Get to Know Me Survey

  • What does your ideal day look like?
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    An afternoon spent outdoors, reading a book with nowhere to be.
  • What did you want to be when you were younger? A writer, songwriter. When I was really young I wanted to be a singer like Selena 😛
  • Who are you most inspired by? Why? I am inspired by my husband and his pragmatic view on life, and his loving nature. He’s went through a lot but he still helps those who are less fortunate.
  • Who would you love to meet? What would you ask? Harriett Tubman. I would just want to hear more about her experience working for the Union during the Civil War.
  • What habit would you most like to break? What habit would you most like to start?
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    Smoking would be a good habit to kick for my health. I would like to someday be the type of person who gets exhilarated at the thought of working out. (Currently, that is the not the case.)
  • Think of a person you truly admire. What qualities do you like about that person? In my career, I have found myself thinking of my previous boss Latta lately. I want to be as good at my job as he was. He was a very supportive and cool boss. He got to know you, talked and joked with you, and bought you lunches- sent you on runs when you got stressed and needed to get away. More than anything, he trained you to do your job well so his would be less of a headache. He was an empathetic leader, rather than boss.Image result for leader boss
  • How do you like to relax? Relaxing with soft music and candlelight in the bathtub
  • When was the last time you did something you were afraid of? It was in my career. The last thing I was afraid to do was apply for the front office manager position a few months back. I was terrified because I didn’t really want all the stress that went with all the responsibilities. It worked out for me, because I didn’t get the position. My manager did not feel I was ready, and I hated to agree with her.
  • What are you most proud of? I am proud that my life doesn’t revolve around alcohol and getting fucked up, forgetting myself, anymore. I have moved past that urge and stage of my life, all because of my husband.
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  • What are you most afraid of? Probably being raped, or held up at gunpoint or a scenario where both of these events are likely i.e. the apocalypse or zombies
  • If life stopped today, what would you regret not doing? I would die regretting how things have become between my mother and my self. I can (and am) write a novel about the sorrow and disappointments that we’ve had together.
  • Who would you like to connect (or reconnect) with? Why? I miss my Grandpa. He has always supported me and loved me, even if he doesn’t know me that well. It’s not anyone’s fault, we’re both just busy and the whole family has fallen apart since Granny died.
  • What qualities do you admire in others? Creativity, quirkiness, outgoing behavior
  • What practical skills do you wish you had? I wish that I could master basic cooking and/or baking. Skills in the kitchen would be nice. I would also like to know how to clean and cook fish properly but never done that before.
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  • Imagine you’re in your 90s. What memories would you like to have? What stories do you want to tell? I would tell about the enormously successful life I’d had as a published author and screenwriter and all the money I earned; the nice house I lived in with all my foster children and loving husband.
  • What is your favorite book/movie/song? Why?
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    My favorite book in the entire world is Gone with the Wind. I am rereading it for the 8th year in a row as I do traditionally. These two characters were made for each other in a way that no other two people have ever been. The world that Mitchell created is so immersive and well-crafted. I loved how the characters went so well together and I absolutely loved the character of Melanie Wilkes. She reminded me of my grandma; a great lady. The way that Scarlett changed as the world changed around her was very gripping and hard to put down.
  • If you could make one change in the world, what would it be? I would take down Mcdonalds/discourage widespread commercialism for fast food restaurants/make America slimmer & healthier/make healthy food popular, fast, and easy to get
  • What do you love to do for, or give to others (not an object – something from you personally)? I like to give compliments to people.
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  • What excites you? Art and writing; geeky TV shows
  • What do you wish you did more of? I wish that I worked out more, and worked on my art/collages more often. I am much more creative than I have acted lately.
  • Pretend money is no object. What would you do? Buy a new house and hire a professional decorator to do the house. Build a tree house in the backyard. Get a bitchin’ car. Pay for my mother’s rehab. See a therapist regularly.
  • What area of your life, right now, makes you feel the best? The best section of my life right now is my marriage. My career has been in a rut, and my family life is dismal.
  • Which area makes you feel the worst? Why? The family life is bad, and it’s bad because none of us are putting in any effort. We never try to see each other anymore. We’re all “busy” and we don’t know each other anymore. Splintered, apart. Sad.
  • Let’s jump forward a year. What would you like to have achieved in the past year? I would like to secure a better paying job and tweak my career some. I am open to new avenues and exploring different options. I’d like to have a job that was monday through friday, sitting at a desk somewhere. Making a lot more money, sitting comfy. I want to have gotten rid of a substantial amount of our shared debt.
  • What piece of advice would you give to five year old you? Sixteen year old you? Twenty-one year old you? Right now?
    Five: “Don’t let everyone push you around, you deserve your own opinions just like anyone else.”
    Sixteen: “When Granny goes into surgery, spend more time with your mother. She’s scared and anxious and she just needs you around. Be more patient; go with her to the shops when she goes to look at plants. It doesn’t matter that you hate plants and find it boring. Don’t be an asshole and sit in the car reading manga ignoring her. She needs you, you’re going to be her only person. It feels weird and tense right now, but your rocky relationship with your mother is only going to get worse. She’s going to fail you someday, and you should concentrate on trying not to be so disappointed when it happens. Be strong.”
    Twenty-one: “You’re doing you, just fine! You’re going to look back on these days fondly. But for heaven’s fucking sake, when Joshua comes into your life with his poetry and artistic streak, don’t be tempted. He will ruin you, and there’s nothing beautiful about it. Don’t risk yourself on him. Get back together with Hakim immediately when he asks.” (A Great Regret of My Life)
    Now: “You need to care more about yourself, try harder. It takes effort to maintain a positive attitude, but you can’t afford to let your depression overwhelm you and take control of your life. You’re not your best when you’re depressed, so fight it. Pay attention. Be mindful.”
  • How do you want to be remembered in life? Someday, I want to be the kind of Mom my Granny was to me. I want to love some little light with all my might. I want to love them, praise them, and turn a blind eye to all their faults. I will build them up, make them loved and supported. I want to be the kind of mom that doesn’t have to scold you, the look of disappointment on her face is enough to make you feel ashamed. I want to raise good kids, whether they are my own or not. I just want to share my love and make the world a better place by raising children to be empathetic, kind adults.

Life as a Newlywed

Advice from a Newlywed:

Congratulations on your wedding!

Now that the honeymoon is over, what do you have to say about life as a newlywed?

“Go buy a bunch of lube. You are most certainly going to need it. If you thought you had conditioned your partner to maybe 2-3 times a week making love, you’re going to be VERY surprised. Suddenly, you’re back at it like rabbits in the beginning of your relationship. I have been surprised by the fact that we’re back to it every night like clockwork. 

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Physical intimacy is good for your relationship. I know you might be exasperated by his enthusiasm sometimes, but learn to hold your tongue and cherish these moments. Maybe you’re not in the mood, but you respond to each other better when you’re more willing to compromise. You’ll find it’s worth picking your battles, lest you spend hours fighting or otherwise making each other miserable.

On another note, now that you are A Wife, you should try harder. Jacob has accepted me as the lazy person I am and loves me unconditionally and cleans up after me. But he shouldn’t always expect to do everything, like you have been making him do. You should put in more effort on his behalf. He will love you better for it.”

What is Your Love Language?

Words of Affirmation

Your Preferred Love Language
is Words of Affirmation

Actions don’t always speak louder than words. If this is your love language, unsolicited compliments mean the world to you. Hearing the words, “I love you,” are important – hearing the reasons behind that love sends your spirits skyward. Insults can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten. Kind, encouraging, and positive words are truly life-giving.

Dreams are made of these

I had the most peaceful dream. My Grandma came to visit me in my dreams. It was pretty strange though, it was like I had never been with Jake. I was back to my old ways, my life was like it used to be, juggling boys. I was inexclusively seeing my first boyfriend again, Dace. What a weird figure to bring up, I hadn’t though of him in years. He did not appear in the dream. I was in my neighbor’s house, now that I think about it. Granny and my friend’s mom Amy were sitting on the couch, chortling at something I’d said. I was telling them about going to see Tyler, because I was also dating him. They thought I was sly.

Funny, because Granny would never endorse activity like that or think it was funny. Skipping ahead, I suddenly realize that Granny had to go. She’d only come for awhile. We went out into the front yard, and the sun was shining down on us. Granny had both of her feet, and we stood in front of each other. I was older, like my adult self, something I never got to share with Granny. We embraced, and there were tears running down her weathered face. She still looked tired, grey in her hair, but her eyes were warm and peaceful like only Heaven can bring, even as she cried. She was going to go before my mom could see her leave, but at the last minute, Mom came out of the house. She rushed over to us and threw her arms around both of us, and then she was gone after only a pause.

Then I woke up.

Strange but True vol. IV

I discovered something online today quite by accident. I was browsing through my tumblr feed and I stumbled upon a fetish sigh, a Daddy/Little site. When I visited the site and scrolled down the pages, my interest grew more and more. I started researching this dominant/submissive relationship style and these are just a few of the things I found-

(I did not write the following.)

What Does A Daddy Mean to Me?

What is a Daddy Dom?

A Daddy Dom wants to be the centre of your universe. He wants to be able to provide for your every need and care. But more than that he wants to be able to shape and mould you to the image he thinks you should become. He sees in you someone who can achieve a much higher, much greater status. He believes more in you than you believe in yourself. What he wants in return is to be able to bask in his image of you, the image he has created. To achieve these goals he relies on a combination of love, respect, and discipline.

His love for his little girl goes without saying. He loves her as much for who she is as for who she will become with his guidance. She is his prized possession. His eyes light up when she walks into the room and he takes great pride in her successes. After all, he helped to create her. She holds the most tender part of his heart and has the greatest power to hurt him.

This love would not be possible without respect. A Daddy Dom needs to feel pride in his little girl. He needs to know she can hold her own in the outside world and still submit to him. He holds the greatest respect for the gift she has given him and takes great pains to increase it’s value. It is extremely important to him to know she can be with any man and she chooses to be with him.

He knows that this makes discipline a priority in their lives, more important than in some other D/s relationships. In order for the little girl to really trust, she must know he means what he says. If his little girl is going to be the best she can possibly be he must stand firm. He uses his experience in life and his knowledge of her to provide proper direction and punishment when the need arises.

If he does not enforce discipline, this respect becomes a tenuous thing. If his submissive finds that she can manipulate him out of punishing her, she begins to lose respect and the ability to empower becomes impeded. He understands that it becomes increasingly difficult to be possessed by someone you do not respect.

This takes great strength on his part. It takes strength to control her, and to shape her to his needs and desires. It takes strength to be her confidant, her shoulder, her anchor. It takes strength to let her out into the world when all he wants to do is hold her safe in his arms. And it takes strength to do what is necessary when she needs to be disciplined.

A Daddy Dom provides something else that is very important to his submissive…acceptance. She is safe in his arms because he knows her, everything about her, and he still loves her. When she goes to him she knows that this man knows all of her dirty little secrets and it doesn’t matter. To him she is beautiful.

I think most Dominants have a bit of the Daddy in them, taking on the role of male authority figure in the submissive’s life and using their power to enrich that life. Daddy/little girl verbalizes that feeling, and adds a dimension of warmth, caring, and ritual that it’s participants crave.

A Daddy Doms traits.
(found here)

A Daddy Dom for me is a man who is mature, loving and caring. He sees himself as a caregiver, an alfa protector. He worships his little girl from above, not from below. He get to know her so deeply that he can tell when she is good to herself and when she’s not. Then he steps in and corrects, puts up rules and regulations. Only when it’s good for his little girl. He spoils her with love and affection and is never cheap with words or other proof of his affection.

He is a true father figure. He likes to take care of others and find satisfaction in seeing his little girl blossom. He finds personal pleasure in making his little girl into the best person she can be.

He is a dominant which means that he takes charge in sexual situations as well as in situations of danger or need. He knows that spanking and other BDSM-related activities strengthen their bonds to each other and gives his little girl pleasure, comfort and other emotionally valuable results.

He takes pleasure in seeing his little girl light up at his presence but also her dark glittering eyes as he controls her in bed.

A Daddy Dom is very proud of his little girl. Often she has is a leader or strong career women outside of their relationship but within the walls of their private space she is his little girl. Free to be little as well as sexually craving without boundaries.

To me a Daddy/little girl relationship has nothing to do with age and more to do with the type of relationship the two have together. The Daddy is the nurturer, the safe one and the object of sexual obsession for his little girl.

Little girls tend to be very obsessive about their Daddies. One might even say needy for Daddy’s attention and his body. Daddies will probably understand what I mean. She may have a successful career, be top in her field but she knows Daddy is always there for her in their private world together. She looks to Daddy for love, comfort and He is her sexual desire. She looks up to Daddy, admires him, and trusts him.

Daddy feels needed, adored and worshipped by his little girl. He is almost everything to her. His little girl will do almost anything to please Daddy, to make him happy.

He will always listen to her opinions, thoughts and feeling, because he is interested in her mind as much as he is her body.

A little girl is honest and trustworthy to her Daddy and his private thoughts, desires and actions. It will be her place to relax, where she can show all her emotions without holding back, be free.

The more I read, the more I started to recognize what my own relationship is. The way they talk about their relationship in this article is how I feel about my partner. I absolutely trust, adore, and want Jake in every way. I find the term “Daddy” unsettling but I’m sure the more it rolls around in my head I could get used to it. It truly is how things are in Jake and I’s relationship.

I used to think about it more often, but it’s true. I picked Jake because he’s helping me to be a better woman. He helps me make good decisions, even when I don’t see their wisdom right away. Jake is definitely an alpha male so it’s no surprise he would excel as a dom. I enjoy the idea of being submissive. I have given up all my control to Jake, because I have utter trust and faith in him. I’m going to do some more exploring of this concept, it intrigues me greatly….

Nuptials & Musings

The real reason I gave up my friends is because I am antisocial.If I really wanted to fight for them, I could have. Or I could have left Jake. I wanted to have friends, go out and do things, but it was impossible with Jake. Jake did not approve of my having friends outside himself, and eventually, I have come to realize I don’t need anyone else. “Baby, if all I’ve got is your hand in my hand, then I can die happy.”

Just yesterday at my work, I received a phone call from a familiar voice. It was pretty nice to hear my old co-worker’s voice on the phone, Taron. He sounded so jovial when he gave me a call. He said he heard about me moving to a different hotel with Latta and Kristin and commented how small our industry is, how he was of course going to find out. I’m really glad that he reached out. He was always so nice, even if he was a gossiping blabber mouth. It was still nice hearing from him, and I managed to spread the news about Jackie further. *devious laugh*

He was so kind to me. He had nice things to say, like the fact that my old co-worker Selena loves me and they talk me up a lot over at the Waterford, soon to be second Renaissance in OKC. He described me as someone with a calm demeanor who got the job done, and that made me feel pleased with myself.

He mentioned my old team and how good we all used to be, and I remember them fondly. Matt, Bria, and Taron were my night crew and I could trust them to handle the front, would tell them, “you guys know where to find me” and I would let them handle things. They were a team I could trust.

I told him about getting engaged. Sometimes, I still can’t believe it myself. Sometimes, I find myself wondering if it is a stupid thing to do. I know that things aren’t perfect between Jake and myself, and maybe I’ve given him reason to doubt in the past… but is he ultimately right for me?? In a long standing, time withstanding way?? Will he always be there for me? Does he love me truly?

“My sister told me a soul mate is not the person who makes you the happiest but the one who makes you feel the most, who conducts your heart to bang the loudest, who can drag you giggling with forgiveness from the cellar they locked you in. It has always been you.” -Sierra Demulder, Love, Forgive Me

“My dear, find what you love and let it kill you. Let it drain you of your all. Let it cling onto your back and weigh you down into eventual nothingness. Let it kill you and let it devour your remains. For all things will kill you, both slowly and fastly, but it’s much better to be killed by a lover.” -Charles Bukowski

If that doesn’t describe a little bit of marriage, I don’t know what else would. It was nice, that when I told Taron about my life and how things were going, when he said that I sounded happy. I am happy. Everyone can tell I’m happier. I’ll tell you what, there are no more panic attacks. Even with the decision to marry Jake, I don’t truly feel ill at ease. I figure that this will either make us split up, or we will be married like I really want. I want to be married.

What getting married means to me/why I want to be married;

When you’ve been with a person long enough, you find yourself studying them one night thinking to yourself, “Could I live with this, if this was what the rest of my life would be like? Do I want to see him everyday when I wake up, spend all my moments with him? Do I want him to be there at the end?”

I thought to myself, by this time, you know him. You know what he is truly like, all his ups and downs. You know he can be a horrible beast, or the sweetest thing when he wants to be. You know maybe you deserve more, but more wouldn’t satisfy you because they wouldn’t be him.

You know right now, do you want to marry this man or leave him? If you’re not going to marry him, then there is no point in continuing on. The thought of leaving Jake destroys me. I cannot bear the idea of us being apart, I hate the idea of my life being different. I hate the idea of Jake belonging to another, I hate even more the idea of him being alone. I want to be the one to love him, and I want him to love me. So I knew then that I wanted to be married to him, because I loved him so much it pained me horribly to think of a life where we aren’t together. I can’t stand the thought. I never want to leave Jake, or be left behind.

What being a (good) wife means to me;

Always remaining faithful, resisting temptation. Total acceptance of another person, being a nurturing role in their lives. I will be your caretaker, your best friend, and lover. We will share our lives together, make decisions together. I will not be alone anymore, there will always be him behind me. He will not be able to turn me away, threaten to make me leave. No matter how crazy I am, I will still be his wife, his partner in life. We are making a commitment to each other, a beautiful promise that I acknowledge will be hard to keep sometimes. It won;t always be good. It might have rough patches, things might go wrong. But we will still find a way to have faith in each other, even though it all. That is my aim.

Beautiful vows, Apache Wedding Vows

“Now you will feel no rain, for each of you will be shelter for the other.
Now you will feel no cold, for each of you will be warmth to the other.
Now there will be no loneliness, for each of you will be companion to the other.
Now you are two persons, but there is only one life before you.
May beauty surround you both in the journey ahead and through all the years.
May happiness be your companion and your days together
be good and long upon the earth.”