I had the most bizarre Fourth of July this year. Get ready for a doozey.
Most of the day went normally. I had to work because I neglected to ask off for the holiday. At the end of my 8 hrs day, I drove home around 11pm and I receive a text from my mom not to answer any phone calls from her mexican lover, Johnny. Little do I know, my mother has involved me in her traitorous attempts to fornicate with her married ex-boyfriend. She told her very passionate mexican lover that she was leaving him to go and pick me up from work since in her lie I was getting off early due to the holiday.
Her boyfriend started to blow up my phone, texting and calling and I refused to answer any of these attempts to contact me. I let my mother know she should move her activities elsewhere via text and my anxiety was beginning to rise. The next thing I know, it’s after midnight, and he is showing up at my front door after all the missed calls. I was scared to let him know I was home, so I didn’t go to the door. Suddenly, I was overcome with fear as I remembered just what a hardened criminal my mother happens to be dating. He has served time in prison for shooting a family member, he has killed before. My mother likes that he’s not a good man, she wants a bad guy, so she can have fun.
My mother is spiraling out of control in the past year. I have noticed that she is doing drugs more regularly now and drinking more often, partying and making stupid decisions one after the other. First, she started dating the married man, then she got caught shop lifting, and through her bondsman she met her mexican criminal lover from her past. They were lovers when they were teens, reconnected after all these years, and at first the story was romantic.
It turns out that he is an alcoholic, can’t get a job, and his family is crazy. They have that crazy passionate mexican disruptive energy, and it would not surprise me in the least if in the heat of passion, this man were to gun down or strangle or hurt or kill or maim my mother. I was scared shitless that night actually, my heart hammering in my chest as I considered the possibility that he might really kill my mother as he jetted away from my home in his car. My mom lives mere minutes away, I thought he might bust in on them doing the nasty at any moment! He would hurt her!
I frantically dialed my mother over and over again but she would not respond. In a frenzy, I called my Aunt at 1 in the morning to see if I should call the police or not, when my stupid ass mother finally called me back!! Ultimate relief flooded me when she told me she and Robbie were not at the house anymore! But I was still scared, thinking that Johnny would be livid anyway when she finally showed her face. I was scared for her life.
There was no one else to check on my mother. All I could do was drive over to her house in the middle of the night and hope that a fight didn’t break out. As I was driving, I was so prepared to help save my mother, I even wondered if I should have brought one of our home defense guns with me. I reasoned that if he did attack my mother, I would at least be on the scene to call the police immediately. I crept outside her windows and strained my ears for sounds that my mother was alive and well. When I glimpsed her boyfriend through one of the back windows, he looked calm enough as he sat on the couch being soothed by her lies.
I cannot forget the extreme fear I felt though, thinking he might kill my mother. It is entirely possible, and I morbidly wonder to myself when I talk to my mom on the phone now, “Are these the last words she’s ever going to say to me??” She’s being incredibly stupid, she has a death wish, she thinks she can out smart Johnny and she is playing with a loaded gun. I am terrified for my mother’s safety if ever he were to find out about her duplicitous doings. If she cannot respect him in their union, she must end it, but she isn’t inclined to do so. When I bluntly stated to her, “Fuck Robbie, he won’t even leave his wife for you, and yet you’re willing to fuckin’ die for a piece of that?? WTF?” She just laughed at me and brushed me off. She insists there’s nothing to worry about, but how can that be when it is becoming increasingly clear to me that she doesn’t give a shit about her life and doesn’t want to prolong it?
My mother wants to drown, and I can’t go under with her, trying to save her. If she won’t let me help herself, there is nothing I can do to pull her out. Her depression and drug use are worse than they ever have been before, and I just do not know what I can do to help her, short of turning her in or narcing on her to her dad for her drug abuse so he can force her to seek help. She won’t though. And now I don’t want to see any of her boyfriend’s good qualities, my mind is clouded with fear for my mother’s safety and I am afraid of him now. I don’t even want him around, I can’t sit and chill in her living room with what could be my mother’s future murderer. That’s too fucked up, and I am freaking out about my mother’s situation in life. But what can be done? Nothing, dammit. And it’s killing me.