Time to Make a Change

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The last time I posted, I was very dissatisfied with things going on at work. I am still upset at this point, and for more reasons than one.

My enthusiasm for my work is gone. I’ve been very fed up with the lack of staff. I don’t particularly like the people I work with. I know it would make me happier to work somewhere that is managed better. The managers at my current job are just not well-enough equipped to do their jobs. There are so many tasks and standards to adhere to, and not enough hands or time.

Things seem to be going south. Further and further. My boss just gave her two weeks notice, for health reasons. I am not looking forward to the interim period where they are trying to hire for her position, because…. yes, I have determined I am not interested in it.

The hours are undesirable. The work load is undesirable. The responsibility of covering shifts that are missed by co-workers are too frequent/taxing. I am quite unenthused with needy guests lately. I’ve been stressed out to the maximum, and resenting the way things are being handled. The attention to detail is annoying. I am tired of management, actually. It pains me to admit that.

At least for a while, I might possibly need a break. As I was anguishing over my career and life in general, I decided to call someone wise for advice. Talking to Jake is good because he is supportive but he doesn’t always understand where I am coming from. I decided to give my Grandpa a call, and I laid it all out on the line for his consideration:

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I have been considering changing career paths. It’s been really distressing to me admitting to myself that I don’t have what it takes to properly do the front office manager job. I found myself explaining to Grandpa that I was not able to adhere to the standard I hold for myself in the job, and that’s true because I have high expectations. It was very comforting talking to my Grandpa, because just when I really think I’m being stupid, he has a way of making me sound really smart.

He says it’s good to recognize your own limits. It’s only giving up if you choose to view it that way. He says I’m making a conscious decision to better adjust myself. Just because I don’t have the maturity and organizational skills to manage the job now, doesn’t mean that I won’t be wonderful at it years from now. Exploring a new career path does not mean that I can never go back into the hospitality career.

I thought a career change might be nice because it would be a whole new way of life. All the jobs I have applied to have been during normal working hours, day time hours. It would be a radical change for me, and who knows if it would make me happier?

I’ve been stuck wondering if I just need some anxiety or depression pills to make me better, or do I need a whole new everything?????

I’m going to try the whole new everything.

 

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Dodged a bullet, time to celebrate!!

As some of you may know, my boss recently quit his job. I interviewed for his position, but I wasn’t happy about it. Everyone said it made sense to promote me, and I would nod my head and agree. But it seemed the more I acted like I wanted it on the outside, the more on the inside I was screaming I didn’t want it.

There’s been a lot of stress and pressure on me during this time. Everyone was encouraging me and saying I should get it, and I had to smile. I was faking it. I was faking being an ambitious person who would like to further their career. How Sad. I felt like I couldn’t admit I didn’t want it, because then people (mostly Jake) are like, “Don’t you want MORE MONEY???”

Don’t you mean don’t you want more STRESS?!!?!

I was never so glad then when my boss brought me into her office. She was trepidatious at first, nervous that she may upset me. She had no idea that over the weekend I had had a mental breakdown over the issue. I made myself sick for a weekend, worried about the position.

I had interviewed and did a good job of it. I always do well in interviews, and I was worried I’d actually convinced them to let me do the job. A job I was coming to realize I desperately did not want AT ALL.

On Saturday, I was in tears when I called my grandpa for advice. I was full of doubt and worry over the position. I didn’t think I could do it. I know how much stress I can handle, and I am already at the brink. I can’t handle much more, so I knew the job wasn’t for me but was afraid to tell anyone. I didn’t want anyone to know how much I doubted myself- wanted to appear confident and ambitious, ready and willing to take up the gauntlet. The opposite of what I really am.

I had a mental breakdown at work on Saturday. I called my grandpa, and he told me it was perfectly okay to accept your limitations. He said it was better to do what was best for me, and I knew better than anyone else what I could and couldn’t handle. Even though his words were comforting, I found myself sobbing uncontrollably.

Before I knew it, I was locked in the bathroom having a freak out. I bawled my eyes out, furious that I couldn’t handle the pressure of the job. I was furious at myself for admitting that I couldn’t do it. I fell short of my expectations for myself and it was a very bitter pill for me to swallow.

Speaking of pills, I blame my birth control partly for my insanity.

I noticed that my depression has worsened using the nexplanon implant I have. I am constantly bloated and fat and can’t fit into any of my pants. A co-worker of mine asked me if I was pregnant on a day I wore a dress I usually love. My other co-worker Sara admitted the dress gave me a pooch, and I felt so uncomfortable.

I’ve been uncomfortable for quite some time now. I feel crazier then ever because I started taking my depression pills to counteract the effect of the implant, but couldn’t keep it up like I never can and started taking them more sporadically, and then not at all. My brain chemistry has been fucked up.

Worse than that, my sex drive has been like -10. Of course birth control works, it makes sex seem like the most annoying chore in the world. I’ve barely felt any passion or longing for Jake in some time. And I know that’s not me, I know I love him and want him that way. I’m not falling out of love with him, I’ve just lost all interest in sex and the mechanics of it. I get annoyed, and more than that, I feel ashamed of my body. I never want to share my body, I am sick of my body.

I have determined that after my wedding, I am going to have my implant removed. I might have pain in the middle of every month, but I have to ask myself if all these other symptoms are worth the trouble I am having. I can’t stand to watch my body expand more, gain more weight. Because let’s face it, I’m not getting up and exercising to get rid of it- that’s not me >__>

I feel like maybe my mind will be better once I’m off of it, too. Maybe I have been so anxious and nervous lately because my brain chemistry is off. I wonder if it has affected my performance at my job….. Speaking of the job, the news my boss gave me yesterday was wonderful!!

People will think I am upset, but I DID NOT get the job. FUCKING HELL YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!! I wanted to pump my fist in the air when she told me. As I have said, she was nervous at first to tell me the news. She never knew how much I dreaded it. I saved face. And she had a number of kind things to say to me. I felt mollified, and assured her that we were on the same page. I wasn’t upset. I am not upset. Thank God, I do not have to deal with that headache or change my life. I get to keep staying on the PM shift, which is really the chief thing I was worried about. I didn’t want to change my schedule and my life for the job. I HATE MORNINGS. I can’t be a responsible adult and work a 9-5. FUCKING TORTURE! I am so glad I dodged that bullet.

To celebrate, watch this music video. It makes me smile like no other.

Buh-bye, TTFN

Mourning in 2016

What is your True Passion?

Your True Passion is Leadership

You feel most alive when you are bringing out the best in people. It brings out the best in you in return.

You love to teach others and guide them. You are very patient. Giving back is important to you.

You want to make the world a better place, and you know you can’t do it alone. You need a team supporting you.

For you, there’s nothing more satisfying than a group of people working toward a common goal. Especially if you’re leading that group.

Today I spent in mourning for my grandmother. I’m not sure why, but I was hit by some pretty strong feelings today while my fiance and I were tooling around town. I have been mentioning my grandma more often, and in a way, I figured out why today. Until today, it had been about 2 years since my last visit to her grave. As we were driving around, Jake and I had the vague plan of going to see her resting place today/tonight.
But as the hours dragged on, the plan became less and less certain and I started to get emotional. It seemed like such a hassle because Jake wanted to rent a car before we could go, and I was becoming anxious at the thought of spending more money to get to a place that just makes me sad. I remembered why I haven’t been there in so long, knowing as I did how upset I was becoming. I almost hyperventilated in the Enterprise rent a car line, getting anxious about over spending.
Jake and I are trying to save up for a down payment on a house. Every withdrawal from our savings causes me anxiety. Jake and I want a house so bad. We are growing up so well and so fast! =) I want us to take care of business. I want us to have a work out room in our new house.
Eventually, Jake and I did take the two hour trip to her grave. While I stood there at her head stone-less grave missing her, I decided to concentrate on celebrating the qualities she exemplified in life. On our way down there, Jake commented that he could help me fashion a headstone for my grandma and I was thinking about what we would put.
Karen Dee Roberts (nee White)
March 18, 1950 – October 14, 2008
Beautiful and full of grace
To Know Her Was to Love Her

Also, this week @ WORK:
MY BOSS IS OUT OF TOWN! =[ FROWNY FACE. THE AUDITOR IS IN TOWN. (=POSSIBLE DEATH IF I DON’T PASS) They may have even did our place last night, my night off!! It would be bliss if it happened when I wasn’t there, so I wouldn’t be responsible.
Things are going kind of wonky with my boss out of town. The main issues I am having to deal with is interviewing new candidates for our night audit position and the fact that this one girl wants to turn in her TWO WEEKS NOTICE while our boss is away. I’m like AAGGGHHHH Noooooooo plz don’t =[ =[ =[!
I think I am going to respectfully decline to take her notice if she does in fact give it to me like I think she plans. I think I can talk her into waiting until he returns to give it. I think Latta deserves a chance to talk with her before she does turn it in. It’s kind of sucky that she wants to jump ship while he’s away. She says she is scared to tell him, but that’s just because our boss is admittedly high strung and she’s young and immature. There will never be a good time to tell him, it will inevitably alter his mood. You just have to be an adult and have a conversation, rather than doing while he’s gone. I’m sure he will be upset about it, but more so if he returns to find out she already made a decision. (Really, I just don’t want her to because I don’t want him to think I failed to talk her out of it =/ )
Anyway, that’s all, folks! Hopefully everything goes okay. . .

I am so friggin pumped it’s ridiculous. I absolutely love the place that I work now and feel determined to make a good impression. I want to prove that I am a classy chick and therefore deserve to represent a classy place, too. My new assistant front desk manager, his name is Tim and he’s portly and bald and wears glasses, he complimented me this evening saying I was doing a good job because I am already well trained on the program and I am such a professional, he says he is bragging that I am on his shift. I gotta admit guys, when someone calls me a professional, it gets me so high.

I called my Grandpa this evening just to tell him I loved him, and that I was so happy, I’ve been dreaming of working in hotels downtown since I was 14 years old and now here I am. I had to call him, because he is the only one who ever actively fostered my desires and dreams. He’s the one that took me to the very hotel I just quit one day when I was 15 on a date. We went there and he asked a manager to come and sit down with him and his granddaughter, to tell her a little more about the industry. That was really nice of Grandpa, and nice of that manager, too.

This is my dream and I’m here. I love to be a professional. I always dreamed of bigger and better things for myself. I always wanted this- to be a white-collar worker in a successful place. When I am in the work place, no one knows anything about me besides that I am nice and professional and good at what I do. No one knows I’m a fuck up pothead who disappoints everyone else in my life. At least all these people expect of me are things that I enjoy delivering. It’s not an obligation if you’re paid, if you enjoy it. If you find the right job, you’ll never work a day in your life. THIS IS MY DREAM AND I’M LIVING IT. I’m so fucking ecstatic.

And my Grandma’s not here for any of it.

Please let this work out!

Hi everybody!!! laughing Just dropping in to waste some time before work and try and relax by mindlessly browsing the internet. Nothin’ unusual here…. Today, I spent some time lounging with my boyfriend watching bad TV and making a trip out to the mall. I just felt like getting out and about so we journeyed to Penn Square Mall for a short spell. The first store I zeroe’d in on was Brookstone, that fabulous store with all the massaging devices *ahhh* lol I love it! I’ve always wanted to work there because, as you know, you HAVE to try all the products out so you can know what to recommend! HEE ^-^ So today, I turned in an application and the young man there was so pleasant. He took one look at the app and said to me, “What are you doing Monday at 4? Can you come in for a group interview then?” Well hell yes I can! =D So that takes care of Monday.

But also, oh em gee, there is weirdness taking place at my other job, CCP. There is another girl being trained to do the same job as me and I feel as though I am being winnowed out. bummedbummedbummed I like my job. It’s time consuming and frustrating at times but it’s pretty much a piece of cake. I even like the sporadic hours because that suits me, even though I don’t work a lot of hours. It leaves me free to do what I like, you know? I am sad to be getting cut out, or at least it feels that way. This girl, though she is a nerdy joy and friend, is getting more leading shifts then me and I am mildly upset about it. Then again, I won’t say I deserve better seeing as I have been a somewhat lax employee of late. I haven’t been as punctual as I should have been so I suppose this will teach me my lesson *sigh*

~Adios

You Should Stay Away from Red
You are a balanced and calm person.
You definitely shy away from aggression and anger.
You are a natural peacemaker, and you feel bad
when people can’t get along. You wish everyone
was kinder to one another.

Red sometimes represents defiance
and strain. You are too harmonious to want
to be near either of those. Red also can point
to too much passion or intensity. If you want
to remain peaceful, stay away from this color.

Gemini Horoscope for September 21, 2012

Positive Aspects: You would be able to create something original, novel, singular.

You will thirst for knowledge during this long-term trend. Very good time for intellectual work. You will have lots of bright ideas and the help of your intuition that will enable you to realize your plans, your new schemes. You will be interested in every new thing, new ideas – you will be attentive to all discoveries, innovations.

Unexpected communications and sudden invitations can arrive now, and the phone may never stop ringing. This transit can bring sudden insights and sudden inspirations to the mind. This will prove to be an exciting time for you, where interesting encounters and increased mental activity will occur.

This transit favors the study of science, any new technologies, yoga, the occult, astrology and, or you may begin to teach, give lectures and do some creative writing. New friends, unexpected good news and sudden short trips fall under the influences of this transit and you will also be very intuitive and telepathic as well.

Sudden intuitive insights that border on genius can arrive now, or sudden good news can come when least expected. Information received now can be quite different and unusual and you may find that phone lines can get real fuzzy. Spontaneous reactions to situations is possible now and fresh ideas and concepts can thrive. Dreams can bring new insights to you, perhaps something you have never considered before. You may find that a friend suddenly decides to move as well. This transit favors the opening of formerly unopened doors and breaking the chains that bind you to the past. 

Negative aspects: You will fall in love, that violent and passionate irrational love. You will find it difficult to control yourself. You will be possessive, jealous, completely immersed to your very depths by this passion. As there is little chance that the other will love to a matching extent, there may be scenes, sometimes violent, and disappointments. Your work may suffer from this situation, because only your emotional life will count.

You will have lots of energy but you will act without thinking of the consequences. You might have some problems thanks to this haste, and to your uncontrolled tongue.

You will meet people you find fascinating but who may make you forget your duties through their originality. You will undergo sudden changes which will force you to face up to your problems alone, without any help. Make the best you can of this situation. Lots of little difficulties that have been ignored up till now will have to be resolved.