Get to Know Me Survey

  • What does your ideal day look like?
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    An afternoon spent outdoors, reading a book with nowhere to be.
  • What did you want to be when you were younger? A writer, songwriter. When I was really young I wanted to be a singer like Selena 😛
  • Who are you most inspired by? Why? I am inspired by my husband and his pragmatic view on life, and his loving nature. He’s went through a lot but he still helps those who are less fortunate.
  • Who would you love to meet? What would you ask? Harriett Tubman. I would just want to hear more about her experience working for the Union during the Civil War.
  • What habit would you most like to break? What habit would you most like to start?
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    Smoking would be a good habit to kick for my health. I would like to someday be the type of person who gets exhilarated at the thought of working out. (Currently, that is the not the case.)
  • Think of a person you truly admire. What qualities do you like about that person? In my career, I have found myself thinking of my previous boss Latta lately. I want to be as good at my job as he was. He was a very supportive and cool boss. He got to know you, talked and joked with you, and bought you lunches- sent you on runs when you got stressed and needed to get away. More than anything, he trained you to do your job well so his would be less of a headache. He was an empathetic leader, rather than boss.Image result for leader boss
  • How do you like to relax? Relaxing with soft music and candlelight in the bathtub
  • When was the last time you did something you were afraid of? It was in my career. The last thing I was afraid to do was apply for the front office manager position a few months back. I was terrified because I didn’t really want all the stress that went with all the responsibilities. It worked out for me, because I didn’t get the position. My manager did not feel I was ready, and I hated to agree with her.
  • What are you most proud of? I am proud that my life doesn’t revolve around alcohol and getting fucked up, forgetting myself, anymore. I have moved past that urge and stage of my life, all because of my husband.
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  • What are you most afraid of? Probably being raped, or held up at gunpoint or a scenario where both of these events are likely i.e. the apocalypse or zombies
  • If life stopped today, what would you regret not doing? I would die regretting how things have become between my mother and my self. I can (and am) write a novel about the sorrow and disappointments that we’ve had together.
  • Who would you like to connect (or reconnect) with? Why? I miss my Grandpa. He has always supported me and loved me, even if he doesn’t know me that well. It’s not anyone’s fault, we’re both just busy and the whole family has fallen apart since Granny died.
  • What qualities do you admire in others? Creativity, quirkiness, outgoing behavior
  • What practical skills do you wish you had? I wish that I could master basic cooking and/or baking. Skills in the kitchen would be nice. I would also like to know how to clean and cook fish properly but never done that before.
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  • Imagine you’re in your 90s. What memories would you like to have? What stories do you want to tell? I would tell about the enormously successful life I’d had as a published author and screenwriter and all the money I earned; the nice house I lived in with all my foster children and loving husband.
  • What is your favorite book/movie/song? Why?
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    My favorite book in the entire world is Gone with the Wind. I am rereading it for the 8th year in a row as I do traditionally. These two characters were made for each other in a way that no other two people have ever been. The world that Mitchell created is so immersive and well-crafted. I loved how the characters went so well together and I absolutely loved the character of Melanie Wilkes. She reminded me of my grandma; a great lady. The way that Scarlett changed as the world changed around her was very gripping and hard to put down.
  • If you could make one change in the world, what would it be? I would take down Mcdonalds/discourage widespread commercialism for fast food restaurants/make America slimmer & healthier/make healthy food popular, fast, and easy to get
  • What do you love to do for, or give to others (not an object – something from you personally)? I like to give compliments to people.
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  • What excites you? Art and writing; geeky TV shows
  • What do you wish you did more of? I wish that I worked out more, and worked on my art/collages more often. I am much more creative than I have acted lately.
  • Pretend money is no object. What would you do? Buy a new house and hire a professional decorator to do the house. Build a tree house in the backyard. Get a bitchin’ car. Pay for my mother’s rehab. See a therapist regularly.
  • What area of your life, right now, makes you feel the best? The best section of my life right now is my marriage. My career has been in a rut, and my family life is dismal.
  • Which area makes you feel the worst? Why? The family life is bad, and it’s bad because none of us are putting in any effort. We never try to see each other anymore. We’re all “busy” and we don’t know each other anymore. Splintered, apart. Sad.
  • Let’s jump forward a year. What would you like to have achieved in the past year? I would like to secure a better paying job and tweak my career some. I am open to new avenues and exploring different options. I’d like to have a job that was monday through friday, sitting at a desk somewhere. Making a lot more money, sitting comfy. I want to have gotten rid of a substantial amount of our shared debt.
  • What piece of advice would you give to five year old you? Sixteen year old you? Twenty-one year old you? Right now?
    Five: “Don’t let everyone push you around, you deserve your own opinions just like anyone else.”
    Sixteen: “When Granny goes into surgery, spend more time with your mother. She’s scared and anxious and she just needs you around. Be more patient; go with her to the shops when she goes to look at plants. It doesn’t matter that you hate plants and find it boring. Don’t be an asshole and sit in the car reading manga ignoring her. She needs you, you’re going to be her only person. It feels weird and tense right now, but your rocky relationship with your mother is only going to get worse. She’s going to fail you someday, and you should concentrate on trying not to be so disappointed when it happens. Be strong.”
    Twenty-one: “You’re doing you, just fine! You’re going to look back on these days fondly. But for heaven’s fucking sake, when Joshua comes into your life with his poetry and artistic streak, don’t be tempted. He will ruin you, and there’s nothing beautiful about it. Don’t risk yourself on him. Get back together with Hakim immediately when he asks.” (A Great Regret of My Life)
    Now: “You need to care more about yourself, try harder. It takes effort to maintain a positive attitude, but you can’t afford to let your depression overwhelm you and take control of your life. You’re not your best when you’re depressed, so fight it. Pay attention. Be mindful.”
  • How do you want to be remembered in life? Someday, I want to be the kind of Mom my Granny was to me. I want to love some little light with all my might. I want to love them, praise them, and turn a blind eye to all their faults. I will build them up, make them loved and supported. I want to be the kind of mom that doesn’t have to scold you, the look of disappointment on her face is enough to make you feel ashamed. I want to raise good kids, whether they are my own or not. I just want to share my love and make the world a better place by raising children to be empathetic, kind adults.
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Dads & Drugs

Today, I was vexed when I looked down at my cellphone and saw it was my dad calling. My biological dad, not my first dad. It is tiresome how I always have to clarify whom I’m talking about when I say “my dad.” Who, Eddie, the man who believed was my father for over 20 years? Or my second dad, my real dad, whom I’ve only known for less than 3 years? And he has literally spent half of that time incarcerated.

I am really resentful that he landed himself in jail again. Both he and my mom were addicted and also running their own game. It was simple, Johnny got caught and got thrown in jail. That was over a year ago. He told me today that at the beginning of 2017, he should be moving to a half way house in Oklahoma City. I thought it was incredibly tactful of my dad not to bring up the fact that I haven’t written him. I don’t normally take his calls, or return his texts with any frequency. I have chosen to freeze him out, make him feel my absence while he is gone so he won’t take advantage of our time together. He treats my mother poorly even though he’s inside and she’s outside and still heartily dedicated to him.

I don’t actually like my biological dad. He has been a harbinger of chaos in my mother’s life. We have a complicated relationship. He thinks the world of me and speaks very highly of me, so it’s hard to have hard feelings towards him when he’s so nice to me. But at the same time, everything he says to me is a lie and I expect him to fall right back into his old ways again when he gets out. I don’t trust him or my mother to do the right thing. I desperately want them to live a drug free life and stay out of trouble, but one must wonder if that’s like asking a cheetah to change it’s spots……

I want to have faith, I just feel so drained.

Don’t disappoint me anymore. I hate hearing from my biological dad. When he texts me or calls me, it upsets me because he’s trying to get in when I’m trying to build a stone wall to keep him out. Leave me alone. Learn your lesson. I don’t have any use for either of my parents if they are on drugs and in danger of getting thrown back into jail.

I’ve always lived by the saying, “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.” That explains my silence towards Johnny. I want him to feel my condemnation, but I fear I can’t tell him anything about how I feel. It’s unkind to send a fellow in prison mean letters, so I just don’t say anything. He wants to hear from me, and I get agitated when I think about forging a connection with him. Stay away from me until you’re ready to do better. It’s so hard to set boundaries with people. I agonize frequently over whether or not to send him a letter with my clear expectations, No. 1 on the list:

Get & maintain a legitimate job
Pay Your Bills
Stay Off Drugs
Remain loyal to each other

Can that really be too much to ask? My mother and father’s relationship can be explosive like dynamite. One week they’re besotted with each other and talking everyday and other weeks, she asks me if I have heard from him at all. They fight, and they bounce back together. He gives her a lot of shit that in my mother’s past life, she would never ever have taken from a man. I don’t think he deserves her sometimes, and most of the time I think he’s a loser and I’m upset with her for wanting him so much, so they can do bad together.

But at least they’re together that way.

1 Million & 1 Thoughts Presented By Me

When I look in the mirror, I don’t recognize you. “Ooooh, I wanna make up my mind, but I don’t know myself.” -Mike Snow

If you’ve ever read the book Revolutionary Road by Richard Yates might be familiar with this concept. You become deeply depressed and mentally disturbed by the fact that you don’t actually know what you want- that’s why you do what you do, why you infuriate you- you don’t know what you’re doing, you don’t know what you want. And if you don’t know either of those, then you don’t know yourself.

It’s a horrible feeling when you stop to think about it. That’s just it, you don’t think about it most of the time. You play your life on loop day after day, and before you realize it you’re sobbing uncontrollably and losing your shit. You didn’t realize you were so unhappy, and the shit hits the fan all at once. You feel a tremendous amount of anxiety and grief, a horrible feeling of somehow being out of control of yourself. So melancholy and suddenly obsessed with all these perceived short comings now that you’re thinking about it.

I’ve been stressed at work lately. The schedules keep falling to shit and we are desperately short on people and I feel pretty pressed most of the time. I get too many people in my face and this weekend played havoc on my stress and anxiety levels. It was just wall to wall people, completely sold out for several nights in a row and to top it off we had a loud, family reunion congregating in my lobby and the amount of noise was out of control. I felt transported to back when there were pep rallies at school and how loud it was. I could barely stand people to talk to me and add one more thing to my list to do. I hated people on Thursday, I was ill all day and having a bad digestion day. I popped at least 4 anxiety pills that day.

Then, on Friday before it was time to go into work, I had an anxiety attack at my home. I was contemplating getting ready for work and doing my hair, and suddenly I noticed my hands were shaking and I was short of breath. I was slightly late because I had to make myself calm down before I could drive to work.

So, as you might have surmised, things are not necessarily going well with the new boss. She is letting me do things I would rather drop. I use to do a lot of the role because I was trying to get the job, and now it’s my turn to let go of a little. But that’s not what’s happening….

I feel like the new boss isn’t measuring up. I guess I was expecting a lot better, but instead this lady is gutzilla and is messier than me!! I tried so hard to be clean and make a first good impression, and the first day I met her, she left a huge mess for me to clean! And that has been a pattern for her so far, unfortunately. I dislike it heartily. I’m having to train my new boss and it’s aggravating. I want her to take more initiative. That’s not too much to ask.

Small things make me happy too, sometimes. I awoke from a wonderful dream earlier today. In my dream, the whole family was there. It was still sad news, because Granny was sick but not with diabetes. We were all seeing her off, like a final good bye party but at this party everyone was happy. She had both her legs and was standing next to Grandpa arms linked, and she was youthful and happy, her smile exuberant. I only remember it being that way in pictures. We were all wishing her goodbye.

I’ve felt particularly wistful about her lately, what with my nuptials and all. I feel excited because I know she will be present, she would not miss my day. Even beyond the grave, Granny will come to me and I will her spirit to enter the room, gladden everybody’s hearts. She was such a wonderful woman, and it will feel wonderful to feel her near again. I’ve missed her so much. Please help heal everyone, all of us, even beyond the grave. Your reach is that far, you can still reach us. I know you can help mend my mother, you can help my aunt and me, too. You always did. I miss you so much.

These are strange times we live in

Strange But True vol. V

I visited with my mother, my aunt, and her boyfriend today. It was a pretty unpleasant experience actually. I hate to admit it, but my mother is poison that just friggin’ kills me. My Aunt Rob is very disapproving of her addiction as well. Rob only stays in town for one night usually because she doesn’t like being around my mom on drugs. She doesn’t bring her kids anymore because Mom is like how she is. It breaks my heart. It kills me.

My mom’s on her own, and she’s doing horrible. No one’s taking care of her, and I can’t. It’s too hard. I can’t, and I know that isn’t a good excuse. It feels horrible to know someone who won’t help themselves.

It was hard enough for me when I dated an alcoholic. Now I have an uncomfortable view of and relationship with my mother because of her drug addiction. I don’t come around because I don’t like her lifestyle, and her absence in my life makes me feel horrible. I don’t like to talk to her or be around her because I just can’t handle it. Being around er reminds me that I am failing her, and I feel ashamed of myself. I feel ashamed of her. I am resentful, and hopeless with despair.

My mom asked my aunt to talk to me. My mom still wants to invite her shithead friend Shelley to my engagement party. I do not like this bitch. I don’t care that she keeps my mom from being lonely. I don’t like her because she encourages my mom’s lifestyle and probably is stealing from her. I don’t trust the woman. And when my mom asked if she could have an invitation, I immediately felt hesitant because I knew if I felt the need to warn my mom she’s not allowed to be on drugs at the party because of Shelley, then I don’t want that fuckin’ bitch there.

However, she is my mom’s closest friend right now so I am in between a rock and a hard place. I am so upset at my mother for doing so badly and not being able to pull herself out of it. I am angry at her. I don’t know what I should do. Rob and I talked about mom going to rehab, and by God if it doesn’t sound like what she’ll need. I can’t help her. I can’t be there for her. She needs more help than I provide.

I want to show my mother I care about her, and that I need her to make this change. Mom. I miss you. I can’t stand that you’re letting this happen to you. I think it would be best for you if you went with Grandpa, and take Zeus with you. My mom needs to go somewhere she doesn’t know anybody and get away from the life and people she’s around now. I love you mom but you need it, you need to get away. I’ll miss you more than anything while you’re gone, but I want you to get better. I need you to get better. I need you, and I’m scared of losing you.Please go away, so you can come back. You can become stronger, you can do better. I know you can.

Strange but True vol. II

What kind of t-shirt are you?
Happy Girls Are The Prettiest  by hopealittle:

You Are a Basic T-shirt

You are a very humble, low maintenance person. You find contentment easily. You are easy-going and very social. You like being around other people more than anything else.

Some may accuse you of being lazy, but you just don’t work any harder than you need to.

You are happiest when things are kept casual. You think formality is a lot of unnecessary fuss.

As of late, I have been gathering all my contacts information for Jake and I’s engagement party. I am so excited for this event!! As much as I hate it, my Grandpa has been making me make arrangements through Rhonda for things for the party. Normally a woman I never talk to, it’s been kind of a strain on me trying to get it done. We don’t know each other well, me and Rhonda and she has the unfortunate position in our family of having been the woman our beloved matriarch was cheated on with. It’s not necessarily her fault because let’s face it it takes two to tango.
Speaking of the horizontal dance, I called my Aunt Rob to iron out some details for the party. As usual, I was on the phone with her at length and conversation turned towards her own illicit behavior, because we were talking about Grandpa.
(Background info: Rhonda found out that he was cheating on her with a woman in South Dakota. She’s been mad at anyone who knew about it, i.e. mom and J.R. and possibly me if mom texted Grandpa about the hotel room I got him. It’s weird because I’m pretty sure I’m on her shit list also, but I’m at least trying, you know?)
Rob cheats on her husband, and one of the reasons I called was to clarify that I wanted my engagement party to be A FAMILY EVENT. That means you and your husband and children, dammit, not you and your boyfriend you get drunk with. I find it very odd that this is a clarification I have to make in my family. And it’s not the first time, either.
On my 21st birthday, my Aunt Rob asked to bring a different boyfriend back then instead of her family. It was fucking weird. I felt so bad for Dave, and still do. She was super inclined not to bring him along, and he admittedly hates visiting our side of the family. But I still wanted him to feel included, so I felt the need to specify with Rob. Ugh lol -_- I guess we’ll see what happens.
Postsecret of the week:
sisterfrida

Moral of the story: You don’t get to choose your family.