Life of Recovery? Not so much.

ONE DAY AT A TIME WISDOM
Reminder of the Day from Al-Anon book

Sometimes when we hear of our loved one “falling off the wagon” or having a “slip,” we admit that we’re angry at the person themselves. We’re mad at them for wasting our time and how they make us feel—

That’s the trick, not letting this person and their addiction have power over you. Even as the addict experiences a relapse, you must remind yourself that you yourself are not faultless. Sometimes even I stray from what I know is good for me, and choose to do harmful things to myself out of wrecklessness. I have to realize my relapse is just as involuntary and forgivable as theirs is.

How do you think?

You Think Creatively

Your brain works best when you let your intuition be your guide. You like to imagine, speculate, and fantasize. You have fun playing with ideas.

You are interested in theories. You enjoy studying and developing them.

You are drawn toward art and philosophy, and sometimes even math. Almost every subject is interesting to you.

Speaking of which, I did experience my own relapse if kinds. Every couple of weeks, I start to doubt myself and think to myself that I’m tired of weed, sick of needing it. I tell myself half heartedly that I am going to try and quit. The last 5-6 days, I haven’t had any and the result is I am a not very care-free or nice. I’m sullen and moody. I can barely tolerate myself, hate being in my own skin.

I can’t blame my mom for trying to avoid the same feelings; for wanting to avoid facing reality. We do the same thing, just on different scales and I am realizing that as I spark up for the first time in what feels like ages. It’s amazing how much more bearable I find myself, and it was weird, I started looking up research on line for marijuana addiction/anonymous groups and found some information that caught my eye:

Symptoms of withdrawal:
More frequent dreams
Irritability
Anxiousness
Depression
Moodiness

Usually these feelings can persist up to 3 months since marijuana is stored in your body’s fat calls and therefore takes longer to detoxify from.

I was like BULL SHIT. I knew right then and there that quitting wasn’t for me. Jake even said to me, “You’re just not ready yet to quit yet, babe.” Because I was explaining to him my wanting to crawl the walls feeling and how anxious and upset I was. He said regretably that it’s normal for it to suck at least as long as the website said :(((( I couldn’t stand it, 5 days was bad enough. I don’t even like my after 5 days without it. My father used to tell my mother,

“Beg, borrow, or steal, I don’t care what you do,
but I don’t want to talk to you without it.”

I guess I’m the same way. More like her than I like to admit.

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Happy Mother’s Day

depression

This is the most apt thing I’ve seen in a while.

How to Break a Broken Man by BattyNora
In Terminus, Gareth tells Rick that, as ringleader, he must pick one of the group in the train car to be sacrificed, but Rick refuses. Gareth attempts to convince Rick to choose by using Daryl, who has obviously already been beaten. To them it’s about enjoyment of causing people pain, both physical and mental, not about just getting food.

The Backcountry by silversundown
Survival horror, backwoods style: A weekend vacation to a tiny lakeside cabin turns out to be more than Carol bargained for. When Ed feels especially bad about a fight he takes her there to make up for it, but this time they aren’t the only ones roaming the woods. Faced with the real possibility of not surviving the trip Carol will have to make more than a few hard choices.


CAROL IS MY DARYL

In my perusal of the net lately, Carol has been getting a lot of shit!!! >o< WTF people? Bunch of haters. I absolutely love Carol and she is one of the shows most dynamic characters. She’s evolved into a stronger than steel woman from the poor battered wife she used to be.

When the group got to Alexandria and she posed as a timid woman to trick everyone about her cold and lethal viewpoint of the world, it was genius. She made it sound like she wasn’t brutal and ready to KILL. I thought some of her interactions with the annoying do-gooder Morgan were some excellent moments on TV. I was cheering on Carol as she tried to kill Morgan, because I believed more in what she believed- NO MERCY FOR YOUR ENEMIES. If they don’t kill them, they’ll come back to get them later. There will be no peace in letting your enemies live.

KEEP CALM AND
LOOK AT THE FLOWERS

I think it rattled Carol to step back into her timid self persona. She used this trick to pull the wool over the eyes of the Alexandria citizens and she and Maggie’s captors. She acted like she was a nervous nelly like she used to be, and maybe it did fuck her up, the poor thing. But she’s not a pussy now, guys!!! That’s what I keep seeing, people are disappointed/not understanding of her most recent actions in season six. She abandons the group, because she says she can’t kill for them anymore. Suddenly, she can’t bear to kill when she used to be the best at it, ruthless when she had to be.

Give Carol a friggin break, she held it together when she had to kill her adopted psycho daughter. I think she has been long due for a break down, so let her have it, people. She’ll wind back up with the others eventually. Carol always finds her way back.

So you need to come back from Kingdom.

These are strange times we live in

Strange But True vol. V

I visited with my mother, my aunt, and her boyfriend today. It was a pretty unpleasant experience actually. I hate to admit it, but my mother is poison that just friggin’ kills me. My Aunt Rob is very disapproving of her addiction as well. Rob only stays in town for one night usually because she doesn’t like being around my mom on drugs. She doesn’t bring her kids anymore because Mom is like how she is. It breaks my heart. It kills me.

My mom’s on her own, and she’s doing horrible. No one’s taking care of her, and I can’t. It’s too hard. I can’t, and I know that isn’t a good excuse. It feels horrible to know someone who won’t help themselves.

It was hard enough for me when I dated an alcoholic. Now I have an uncomfortable view of and relationship with my mother because of her drug addiction. I don’t come around because I don’t like her lifestyle, and her absence in my life makes me feel horrible. I don’t like to talk to her or be around her because I just can’t handle it. Being around er reminds me that I am failing her, and I feel ashamed of myself. I feel ashamed of her. I am resentful, and hopeless with despair.

My mom asked my aunt to talk to me. My mom still wants to invite her shithead friend Shelley to my engagement party. I do not like this bitch. I don’t care that she keeps my mom from being lonely. I don’t like her because she encourages my mom’s lifestyle and probably is stealing from her. I don’t trust the woman. And when my mom asked if she could have an invitation, I immediately felt hesitant because I knew if I felt the need to warn my mom she’s not allowed to be on drugs at the party because of Shelley, then I don’t want that fuckin’ bitch there.

However, she is my mom’s closest friend right now so I am in between a rock and a hard place. I am so upset at my mother for doing so badly and not being able to pull herself out of it. I am angry at her. I don’t know what I should do. Rob and I talked about mom going to rehab, and by God if it doesn’t sound like what she’ll need. I can’t help her. I can’t be there for her. She needs more help than I provide.

I want to show my mother I care about her, and that I need her to make this change. Mom. I miss you. I can’t stand that you’re letting this happen to you. I think it would be best for you if you went with Grandpa, and take Zeus with you. My mom needs to go somewhere she doesn’t know anybody and get away from the life and people she’s around now. I love you mom but you need it, you need to get away. I’ll miss you more than anything while you’re gone, but I want you to get better. I need you to get better. I need you, and I’m scared of losing you.Please go away, so you can come back. You can become stronger, you can do better. I know you can.

Things I am grateful for…
11. writers
12. warm, fuzzy socks
13. the existence of anime
14. I do not suffer from any deformities
15. a deep mind

The new job is going pretty well. It is wonderful to work beside Latta once more. My therapist said that I consider my boss ‘nurturing’ and I would have to agree, as weird as that sounds. Latta has always been a considerate, benevolent leader. He does well in his field, and he is a respectable figure. I count myself lucky, and the work is so EASY I find it a little dull. But I’d rather it be dull than my skull on fire and wishing I could die standing at the Renaissance.

My depression is still something I am struggling with. I stopped taking my medication because I don’t know which I should be on; anxiety or depression because I have both. Yesterday I spent a large chunk of the day with my mother and I wasn’t happy about it. We were supposed to be hearing Johnny’s sentence, but nothing happened. He never made an appearance because they deal they offered him was 20 to life. He wouldn’t accept, so they will reconvene on December 8th. Just longer for him to stay in jail. I felt bitter and upset thinking about my dad.

I could have spent more time with him before he went away, but did he even deserve my time? Part of me wonders if I had given more of myself to him, invested more effort, if perhaps he would still make the same decisions. I feel guilty because I can’t face my parent’s drug addiction, I try to lie to myself and say they’re okay by willfully not paying them any attention. Leave them to their own filthy habits, I thought.

But seeing my mother drowning like she is in a sea of despair makes even more guilt and sorrow grow in my heart. I can hear my dead grandma calling to me, insisting that I should be trying harder, and I find myself begging her to leave me alone, don’t make me undertake this huge responsibility. I can’t make my mother get off drugs, I do not have the time to dedicate to her problem.

I am plagued with thoughts of her untimely demise. Drugs and the company she is keeping will wind her up dead, and I am helpless but to imagine I will be the one to discover her, or my uncle, a dead body in the living room and all her personal possessions stolen by meth heads she called friends.

What am I supposed to do?

Deeply Disturbed Me

I had the most bizarre Fourth of July this year. Get ready for a doozey.

Most of the day went normally. I had to work because I neglected to ask off for the holiday. At the end of my 8 hrs day, I drove home around 11pm and I receive a text from my mom not to answer any phone calls from her mexican lover, Johnny. Little do I know, my mother has involved me in her traitorous attempts to fornicate with her married ex-boyfriend. She told her very passionate mexican lover that she was leaving him to go and pick me up from work since in her lie I was getting off early due to the holiday.

Her boyfriend started to blow up my phone, texting and calling and I refused to answer any of these attempts to contact me. I let my mother know she should move her activities elsewhere via text and my anxiety was beginning to rise. The next thing I know, it’s after midnight, and he is showing up at my front door after all the missed calls. I was scared to let him know I was home, so I didn’t go to the door. Suddenly, I was overcome with fear as I remembered just what a hardened criminal my mother happens to be dating. He has served time in prison for shooting a family member, he has killed before. My mother likes that he’s not a good man, she wants a bad guy, so she can have fun.

My mother is spiraling out of control in the past year. I have noticed that she is doing drugs more regularly now and drinking more often, partying and making stupid decisions one after the other. First, she started dating the married man, then she got caught shop lifting, and through her bondsman she met her mexican criminal lover from her past. They were lovers when they were teens, reconnected after all these years, and at first the story was romantic.

It turns out that he is an alcoholic, can’t get a job, and his family is crazy. They have that crazy passionate mexican disruptive energy, and it would not surprise me in the least if in the heat of passion, this man were to gun down or strangle or hurt or kill or maim my mother. I was scared shitless that night actually, my heart hammering in my chest as I considered the possibility that he might really kill my mother as he jetted away from my home in his car. My mom lives mere minutes away, I thought he might bust in on them doing the nasty at any moment! He would hurt her!

I frantically dialed my mother over and over again but she would not respond. In a frenzy, I called my Aunt at 1 in the morning to see if I should call the police or not, when my stupid ass mother finally called me back!! Ultimate relief flooded me when she told me she and Robbie were not at the house anymore! But I was still scared, thinking that Johnny would be livid anyway when she finally showed her face. I was scared for her life.

There was no one else to check on my mother. All I could do was drive over to her house in the middle of the night and hope that a fight didn’t break out. As I was driving, I was so prepared to help save my mother, I even wondered if I should have brought one of our home defense guns with me. I reasoned that if he did attack my mother, I would at least be on the scene to call the police immediately. I crept outside her windows and strained my ears for sounds that my mother was alive and well. When I glimpsed her boyfriend through one of the back windows, he looked calm enough as he sat on the couch being soothed by her lies.

I cannot forget the extreme fear I felt though, thinking he might kill my mother. It is entirely possible, and I morbidly wonder to myself when I talk to my mom on the phone now, “Are these the last words she’s ever going to say to me??” She’s being incredibly stupid, she has a death wish, she thinks she can out smart Johnny and she is playing with a loaded gun. I am terrified for my mother’s safety if ever he were to find out about her duplicitous doings. If she cannot respect him in their union, she must end it, but she isn’t inclined to do so. When I bluntly stated to her, “Fuck Robbie, he won’t even leave his wife for you, and yet you’re willing to fuckin’ die for a piece of that?? WTF?” She just laughed at me and brushed me off. She insists there’s nothing to worry about, but how can that be when it is becoming increasingly clear to me that she doesn’t give a shit about her life and doesn’t want to prolong it?

My mother wants to drown, and I can’t go under with her, trying to save her. If she won’t let me help herself, there is nothing I can do to pull her out. Her depression and drug use are worse than they ever have been before, and I just do not know what I can do to help her, short of turning her in or narcing on her to her dad for her drug abuse so he can force her to seek help. She won’t though. And now I don’t want to see any of her boyfriend’s good qualities, my mind is clouded with fear for my mother’s safety and I am afraid of him now. I don’t even want him around, I can’t sit and chill in her living room with what could be my mother’s future murderer. That’s too fucked up, and I am freaking out about my mother’s situation in life. But what can be done? Nothing, dammit. And it’s killing me.