Progress Not Perfection

Lyrics:

I’m so full of love I could barely eat

There’s nothing sweeter than my baby

I’d never want once from the cherry tree

‘Cause my baby’s sweet as can be

She give me toothaches just from kissin’ me

When my time comes around

Lay me gently in the cold dark earth

No grave can hold my body down

I’ll crawl home to her

*~*~*

My baby never fret none

About what my hands and my body done

If the lord don’t forgive me

I’d still have my baby and my babe would have me

When I was kissing on my baby

And she put her love down soft and sweet

In the lowland plot I was free

Heaven and hell were words to me

When my time comes around

Lay me gently in the cold dark earth

No grave can hold my body down


I saw a commercial today for Gatorade. Michael Jordan asked, “Do you want to know what the key to victory is? Defeat.”

There is something to be said in rising every time you fail. I was/am trying to quit smoking and I am making slip ups. If my goal was to give up smoking cold turkey, then I have failed my mission.

I feel so much happier when I smoke. I ask myself, “Why am I denying myself this? It feels so good.” It feels so good to not care. But god dammit, not caring is a slippery slope. I feel care-free right now and relieved from smoking some dirty resin. But how quickly care-free turns into a bottomless pit of despair that you’re sitting at the bottom of, smoking to forget where you are.

It’s terrible living in such despair. I have to stay away from it. I did a bad job lately when it comes to my self-reflection. For the past week and a half I have been neglecting to journal in my One Day at a Time journal and it’s fucked me up missing those days.

I have been participating in Al-Anon privately. Unfortunately, I’ve only ever went to one actual meeting and that was years ago for someone else’s problem. I realize I need to go to the meetings, I just haven’t made it a priority since I am trying to be dedicated more so to the literature. I’m on Step 4 right now which is to make a “fearless and searching moral inventory of yourself.”

That is a hard enough step without moving onto the next one. Step 5, “Become willing to admit these faults to another human being.” I made an appointment with a therapist. I could go to free meetings, but I’m too intimidated to go into a room of other people. I feel like I have to start small and admit my secrets to one person. Maybe she’ll be able to help me, but I can’t be sure. Then perhaps I can move onto the group meetings, I just feel not equal to it currently.

It’s hard to care about myself when I’ve spent so much time perfecting not caring. One nice thing about quitting smoking is that my dreams are coming back. I’ve been getting better sleep and feeling more rested. I’m not late to work because I’m smoking. I’ve been showing up to work earlier.

I have had to take more anxiety pills. It’s been 10 days since I’ve smoked actual weed. I have refrained from buying more. Technically, all I am doing is getting rid of the last of my stash. I just have a little resin left. I know I should throw it away. I have considered asking my husband to hide it for emergencies. I can’t bring myself to let him hide it, or throw it away.

Even if I’ve smoked resin a few times since Day 1, my habits are drastically improved. In my past life, I came home at 11:30pm and sat down in front of the computer and I smoked until sun up. Then I would wake and bake before work the next day. About 7 hours of the day is what I was averaging sober before. I am making progress, even if I’ve fucked up and indulged some. I just have to have a stricter resolve.

I have to remember that my discomfort is TEMPORARY. IT WILL PASS.


Steve Carell is known as a funny guy, but he has some excellent romantic roles in him as well. My hubby and I just watched;

Related image

He had some fucking killer lines. My heart broke for them. Some of my favorite lines-

Image result for seeking a friend for the end of the world quotesPenny: I wish I’d met you a long time ago. When we were kids.

Dodge: It couldn’t have happened any other way. It had to happen now.

Penny: But it isn’t enough time.

Dodge: It never would have been.

Penny: I’m scared.

Dodge: I… am madly in love with you, Penny. You’re my favorite, favorite thing.

Penny: I thought that somehow we’d save each other.

Dodge: We did. Penny. I’m really glad I got to know you.

Hard Times

All that I want is to wake up fine
Tell me that I’m alright, that I ain’t gonna die

All that I want is a hole in the ground
You can tell me when it’s alright for me to come out

[Chorus]
Hard times, gonna make you wonder why you even try
Hard times, gonna take you down and laugh when you cry
These lives, and I still don’t know how I even survive
Hard times, hard times

And I gotta get to rock bottom, uh

[Verse 2]
Walking around with my little rain cloud
Hanging over my head and it ain’t coming down

Where do I go? Gimme some sort of sign
You hit me with lightning, maybe I’ll come alive

[Chorus]
Hard times, gonna make you wonder why you even try
Hard times, gonna take you down and laugh when you cry
These lives and I still don’t know how I even survive
Hard times, hard times

And I gotta hit rock bottom, uh

[Bridge]
Tell my friends I’m coming down
We’ll kick it when I hit the ground
Tell my friends I’m coming down
We’ll kick it when I hit the ground
When I hit the ground, when I hit the ground
When I hit the ground, when I hit the ground

[Chorus]
Hard times, gonna make you wonder why you even try
Hard times, gonna take you down and laugh when you cry
These lives and I still don’t know how I even survive
Hard times (hard times)
Hard times (hard times)
Hard times gonna make you wonder why you even try
Hard times (hard times)
Gonna take you down and laugh when you cry
These lives and I still don’t know how I even survive
Hard times (hard times)
Hard times

And I gotta get to rock bottom, uh

Survey Fun

  • 1: What is your name and does it mean anything? Lacy, and no not in particular.
  • 2: How long have you known your best friend? Since I was 14, so 10 years.
  • 3: What position do you normally sleep in? On my right side with an arm under me and one leg curled up
  • 4: Were you a part of any “clique” in high school? The geeky one
  • 5: Who was your favorite teacher in high school and why? Mr. Thomas, my geometry teacher because he was the only teacher that cared to ask me if I was alright the year my life sucked the most.
  • 6: Do you wish to travel a lot? Not particularly.
  • 7: Did you participate in any sports while in school? I sure did not.
  • 8: Show a sample of your writing:

There was this babe lying there in the sun on the beach. And by babe, he meant this long-legged beautiful creature lounging on a florid beach towel. She lay exposed to the sun in her bikini, her body tan and muscular in all its splendor. Tiny beads of moisture shined on her flat stomach. When his eyes reached her dark head, he discovered her to be wearing dark sunglasses concealing her eyes, giving her a mysterious stranger aura and the sensual, satisfied smile on her face below the dark lenses welcomed the most entertaining thoughts.
If there were any day he could’ve been a ray of sunshine, he would have chose today, if only for the privilege to drape himself over that woman’s body as comfortably as the sun settled on her now.

  • 9: Have you ever given blood? No thnx.
  • 10: Do you like the way that you grew up? It was fine, I didn’t mind not having a dad around. He wasn’t around to miss.
  • 11: Do you like your siblings? Why or why not? I don’t have any.
  • 12: How did you meet your best friend and why did you become friends? We met our freshman year of highschool in english class. We became best friends our sophomore year when I started going to her house after school to have her help me with my geometry homework.
  • 13: Name one movie that made you cry. My Girl gets me everytime.
  • 14: Do you prefer to read poetry, write poetry, or neither? I prefer to read poetry and write prose.
  • 15: Things about someone that you find attractive? I find my boyfriend’s wide, ex-football player physique, thick neck,strong jaw, and big arms and hands all extremely attractive, he is so masculine it is enough to get me going alright 😉
  • 16: What song are you currently listening to? Of Monsters and Men – Little Talks
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ghb6eDopW8I
  • 17: Have you ever broken a bone? If so, how? N/A, I am a lucky duck. Busted my head open a few times tho.
  • 18: A random memory from you childhood: Head lice was like the plague in our neighborhood growing up, I can remember us publicly shaming one of the neighbor girls because she wanted to swim with us but the mother of the kids who owned the pool wouldn’t allow any of us in until we passed her test, and the fat red faced little girl China had to walk away in shame when the neighbor lady sent her home because she was the only one with lice.
  • 19: Where did you grow up? In a normal neighborhood with not really any crime with a couple kids my age
  • 20: What was the last thing you watched on tv? I am currently watching Daria.
  • 21: Do you think you’d make a good parent? Theoretically, yes, I do.
  • 22: Would you like to meet any of your Tumblr friends in person? I don’t have any tumblr friends anymore 😦
  • 22: What was the last dream you remember having? Directly from my dreamjournal-Bribery
    To dream that you are bribing someone indicates that you expect too much of others. You may be too demanding. In particular, if you dream that you are bribing a policeman, then you believe that you are above the law or rules. You think you can get away with being dishonest and deceitful.

    Drugs
    To dream that you are in possession of or taking drugs, signifies your need for a “quick fix” or an escape from reality. You may be turning to a potentially harmful alternative as an instant escape from your problems. Ask yourself why you need the drugs. What do you hope the drugs will achieve for you?

    Grandparents
    To see your grandparents in your dream symbolize love, security, wisdom and protection

    Hiding
    To dream that you are hiding suggests that you are keeping some secret or withholding some information. You may not be facing up to a situation or dealing with some issue. In particular, to dream that you are hiding from some authority figure (police, parent, teacher…) implies feelings of guilt.

    House
    If you see messy and/or dilapidated houses in your dream, then it implies that an aspect of your own life is in chaos. You may be suffering from some emotional or psychological clutter. You need to release these feelings in order to regain control.

    To dream that your house is broken into suggests that you are feeling violated. It may refer to a particular relationship or current situation in your life. Alternatively, it indicates that some subconscious material is attempting to make itself known. There are some aspects of yourself that you have denied.

    To dream that you are inside a stranger’s house indicates that there is something that you have yet to discover about yourself. It may mean that there are repressed memories, fears or emotions that you are not confronting.
    To dream of a dirty or messing room refers to an aspect of yourself that you are ashamed of or are refusing to acknowledge.

    Houseguest
    If you dream of an unwanted houseguest, then it indicates a realization that you are being taken advantage of in some area of your life.

    Marijuanna
    To dream that you are using marijuana implies that you are trying to escape reality. Perhaps you are trying to numb some emotional or psychological pain. Perhaps you feel that your identity and sense of self is being compromised or disrespected. It denotes a loss of control. You are trying desperately to escape. The dream may also be a reflection of waking drug use.
    To see or smell marijuana in your dream suggests that you are experiencing an expanded sense of awareness and consciousness. You need to take advantage and draw insight from this new consciousness. The dream may also mean that you need to look on your inner strength for stimulation instead of relying on outside forces.

    Panic
    To dream that you are in a panic indicates a lack of control and power in your life. You are feeling helpless in some situation or unable to make a clear decision.

    Raid
    To dream that you are in a raid represents your fears that some hidden aspect of your life will be discovered or made public

  • 23: When is your birthday? June 16th.
  • 24: How many pillows do you sleep with? About four or five, or one big hunky one 😉
  • 25: Do you wear glasses? If so, how long have you been wearing glasses? I do, and I have since I was 12 or so.
  • 26: What color is your hair? Dark brown, long.
  • 27: Name 5 facts about your appearance:-I have a nice smile, and I smile a lot.
    -I am 5’4″ and have been since middle school.
    -I have large breasts that are hard to ignore.
    -I have luxuriously awesome thick hair that I like to straighten into a sleek shine.
    -I am overweight and have bad posture.
  • 28: What is your favorite soda? I don’t like soda.
  • 29: What is a strange talent that you have? I’m double jointed in the fingers.
  • 30: How’s the weather right now? Dandy.
  • 31: Why did one of your friendships end? I found them boring. Them’s the breaks sometimes.
  • 32: Who do you miss right now? Sometimes I miss my ex, but only because I miss the dating style we had, which was more active than the current relationship I am in.
  • 33: Why did your last relationship end? My last relationship ended because he was a weight dragging me down, keeping me from succeeding in life.
  • 34: Are you still figuring out who you are? Most definitely.
  • 35: Have you ever been admitted to a hospital? Why? I’ve been to the emergency room for a severe allergic reaction to poison ivy but I have never been admitted, no.
  • 36: What is your favorite restaurant? It’s probably Park Harvey Sushi Bar and Grill, or else Zio’s or Italian food.
  • 37: What is a word that you always seem to spell wrong? judging
  • 38: Would ever adopt kids? Yes, actually, I think I could/would.
  • 39: What is your favorite kind of pizza? Alfredo pizza, Canadian bacon pizza.
  • 40: What was your first thought when you woke up this morning? “I’m siiiiiiiick.”
  • 41: When was the last time you got really really happy and why? I was immensely happy the other night lying down in bed with my lover. I was talking about how much I love and trust him and how lucky I am to have him, that he’s my one and only, and I would follow him anywhere. ❤
  • 42: What’s the strangest thing you’ve ever eaten? Perhaps squid???
  • 43: How do you start a conversation? Randomly, easily, with a question.
  • 44: What’s a band you’ve been obsessed with lately? Not band, but Lily Allen’s stuff has been captivating me here lately.
  • 45: Do you come from a family “of money?” Hell naw, we’re middle to lower middle class.
  • 46: Do you have a bucket list? I do, but it’s been some time since I looked at it.
  • 47: What is your favorite series of books? Harry Potter
  • 48: When was the last time you laughed so hard your stomach hurt? Earlier this year, can’t remember why though.
  • 49: Where do you go when you’re sad? The OKC Murrah Bombing Memorial, it is so peaceful there.
  • 50: 5 random facts about yourself:-I am seeing a therapist without the knowledge of my family.
    -I live with a man 13 years my senior and we have been dating 7 months, and he wants to marry me.
    -I secretly think about marrying him more often than I let on.
    -I obsessively listen to songs, and read and watch certain TV shows, often times playing them on loop forever.
    -Gone with the Wind is my absolute favorite book ever.