Birthday Reflections

My birthday has come and gone. 26 started as good year for me. It was the year I got married. I should have taken it as a good sign when I went one birthday without bawling my eyes out. 27 was not such a lucky start.

My 27th birthday began horribly. I had to spend it with my angry husband and alienated biological father. My husband and I got into a HUGE HORRENDOUS argument over the fact that my useless father doesn’t have a vehicle. He had a 2 o’clock curfew for the half way house with no ride home.

Jake would not allow us to give him a ride because of the contents of his pockets. He had good reason to deny the request seeing as we never know what he might be carrying- but Jake has been pulled over exactly ONCE in the almost 4 years I’ve known him.  I figured it would be safe enough, so I argued with my husband.

I had a mental breakdown first thing in the morning since we were arguing about it as soon as we woke up. He screamed bloody murder at me in the car and told me he didn’t care about me. On my birthday at some point he inevitably suggests we shouldn’t be together anymore. He has a specialty in fucking the day up, always needing to bring me to hysterical tears.

I was bawling in the walgreens we went to pick a father’s day card from. My birthday was 2 days before Father’s Day. I was already late to my meeting with Johnny. That was traumatic in and of itself, standing in the walgreen’s greeting card aisle tears streaming down my face as my husband disrespects me and cusses me as I frantically search through the cards.

So many wrong cards for Johnny; Best Dad Ever, You’re My Super Hero, Thank You For Always Being There For Me Dad, I Love You. It’s more like-

Dear Biological Father;

I wish my mother had never told me about you. She kept the secret from me for over 20 years, what was the rest of my life? I would have preferred she took her secret to the grave. I don’t want to know you or love you. I wish you were a long-forgotten lover of hers. I wish you had remained a distant memory from her past. I wish you had never reconnected, or ever showed me any love. I regret knowing about you, and wish I could forget she ever told me about you. 

Be Gone.

On the way out of Walgreens, Jake threatened to throw me out of the car and leave me. He screamed more at me, and I bawled uncontrollably because he’s always threatening me with divorce, making me feel like I’m not wanted.

When we got to my mother’s house where Johnny was waiting, Jake went so far as to threaten to leave me alone. He got in the car and started it up. I stayed standing on the porch in front of the front door with my heart in my throat from my nervous breakdown and the stress of seeing my father for the first time in two years, before I collapsed into tears out of sight of the front window and by my mother’s front yard fence.

There were so many feelings mixed with Jake’s hurt he inflicted. I hadn’t seen my dad in two years on purpose. We hadn’t spoken, and I felt wretchedly guilty about shutting him out of my life. I felt ashamed of myself. I was scared to look him in the eyes. I was afraid he’d look at me with an angry or injured expression, and I felt like I couldn’t escape.

Instead he held me non-judgmentally while Jake was making me cry. His embrace was so warm and sincere I definitely felt comforted from my earlier breakdown. I cried in his arms, but I think he thought I was emotionally charged from seeing him again, which I was partly. It felt good to be forgiven without having to ask.

I hate him for loving me the way I want to be loved. No one has loved me like him since my ex Elizabeth and my Grandma. He doesn’t believe I can do anything wrong. I am golden to him, and it’s a fucking crying shame to be so revered by someone you cannot even bare to speak with.

It feels wretched to me, to crave his perception of me and his love, but to not be able to welcome him into my life. I feel like me and my parents are standing on two different sides of a canyon, I can’t love them even when I try.

If I want Johnny’s good, I have to accept his bad, and I won’t. I can’t. So if I can’t stomach his bad, I don’t deserve his good. You can’t pick and choose what you want from a person, you get all of them or nothing. And with Johnny, I find myself wondering how safe nothing is.

Is it worth this empty feeling inside?



Looking Up

purple hair rocks!
*a shot from Izumicon, t’is Mwuah*

Anyhow, I decided to drop ElleOKC in favor of the job Latta offered me. I have been on the phone with him a lot recently, and Jake is being surprisingly cool considering. He even made it a point to tell me he noticed how “friendly” Latta & I were but that he trusted me. If only he knew! lol

I had to focus on my witch stones in the wee hours of the morning. I am really looking for guidance from anywhere, and have been pretty happy that Jake is being relatively nice despite his stress levels. He has started drinking a little, but nothing too intense or out of control. It’s had a calming, joyful effect on him thus far but I’m going to cross my fingers anyway. A year ago, Jake never would have considered drinking but he seems to know what he is doing… for the time being. Only time will tell *crosses fingers*

I had my interview this evening with Latta. It was nice to see my old friend and explain good answers to him during my interview. He knows how dysfunctional things were over there first hand. I feel excited with this new page in the book of my life I am turning. Jake says I better not make it a habit to only have a job one year but the Renaissance wasn’t my fault that it ended the way it did. I have to let go of the issues that I faced there and not bring the same bad attitude to my new work place. I have to not be resentful, and just keep on movin’ on.

In other news, I got in a fight with my mom. She thinks I am cold uncaring bastard because I wouldn’t let her come to my house in the middle of the night. She’s been distressed because we found out Johnny got a new offer. Instead of the original 10-Life they were going to offer him, he’s been offered 6 yrs now and that means he will definitely have to serve 22% of the sentence which equals out to about 14 months and while I think my mom should be leaping for joy it’ll only be 1 year, she’s super depressed about him going to prison still =(

Sorry, what the fuck am I supposed to say? I tried to say “it’s only a year” but that’s not comforting, apparently. How am I supposed to help? She made a stupid decision to love someone behind bars, why is she making it my problem? Bitch needs to deal, and she’s driving me insane and trying to make me feel guilty for not being there for her. God dammit, no, you can’t come to my house after midnight, Jake is trying to relax. I know you’re in despair, but stop trying to ruin my night because you feel bad. Not gonna get any sympathy that way.

Song I’ve been listening to today: