Addictions and What Like

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Jake and I have been watching the showย Shamelessย on Netflix lately. At first, I found the show to be entertaining- somehow making light of alcoholism and the myriad of other dysfunctions that are going on in the show. It made it seem funny somehow, when really it is just so fucking overwhelming.

The last episode that we watched together, I found my anxiety spiking. When I talked to my friend Latta about the show he told me the show actually stressed him out to watch and suddenly I felt the same way. The episode hit a little too close to home.

Frank the protagonist’s mother gets out of jail. She has been serving a 12 year stretch for meth and drug charges, been released on medical leave an old mean woman. Frank hates her as much as she bullies him and makes him take care of her personal hygiene and the like when she gets out. She’s old and decrepit and it is stated that she should be in a hospice.

She comes into some money that she exhorts out of her old business partner. Having been missing from her grandchildren’s lives growing up, she starts buying them gifts which wins her their affections. The two youngest children get spoiled and love her for it. She takes the youngest kid Carl and decides “let’s teach you a skill.”

In which she meant she was going to teach him how to make a meth lab. -___- In their attempts to get things started, the lab blows up and Fiona the oldest daughter and caregiver of the family banishes Frank’s mother from their home.

Frank’s mother is dying of pancreatic cancer. Frank responds to this by stealing her pain medication and disappearing. He leaves his mother with his girlfriend, Sheila. Sheila has publicly gone on record stating how much she hates this woman, yet in the face of her disease she starts to soften towards the older lady. With the help of her daughter’s ex, she takes care of Frank’s mom until she expressed the desire to kill herself.

Fiona the caregiver had out Frank’s mother in time out, she said. The kids weren’t allowed to go and see her. The grandma is mad that the children don’t come to see her. It seems like she is shameless like the show suggests because she doesn’t seem to think anything of her behavior; i.e. nearly getting a 10 year old killed in a meth lab explosion.

She doesn’t have any reason to live, no one wants her. Her son (Frank) hates her and doesn’t want to take care of her. Her grandchildren aren’t allowed to see her. She is already in a lot of pain. She asks Sheila to help her end her life, and Sheila obliges.

I had to change to something else to watch after that episode. The way the Grandma felt and the pity I felt for her unsettled me so much. It made me think about my own mother, a guilty feeling curling in my gut.

I never see my mother if I can help it. Her addiction and the people she spends time with make me stay away. I don’t feel safe when I go to her house, my childhood home. She must feel as lonely as the Grandma did, and it hurts me to think. She makes me stay away, she could be different, but she won’t be. I hate having to draw the line and never see her. Our family was never like that, and yet here I am. Alienating myself from her, because it’s easier than watching her suffer.

She suffers and there’s nothing I can do to change her behavior. She has to make the decision, but she hasn’t. She makes me stay away. She doesn’t want me around, or she would change. I know it’s impossible… I couldn’t do anything for Joshua either. They have to make these decisions on their own, and mom isn’t ready to. I can’t make her get a job, I can’t make her stop.

I want to be around her. I want not to be stressed out every time she calls asking for something. I want to be able to talk to her without feeling upset. She makes me feel so guilty, like if I could love her harder it would make a difference. But it wouldn’t, and it’s a hard pill for me to swallow. She keeps me away. I hate her for it. But they do say hate is love twisted, it’s that depth of feeling I can’t escape. I wouldn’t want to escape, I just wish she could make things easier. I wish loving her wasn’t so hard.

Loving my father is complicated, too. I value his love, but I hate his lifestyle. I can’t be around or even talk to him. He’s been living in a half way house and he and my mother have reconnected again. She gets to spend a few hours a day with him. And are they looking for a job for him to maintain his status at the half way house? No sireebob. (Who was surprised by that?)

As much as I dislike my father, I’m happy my mom is happy. They are a stupid couple that makes no sense. They both have too much pride to be together. They’re both too head strong. For their relationship to work properly, they’d both have to be different people. I don’t know how, but they somehow make it work even though they’re fighting all the time. They have a very on-again-off-again kind of relationship. It’s hard for me to keep up.

I am dreading December. My dad will get out of the half way house around then, and come back to live with my mom. They are talking about getting married. I would be thrilled if my mother got married, as much as I don’t like him. He loves me, maybe he’ll grow on me. Then she would be his problem. I never know what to do about them, besides hold them at arm’s length.

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GOTHAM: My Newest Obsession

I must preface my review with the admission that I know little of DC timelines, and Huntress and Batwoman have always been my main interest. I was very interested in this show because of the premise that it’s before Batman’s time. I’d heard good things. But I don’t know anything about nit-picky things that hardcore fans would know, this is just my opinion of the show ๐Ÿ™‚ Warning: CONTAINS SPOILERS!!!!

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IT’S DAMN GOOD TV!!

I got sucked into this series easily. The gritty quality of the show compared to spoof-like Batman movies was very captivating. It has had some very hard hitting issues take place in the show, one of which is the lovely Barbara going batshit nuts. She was already on the road there as we can see in season 1 with her instability.

I actually really liked Gordon and Barbara being together, and her obsession over him after their break up I find entertaining. How she is oh-so-deliciously-crazy and she half way wants to kill him or be killed by him, how wonderfully maniacal!! I can tell you, I was on the edge of my seat when she went Bridezilla.

I’ve enjoyed her transition in season 3. She is truly crazy and in charge, to a degree. She has her hot assassin girlfriend and her club, how could life be better? Her conversations with Gordon are still really stimulating and she’s just oh-so-funny. “What are you willing to give him?” “Boop!”

As for Jim, my heart bleeds for him as season 3 starts. He finally gets his head out of his ass long enough to go looking for Lee, only to find she’s happy with somebody else! D: WHYYYY. (Not that Lee is my favorite, just crying buckets over here for my little Gordon TT_TT)

His character is so much gruffer than when the series started. Gotham has chewed him up like a meat grinder and you can tell. He is so jaded this season and he truly seems not to care for people’s well being in the way he used to. When he was a cop, he would have done anything to protect Ms. Peabody rather than putting her in harm’s way. I miss this;

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Bullock is pretty hilarious. His loyalty to Jim is unwavering, and he is a cool guy. He has put his life and his good name on the line time after time to help his partner. Only a true friend would help you to clear your name once you’ve been convicted of murder. Speaking of…..

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Another character I’ve really enjoyed in this series has been Nygma!!!

Obviously, he’s seen better days and I am glad he is out of Arkham. I was really into it when he was on his killing spree, becoming the person he truly was. I thought it was so creepy yet cool how he chose to help Penguin in the woods and asked him to help him be a better murderer. His logical problems and riddles were adorable, and I couldn’t help but love him to pieces in the first season, the little geek. He reminded me of all the nerdy guys I knew grewing up, who found it difficult to approach girls.

His obsession with Miss Kringle was endearing, but his descent into madness after he accidentally killed her was the best. That was really good TV, and his plan to frame Gordon was very good. This show has the best way of ending episodes with endings that leave you screaming for more. I think hubby & I watched the whole series in a span of like 3 days haha

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I freaking love Alfred Pennyworth to death in this series. It never occurred to me before just what kind of childhood Batman endured after his parent’s death. I just always skipped ahead to his adulthood. I had given no thought to who first taught Bruce to fight. Alfred is a total bad ass in this series, granted he does get his ass kicked or stabbed frequently though lol

His personality is really spot on with the posh accent bit, but then he gets totally bad ass in defending Bruce. He will stop at nothing to find Bruce. I read a really touching fanfiction online actually that made me fall even more in love with his character: read it here

My Old Son byย Pickwick12
All about the developing relationship of Gotham’s Bruce Wayne and Alfred Pennyworth as they cope with the deaths of Thomas and Martha Wayne, because they deserve more fanfiction. Will follow the show but have original content. Potential spoilers for any episodes that have aired on US TV. Chapters 1-86 are companions to Season 1, 87-131 to S2, and 132 on go with S3

Lastly, my favorite villain is probably this guy.

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He’s just so fuckin’ wiley. I was ever so glad that Arkham didn’t beat the crazy out of him and he still had some leftover to give that bitch Grace what she deserved. That was horrible part to see one of my favorite characters go through. I am pretty enthralled by his recent developments, but not surprised. He somehow always has a way of coming out on top, that Penguin. I love his new and stronger alliance with Nygma, I can’t wait to see how they make their mark on the city.

Off to Eagerly await new episodes…….

Motorcycles

Jake got a motorcycle. It is a point of contention between us. One time, I cam home and it was sitting in our driveway. I was very upset that Jake had bought one, because I told him I didn’t want him to die and he couldn’t have one. He went and bought one after he found out I quit my job, like we discussed I was going to. I still worry about his safety.

Yesterday was the first day I rode on it. I can’t believe people risk their safety just to look cool and feel the wind in their hair. It was exhilarating, but more terrifying than anything. I have refused to help him pay for any of it as a point. I rode on it yesterday, and it took all my faith to muster the courage to climb on back with Jacob.

I trusted him with my life, that’s why I got on the motorcycle. He looks good on it, but I’m still upset about it. I don’t plan on driving on it so often, because I hate the idea of them scraping us off the highway. I made Jake a special “In Case of Emergency” card to put in his wallet with my picture and contact details. I swore he would keep it in his wallet always, and he won’t be driving on the highway.

I’m still scared though, I can’t stand the idea of something happening to Jake. He is too precious to me. I even told Jake yesterday that I want be “Mrs. Martinez” like they call me at Hibdons and neither of us ever bothered to correct them. We both want to get married, but we’re waiting until we have the money, basically. And he still hasn’t proposed, not officially. There’s been no ring because Jake doesn’t want to have a length engagement. He wants us to be married as soon as possible, no period in between for one of us to back out.

He has agreed to go to the pre-marriage counseling with me. Iย think that’s a promising start to something that could be beautiful. Jake and I are already committed to each other and faithful and in love, but we do have our problem areas just like any other couple. He’s jealous and possessive and I’m a huge slob to live with. I’m lazy, and I don’t always try to keep the spark alive between us, feeling depressed.

Anyhow, I’ve been watching:

I’m on season 2 of American Horror Story and I’ve had the urge lately to seek out the girl who recommended it to me. I want to tell her how she’s ruined my life lol This show is so freaking dark and heavy. It’s truly gruesome and chilling, and I super enjoyed the first season of the show with the Murder House and that deranged family and collection of characters.

I was fucking DISTURBED by this series lol Everyone knows how I love to binge watch shows, and this show had me feeling quite spooky on Halloween. I watched it to get into the mood and I must say, the second season feels even worse to me. And by worse, I obviously mean great because it’s so fucking gripping. I can’t tear my eyes from the TV screen, waiting to see what unthinkable thing happens next.

If you’re not feint at heart, this is the show for you.

WARNING: Obsessive Fangirl Moment

THANK YOU NETFLIX, YOUTUBE & HULU! GOD BLESS YOU FOR GIVING ME SOMETHING TO MINDLESSLY DO FOR HOURS AND HOURS. I AM WAY TOO OBSESSED WITH THIS SHOW x_x

Finally watched the first episode of season 5!!! I’m so friggin excited. It’s torture having to wait for more. I absolutely loved Merida, and hope to see more of her. This website is really fun to peruse, the picture above came from it and there are many more gems.

I’ve been writing my own Once Upon a Time fanfic feverishly lately. I’ve lost a lot of sleep and been irresponsible, staying up so late I’ve even been late to work. I’ve literally been staying up all hours of the night working on writing again. The one sitting the other day, I pumped out nearly four whole chapters and they weren’t short neither. That hardly NEVER happens. I am elated to be doing something I enjoy. It’s fun having an obsession again.

Without further ado, the byproduct of my obsession:

Save the Savior by ladylace616
AU. Emma went with Lily at the bus stop and they’ve been together ever since. The Apprentice never showed himself to Lily and they grow up full of questions about their parents. One day, August the mysterious writer moves in next door & is determined to take them on a trip that will change their lives. The question is will it be for better or for worse? Chapter 10, Happy Halloween!

Sources of inspiration

Stories I am reading;

  1. The Dumbest Idea Ever by Rose unspindleย [Read this if you’re feeling kinky. Polyam]
  2. Of Thieves, Smugglers and Reformed Hearts by lenfaz
    Modern Life AU – Granny has a special program where she gives reformed petty criminals room and boarding at Granny’s and help them get back on his feet. Killian and Will are part of the program. Killian’s path will lead him to the sheriff, Emma; while Will’s will take him to the arms of the recent divorced librarian, Belle.
  3. Of Madness and Love byย KeyWillow8626
    Because Jefferson needs a love-interest and the madness will never end anyway.
  4. Salt Water Soothes the Soul by Ltb16
    CS AU. Her life hadn’t been easy but she always found some comfort when she was near the water. Now Emma Swan lives in a tiny resort town, enjoying small town life. Killian Jones recently lost his brother and wanted a new start. When he meets Emma in a random encounter, he finds himself wanting more. Will these two allow the salt water to sooth their souls? *Updated every Tuesday.
  5. Mind Games by CurvyPragmatist
    Major Emma Swan is signed off from active duty following an accident, refusing any and all help she eventually befriends a cat-loving Doctor with her own issues. SwanQueen AU.

PostSecret of the Week:
16.secrets

As I work on my creative efforts, I’ve been watching my Captain Swan Feels playlist. Please watch and adore the cuteness.

Trials & Tribulations

Postsecret of the Week:ย 
dc

Experiencing difficulties as of late:

  • A lot of catty girl conflict up at the jobย Resulting in a relapse of acid reflex and a lot of anxiety issues for myself. I even had to bring my stress levels to my boss’s attention, which I was loathe to do.
  • Been seriously considering going into a new line of workย Left wondering to myself what I would like to pursue? I’m concerned about moving to a job that would pay me near the same, and I’m afraid I won’t be able to find that now that I got used to salary pay at the hotel.
  • My dad went to jailย He’s being held, and my mother is beside herself. She’s used to relying on him and he actually got her car impounded for driving it without a license and since he had drugs on him, it was seized for criminal investigation. My mother is destitute, and we had a quarrel over Johnny. I criticized him and she wouldn’t hear any of it, not wanting to accept that I’m allowed to be mad at him for getting locked up. Her being alone and me feeling the need to check on her is a burden to me and I feel it like a rock in my stomach all the time. I have a lot of genuine despair over the state of her affairs, and find myself
  • Thinking about my dead grandmaย The 7th anniversary of her death is this following month. I’ve been thinking about how far we her children have gone since her departure and I feel ashamed of all of us. I’m having some mental anxiety issues and they’re fucking up my life.
  • Having health issuesย Including but not limited to;
    -two broken teeth in mouth
    -stomach anxiety problems
    -signs of depression
    -infection

WATCHING A NEW NETFLIX SERIES

Strange Empire

I would have to say my favorite character is Kat Loving. I also think Isabelle is a very dynamic character and I’m a fan of Mr. Caze and Kat’s two girls.

Latest Obsession: Once Upon A Time

Team Captain Swan


I recently finished all of the seasons available to me on Netflix. I absolutely loved this series and it drove my boyfriend crazy having to binge watch it with me. I really like Emma, Rumplestiltskin, Regina, Henry, and Hook. Charming and Snow can get on my nerves from time to time. Zelena was quite a cool bad ass, and I was stunned by how horrible Cora was to Regina, her own daughter. I actually quite like Rumplestiltskin from the beginning, loathsome as his origin is. His character kept so much of the series evolving and his presence made so many things move forward. I was pleased when the chipped cup and Belle came into play.

Quite honestly, the cast is full of babes in this series. Forgive me for saying so. Jennifer Morrison has to pour herself into her Savior outfits, her tight jeans and boots. I like her spunk and her willingness to redeem herself in the first season. She felt guilty for giving Henry up, and couldn’t leave knowing he wasn’t happy. Noble character trait, I quite enjoyed how she was willing to go round for round with Regina.

Speaking of which, I absolutely fucking adored past Regina’s outfits. Her dark heart has been through so much. She really makes me think of the quote, “A villan is just a victim whose story hasn’t been told.” I found it so uplifting how her love for her adopted son was so great that her desire to change allowed her to wield light magic & defeat Zelena. I was so happy for her when she was able to snatch Rolland from danger and thus won Hood’s heart and things were looking up for her. I like that she and Emma ended up on the same sign, and how they took cues from each other during the journey to Neverland to save Henry.

I must say, one of the characters I really adore is Hook. His zesty flirting and guyliner is enough to get a girl going, but the accent does wonders, too. I was cheering for Emma, and I adored all the ways they looked at each other. When Regina had to save them from Pan’s curse and they said good-bye to each other, I was on the edge of my seat and feeling such sweet anticipation from the way they looked at each other, yet never touched. His love for Emma is so deep and noble. He transcends his character type to do all he can for Emma and her family, because he knows how much her family means to her. You notice he and Millah made the decision to ditch Baelfire, maybe this time around he knows that’s not an option.ย I was devastated when Neal was in the picture lol I definitely did not want him to get back with Emma, even though they said they loved each other. Too bad, so sad Henry, you need to let your mom have some of that hot pirate booty!! ๐Ÿ˜›

Captain Swan Recommendation:
Fluffy Fridays by jdmusiclover
A series of unrelated, fluffy one shots featuring Killian Jones and Emma Swan and the relationship that makes us all swoon. Will contain both canon and AU stories. My contribution to Operation Rainbow Kisses and Unicorn Stickers (aka, my attempt to drown out the season 4 finale angst with ridiculous levels of fluff.)


What Once Upon a Time couple is most like your relationship?Emma and Regina

[Short blurb, AU] This is what happens when my two loves OITNB and OUAT collide ๐Ÿ˜€

Killian stumbled up to the bar where he had sighted his long time friend and drinking buddy, Alex Vause. Her dark and sexy, tall feminine figure was seated at the bar drinking a martini when he sat down beside her. “Vause,” he greeted in his hearty timber and she nodded in greeting. After he flagged the bartender down, he took a moment to really appreciate the alluring picture his very lesbian friend made. It was quite confusing to his crotch, seeing her pale alabaster skin and exposed cleavage and red lips and glasses and then seeing a big red X beep over her image; Off limits. Sometimes though, like now, he forgot. He had just caught sight of a moussey-haired girl across the bar making eyes their way, and not at him. “You’re so beautiful tonight lass, I forget that you’re the competition sometimes,” he joked, directing himself towards Alex. “How am I your competition?” she scoffed, raising a curious eyebrow. “It’s totally different. I take girls who like other girls, which means I’m not stealing from your pool,” she elaborated. “You know damn well you take some of the best straight ones, too,” he pouted, and she laughed because that was no lie.

Orange is the New Black Season 3 Thoughts

I had a friend say to me about this season, “Nothing big really happened.”

And to that I say, I can heartily disagree!!

  • UM, HELLO? First and foremost, Vauseman fell apart! I was like WTF??? I’m sure plenty were as disturbed by this development as me. That was earth shattering to me, truly *sniffles*

    that’s right, cry like the bitch you are John Bennett lol

  • JOHN LEFT DAYA! Like a big chicken shit :(:(:(:(:( It was also such a horrible twist of fate in the finale when Daya’s baby is apprehended by the DEA, one must assume she is going to get lost in the system and maybe Daya will never know where her baby is. The baby could have had a good life with Pornstache’s mom but maybe a good life won’t be what that child gets now. Not only that, but Aleida’s grand gesture becomes moot and will ultimately fuck up their relationship (between Daya & Aleida)
  • I was both stunned and delighted by the developments between Red and Healy this season. I thought Red had genuine feelings for Healy, and by the end of the wedding episode, it’s hard for me not to deem it so still. The look they shared was so full with longing and such a meaningful moment between the two. That is one moment that stuck with me even after finishing the whole season. Very powerful, what their eyes said with no words whatsoever.
  • NICKY!!! WHYYYY?!?!? D: D: D: I was so upset and sad to see one of my favorite characters go. I absolutely adore Nicky and hope that one day she’ll return. I will miss the dynamic between her and Luscheck and just her general horndoggery and funny and sarcastic lesbian comments.
  • Piper goes hard core. I was not anticipating this silly yet deadly element to the show with the panty business. Piper went to great lengths to ensure no one else would take advantage of her, and it seemed like she took Stella’s parting words to heart.ย Trust no bitch indeed. It was cold how Piper caused Stella to go down the hill, but also a special kind of bad ass at the same time. “I don’t fuck around, tell the people.” *nods in approval* But you KNOW something is wrong with Chapman’s fuckin’ head when she blows off Alex to pursue Stella. I was like what the fuck is happening?! noooo!!!!! why do they seem like they have too much on their plates to care about losing each other? It made what Piper did seem so fucking stupid, bringing Alex back just to start ignoring her. wtf?prettyvause
  • ALEX COULD BE DEAD! That’s HUGE to me. Even when that bitch Stella was nosing her way in, I still was team Vause all the way. I was way into her scenes at the club when she was dancing, and really any scene Alex a.k.a. Laura Prepon is in is a good one. She is so gorgeous. It was weird to see Alex played as somewhat of a spaz this season. The sex appeal in Vause’s character is that she’s cool and sarcastic and funny, not falling apart. Bummer fuck buddy indeed, but I guess we have to appreciate how human she is.