Birthday Reflections

My birthday has come and gone. 26 started as good year for me. It was the year I got married. I should have taken it as a good sign when I went one birthday without bawling my eyes out. 27 was not such a lucky start.

My 27th birthday began horribly. I had to spend it with my angry husband and alienated biological father. My husband and I got into a HUGE HORRENDOUS argument over the fact that my useless father doesn’t have a vehicle. He had a 2 o’clock curfew for the half way house with no ride home.

Jake would not allow us to give him a ride because of the contents of his pockets. He had good reason to deny the request seeing as we never know what he might be carrying- but Jake has been pulled over exactly ONCE in the almost 4 years I’ve known him.  I figured it would be safe enough, so I argued with my husband.

I had a mental breakdown first thing in the morning since we were arguing about it as soon as we woke up. He screamed bloody murder at me in the car and told me he didn’t care about me. On my birthday at some point he inevitably suggests we shouldn’t be together anymore. He has a specialty in fucking the day up, always needing to bring me to hysterical tears.

I was bawling in the walgreens we went to pick a father’s day card from. My birthday was 2 days before Father’s Day. I was already late to my meeting with Johnny. That was traumatic in and of itself, standing in the walgreen’s greeting card aisle tears streaming down my face as my husband disrespects me and cusses me as I frantically search through the cards.

So many wrong cards for Johnny; Best Dad Ever, You’re My Super Hero, Thank You For Always Being There For Me Dad, I Love You. It’s more like-

Dear Biological Father;

I wish my mother had never told me about you. She kept the secret from me for over 20 years, what was the rest of my life? I would have preferred she took her secret to the grave. I don’t want to know you or love you. I wish you were a long-forgotten lover of hers. I wish you had remained a distant memory from her past. I wish you had never reconnected, or ever showed me any love. I regret knowing about you, and wish I could forget she ever told me about you. 

Be Gone.

On the way out of Walgreens, Jake threatened to throw me out of the car and leave me. He screamed more at me, and I bawled uncontrollably because he’s always threatening me with divorce, making me feel like I’m not wanted.

When we got to my mother’s house where Johnny was waiting, Jake went so far as to threaten to leave me alone. He got in the car and started it up. I stayed standing on the porch in front of the front door with my heart in my throat from my nervous breakdown and the stress of seeing my father for the first time in two years, before I collapsed into tears out of sight of the front window and by my mother’s front yard fence.

There were so many feelings mixed with Jake’s hurt he inflicted. I hadn’t seen my dad in two years on purpose. We hadn’t spoken, and I felt wretchedly guilty about shutting him out of my life. I felt ashamed of myself. I was scared to look him in the eyes. I was afraid he’d look at me with an angry or injured expression, and I felt like I couldn’t escape.

Instead he held me non-judgmentally while Jake was making me cry. His embrace was so warm and sincere I definitely felt comforted from my earlier breakdown. I cried in his arms, but I think he thought I was emotionally charged from seeing him again, which I was partly. It felt good to be forgiven without having to ask.

I hate him for loving me the way I want to be loved. No one has loved me like him since my ex Elizabeth and my Grandma. He doesn’t believe I can do anything wrong. I am golden to him, and it’s a fucking crying shame to be so revered by someone you cannot even bare to speak with.

It feels wretched to me, to crave his perception of me and his love, but to not be able to welcome him into my life. I feel like me and my parents are standing on two different sides of a canyon, I can’t love them even when I try.

If I want Johnny’s good, I have to accept his bad, and I won’t. I can’t. So if I can’t stomach his bad, I don’t deserve his good. You can’t pick and choose what you want from a person, you get all of them or nothing. And with Johnny, I find myself wondering how safe nothing is.

Is it worth this empty feeling inside?

 

What does paradise look like? I wouldn’t know, I currently reside in Hell.

I’ve been having troubles in the relationship department. I fell into a real funk/depression and I stopped paying attention to my basic needs, and those of my partner. I started acting really selfish and lazy, unmotivated and feeling greedy. I was craving comfort and destruction equally. I had previously banned bread from my diet, but now I ate it voraciously. And one night, I thoughtlessly agreed to go out for drinks with my male coworker and boss, the assistant manager.

I did not think Jake would know that I wanted a drink. (I ended up drinking more like 3) I thought we’d go there, make a little small talk for an hour while we drank, and that would be the end of it. I never had any designs on the man, because I actually suspect the assistant manager could be of the gay persuasion. I find the man enjoyable to talk to, he is my new Blake, but I don’t want him. I have what I have, and I am lucky to have him. Jake, the man who helps to save me from myself. He is giving me structure I have not previously known. I know that I require more discipline in my life, and he is just the sort of man to help me with those lessons in life. 

tumblr_n5qc2n3owF1rtqolxo1_400

Anyway, even though I know my boyfriend is a very possessive, jealous man, I agreed to go out to a bar at night with another man. It doesn’t matter that I think that man is gay and I never wanted him for myself. I have an excellent man, and he seems to think I am hell bent on breaking his heart. I break his trust all the time, and I was sorry that I decided to go out and thus disrespected my man. There are plenty of empty headed girls that would follow all his orders, who am I but one he could discard? Sometimes I feel like I am not worth the trouble. I just feel grateful to be able to stay here, and not go out on my own. For indeed, if my darling decides to make me leave anytime, I already know for sure that I will not return to my childhood home. I will be on my own, and if I am too scared to break loose and pursue those corporate dreams and live the independent life I’ve always dreamed, then I deserve all the bad treatment I allow myself to endure. I’m not ready to go anywhere, I feel very secure here in this home I have made with this man. We have been together a year next month and I don’t see us ending anytime soon, unless he wishes it. I always vehemently claim my love towards him and refuse to leave, even when he threatens I should. But he does not do that so often, in fact, I felt a great warmth and joy spread throughout me when he admitted that he loved the way I felt in his arms at night, he liked it when I cooked for him, he loved kicking it with me, and he loved having sex with me and thought me to be incredibly sexy. We both love that we are nerds of a feather, flock together. When he first showed me his collection of Dragonball Z movies, I was thrilled to learn we had that great thing in common. We both were passionate about nerdy things and shows and characters. He thinks I am the coolest, and he once told me that he wants to stay with me forever. He gets a little irritated when he refers to marriage nowadays, because he feels like I’m just holding out, ready to break his heart, since I won’t accept his hand in marriage. It’s just that I know how much he makes me cry.