*Trigger warning for suicidal thoughts* Continue reading
- What does your ideal day look like?
An afternoon spent outdoors, reading a book with nowhere to be.
- What did you want to be when you were younger? A writer, songwriter. When I was really young I wanted to be a singer like Selena 😛
- Who are you most inspired by? Why? I am inspired by my husband and his pragmatic view on life, and his loving nature. He’s went through a lot but he still helps those who are less fortunate.
- Who would you love to meet? What would you ask? Harriett Tubman. I would just want to hear more about her experience working for the Union during the Civil War.
- What habit would you most like to break? What habit would you most like to start?
Smoking would be a good habit to kick for my health. I would like to someday be the type of person who gets exhilarated at the thought of working out. (Currently, that is the not the case.)
- Think of a person you truly admire. What qualities do you like about that person? In my career, I have found myself thinking of my previous boss Latta lately. I want to be as good at my job as he was. He was a very supportive and cool boss. He got to know you, talked and joked with you, and bought you lunches- sent you on runs when you got stressed and needed to get away. More than anything, he trained you to do your job well so his would be less of a headache. He was an empathetic leader, rather than boss.
- How do you like to relax? Relaxing with soft music and candlelight in the bathtub
- When was the last time you did something you were afraid of? It was in my career. The last thing I was afraid to do was apply for the front office manager position a few months back. I was terrified because I didn’t really want all the stress that went with all the responsibilities. It worked out for me, because I didn’t get the position. My manager did not feel I was ready, and I hated to agree with her.
- What are you most proud of? I am proud that my life doesn’t revolve around alcohol and getting fucked up, forgetting myself, anymore. I have moved past that urge and stage of my life, all because of my husband.
- What are you most afraid of? Probably being raped, or held up at gunpoint or a scenario where both of these events are likely i.e. the apocalypse or zombies
- If life stopped today, what would you regret not doing? I would die regretting how things have become between my mother and my self. I can (and am) write a novel about the sorrow and disappointments that we’ve had together.
- Who would you like to connect (or reconnect) with? Why? I miss my Grandpa. He has always supported me and loved me, even if he doesn’t know me that well. It’s not anyone’s fault, we’re both just busy and the whole family has fallen apart since Granny died.
- What qualities do you admire in others? Creativity, quirkiness, outgoing behavior
- What practical skills do you wish you had? I wish that I could master basic cooking and/or baking. Skills in the kitchen would be nice. I would also like to know how to clean and cook fish properly but never done that before.
- Imagine you’re in your 90s. What memories would you like to have? What stories do you want to tell? I would tell about the enormously successful life I’d had as a published author and screenwriter and all the money I earned; the nice house I lived in with all my foster children and loving husband.
- What is your favorite book/movie/song? Why?
My favorite book in the entire world is Gone with the Wind. I am rereading it for the 8th year in a row as I do traditionally. These two characters were made for each other in a way that no other two people have ever been. The world that Mitchell created is so immersive and well-crafted. I loved how the characters went so well together and I absolutely loved the character of Melanie Wilkes. She reminded me of my grandma; a great lady. The way that Scarlett changed as the world changed around her was very gripping and hard to put down.
- If you could make one change in the world, what would it be? I would take down Mcdonalds/discourage widespread commercialism for fast food restaurants/make America slimmer & healthier/make healthy food popular, fast, and easy to get
- What do you love to do for, or give to others (not an object – something from you personally)? I like to give compliments to people.
- What excites you? Art and writing; geeky TV shows
- What do you wish you did more of? I wish that I worked out more, and worked on my art/collages more often. I am much more creative than I have acted lately.
- Pretend money is no object. What would you do? Buy a new house and hire a professional decorator to do the house. Build a tree house in the backyard. Get a bitchin’ car. Pay for my mother’s rehab. See a therapist regularly.
- What area of your life, right now, makes you feel the best? The best section of my life right now is my marriage. My career has been in a rut, and my family life is dismal.
- Which area makes you feel the worst? Why? The family life is bad, and it’s bad because none of us are putting in any effort. We never try to see each other anymore. We’re all “busy” and we don’t know each other anymore. Splintered, apart. Sad.
- Let’s jump forward a year. What would you like to have achieved in the past year? I would like to secure a better paying job and tweak my career some. I am open to new avenues and exploring different options. I’d like to have a job that was monday through friday, sitting at a desk somewhere. Making a lot more money, sitting comfy. I want to have gotten rid of a substantial amount of our shared debt.
- What piece of advice would you give to five year old you? Sixteen year old you? Twenty-one year old you? Right now?
Five: “Don’t let everyone push you around, you deserve your own opinions just like anyone else.”
Sixteen: “When Granny goes into surgery, spend more time with your mother. She’s scared and anxious and she just needs you around. Be more patient; go with her to the shops when she goes to look at plants. It doesn’t matter that you hate plants and find it boring. Don’t be an asshole and sit in the car reading manga ignoring her. She needs you, you’re going to be her only person. It feels weird and tense right now, but your rocky relationship with your mother is only going to get worse. She’s going to fail you someday, and you should concentrate on trying not to be so disappointed when it happens. Be strong.”
Twenty-one: “You’re doing you, just fine! You’re going to look back on these days fondly. But for heaven’s fucking sake, when Joshua comes into your life with his poetry and artistic streak, don’t be tempted. He will ruin you, and there’s nothing beautiful about it. Don’t risk yourself on him. Get back together with Hakim immediately when he asks.” (A Great Regret of My Life)
Now: “You need to care more about yourself, try harder. It takes effort to maintain a positive attitude, but you can’t afford to let your depression overwhelm you and take control of your life. You’re not your best when you’re depressed, so fight it. Pay attention. Be mindful.”
- How do you want to be remembered in life? Someday, I want to be the kind of Mom my Granny was to me. I want to love some little light with all my might. I want to love them, praise them, and turn a blind eye to all their faults. I will build them up, make them loved and supported. I want to be the kind of mom that doesn’t have to scold you, the look of disappointment on her face is enough to make you feel ashamed. I want to raise good kids, whether they are my own or not. I just want to share my love and make the world a better place by raising children to be empathetic, kind adults.
Alternative title: Almost, But Never Was
The other day I went shopping at Wal*Mart and I ran into an old acquaintance. Of all people, I ran into Asta- Hakim’s Grandma. It was a pleasure seeing her. One thing I regret about discontinuing the friendships I had with my exes was my right to know about their loved ones~ Both Tyler (my first bf) and Hakim had grandmothers that I adored and they liked me, too.
Hakim’s family called her Dada, which is what I always knew and called her by as well. Seeing her was so weird and funny because it just reminded me of how different my life could have been. I kick myself every time I think about how I chose Joshua, the no-good drunk of my life, over Hakim, a perfectly stable and nice young man who loved me and missed me. He tried to get me back after we broke up, and I stupidly chose Josh thinking I was deeply in love.
Deeply deranged in the head, maybe.
If I had chosen Hakim back then, he would have likely became my husband instead. I love Jacob so very much, but I wonder sometimes how much happier I could have been with Hakim. Hakim and I were very similiar, that’s why we made a good couple. We were both sensitive people who enjoyed the same things, were spontaneous and liked to be involved in cool things. My relationship with him was easily one of the most stable relationships I ever had, and I miss those times sometimes. We had a lot of fun together. We had a lot of common interests.
We went out all the time. Hakim had a very good job and he drove a nice car. He was so sweet and thoughtful and generous. He bought people presents just because~ for no reason, he just wanted to spread cheer. The first date we ever had remains the best first date I ever went on to this day.
I suppose I’ve been thinking about it because I am slightly disappointed in some aspects of my marriage. I dislike how stagnant things are sometimes. Jake is stingy when it comes to going out. He refuses to go to expensive restaurants. In fact, the last nice place we went for dinner was an absolutely miserable date because he thought we might end up spending $60 on the meal, including the tip amount *rolls eyes*
I crave the experience of dressing up and going out. I want to look nice and be on my husband’s arm, have him be proud to take me somewhere rather than grudging. I haven’t felt very attractive lately in his eyes either. I feel like I am starving for compliments and sweet endearments. I just want him to say nice things about me to me, and how pathetic is it when you have to ask???? No bueno.
Our sex life is pretty much in the same boat. We never do anything new, and it’s not my fault. I might be just a little too adventurous for Jake. And by that, I mean I actually enjoy and want to try different forms of foreplay but to him that would just be a big waste of time. He’s too impatient to get on to the sex, and I never feel wooed. Just pressured. Our sex is like clock work, something I have to do in a timely fashion before he freaks out that I haven’t offered. God forbid he spend some time making out with me or heavy petting me to put me in the mood, oh no.
He doesn’t kiss me passionately. He doesn’t stare into my eyes like he loves me. I know he does, I just sometimes wish he could be more expressive about things. S0metimes I feel like we lack intimacy since he rushes things so much.
We’re definitely comfortable together, though. We have fallen into a routine. Come home, smoke, eat until it’s time to have sex and go to sleep. We both love to eat. We eat out of boredom. We both have been known to binge eat. We both love playing on our computers and watching the same TV shows. I am happy. I have found what I was looking for when I first got together with Jake;
“What I want is to be needed. What I need is to be indispensable to somebody. Who I need is somebody that will eat up all my free time, my ego, my attention. Somebody addicted to me. A mutual addiction.”
― Chuck Palahniuk,
I needed someone who would never tire of me. I somehow got what I wished for; Jake is obsessed with me, I am his one and only. I am his wife and his best friend. Jake doesn’t like to spend time with anyone else, he has no other friends. I am his everything. He wants to be by my side always, literally. The only time I can be away from him is when I am at work. It gets tiring, but they do say “Careful what you wish for.”
Something Hubby and I have been doing it catching up on all the latest and greatest shows on TV. I feel like all the characters on Hulu are my friends now. These fictional characters took the place of my real friends. Lately we binge-watched the latest season of Walking Dead and I would be remiss if I didn’t share one of my favorite things from season 7:
It’s been about 2 weeks since I got married. I’ve been too busy to describe how great it is. The wedding was a pretty cool affair. It wasn’t as good as I would have liked it to be, we missed a few things. I never danced with Grandpa. And speaking of Grandpa, I actually might not be legally married since my Grandpa never went and presented his ordainment papers to the court and didn’t legally register. Oh well. If Jake and I have to do one more ceremony to make it legit, we won’t be mad. At least our loved ones gathered on that day and saw us joined in holy matrimony by someone who knows and cares about us.
From the beginning of Jake and I’s relationship, Grandpa was the one who backed Jake from the start. My mom had her misgivings in the beginning because he’s 12 years my senior. She wanted to know what he was doing with a girl as young as me. Plus, my mother will still tell you to this day that Jake took me hostage. In a way, she’s not wrong. From the first day we got together, I’ve been stuck like glue to Jake ever since. Jake makes my heart swell sometimes when he says things. During our vows, Jake said that I’ve been his best friend for 3 years. He loves me more than anyone, he guides me the right direction in life and helps me to make good, responsible decisions.
Now this has kept me away from my mother and father. That is because they lead a bad life, they treat themselves badly and don’t take care of themselves. My mother lives in squalor and my father is in prison. They both struggle with addiction. I have a drug addiction as well, but at least my life isn’t falling apart around my ears. I do drugs, but I go to work everyday and I work hard and I make money. My body isn’t in the best shape and my mind neither, but at least I make money of my own. My mother and father sponge off other people. My mother is an emotional vampire.
My father never approved of Jake. One of the worst fights me and Johnny ever had was over Jake. I was outraged that Johnny would say anything bad about Jake when Jake is clearly the better man. Jake has taken care of me and provided for me since day one. When we first got together, Jacob did right by me. I remember feeling touched when we first got together because Jake said I didn’t have enough pants and we went to buy more clothes for me, because he cared. He’s always cared about me and did the right thing for me. When I first met Jake, I was living a bad life. I did have a drinking problem, even if I didn’t want to believe Jake at the time. Now I hardly ever touch the stuff, and I never drink alone.
At the wedding, it was chaotic as most weddings usually are. Even though I explained duties to people before the wedding, everyone was still looking to me to get everything done. I was stressed out beyond belief trying to coordinate everyone. It was very cool being a bride though- everyone does what you say, wants to help you in some way. I had my aunt running all over the gardens looking for Jake when we needed the car keys. My mother missed out on the getting ready pictures because everytime she came in the room, I had her go do something else to get things ready.
We were so busy, I almost didn’t have any time to get nervous. I’d been telling people for weeks, “I’m 98% excited, 2% scared.” But when it was all said and done and they’d finished getting me ready for the First Look photo shoot, I was standing in front of the mirror by myself in the bathroom holding my bouquet. I asked for a moment alone to practice my vows, and after I’d said them out loud for the first time, suddenly I was shaking. I know my eyes were huge as I walked out to meet Jake for the first time in his tux. I was shaking so much I couldn’t open a pack of mints my mother gave me.
After seeing Jacob for the first time, he was all I saw. When it came time to walk down the aisle, I literally couldn’t tell you who all attended my wedding. I had tunnel vision, I only had eyes for him. Suddenly, this moment in my life felt larger than life and he was everything. He will be everything from now on, and I have no regrets.
Something Old…….. My Grandma’s Wedding Veil
Something New…….. My Shoes
Something Borrowed…….. Rhonda’s pearl bracelet
Something Blue……. “I Do” blue polka dots for shoes
We’re married now, and things could not be better. Jake is worried that marriage will change something between us, and it has. I won’t tell him though- the main change I have seen between us is he seems to have sprouted more patience overnight. He is so nice and caring towards me. For the last two weeks, everything has been, “Whatever you want, babe.” He also gave himself to me completely, and I have done things as his wife that no woman will ever do. We are in love, and we are here to stay. My husband looks so freaking good in the photo above, they could slap him on the cover of the Men’s Warehouse magazine.
Jake and I had a big fight last night. He decided to be an utter asshole when I invited my cousin and mother over to the house in the middle of the night. It was about midnight, and Jake and I are up all night anyways. Jake immediately got hot under the collar when I told him they were coming, reminding me how little sleep he got before going into work that day. OK, so??? Like you weren’t going to be up all night with me anyhow. I know for a fact we were up until at 3 in the morning that night, if not later!
I had been trying to compromise from the get go. First my cousin asked if I would meet him at my mother’s house, and I told him no and invited him over so that me nor Jake would have to leave the house. I thought that would be better than me leaving him at the house, or worse, trying to convince him to go to mom’s.
As predicted, he was really irritated about them coming to the house. And when I ventured to him that perhaps we might go over to mom’s house for just a short while, that pissed him off more. He didn’t want to leave the house, and he got super pissed at me I guess from the lack of sleep but really because he can be an A-Class asshole sometimes.
Long story short, about 10-15 minutes after I made the plans with my cousin, I had to suppress my tears from our fight long enough to appear calm and call my family. I made a lame excuse that Jake had just reminded me we were supposed to go to the gym to save face for him, and that was that. Jake still proceeded to look at me like I was crazy, and he continued the fight for another 2 hours or so reminding me constantly that I’m selfish and I don’t care about him and maybe I should just leave if I want to party all night. Yeah, spending some time with two other people in my family is REEEEAAAALLY PARTYING IT UP MY FRIEND >_<
He made me so mad and made me feel like dog shit on his shoe. He ground me into the ground, stepping on me over and over again, telling me how I make stupid decisions and I make him feel sluggish and unmotivated. Like I’m the worst person in the world and I’m the one that’s doing him so wrong, like I’m not the only one in his corner urging him on. I am his only friend, I put up with him day and night and I’m willing to do so because I love him. But he sure did make me feel bad last night.
The feeling continued into today. He seemed kind of cool towards me and it made me worry that what he said in heat was what he really meant. He said he didn’t want to be with me if I was going to keep him from his goals, his primary being to pass the national certification test. ONE NIGHT, I got irritated that he was playing a tutorial on youtube and netflix on another tv. The conflicting noises annoyed me, and I told him to turn his tutorial down. Ever since then, he says he’s not allowed to study around me and that I’m holding him back by not going to the gym with him more often or letting him study. I’m okay with both of those, I argued with him that just because ONE NIGHT I’m annoyed, that doesn’t mean the rest of his days he isn’t allowed to study, FUCK!!! He annoys me tremendously and has been sliding back into a suspicious mindset.
He gets upset whenever I am late from work. SORR-EEEEE I WORK FOR A GODDAMN LIVING. Occasionally, instead of leaving at 11:00pm as I am scheduled, I end up leaving a little late finishing up this or that at work. I used to be sneaky and claim to be late when I was really planning an outing, but NEWSFLASH: I don’t have illicit outings anymore. I have not been doing any shady dealing for a very long time. I gave that stuff up when I decided I wanted to marry him, BEFORE that even. I just don’t get how he can still judge me by my past so harshly when I forgive every other slight that he wounds me.
It’s definitely not fair, but then, who said life was fair? He’s been disconcerted lately because we’ve barely had any days off together in the past 2 months or so. I haven’t made it a priority to get those days off together and now I see that is a mistake. I will have to be more adamant in the future that I at least get one day off with Jake to ease his anxiety. I think he really just misses me, so I shouldn’t be so paranoid about the mean things he says when he’s mad. Maybe he didn’t mean it.
Horror of horrors if he did.
Tonight, I received a call from my mother. She was inquiring on my Grandpa’s behalf if I could give him a discounted room for the evening at my hotel. You see, I happen to know my Grandpa was traveling with his girlfriend from South Dakota where he’s on site working.
I was a little surprised that Grandpa was willing to bring the girl by. In the past, he’s always kept his illicit actions more to himself and he tries to show me his best self. I wasn’t upset, he cheated on my saint of a grandma, and I don’t harbor any love towards his current wife. I do feel a little bad for her. Pretty much as soon as my Grandpa gets married, it’s time to find a girlfriend. I kind of took it as a turning point in our relationship, like he considers me more of an adult. I will admit, I was a little jealous when I heard he had my cousin picking up jewelry for the woman, and he was pretending like she didn’t exist when he talked to me. This levels the playing field.
A lot of my family have this infidelity problem. My aunt is a serial whore. She and her husband have some kind of sick agreement, in which he remains depressed and drunk constantly to deal with her many going ons. He won’t leave her though because he can’t take care of himself, he needs her to be his housewife and mother of his children. So she does all her sleeping around to satisfy herself since she has chosen to tie herself to a man she no longer respects as a man. She has said she considers him another child to be taken care of.
My uncle Matt has brought a mistress to family functions before. Grandpa doted on the woman’s child he brought along. It’s just something that our whole family has touched on or experienced first hand. I have been a cheater myself in the past, but no more. I was young and stupid.
Now I am ready to be committed to Jacob. (I never cheated on Jake.) All the while I was thinking of my unfaithful relatives, I had in mind the concept of a wedding. Now was not the right time to tell Grandpa that Jake and I are engaged, although I wanted to. Maybe Jake might wonder with how shameless my family is if fidelity would be an issue on my part. I wanted to assure him that while I do have all those bad influences in my life, I also have one shining light. A beacon, a person who was my lighthouse in life.
My Granny was the most splendid person in the world. I miss her everyday. All these other people in our family don’t respect marriage, but she did. She showed me how sacred the vow is and how to love and respect someone. She loved Grandpa desperately even when he cheated constantly and was away all the time for his jobs. She could of gotten remarried but she would never allow my Grandpa and her to get a divorce. They were separated, but not officially. Until the day of her death, she was his wife.
I could be a good mother and wife if I tried to be half the person my Grandma was. I wish I could talk about all these wedding arrangements with my dear sweet Grandma, I can see in my mind the smile on her face. I miss her terribly. I feel that she would have really liked Jake and how well he takes care of me. I’m glad he and I are taking this step.
I can’t wait to make it official with rings.
When it comes to how I am lately, you’ll recall when we spoke last I was bobbing head barely above water. It would appear that since then, I fell back into a deep, dark abyss and have been dwelling there on the bottom for some time now without really being aware.
I have been able to shed some light on the situation I was going through. I have started practicing self awareness again the last few days. Finding myself again, having presence of mind. I had been neglecting myself for weeks. I had been on auto-pilot. I got up everyday, got ready for work, and went to go endure some high school girl drama bullcrap with my fellow female associates. Frequently when I arrive to work, the first thing done is for Veronica to come and pluck me by my sleeve away from the desk, or into an office with a closed door so that she can whisper her complaints about Jackie to me. And I am no fool, I am aware those two girls talk about me behind my back. It’s impossible, and work has become an uncomfortable environment for me.
There is unrest in the ranks. Jackie talks like she’s nice to me, and she absolutely hates Veronica. They started out as buds against me. Now I don’t know who I would rather miss. Jackie is very obviously unhappy and wants to go back to HR but there is no position for her anymore. Veronica went and did what I have secretly desired to go & do, and she had an interview at another hotel. (It didn’t go well, I already know the outcome.) I could do the same and give in to these two weak ass bitches, but I know I can outlast them. It’s just gonna be a merry, fucked-up time until one or both of these other two girls decide to leave and I’ll simply have to ride it out. Have patience, persevere. Do the best that I can, that’s all anyone can ask.
As if work is not stressful enough, I also have stress in my home life. And by stress, I mean that Jacob caught me going out to bars again. I went to the bar after work with my friend Whitney and once again with Miranda, my co-worker. How do I feel about my “transgressions”? Were they worth all the trouble that I am in? Absolutely not. I made a mistake by thinking I could get away with being a normal girl who has friends. I could have hung out with the two girls without alcohol being involved… but I decided that was lame. Simple as that. I was the one who wanted to include alcohol, and if only I would have deleted some pictures I would have gotten away with my indiscretion. It’s a good thing I didn’t, I guess.
Jake and I’s relationship is being tested again. He has to have it in his heart to forgive me for lying about my whereabouts. I know that I should not lie. I should not have lied to Jake. I have damaged his tentative trust in me once again. But he needs to learn to relax a little, I obviously love the fuck outta that idiot. He needn’t be so insecure, I am not looking for booty elsewhere. His worst fear is that I am having sex with someone else, and I most assuredly am not. I have had no interest in sex lately at all. But besides the point, I have been completely besotted with Jake as of late. (Before I fucked up, things were super great b/w us and he was trusting me when I came home late.) Now, I have made it where if I am 15 minutes later than midnight, then I’m fucked. It means I’m doing wrong, out and about. He has a tendency to lose his head about imagining I am doing horrible things, when really I am sitting at a desk in my office writing an e-mail at the end of the night. Jesus, calm down a little.
Before my debacle, I was considering marrying Jake. I was dropping hints left and right to him that I wanted him to propose to me, and now he never will. He is severely disappointed in me for lying to him and going to a bar. Jake takes alcohol so seriously. He can’t stand the idea of me drinking because he knows that means he’ll have to leave me. Jake has rigid standards and if I fail to adhere to them, he will not hesitate to cut another harmful influence from his life. If I do things to hurt Jake, then I’m not valuable. That makes sense. He doesn’t want to marry me if that is a risk, so I will have to show him it is not. I need more self-discipline.
I have to practice self awareness again. I have taken to studying my Buddhist Dharma cards again. I’m keeping a visual journal of my experience. I am trying to bring my sense of self back to me once more. I’ve been ignoring myself, ignoring how sad and down and out I have been lately. Nothing will change if you don’t first.
I’ve been needing help from my therapist lately, only I wouldn’t call her mine anymore. It has been so long since I went, and I miss it sorely. I really wish that I could go and see her again, but I have been ignoring myself and making excuses why I cannot go. I can go, I just don’t want to dedicate my time, effort, and $$$. I am being lazy. My mind is dull, unused here lately. I’ve been mentally checked out. I’ve been on rinse and repeat. Get up and do the same thing everyday. Work, come home, smoke and watch a buttload of Netflix. Struggle to have sex, go to bed. Get up and do it all over again.
I’m going to change that by paying more attention to myself and my actions. I don’t want to sit like a bump on a log all the time anymore and devote all my time to the internet. So lately, I have been doing a lot of collage works and working on the book This Is Not A Book by Kerri Smith. It is totally letting out some of my artistic inclinations and helping me to express myself. The dharma cards really help, too.
I’m just trying to repent for my actions with Jake. I can expect things to be hellacious for a few weeks to come. He gets really riled up when he thinks about me coveting other men, and he feels insecure frequently to always be bringing it up. I myself never understood why it was so unforgivable to be a liar, since I grew up in the presence of liars. I always understood people have their reasons for lying. I never questioned that, I guess it was a moral gray area I got comfortable in. I’ve learned to examine why someone felt the need to lie rather than getting mad automatically that they were. I can choose to get mad, or I can try to understand and get on with my day. Getting mad isn’t useful to anyone. Understanding, patience, compassion are the things I think that matter and I am going to need a lot of them for my future. I will have to let all y’all folks know how I do, I’ll check back in eventually. . . . .