Locking it Down

invitation2

I have officially locked down the wedding venue and the wedding dress!! *SQUEE!!!!*

Next on the list:

  • Clergyman to officiate
  • Linens to rent
  • Order cupcake stand/cake
  • Hire caterer
  • Find photographer

Wedding Countdown Ticker

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Marital Relations

Jake and I had a big fight last night. He decided to be an utter asshole when I invited my cousin and mother over to the house in the middle of the night. It was about midnight, and Jake and I are up all night anyways. Jake immediately got hot under the collar when I told him they were coming, reminding me how little sleep he got before going into work that day. OK, so??? Like you weren’t going to be up all night with me anyhow. I know for a fact we were up until at 3 in the morning that night, if not later!

I had been trying to compromise from the get go. First my cousin asked if I would meet him at my mother’s house, and I told him no and invited him over so that me nor Jake would have to leave the house. I thought that would be better than me leaving him at the house, or worse, trying to convince him to go to mom’s.

As predicted, he was really irritated about them coming to the house. And when I ventured to him that perhaps we might go over to mom’s house for just a short while, that pissed him off more. He didn’t want to leave the house, and he got super pissed at me I guess from the lack of sleep but really because he can be an A-Class asshole sometimes.

Long story short, about 10-15 minutes after I made the plans with my cousin, I had to suppress my tears from our fight long enough to appear calm and call my family. I made a lame excuse that Jake had just reminded me we were supposed to go to the gym to save face for him, and that was that. Jake still proceeded to look at me like I was crazy, and he continued the fight for another 2 hours or so reminding me constantly that I’m selfish and I don’t care about him and maybe I should just leave if I want to party all night. Yeah, spending some time with two other people in my family is REEEEAAAALLY PARTYING IT UP MY FRIEND >_<

He made me so mad and made me feel like dog shit on his shoe. He ground me into the ground, stepping on me over and over again, telling me how I make stupid decisions and I make him feel sluggish and unmotivated. Like I’m the worst person in the world and I’m the one that’s doing him so wrong, like I’m not the only one in his corner urging him on. I am his only friend, I put up with him day and night and I’m willing to do so because I love him. But he sure did make me feel bad last night.

The feeling continued into today. He seemed kind of cool towards me and it made me worry that what he said in heat was what he really meant. He said he didn’t want to be with me if I was going to keep him from his goals, his primary being to pass the national certification test. ONE NIGHT, I got irritated that he was playing a tutorial on youtube and netflix on another tv. The conflicting noises annoyed me, and I told him to turn his tutorial down. Ever since then, he says he’s not allowed to study around me and that I’m holding him back by not going to the gym with him more often or letting him study. I’m okay with both of those, I argued with him that just because ONE NIGHT I’m annoyed, that doesn’t mean the rest of his days he isn’t allowed to study, FUCK!!! He annoys me tremendously and has been sliding back into a suspicious mindset.

He gets upset whenever I am late from work. SORR-EEEEE I WORK FOR A GODDAMN LIVING. Occasionally, instead of leaving at 11:00pm as I am scheduled, I end up leaving a little late finishing up this or that at work. I used to be sneaky and claim to be late when I was really planning an outing, but NEWSFLASH: I don’t have illicit outings anymore. I have not been doing any shady dealing for a very long time. I gave that stuff up when I decided I wanted to marry him, BEFORE that even. I just don’t get how he can still judge me by my past so harshly when I forgive every other slight that he wounds me.

It’s definitely not fair, but then, who said life was fair? He’s been disconcerted lately because we’ve barely had any days off together in the past 2 months or so. I haven’t made it a priority to get those days off together and now I see that is a mistake. I will have to be more adamant in the future that I at least get one day off with Jake to ease his anxiety. I think he really just misses me, so I shouldn’t be so paranoid about the mean things he says when he’s mad. Maybe he didn’t mean it.

Horror of horrors if he did.

Once Upon a Time spoilers!

What do you need to be happy?
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You Need Friends to Be Happy

You are a friendly, social person. You seek out connections and relationships. Being close to others is very important to you, and you don’t like discord.

You feel great when you’re cooperating and working with others. You enjoy belonging to a group.

Nothing makes you feel worse that feeling alone or alienated. You want to be liked by those around you.

It would truly be nice to make acquaintances with some of my old friends again. A lot of the time though, I feel it’s impossible. I am so far away from what I used to be– I used to avoid seeing them because I couldn’t afford to be friends with them AND make Jake happy. He didn’t like it (still doesn’t) when I made plans with other people, took away from his time with me. He needed to dominate all my time, but once we’re married he’s going to have to get a little cooler with that.

Speaking of friends, Jake and I are considering something. Something exciting!!! We maybe want to get married sooner rather then later!! ***SQUEE*** I always thought I wanted the big wedding where we all (family & loves ones) congregate but when I saw how much my family was willing to help me achieve this, it made me feel discouraged from doing that. I can see more and more PROS to having a small, intimate ceremony. It would be a lot less stressful for us and cost effective. But there’s so much to plan in such little time!!

Things to Do Before Then:

~ Go buy dress
~ Make Save The Date announcements
~ Let appropriate family members know
~ Get hotel room at employee rate
~ Find a place to dine near courthouse for family

WHERE THERE’S A WILL, THERE’S A WAY!!!

Unlike for this couple and the HORRIBLE, HEART WRENCHING way they have ended. *drowns self in river of tears* I must admit, in some ways I’m kind of glad Emma will have to move on because everyone else has had to- there is no getting your loved ones back, no matter what. It wouldn’t be fair to everyone else, and it’s horrible that they had to end nevertheless TOT

‘Their last hand holding, I will never let you go, seems to be said between the two of them. I was so heartbroken when watching this scene. The end of Hook *river of tears forever*

Goodbye Hook :((((((

We will miss your wit and charm. We will miss your swagger and your devilishly handsome good looks. We will miss the way you opened the Savior’s heart and did everything in your power to make her happy, helping her to save her son and her family. He chased her through time, and she followed him to the afterlife. They were Dark Ones together, and now their chapter together is over. True Love Conquered, but perhaps it will rise again.

Strange but True vol. IV

I discovered something online today quite by accident. I was browsing through my tumblr feed and I stumbled upon a fetish sigh, a Daddy/Little site. When I visited the site and scrolled down the pages, my interest grew more and more. I started researching this dominant/submissive relationship style and these are just a few of the things I found-

(I did not write the following.)

What Does A Daddy Mean to Me?

What is a Daddy Dom?

A Daddy Dom wants to be the centre of your universe. He wants to be able to provide for your every need and care. But more than that he wants to be able to shape and mould you to the image he thinks you should become. He sees in you someone who can achieve a much higher, much greater status. He believes more in you than you believe in yourself. What he wants in return is to be able to bask in his image of you, the image he has created. To achieve these goals he relies on a combination of love, respect, and discipline.

His love for his little girl goes without saying. He loves her as much for who she is as for who she will become with his guidance. She is his prized possession. His eyes light up when she walks into the room and he takes great pride in her successes. After all, he helped to create her. She holds the most tender part of his heart and has the greatest power to hurt him.

This love would not be possible without respect. A Daddy Dom needs to feel pride in his little girl. He needs to know she can hold her own in the outside world and still submit to him. He holds the greatest respect for the gift she has given him and takes great pains to increase it’s value. It is extremely important to him to know she can be with any man and she chooses to be with him.

He knows that this makes discipline a priority in their lives, more important than in some other D/s relationships. In order for the little girl to really trust, she must know he means what he says. If his little girl is going to be the best she can possibly be he must stand firm. He uses his experience in life and his knowledge of her to provide proper direction and punishment when the need arises.

If he does not enforce discipline, this respect becomes a tenuous thing. If his submissive finds that she can manipulate him out of punishing her, she begins to lose respect and the ability to empower becomes impeded. He understands that it becomes increasingly difficult to be possessed by someone you do not respect.

This takes great strength on his part. It takes strength to control her, and to shape her to his needs and desires. It takes strength to be her confidant, her shoulder, her anchor. It takes strength to let her out into the world when all he wants to do is hold her safe in his arms. And it takes strength to do what is necessary when she needs to be disciplined.

A Daddy Dom provides something else that is very important to his submissive…acceptance. She is safe in his arms because he knows her, everything about her, and he still loves her. When she goes to him she knows that this man knows all of her dirty little secrets and it doesn’t matter. To him she is beautiful.

I think most Dominants have a bit of the Daddy in them, taking on the role of male authority figure in the submissive’s life and using their power to enrich that life. Daddy/little girl verbalizes that feeling, and adds a dimension of warmth, caring, and ritual that it’s participants crave.

A Daddy Doms traits.
(found here)

A Daddy Dom for me is a man who is mature, loving and caring. He sees himself as a caregiver, an alfa protector. He worships his little girl from above, not from below. He get to know her so deeply that he can tell when she is good to herself and when she’s not. Then he steps in and corrects, puts up rules and regulations. Only when it’s good for his little girl. He spoils her with love and affection and is never cheap with words or other proof of his affection.

He is a true father figure. He likes to take care of others and find satisfaction in seeing his little girl blossom. He finds personal pleasure in making his little girl into the best person she can be.

He is a dominant which means that he takes charge in sexual situations as well as in situations of danger or need. He knows that spanking and other BDSM-related activities strengthen their bonds to each other and gives his little girl pleasure, comfort and other emotionally valuable results.

He takes pleasure in seeing his little girl light up at his presence but also her dark glittering eyes as he controls her in bed.

A Daddy Dom is very proud of his little girl. Often she has is a leader or strong career women outside of their relationship but within the walls of their private space she is his little girl. Free to be little as well as sexually craving without boundaries.

To me a Daddy/little girl relationship has nothing to do with age and more to do with the type of relationship the two have together. The Daddy is the nurturer, the safe one and the object of sexual obsession for his little girl.

Little girls tend to be very obsessive about their Daddies. One might even say needy for Daddy’s attention and his body. Daddies will probably understand what I mean. She may have a successful career, be top in her field but she knows Daddy is always there for her in their private world together. She looks to Daddy for love, comfort and He is her sexual desire. She looks up to Daddy, admires him, and trusts him.

Daddy feels needed, adored and worshipped by his little girl. He is almost everything to her. His little girl will do almost anything to please Daddy, to make him happy.

He will always listen to her opinions, thoughts and feeling, because he is interested in her mind as much as he is her body.

A little girl is honest and trustworthy to her Daddy and his private thoughts, desires and actions. It will be her place to relax, where she can show all her emotions without holding back, be free.

The more I read, the more I started to recognize what my own relationship is. The way they talk about their relationship in this article is how I feel about my partner. I absolutely trust, adore, and want Jake in every way. I find the term “Daddy” unsettling but I’m sure the more it rolls around in my head I could get used to it. It truly is how things are in Jake and I’s relationship.

I used to think about it more often, but it’s true. I picked Jake because he’s helping me to be a better woman. He helps me make good decisions, even when I don’t see their wisdom right away. Jake is definitely an alpha male so it’s no surprise he would excel as a dom. I enjoy the idea of being submissive. I have given up all my control to Jake, because I have utter trust and faith in him. I’m going to do some more exploring of this concept, it intrigues me greatly….

Strange but True vol. II

What kind of t-shirt are you?
Happy Girls Are The Prettiest  by hopealittle:

You Are a Basic T-shirt

You are a very humble, low maintenance person. You find contentment easily. You are easy-going and very social. You like being around other people more than anything else.

Some may accuse you of being lazy, but you just don’t work any harder than you need to.

You are happiest when things are kept casual. You think formality is a lot of unnecessary fuss.

As of late, I have been gathering all my contacts information for Jake and I’s engagement party. I am so excited for this event!! As much as I hate it, my Grandpa has been making me make arrangements through Rhonda for things for the party. Normally a woman I never talk to, it’s been kind of a strain on me trying to get it done. We don’t know each other well, me and Rhonda and she has the unfortunate position in our family of having been the woman our beloved matriarch was cheated on with. It’s not necessarily her fault because let’s face it it takes two to tango.
Speaking of the horizontal dance, I called my Aunt Rob to iron out some details for the party. As usual, I was on the phone with her at length and conversation turned towards her own illicit behavior, because we were talking about Grandpa.
(Background info: Rhonda found out that he was cheating on her with a woman in South Dakota. She’s been mad at anyone who knew about it, i.e. mom and J.R. and possibly me if mom texted Grandpa about the hotel room I got him. It’s weird because I’m pretty sure I’m on her shit list also, but I’m at least trying, you know?)
Rob cheats on her husband, and one of the reasons I called was to clarify that I wanted my engagement party to be A FAMILY EVENT. That means you and your husband and children, dammit, not you and your boyfriend you get drunk with. I find it very odd that this is a clarification I have to make in my family. And it’s not the first time, either.
On my 21st birthday, my Aunt Rob asked to bring a different boyfriend back then instead of her family. It was fucking weird. I felt so bad for Dave, and still do. She was super inclined not to bring him along, and he admittedly hates visiting our side of the family. But I still wanted him to feel included, so I felt the need to specify with Rob. Ugh lol -_- I guess we’ll see what happens.
Postsecret of the week:
sisterfrida

Moral of the story: You don’t get to choose your family.

Leap Day, What A Day~

 Jake and I are official now! 

I felt incredibly comforted the other night. Hubby and I were talking and I was ever so pleased when he turned out receptive to my idea. I want us to have an engagement party! I couldn’t believe he agreed. I called my Grandpa to see if we could have it at the Elk’s Lodge, and I want there to be karaoke. ^___^ IT WOULD BE THE MOST FUN.

It’s going to be one Friday in April. I’m so excited 🙂

What’s your dream engagement ring?

Your Dream Engagement Ring
has a Round Diamond!

A round diamond is classic and timeless, just like your style. Your diamond will always look with the times – and goes with everything.

Of all diamonds, round diamonds show the most sparkle. They are often chosen by sweet, dependable women who make marriage their #1 priority.

This test result is awesome because it’s exactly what Jake and I picked out. A couple of weeks ago, Jake and I walked into a Jared store and we picked out our engagement rings. We’re being non traditional, doing our own thing. My ring is gorgeous. Jake’s is quite the eye catcher as well. I love him. I feel safe, valued, and loved making this decision.

~* Charmmy Kitty is So Fab *~

What is Your Love Based On?
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Your Love is Based On Commitment

You believe that love is something that develops and grows.

You don’t believe in love at first site, and you never mistake lust for love. For you, love is about mutual devotion, respect, and understanding.

You don’t feel comfortable in a relationship, unless you’re both in it for the long run.

Why your love can last: You don’t take commitment lightly – or leave relationships easily.

Postsecret of the week:
3.geek
Now that things are official and there’s a rock on my finger, I feel happy and secure. I feel excited to move forward with planning the wedding. I am tentatively reaching out to people to see if they will assist me. I asked Katie to come with me as my maid of honor and she said I am her best friend. *blush* I feel honored, considering how flakey I am. I just hope she will be able to help me with all the important and minute details. The next thing on my agenda is for Jake and I to have our pictures taken for an engagement notice to all our friends and family. I should probably start collecting addresses….

It feels like another life.

Tonight at work was pretty cool. I was working with Lisa the security guard and Sara, my old friend. It is quite nice to see Sara. She is such a nice, cool person. I enjoy her personality. She is so bright and her energy is infectious. She is sweet and professional. On one hand.

It was pretty funny the other night. We were working together, and she said, “I feel like you kind of passed the torch to me. I’m not as crazy as you were, but I’m getting there.” ^_~ It was a trip to remember how stupid I used to be when she and I were younger. When I was in my early twenties, I was a wild cat in some regards. I lied to my boyfriend and stayed out late, I snuck in drinking whenever I could. I went drunk driving, and never got caught or killed anyone or even anybody’s mailbox. Sara says she still drives by the Target on the other side sometimes and gets a little nostalgic. We used to sit behind this office building near there getting high at night after work, lying about our whereabouts to my boyfriend and her dad. She still lives with her dad.

Tonight, it was funny when I remarked to her how my relationship used to be. I pointed out to her how weird it must be for her to hear everyone talking nice about Jake and how great he is at this job, because everywhere else I’ve ever been they have an unfavorable impression of Jake since he would never let me go out drinking.

Jake likes to police my behavior, that much is still true. I told Sara I needed to meet her new boyfriend, and she said, “That’s what after hours are for.” I laughed a little and told her,

“I’m getting married,
there are no after hours anymore.”

It felt nice to say. In the past, it was a death sentence. But now, I am accepting of the fact that I don’t need to do those things any longer. I don’t need to get drunk. I don’t even like drinking beer anymore. I barely drink at all, even when I have the opportunity and Jake asks.

Tonight, Lisa and I were talking about our weddings. She says she’s getting married in November and I want to get married at the end of August. She found this awesome car that visits the hotel, it’s some kind of vintage black vehicle with fins and on it is painted these sweet flames. She says she wanted to have her pictures taken in front of it and use it as their getaway vehicle at the end of the ceremony and it cost a pretty penny. The owner of the car was asking for $800, $100/hr. She said her fiance would flip if he knew she wanted to spend that kind of money and Sara suggested subterfuge.

subterfuge

I mention this especially because Sara and I were versed in this when we were together. We were good friends who lied about things together. She is in fact the only reason Jake and I are still together, because she vouched for being with me the night Jake thinks I went out on a date with another guy. I claimed it was just this random guy we both worked with who ran into us at the bar, when really it was my current boss Latta I was out with. I couldn’t admit to going out for a drink with Latta because then I would have willing agreed to go out with another guy. Even if that guy is my boss and possibly gay, Jake would have been pissed so he still has never found out.

I am super glad that Sara is around. She is as wily as ever. When Lisa said he would flip, she suggested Lisa lie and tell him it was half the price. Lisa shook her head, knowing it was wrong to lie to her fiance. I could see the cogs turning in Sara’s head, and it was a blast to the past. Once, I  went out with Sara after work with our boss and a guy from another department who liked me for drinks and I told Jake I fell asleep while I was visiting my mom.(Nothing happened with said guy. I just drunk drove us all home and went home really late to Jake.)

Sara used to have to account for her whereabouts to her dad. She had a bad boyfriend whom she was engaged to, and we commiserated over our bad relationships. We always said if she’d break up with her guy, I’d have the courage to break up with mine. But we weren’t really friends when she let that guy out of her life, and now I am engaged to mine.

Somehow, everything is fine. I know that this is exactly what i want and I really don’t feel scared. I think about being with Jake always and I feel reassured, safe, and loved. I’m glad that Jake is obsessed with me. I’m absolutely glad that I am the most important detail of Jake’s life. He is the same for me, and that’s how our love should be and is. I used to resist it when I was younger, because I knew it would hurt if it ended….

But now I have faith that it won’t. I want him and only him forever. I’ve considered the fact that 6-8 years from now I could just divorce him, but that’s not a real possibility. If I feel that way, then why do it? I don’t feel that way. I feel like 20 years from now, I could be even happier with Jake. Our potential is endless, we are only going to go up from here, I KNOW IT.