The real reason I gave up my friends is because I am antisocial.If I really wanted to fight for them, I could have. Or I could have left Jake. I wanted to have friends, go out and do things, but it was impossible with Jake. Jake did not approve of my having friends outside himself, and eventually, I have come to realize I don’t need anyone else. “Baby, if all I’ve got is your hand in my hand, then I can die happy.”
Just yesterday at my work, I received a phone call from a familiar voice. It was pretty nice to hear my old co-worker’s voice on the phone, Taron. He sounded so jovial when he gave me a call. He said he heard about me moving to a different hotel with Latta and Kristin and commented how small our industry is, how he was of course going to find out. I’m really glad that he reached out. He was always so nice, even if he was a gossiping blabber mouth. It was still nice hearing from him, and I managed to spread the news about Jackie further. *devious laugh*
He was so kind to me. He had nice things to say, like the fact that my old co-worker Selena loves me and they talk me up a lot over at the Waterford, soon to be second Renaissance in OKC. He described me as someone with a calm demeanor who got the job done, and that made me feel pleased with myself.
He mentioned my old team and how good we all used to be, and I remember them fondly. Matt, Bria, and Taron were my night crew and I could trust them to handle the front, would tell them, “you guys know where to find me” and I would let them handle things. They were a team I could trust.
I told him about getting engaged. Sometimes, I still can’t believe it myself. Sometimes, I find myself wondering if it is a stupid thing to do. I know that things aren’t perfect between Jake and myself, and maybe I’ve given him reason to doubt in the past… but is he ultimately right for me?? In a long standing, time withstanding way?? Will he always be there for me? Does he love me truly?
“My sister told me a soul mate is not the person who makes you the happiest but the one who makes you feel the most, who conducts your heart to bang the loudest, who can drag you giggling with forgiveness from the cellar they locked you in. It has always been you.” -Sierra Demulder, Love, Forgive Me
“My dear, find what you love and let it kill you. Let it drain you of your all. Let it cling onto your back and weigh you down into eventual nothingness. Let it kill you and let it devour your remains. For all things will kill you, both slowly and fastly, but it’s much better to be killed by a lover.” -Charles Bukowski
If that doesn’t describe a little bit of marriage, I don’t know what else would. It was nice, that when I told Taron about my life and how things were going, when he said that I sounded happy. I am happy. Everyone can tell I’m happier. I’ll tell you what, there are no more panic attacks. Even with the decision to marry Jake, I don’t truly feel ill at ease. I figure that this will either make us split up, or we will be married like I really want. I want to be married.
What getting married means to me/why I want to be married;
When you’ve been with a person long enough, you find yourself studying them one night thinking to yourself, “Could I live with this, if this was what the rest of my life would be like? Do I want to see him everyday when I wake up, spend all my moments with him? Do I want him to be there at the end?”
I thought to myself, by this time, you know him. You know what he is truly like, all his ups and downs. You know he can be a horrible beast, or the sweetest thing when he wants to be. You know maybe you deserve more, but more wouldn’t satisfy you because they wouldn’t be him.
You know right now, do you want to marry this man or leave him? If you’re not going to marry him, then there is no point in continuing on. The thought of leaving Jake destroys me. I cannot bear the idea of us being apart, I hate the idea of my life being different. I hate the idea of Jake belonging to another, I hate even more the idea of him being alone. I want to be the one to love him, and I want him to love me. So I knew then that I wanted to be married to him, because I loved him so much it pained me horribly to think of a life where we aren’t together. I can’t stand the thought. I never want to leave Jake, or be left behind.
What being a (good) wife means to me;
Always remaining faithful, resisting temptation. Total acceptance of another person, being a nurturing role in their lives. I will be your caretaker, your best friend, and lover. We will share our lives together, make decisions together. I will not be alone anymore, there will always be him behind me. He will not be able to turn me away, threaten to make me leave. No matter how crazy I am, I will still be his wife, his partner in life. We are making a commitment to each other, a beautiful promise that I acknowledge will be hard to keep sometimes. It won;t always be good. It might have rough patches, things might go wrong. But we will still find a way to have faith in each other, even though it all. That is my aim.
Beautiful vows, Apache Wedding Vows
“Now you will feel no rain, for each of you will be shelter for the other.
Now you will feel no cold, for each of you will be warmth to the other.
Now there will be no loneliness, for each of you will be companion to the other.
Now you are two persons, but there is only one life before you.
May beauty surround you both in the journey ahead and through all the years.
May happiness be your companion and your days together
be good and long upon the earth.”