Weird Wedding Thoughts

It’s bizarre to me how different my world is now from 5 years ago. I was 21, and my best friend was Elizabeth. She was the best friend I ever had, and also one of the few people in this world to show me what real love is. Before she moved away, we were very, very close. She knew everything about me and loved me anyway. We talked constantly, I stayed the night with her a lot. We were very close. She meant everything to me. We had a lot of good times, and got closer than close. My overwhelming feelings for her had me seeing her simultaneously while I was with one boyfriend. He knew we were close, just not that close. I told him in the end, though. About my feelings for her.

Now, things are so awkward. She left me, and I let the relationship die altogether. I wasn’t interested in anything long distance. Not a girlfriend, not even a long distance friendship. We just stopped talking- she didn’t approve of my fiance, and I don’t approve of her partner, either. Jacob did drive a wedge between us, and it was ultimately right for him to do so. We weren’t friends anymore, but estranged lovers. I can’t help but feel that one of my exes has snuck her way in.

She makes me nervous. Perhaps it’s vain, but I am actually afraid that a past lover of mine will speak up at the wedding, saying those dreaded words, “I object!!!” O_O If not my blonde ex-friend, then my other ex Hakim. He actually tried to see me before the wedding- he messaged me on facebook and told me he dropped by my old job. I was never so glad he doesn’t know where I work now! I should hate to see him. I would find it very disturbing if he crashed the wedding to ruin it. He might just have the balls to do that O_O

Not that it would change my mind in any way. I would be more horrified than anything. If Hakim crashed the wedding, it sounds like a disaster. I imagine Jake throwing a fit, thinking I’ve been seeing my ex behind his back and the whole thing going horribly. Jake running out on the wedding before it’s completed. I am desperately hoping nothing like that happens, but maybe I’m just being too self-involved. Surely no one would do that to me…… right?

My other fear as explained is Jake abandoning me at the altar and humiliating me. But I don’t even like to speak of that =X I mentioned it to Jake, and he said he wouldn’t do that to me, that we would hammer it out before that if it wasn’t going to work. Everything should be fine!! I feel like it’s all on track!

Less than one week ’til I’m a Mrs.!

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Fate is a fickle bitch

Hello All,

Greetings and salutations! I hope your lives are going as planned as you read this. For mine is not! =( Fate threw a wrench in my plans, and so close to the wedding!! Yesterday, I went to the Indian clinic for a hangnail problem. It was supposed to be a minor surgery. I didn’t even take the day off work, thinking it wasn’t going to be such a huge deal.

Apparently my feet are really tough. They gave me 5 numbing shots and I still felt every bit of the pain my doctor inflicted on me. The toenail turned out to be in worse shape than they thought, and they were like, “Okay, so, how long are you going to take off work?” O.O What???? I told them I was scheduled to go in that day and they said absolutely not. They wanted me to take a whole week off!! I was horrified because of the position I was putting everyone in. We’re short staffed and it was bad timing for them, good timing for me.

On a positive note, I won’t be as stressed for the wedding. I kept wondering how I was going to get everything done, and now I’ve been handed 5 days off to take care of things and heal. Then, I will work for about 4 days and it will be my vacation for my wedding and my honeymoon!

Wedding Countdown Ticker

On a negative note, it hurts like hell. I have a huge boot on my foot they want me to wear for a week. Walking is a bitch. Jake and I went to the store earlier and he is so sweet, he suggested that I ride the automatic wheelchair at wal mart and it was pretty fun. I would have felt embarrassed, but Jake was such a sweetie saying everyone gets hurt baby.

I also wont be able to participate in some of the more fun activities I was planning for the honeymoon. I wanted to swim in the swimming pools while we’re away and that won’t be happening now 😦 *boo hoo*

Still got some running around to do for the wedding. Left to do:

  • Alterations on Veil
  • Balloon Order
  • Shoes for the dress
  • Order a Bouquet

Wish me luck!!

1 Million & 1 Thoughts Presented By Me

When I look in the mirror, I don’t recognize you. “Ooooh, I wanna make up my mind, but I don’t know myself.” -Mike Snow

If you’ve ever read the book Revolutionary Road by Richard Yates might be familiar with this concept. You become deeply depressed and mentally disturbed by the fact that you don’t actually know what you want- that’s why you do what you do, why you infuriate you- you don’t know what you’re doing, you don’t know what you want. And if you don’t know either of those, then you don’t know yourself.

It’s a horrible feeling when you stop to think about it. That’s just it, you don’t think about it most of the time. You play your life on loop day after day, and before you realize it you’re sobbing uncontrollably and losing your shit. You didn’t realize you were so unhappy, and the shit hits the fan all at once. You feel a tremendous amount of anxiety and grief, a horrible feeling of somehow being out of control of yourself. So melancholy and suddenly obsessed with all these perceived short comings now that you’re thinking about it.

I’ve been stressed at work lately. The schedules keep falling to shit and we are desperately short on people and I feel pretty pressed most of the time. I get too many people in my face and this weekend played havoc on my stress and anxiety levels. It was just wall to wall people, completely sold out for several nights in a row and to top it off we had a loud, family reunion congregating in my lobby and the amount of noise was out of control. I felt transported to back when there were pep rallies at school and how loud it was. I could barely stand people to talk to me and add one more thing to my list to do. I hated people on Thursday, I was ill all day and having a bad digestion day. I popped at least 4 anxiety pills that day.

Then, on Friday before it was time to go into work, I had an anxiety attack at my home. I was contemplating getting ready for work and doing my hair, and suddenly I noticed my hands were shaking and I was short of breath. I was slightly late because I had to make myself calm down before I could drive to work.

So, as you might have surmised, things are not necessarily going well with the new boss. She is letting me do things I would rather drop. I use to do a lot of the role because I was trying to get the job, and now it’s my turn to let go of a little. But that’s not what’s happening….

I feel like the new boss isn’t measuring up. I guess I was expecting a lot better, but instead this lady is gutzilla and is messier than me!! I tried so hard to be clean and make a first good impression, and the first day I met her, she left a huge mess for me to clean! And that has been a pattern for her so far, unfortunately. I dislike it heartily. I’m having to train my new boss and it’s aggravating. I want her to take more initiative. That’s not too much to ask.

Small things make me happy too, sometimes. I awoke from a wonderful dream earlier today. In my dream, the whole family was there. It was still sad news, because Granny was sick but not with diabetes. We were all seeing her off, like a final good bye party but at this party everyone was happy. She had both her legs and was standing next to Grandpa arms linked, and she was youthful and happy, her smile exuberant. I only remember it being that way in pictures. We were all wishing her goodbye.

I’ve felt particularly wistful about her lately, what with my nuptials and all. I feel excited because I know she will be present, she would not miss my day. Even beyond the grave, Granny will come to me and I will her spirit to enter the room, gladden everybody’s hearts. She was such a wonderful woman, and it will feel wonderful to feel her near again. I’ve missed her so much. Please help heal everyone, all of us, even beyond the grave. Your reach is that far, you can still reach us. I know you can help mend my mother, you can help my aunt and me, too. You always did. I miss you so much.

I LOVE CHEAP THRILLS (SURVEY)

Listen to this song on loop like I have for the past several hours; I’m in fuckin’ love.

  1. What are your strengths?
    I’m a compassionate and open minded person. I’m very laid back so flying by the seat of my pants is usually comfortable to me/I’m flexible enough to adjust when shit gets fucked up.
  2. What are your short term and long term goals for yourself?

    Short term= Get married, improve sex life.
    Long term= happily married, own our own house, and fostering young children, maybe working as a stay-at-home writer.
  3. Who matters most to you?
    My lover and my mother, in that order. They both break my heart.
  4. What are you ashamed of?
    I’m ashamed of my parents. I’m ashamed of my own inability to to get off drugs, and also for the fact my parents both have problems with addiction as well. I’m ashamed that I’m occasionally mentally unwell.
  5. What do you like to do for fun?
    I enjoy taking pictures, forcing others to be in them. I enjoy poetry and art.
  6. What new activities are you interested in or willing to try?

    I am playing Pokemon Go which is the newest fad for those of my generation. It’s pretty cool, ngl. Me and Jake had fun hitting all the Poke Stops in the area and meeting other players.
  7. What are you worried about?
    Mostly I am worried about our wedding and the marriage thereafter. I’m also a little worried about my job since a new boss is coming to run the show. (Still glad it’s not me.)
  8. What are your values? What do you believe in?

    Generally, my mission in life is to carry on my grandma’s spirit of grace and generosity. She was a truly classy lady whom everyone loved, and to wind up half the person she was would please me. Only I have a long way to go. . . Spread kindness, practice patience. Be understanding, a rock to lean on. Do not judge others lest ye yourself be judged. Live and Let Live.

  9. If you could have one wish, what would it be?
    I would most certainly wish for my Grandma to be alive. So many things would be different, not so broken anymore. Myself included. Her love was hard to lose. I would do anything to get it back.
  10. Where do you feel the safest?
    Honestly, I really like being in my car all alone. It feels like a space big enough for just me, and I actually enjoyed taking the long trips out to my Indian clinic just because of the solitude. You can sing or scream as loud as you want, it’s your friggin’ space.
  11. What or who gives me comfort?
    I feel comforted when I am with Jacob, and he holds me in his arms and strokes his fingers across my scalp gingerly. The stress just melts out the top of my head, and I feel like I was probably a cat in a past life.
  12. If you weren’t afraid, you would…..
    I would ask Jake’s grandpa for money for the wedding. It would upset both Jake and his Grandpa though, so I feel agitated. I’m sure he’d help if he knew how much I wanted it. But there’s no way to bring it about tactfully!!!
  13. What is your proudest accomplishment?
    I won 2nd place at a DECA state competition once.
  14. What is your biggest failure?
    I didn’t graduate college. I am one class away from it, but it was too hard so I stopped trying. Pitiful *smh*
  15. What do you like about your job? What do you dislike?
    Like= the incentives, the $$$, the people I work with
    Dislike=it gets busy/stressful, the hours- my bf gets pissed when I work late
  16. What does your inner critic say about you?

    that’s what I say to it!!! but really it says I’m fat, unhealthy, and crazy. Why is this man marrying me??? I’m going to be a terrible housewife because I already am. Gotta get my shit together.
  17. What do you do to show yourself self-care?
    I need to beef up on this, the only thing I can think of is when I soak my feet in epsom salts after a hard day on them. I need to take better care of myself. But saying a thing is different than actually doing it, I’ve found.
  18. What are you passionate about?
    I do feel pretty passionate about being a professional in the hospitality career. I more so feel a passion for professionalism, and would like to use this for writing to make money someday if I can!
  19. What is your happiest memory?
    I’m glad for everytime I hugged my Grandma’s neck and told her I loved her and appreciated her. I was also very happy on my birthday this year, it was the best one I’ve had in years with absolutely no tears!!! (Very rare)
  20. What are you grateful for today?
    I love my baby. I am more glad than ever to know he loves me and misses me and can’t get enough of me. I know he’s secretly crazy about me, even when he tries to show me he can do without me. No he can’t. I can’t either 🙂

Future’s So Bright I Need Shades

BeFunky Collage

  1. Where do you see yourself in 10 years?
    In  10 years, I’ll be 36 years old. Hopefully, Jake and I will be happily married. We will own our own land and house. We will probably be fostering a little boy, or teenage boy. Unless I’ve had a natural child by then.

  2. Do you want to get married?
    I’m getting married in two months!!!!

  3. Do you want to have children?
    Yes. Just not now.

  4. Do you want to move? If yes, where?
    Yes. Jake and I may someday move to Colorado, the land of the legal.

  5. How does your dream house look like?
    A one story, spacious house with bay windows. Organized, clean.

  6. What is your dream job?
    I would love to be a stay-at-home writer someday.

  7. What are five things you want to do before you die?
    I. Foster children
    II. See Niagra Falls
    III. Get a breast reduction
    IV. Skydive at least once
    V. Visit Las Vegas!!!

  8. Are you scared of the future?
    Only that I won’t measure up, can never be the functional and organized human being I’d like to be someday. I’d like to become more grounded and responsible, but still be fun and unpredictable.

  9. What’s your biggest dream you would like to achieve in life?
    I’d like to get my mother off drugs and somehow pull our family back together. 
  10. What would be the ideal age for you to die?
    I’d ideally like to die before I am old and decrepit. I’d like to die with some dignity, maybe peacefully lying in bed. I hope I don’t die of diabetes. A lot of the women in our family die in their seventies….o.o

 

Once Upon a Time spoilers!

What do you need to be happy?
IMG_20160418_052106

You Need Friends to Be Happy

You are a friendly, social person. You seek out connections and relationships. Being close to others is very important to you, and you don’t like discord.

You feel great when you’re cooperating and working with others. You enjoy belonging to a group.

Nothing makes you feel worse that feeling alone or alienated. You want to be liked by those around you.

It would truly be nice to make acquaintances with some of my old friends again. A lot of the time though, I feel it’s impossible. I am so far away from what I used to be– I used to avoid seeing them because I couldn’t afford to be friends with them AND make Jake happy. He didn’t like it (still doesn’t) when I made plans with other people, took away from his time with me. He needed to dominate all my time, but once we’re married he’s going to have to get a little cooler with that.

Speaking of friends, Jake and I are considering something. Something exciting!!! We maybe want to get married sooner rather then later!! ***SQUEE*** I always thought I wanted the big wedding where we all (family & loves ones) congregate but when I saw how much my family was willing to help me achieve this, it made me feel discouraged from doing that. I can see more and more PROS to having a small, intimate ceremony. It would be a lot less stressful for us and cost effective. But there’s so much to plan in such little time!!

Things to Do Before Then:

~ Go buy dress
~ Make Save The Date announcements
~ Let appropriate family members know
~ Get hotel room at employee rate
~ Find a place to dine near courthouse for family

WHERE THERE’S A WILL, THERE’S A WAY!!!

Unlike for this couple and the HORRIBLE, HEART WRENCHING way they have ended. *drowns self in river of tears* I must admit, in some ways I’m kind of glad Emma will have to move on because everyone else has had to- there is no getting your loved ones back, no matter what. It wouldn’t be fair to everyone else, and it’s horrible that they had to end nevertheless TOT

‘Their last hand holding, I will never let you go, seems to be said between the two of them. I was so heartbroken when watching this scene. The end of Hook *river of tears forever*

Goodbye Hook :((((((

We will miss your wit and charm. We will miss your swagger and your devilishly handsome good looks. We will miss the way you opened the Savior’s heart and did everything in your power to make her happy, helping her to save her son and her family. He chased her through time, and she followed him to the afterlife. They were Dark Ones together, and now their chapter together is over. True Love Conquered, but perhaps it will rise again.

Nuptials & Musings

The real reason I gave up my friends is because I am antisocial.If I really wanted to fight for them, I could have. Or I could have left Jake. I wanted to have friends, go out and do things, but it was impossible with Jake. Jake did not approve of my having friends outside himself, and eventually, I have come to realize I don’t need anyone else. “Baby, if all I’ve got is your hand in my hand, then I can die happy.”

Just yesterday at my work, I received a phone call from a familiar voice. It was pretty nice to hear my old co-worker’s voice on the phone, Taron. He sounded so jovial when he gave me a call. He said he heard about me moving to a different hotel with Latta and Kristin and commented how small our industry is, how he was of course going to find out. I’m really glad that he reached out. He was always so nice, even if he was a gossiping blabber mouth. It was still nice hearing from him, and I managed to spread the news about Jackie further. *devious laugh*

He was so kind to me. He had nice things to say, like the fact that my old co-worker Selena loves me and they talk me up a lot over at the Waterford, soon to be second Renaissance in OKC. He described me as someone with a calm demeanor who got the job done, and that made me feel pleased with myself.

He mentioned my old team and how good we all used to be, and I remember them fondly. Matt, Bria, and Taron were my night crew and I could trust them to handle the front, would tell them, “you guys know where to find me” and I would let them handle things. They were a team I could trust.

I told him about getting engaged. Sometimes, I still can’t believe it myself. Sometimes, I find myself wondering if it is a stupid thing to do. I know that things aren’t perfect between Jake and myself, and maybe I’ve given him reason to doubt in the past… but is he ultimately right for me?? In a long standing, time withstanding way?? Will he always be there for me? Does he love me truly?

“My sister told me a soul mate is not the person who makes you the happiest but the one who makes you feel the most, who conducts your heart to bang the loudest, who can drag you giggling with forgiveness from the cellar they locked you in. It has always been you.” -Sierra Demulder, Love, Forgive Me

“My dear, find what you love and let it kill you. Let it drain you of your all. Let it cling onto your back and weigh you down into eventual nothingness. Let it kill you and let it devour your remains. For all things will kill you, both slowly and fastly, but it’s much better to be killed by a lover.” -Charles Bukowski

If that doesn’t describe a little bit of marriage, I don’t know what else would. It was nice, that when I told Taron about my life and how things were going, when he said that I sounded happy. I am happy. Everyone can tell I’m happier. I’ll tell you what, there are no more panic attacks. Even with the decision to marry Jake, I don’t truly feel ill at ease. I figure that this will either make us split up, or we will be married like I really want. I want to be married.

What getting married means to me/why I want to be married;

When you’ve been with a person long enough, you find yourself studying them one night thinking to yourself, “Could I live with this, if this was what the rest of my life would be like? Do I want to see him everyday when I wake up, spend all my moments with him? Do I want him to be there at the end?”

I thought to myself, by this time, you know him. You know what he is truly like, all his ups and downs. You know he can be a horrible beast, or the sweetest thing when he wants to be. You know maybe you deserve more, but more wouldn’t satisfy you because they wouldn’t be him.

You know right now, do you want to marry this man or leave him? If you’re not going to marry him, then there is no point in continuing on. The thought of leaving Jake destroys me. I cannot bear the idea of us being apart, I hate the idea of my life being different. I hate the idea of Jake belonging to another, I hate even more the idea of him being alone. I want to be the one to love him, and I want him to love me. So I knew then that I wanted to be married to him, because I loved him so much it pained me horribly to think of a life where we aren’t together. I can’t stand the thought. I never want to leave Jake, or be left behind.

What being a (good) wife means to me;

Always remaining faithful, resisting temptation. Total acceptance of another person, being a nurturing role in their lives. I will be your caretaker, your best friend, and lover. We will share our lives together, make decisions together. I will not be alone anymore, there will always be him behind me. He will not be able to turn me away, threaten to make me leave. No matter how crazy I am, I will still be his wife, his partner in life. We are making a commitment to each other, a beautiful promise that I acknowledge will be hard to keep sometimes. It won;t always be good. It might have rough patches, things might go wrong. But we will still find a way to have faith in each other, even though it all. That is my aim.

Beautiful vows, Apache Wedding Vows

“Now you will feel no rain, for each of you will be shelter for the other.
Now you will feel no cold, for each of you will be warmth to the other.
Now there will be no loneliness, for each of you will be companion to the other.
Now you are two persons, but there is only one life before you.
May beauty surround you both in the journey ahead and through all the years.
May happiness be your companion and your days together
be good and long upon the earth.”