when he threw the used condom out onto the street!! Haha, weird standard I guess, but hey! Hump me in a parking lot, but don’t throw the evidence out into the world for everyone to see! Plus think how inconsiderate that is of children in the area. Like be a fucking gentleman and put that shit in your pocket or literally ANYWHERE else.

He called me to hook up again, but I never returned any of his phone calls. I never explained to him what had so turned me off. He tricked me one day by calling from a different number and said that his friends told him I had “one and done’d him” lol

Sorry, the truth is gross πŸ˜›

****And these are some of my weirder break up stories

It’s A Small World After All

Alternative title: Almost, But Never Was

The other day I went shopping at Wal*Mart and I ran into an old acquaintance. Of all people, I ran into Asta- Hakim’s Grandma. It was a pleasure seeing her. One thing I regret about discontinuing the friendships I had with my exes was my right to know about their loved ones~ Both Tyler (my first bf) and Hakim had grandmothers that I adored and they liked me, too.

Hakim’s family called her Dada, which is what I always knew and called her by as well. Seeing her was so weird and funny because it just reminded me of how different my life could have been. I kick myself every time I think about how I chose Joshua, the no-good drunk of my life, over Hakim, a perfectly stable and nice young man who loved me and missed me. He tried to get me back after we broke up, and I stupidly chose Josh thinking I was deeply in love.

Deeply deranged in the head, maybe.

If I had chosen Hakim back then, he would have likely became my husband instead. I love Jacob so very much, but I wonder sometimes how much happier I could have been with Hakim. Hakim and I were very similiar, that’s why we made a good couple. We were both sensitive people who enjoyed the same things, were spontaneous and liked to be involved in cool things. My relationship with him was easily one of the most stable relationships I ever had, and I miss those times sometimes. We had a lot of fun together. We had a lot of common interests.

We went out all the time. Hakim had a very good job and he drove a nice car. He was so sweet and thoughtful and generous. He bought people presents just because~ for no reason, he just wanted to spread cheer. The first date we ever had remains the best first date I ever went on to this day.

I suppose I’ve been thinking about it because I am slightly disappointed in some aspects of my marriage. I dislike how stagnant things are sometimes. Jake is stingy when it comes to going out. He refuses to go to expensive restaurants. In fact, the last nice place we went for dinner was an absolutely miserable date because he thought we might end up spending $60 on the Β meal, including the tip amount *rolls eyes*

I crave the experience of dressing up and going out. I want to look nice and be on my husband’s arm, have him be proud to take me somewhere rather than grudging. I haven’t felt very attractive lately in his eyes either. I feel like I am starving for compliments and sweet endearments. I just want him to say nice things about me to me, and how pathetic is it when you have to ask???? No bueno.

Our sex life is pretty much in the same boat. We never do anything new, and it’s not my fault. I might be just a little too adventurous for Jake. And by that, I mean I actually enjoy and want to try different forms of foreplay but to him that would just be a big waste of time. He’s too impatient to get on to the sex, and I never feel wooed. Just pressured. Our sex is like clock work, something I have to do in a timely fashion before he freaks out that I haven’t offered. God forbid he spend some time making out with me or heavy petting me to put me in the mood, oh no.

He doesn’t kiss me passionately. He doesn’t stare into my eyes like he loves me. I know he does, I just sometimes wish he could be more expressive about things. S0metimes I feel like we lack intimacy since he rushes things so much.

We’re definitely comfortable together, though. We have fallen into a routine. Come home, smoke, eat until it’s time to have sex and go to sleep. We both love to eat. We eat out of boredom. We both have been known to binge eat. We both love playing on our computers and watching the same TV shows. I am happy. I have found what I was looking for when I first got together with Jake;

β€œWhat I want is to be needed. What I need is to be indispensable to somebody. Who I need is somebody that will eat up all my free time, my ego, my attention. Somebody addicted to me. A mutual addiction.”
― Chuck Palahniuk, Choke

I needed someone who would never tire of me. I somehow got what I wished for; Jake is obsessed with me, I am his one and only. I am his wife and his best friend. Jake doesn’t like to spend time with anyone else, he has no other friends. I am his everything. He wants to be by my side always, literally. The only time I can be away from him is when I am at work. It gets tiring, but they do say “Careful what you wish for.”

Something Hubby and I have been doing it catching up on all the latest and greatest shows on TV. I feel like all the characters on Hulu are my friends now. These fictional characters took the place of my real friends. Lately we binge-watched the latest season of Walking Dead and I would be remiss if I didn’t share one of my favorite things from season 7:

Over You

I had a very interesting conversation with my boyfriend recently. In an unusually candid moment between us, we found ourselves having an in-depth, real conversation about our exes… Not just any ex though. Our first Loves.Β He was astounded by how sure I sounded when I told him that I Am Over Tyler. Because, you see, I don’t think he has ever gotten over having his heart broken for the first time. He’s guilty of the same crime my ex did which is not dealing with a problem and “getting rid of it” by ignoring it. But that doesn’t make these painful things go away. It’s been over 5 years since that girl broke his heart and I have no idea what she did to him because he still finds it so difficult to talk about. Sometimes he has dreams about her which bum him out for a large portion of the day or he’ll see a picture or hear a song that reminds him of her and it makes him sad for awhile.

Whereas I explained the process I went through to him. It was excruciatingly painful but I woke up everyday and thought to myself, “He doesn’t love me anymore. He’s not the right person for me.” And the fact that he didn’t treat me right anymore helped. We still saw each other casually after our break up in January 2010 and our dalliances left me confused and infuriated at myself because I knew I was worth more then what was going on. I just loved him so much I let it go on and on. Because I thought he was worth it, when really, he wasn’t anymore. He might have been in the best times of our relationship but after our break up, he continually showed me just how little he thought of me or cared for me and it killed me. But the point is- I processed it on a near day-to-day basis.

And while I am nowhere near over the issues and insecurities that break up instilled me, I can safely say that I no longer have feelings for Tyler. I wish we were friends and that he cared about me enough to be casual friend, but alas, he does not. Even so, I still care about him and like to know how he is feeling and what is going on in his life so I check up on him from time to time. There is still something about him I like even as he has changed his entire personality and viewpoints since we broke up two years ago. I suspect he will stay with me forever, because, well…he was my first love. But that doesn’t mean I’m not allowed to move on.

I told Hakim that I supposed everyone moved on in different ways. It was sad because he told me that losing that girl he obsessed over was like losing something very valuable and dear, like a huge diamond. I said to him that maybe he just needed to find a bigger gem, something even more valuable. Because that seems to work for many thousands of people all over the world and all in the movies. *shrug*

What do you think it takes to move on?