Remembering your past self

It’s not always good. I generally stay away from facebook and never post on it, because I gave up all my friends and their goings on. But today I found myself taking a moment to browse through my friends old pictures and saw all our high school days. I was transported back in time, and that’s been happening some lately.

Playlist of songs that reminded me of those times:

When the election was going on, here in Oklahoma we got to vote on how alcohol/liquor is handled in the state. We’re a dry state and you can only buy 2.5% beer in stores. You have to go to liquor stores to get your stronger beer, liquor, and wine. We had a bill that was going to level the playing field and make liquor and wine available in normal stores like grocery stores.

It was weird, but I felt my heart twisting in my chest at the thought of all the struggling wives that would have to deal with the change. When I was with Joshua, I used to literally run to prevent him from entering liquor stores. Now, imagine, every single place you walk in there is danger. The alcoholic has so much more access, and the misery increases with the access. It’s already a problem, homeless people being able to get even more access as well???? I felt such compassion and empathy towards any person fool enough to deal with an alcoholic anymore.

I gave up on mine. He made me miserable. (Reference Tracy Chapman songs) I had to tell him good bye. He was sucking the life out of me, and breaking my heart. When I look back on my past, I want to slap my 22 year old self around a little and shake her, “What the frig were you thinking?” I knew it then, that my love was irrational, but I felt it so deep. (Reference laid & “it’s not easy loving you”) Our brokenness fit together. I took like a fish to water when I was introduced to alcoholism.

Nowadays on Hulu, I’ve been seeing some advertisements for a lady who is a nanny to these rich kids. She’s in charge of them and a drunk, and America is meant to think that’s hilarious- seeing her slide down the handrail and drunkenly splayed on the ground. They must not know what it is like to bodily restrain your lover when they are wildly thrashing around and making a horrible disturbance in the middle of the night, waking everyone up. After you feel such disgust for a person, it’s hard to feel respect and love. A resentment starts to grow, and it’s only a matter of time before you see them for the burden they truly are.

At my hotel, there is a girl who delivers pizza on a regular basis. She works at the pizzaeria that I introduced her to all those years ago. She’s a fragment of my past that gets through, and when I see her I’m reminded how artistic and bold I used to be, but also how messed up.

I used to drink myself to excess. This girl has dragged my head out of the toilet many times. She’s still graceful and nice about it, and has always been a great acquaintance to have. When I was younger and she was my friend, Joshua and I drank with her all the time. We smoked and got fucked up and painted on her walls (because she was fun and invited us to). She had bon fires and I would puke on the side of her house.

I see the commercials for the lady nanny who’s drunk all the time and I wonder to myself, “Why did I think that was fun?” I wasn’t having fun.

I was being irresponsible, trying to leave myself behind. Trying to forget myself. I hated myself, had problems in my life, and wanted to forget about them for awhile sometimes. Sometimes, a lot. (Reference Tove Lo songs) I can remember almost every boyfriend I’ve ever had having to take care of me when I had drank too much.

I still drink too much when I do drink, but I only drink every once in a blue moon. I never drink alone or in secret anymore. I used to engineer entire plots and stories to devise ways so that I could go drinking with my coworkers after work. I used to be notorious for my skills in deception, and me and my friends had fun despite Jake’s attempts to stop me. I did what I wanted anyway, until I wised up one day.

Jacob changed my life. I figured he really meant it. He really meant he’d had enough, and he would not ever let me drink away from him. He needed me to give it up, and I didn’t know it, but I needed to do it for myself, too. I did, after I realized all the beer was doing was fucking up mu stomach anyway and getting me in a shit ton of trouble. I gave it up, so I could have a happy relationship.

Now I never drink, and always smoke. 😎

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Ladies Night Out at Wine & Palette OKC

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imageIt was a smashing experience!! Great fun, watered down drinks so I didn’t get drunk or anything. Being surrounded by and involved in so much art felt very therapeutic and fun to me. The girls suggested we start going every month, and wouldn’t that be great?

 

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Alisha’s favorite was of course Aladdin from Disney.

 

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~*~ Gettin’ My Drink On ~*~

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It all would have been a really great night out if I didn’t have sour face Jake there to pick me up at the end of the night. I tell you I can’t win with that man. I do duplicitous things behind his back and he finds out and gets mad. I decide to own up and be honest before I am going to do something he’ll dislike, and he still gets royally pissed. He was mad that night and didn’t speak to me for like 3 hours, stewing in his anger. He was upset because he believes in a pact where I won’t drink if he’s not around. He’s worried I’ll get drunk and lose my inhibitions. Damn fool, doesn’t he realize with this ring on my finger he will not be getting rid of me quite so easily?!?!?!

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It feels like another life.

Tonight at work was pretty cool. I was working with Lisa the security guard and Sara, my old friend. It is quite nice to see Sara. She is such a nice, cool person. I enjoy her personality. She is so bright and her energy is infectious. She is sweet and professional. On one hand.

It was pretty funny the other night. We were working together, and she said, “I feel like you kind of passed the torch to me. I’m not as crazy as you were, but I’m getting there.” ^_~ It was a trip to remember how stupid I used to be when she and I were younger. When I was in my early twenties, I was a wild cat in some regards. I lied to my boyfriend and stayed out late, I snuck in drinking whenever I could. I went drunk driving, and never got caught or killed anyone or even anybody’s mailbox. Sara says she still drives by the Target on the other side sometimes and gets a little nostalgic. We used to sit behind this office building near there getting high at night after work, lying about our whereabouts to my boyfriend and her dad. She still lives with her dad.

Tonight, it was funny when I remarked to her how my relationship used to be. I pointed out to her how weird it must be for her to hear everyone talking nice about Jake and how great he is at this job, because everywhere else I’ve ever been they have an unfavorable impression of Jake since he would never let me go out drinking.

Jake likes to police my behavior, that much is still true. I told Sara I needed to meet her new boyfriend, and she said, “That’s what after hours are for.” I laughed a little and told her,

“I’m getting married,
there are no after hours anymore.”

It felt nice to say. In the past, it was a death sentence. But now, I am accepting of the fact that I don’t need to do those things any longer. I don’t need to get drunk. I don’t even like drinking beer anymore. I barely drink at all, even when I have the opportunity and Jake asks.

Tonight, Lisa and I were talking about our weddings. She says she’s getting married in November and I want to get married at the end of August. She found this awesome car that visits the hotel, it’s some kind of vintage black vehicle with fins and on it is painted these sweet flames. She says she wanted to have her pictures taken in front of it and use it as their getaway vehicle at the end of the ceremony and it cost a pretty penny. The owner of the car was asking for $800, $100/hr. She said her fiance would flip if he knew she wanted to spend that kind of money and Sara suggested subterfuge.

subterfuge

I mention this especially because Sara and I were versed in this when we were together. We were good friends who lied about things together. She is in fact the only reason Jake and I are still together, because she vouched for being with me the night Jake thinks I went out on a date with another guy. I claimed it was just this random guy we both worked with who ran into us at the bar, when really it was my current boss Latta I was out with. I couldn’t admit to going out for a drink with Latta because then I would have willing agreed to go out with another guy. Even if that guy is my boss and possibly gay, Jake would have been pissed so he still has never found out.

I am super glad that Sara is around. She is as wily as ever. When Lisa said he would flip, she suggested Lisa lie and tell him it was half the price. Lisa shook her head, knowing it was wrong to lie to her fiance. I could see the cogs turning in Sara’s head, and it was a blast to the past. Once, I  went out with Sara after work with our boss and a guy from another department who liked me for drinks and I told Jake I fell asleep while I was visiting my mom.(Nothing happened with said guy. I just drunk drove us all home and went home really late to Jake.)

Sara used to have to account for her whereabouts to her dad. She had a bad boyfriend whom she was engaged to, and we commiserated over our bad relationships. We always said if she’d break up with her guy, I’d have the courage to break up with mine. But we weren’t really friends when she let that guy out of her life, and now I am engaged to mine.

Somehow, everything is fine. I know that this is exactly what i want and I really don’t feel scared. I think about being with Jake always and I feel reassured, safe, and loved. I’m glad that Jake is obsessed with me. I’m absolutely glad that I am the most important detail of Jake’s life. He is the same for me, and that’s how our love should be and is. I used to resist it when I was younger, because I knew it would hurt if it ended….

But now I have faith that it won’t. I want him and only him forever. I’ve considered the fact that 6-8 years from now I could just divorce him, but that’s not a real possibility. If I feel that way, then why do it? I don’t feel that way. I feel like 20 years from now, I could be even happier with Jake. Our potential is endless, we are only going to go up from here, I KNOW IT.

Me & My Emotionally Disturbed Friends

Postsecret of the week:
fat

This week at work, I miraculously got the weekend off!!! 

I am totally living it up to the maxx. The first day, I slept in until pretty much 3pm. The only reason I dragged myself out of bed then was because I didn’t want to miss the Friends of the Library Book Sale. Even so, I was telling my friend K later, “You know there’s a problem when I had so much trouble leaving the house. You know something’s wrong when I can’t bring myself to go to a BOOK FAIR.” =[

Even so, I did make it! I bought about 30 plus books and a few magazines, bridal magazines oo~la~la! After the book fair, I decided to meet up with my friend K despite emotional difficulties I was having at the time. We met up for dinner, and she had interesting news to share with me.

K is one of my bisexual friends who makes a very big deal about it. It’s a secret, so of course she values it all the more. I used to feel the same way when I was first accepting my identity. She is somewhat of a late bloomer. But she said it was more so this is the first time in her life where she likes what she sees.

She was excited because she joined an online app exclusively for lesbians and bisexual women. She’d hit it off with a couple of girls and was excited that she was being so outgoing. Normally, she would never get involved as she has been but she seems really eager to engage in a female relationship. I’ve known her to have one boyfriend and one female relationship, and the female one seemed to touch her much more. It’s good that she’s ready to get back out there.

She ran into an intriguing situation. She’s getting to know these girls, and of course, they want to know about her, too. At first, it surprised me when she divulged to me that she’d “messed up” and told one girl about suffering from a bipolar disorder and the girl stopped talking to her. K made the mistake of being too honest too soon. She has found a new girl that she is really getting along with, and is wondering about the same problem. How will she tell this girl she is heavily medicated and emotionally disturbed? What’s more, once she’s worked up the courage, will the girl still like her?

I laughed about it and tried to reassure K. “Don’t worry, you’re on the right track. You’re supposed to say the things that make them like you right now. THEN, you can start being honest after they like you, because then they’ll have no choice.” lol That’s what any girl does to nab someone.

K is one of my only friends who completely understands how we emotionally freak out every once in a while and just can’t do normal things that are easy for everyone else to do. We were just lamenting over dinner how we can’t catch a break and honestly tell our employers, “Hey, I’m not all here today. I don’t think it’s best that I come into work today because I won’t reflect my best work. You guys won’t really want me there, and I definitely don’t think that I should be there.” 😐 Too bad we can’t be so candid. She told me she called into work yesterday because of her anxiety. I traded a story with her about my most recent sick day at work.

I was supposed to wake up early and go to my clinic, but I accidentally slept through my alarm. Around noon, I started to get anxiety about my health (experiencing constant pelvic pain) and I thought maybe I should call into work.

“No, I don’t want to be an asshole who calls in,” I said to myself so I went into work anyway. Only to have a nervous breakdown in my car five minutes before going in, trapping myself in the break room and then proceeding to bawl my eyes out in front of my manager and tell him I need to leave and go to the E.R.

x____O

The other day was a first…

Jake met one of my friends. It’s been two years and this is the only friend who has survived… his rule, I guess you could say. It is hard for Jacob to image me being with other people, he wants me all to his self. And while to some this is a big deterrent in a relationship, I have learned to live with it. I truly love him and am dedicated to him, and he loves me with a single minded focus. I obviously enjoy it and want to reciprocate, otherwise I would have left long before now. I haven’t, because this is who I want; I don’t see anyone else. I see him, til the end of my days.

Katie has been my friend since I was 16 years old. We made friends because of her willingness to help me cheat my way through AP Biology together, and of course our nerdy kindred spirits made the journey all the more beautiful. Katie and I can be frank with one another, I can talk with her, and she’s antisocial enough to get it when I disappear off the face of the earth for a couple weeks or months. We may not talk all the time, but we understand that sometimes shit is overwhelming to each other. She never holds it against me, still talks to me about how she misses me. I sometimes half expect her to give up on me, but she hasn’t. She’s willing to be my friend.

And the other day, it was her birthday celebration, and me and Jake took her out for sushi. Katie is one of my more wizened, mature friends so I did not feel as embarrassed by our age gap. It’s not that I’m embarrassed of Jake, it’s just I imagine some people our age feel weird hanging out with someone so much older than us. Jake is thirteen years my senior, but it’s never mattered to either of us. As in any relationship, it’s about the level of maturity. Jake and I balance each other out.

I was glad for them to finally meet each other. Even though I have bad mouthed Jake to my friends before, Katie was really understanding about my need to include Jake in our activities. (It was me and Jake’s day off, and he was bound and determined not to be left alone, so he tagged along.)  Even though she’s heard so much shit, she still said, “I know he’s important to you. It’s okay if he comes.”

That’s why I’m thinking of asking her to be my maid of honor. She’s really my only friend nowadays, besides my mother and some of my hotel connections who are really just acquaintances. I’m not going to have a big bridal party, I’ve decided. We might just have a maid of honor and best man. Wedding planning is so extensive! I wish I could have a wedding planner.