Tag: personal

New Boss, New Beginnings

What kind of first impression do you make?

You Make A Great First Impression

You can handle almost any social situation with grace, even the tricky ones. Strangers often find you charming and interesting.

You are often remembered fondly. Even if you’re not naturally outgoing, you can make conversation with anyone if you need to.

Whether you were born this way or had to work to get here, you are definitely charismatic.

You’re popular and well liked. People definitely look forward to being around you.

Your social connections bring you a full and rich life. You understand how important it is to make a lasting impression.

I’ve been off for two days and tomorrow I go in to a new boss. I have already heard dubious things from my coworker. She’s starting out with a bad rep in my mind, but I have to make a good first impression nonetheless.

Before the new boss started, I was frantic to clean the office and make sure things looked organized. I didn’t want her to find a mess, or some team she needs to whip into shape. I want us to be a good team to manage, not some team that exasperates her, which sometimes they/we do. Sometimes our work is not satisfactory, because we all rush or our fingers get ahead of us sometimes. We forget little details, and they add up over time. I’m anxious.

I have to go in with my A game. I’ve been running at a lower percentage lately, barely putting any effort into my personal appearance. It’s kind of like I have a guy nailed down, who else do I need to impress? I’ve been lazy and slept in bed until the last possible second, and now I have to change that habit.
I will do better. There is always room for everyone to improve.

Wedding Bliss


This will serve as my first announcement of sorts. People may doubt my decision, but Jake and I are getting engaged!! No, he has not necessarily proposed, at least not formally or with a ring. Fear not, though, he and I are definitely on the same page. We both want the same thing, to always be together. I want us to be family, united as one. I would like to be Mrs. Martinez.

My first tentative date is August 27, 2016. It can only be sooner than then, not later. Jake and I are not looking for a long engagement. We want to be married, and purchasing our rings is one of the first steps. I actually made a binder to help organize everything. If I had the money, I’d hire a planner.

As it is, I’ve only made a few phone calls but looked up much on the internet. Jake is all behind the idea of a wedding, even though he’d rather just go down to the courthouse and have it done. I’m not strictly opposed to the idea, but I want to explore other options first.

Jake and I are trying to get a house together. We are hopelessly in love. I cannot get enough of him. Even though he’s not perfect, neither am I. I revel in and enjoy him completely. He is the only one that I want, the only one that I need.

Our sex life has been pretty happening as of late. That is a pleasant surprise and change in things between us! Before, sex was a huge source of stress and fights between us. I don’t know what was wrong, except I used to suspect my mood and anxiety medication. I stopped taking them both, and things seem to be going alright. I have a therapy session tomorrow. Things are going reasonably well. I absolutely love my job and the new people I work with. I don’t have to dread work everyday. I can just chill…


Things have been going pretty well the last couple of days. That could be because I arranged a sah-weet 4 day vacation for myself this weekend ^__^V Awesome! It was perfect timing, with things being weird around work lately with my lady co-workers -___- what’s new??

Jake and I have been doing mostly well. He still gets his panties in a wad over sex a lot, but that’s to be expected. He makes me think of that viagra commerical saying, “Has it been over one day since you’ve had sex? Isn’t that long enough?” lol like it’s so horrible to go without sex

Featured PostSecret of this week:complicated

I recently acquired a new cat. I drove in the blistering hot heat of this July weather in Oklahoma and suffered to bring the cat back. The cat was aptly named Fat Cat by its previous owner. It must be 20-25 lbs and round as a basketball, a dark tortoiseshell kitty who was very lovable upon first meeting me. She was not thrilled about the ride back to her new home, and even less thrilled about the tom cat me and Jake keep around. She is 5x’s his size and hisses at his mere stench in the room. Jake didn’t meet her the first few hours he was home because we couldn’t find the darling anywhere, so shy is she. I’m sure she’ll come around :^)

You Are Understanding

You are an accepting and kind person. You give others the benefit of the doubt. You see the good in people, and you give them time and space to get even better. You are very compassionate.

You are very empathetic and caring. You believe that a little bit of love can go a long way. You are quite sensitive and emotional. You can be easily affected by the events in your life.

You Are Highly Colorful

You are intensely alive and very passionate.
You are optimistic about the world and about people.

You feel very connected to others, and you tend to be a harmonizing force. You are vibrant and receptive. You are ready for whatever the world has to offer you.

Your Life is 57% Off Track

Right now, you’re taking things one day at a time.
Some things are going well, but you can’t help but wonder if you’re getting the most out of life.
It’s time for you to slow down and reflect a little. You can change your life – but it’s up to you!

Uncensored writing at its best.

If you go home at night, and have nothing to be grateful for or love, what is the point?

Lately, things have been turbulent in my life. I feel as though I am barely managing to stay afloat, head ducking underwater for prolonged periods, gasping for air as I resurface. My work is stressing me out, despite how much I claim to enjoy it. It is so weird, being a woman who has been shit upon, and he doesn’t even recognize it. Jake claims to be pro-woman and their choices, yet he suppresses me at every turn. I had to stare at him rather incredulously when he told me I was being sexist, by claiming that submission was a feminine thing. I simply meant that we have the wherewithal and mental prowess to pick our battles. Patience is a virtue. I can admit defeat at this battle, but that does not mean the war is over.

Love should not be about this battle and armor and exertion of will over another. I submit to Jake’s wishes, because he cannot have it any other way, and it limits the things I can do. He must have complete control, or this relationship will not work. He is emotionally stunted, but his obsession and preoccupation are endearing to me in my own twisted way. I told my coworker Linda one time, “Obviously, I like the attention, or I wouldn’t still be here.” I both rue and cherish what this relationship has come to be. I still want it, I still desire him. I have hope for our future, that with time, and proper healing, Jake could become more comfortable with me and find it in his heart to forgive me for my past transgressions.

I have enough money now that I could leave, if I wanted to. I have been prepared to do so, unfortunately. I never want to leave Jake for real, but I think about it sometimes. He is a really great guy when he is being chivalrous and kind and generous. He is truly a light in my life, despite the darkness of his past. He has truly turned his life around and he is a good-natured, helpful man of noble nature. He is brave, he helped 13 different people to safety in the most recent tornado that Moore, OK saw. He cannot abide people’s suffering, yet he inadvertently causes a lot of it in his loved one. He is a complicated man. But he is responsible, and really loving. He wants to please me, he will always ask me my opinion on things. He likes for us to have a feminine touch around the house. He appreciates my input on serious projects, like home renovation. He really is a good guy, despite all his faults. I have faith in his virtues. It would be nice if he would return the sentiment.

I am loyal to Jake. All I have done to anger him is to act as an individual, and not a unit. When I do not consider him in my decisions, it diminishes his importance in my life. He especially hates it that I continue to hide parking tickets from him. He considers it very upsetting because it “risks my freedom”. I’ll effing pay it, don’t worry about it. No need to ride my ass. Although, I will commend him thusly, because he was not awful to me about my last one.

Jake and I went to Mickey Mantles on a Monday night. It was raining lightly as we trekked over from the nearby parking and I froze myself for the sake of cuteness in a black skirt and purple top. My hubby was quite handsome and sunburned, so he looked like a working man and I enjoyed the way his blue eyes shone in contrast to his sun kissed skin. He has been losing a lot of weight recently, and actually, I am worried about him in that regard. My significant other has developed an eating disorder. He binges and purges on a regular basis. He vomits nearly everyday. Still yet, I am reluctant to really push the matter because I have also suffered from an eating disorder in my past, so who am I to judge anyone? He was grossly overweight. He knew the quickest route to lose the weight, best not to forget he also used to be a wrestler. I assume he knows what he is doing, and he does look great. He was over 300 lbs before, and he still looks healthy to me. I do address it from time to time, I always let him know how handsome I find him, and how I like him at any size. He just doubts the words I say because he values intimacy more, and when I don’t feel amorous, he is offended because he thinks it’s because of something he did. He gets upset, and he is almost impossible to soothe. This is an internal issue that he needs to work on, but I fear he will never address it. I suppose he knows what he is doing. He doesn’t want any direction from me. I have tried to get us to go to the gym for which we are already paying, and he never wants to go. And I do not really want to go, so we never go. It has been over a week since our last visit.

When I suffered from an eating disorder, I realized mine was in conjunction with some personal issues regarding my grandmother’s passing. I ate comfort food and ate and ate, and I thought it made me feel better, but then I realized I was really tearing up my life and treating myself unhealthily because I didn’t think life was worth living if her eyes weren’t around to witness what I became. I thought it didn’t matter what I became, so I sought to treat myself badly and live in darkness. I had to choose the light, to realize my life still mattered. It took counseling to get me there. It took calming my inner self and examining myself. When you are both blessed and cursed with deep thoughts, you have to try and concentrate on the best of them. You can’t let the magnitude of the bad get you down, once they tug you down, you will find it impossible to claw your way out of the darkness. But it is not impossible, you can do anything. A thousand mile journey begins with one step.

I think therapy is a good thing, so I am really friggin’ upset at myself that I can’t get myself together well enough to actually make the appointments I make. I don’t know if I have an aversion to the truth, or what the hell I am doing. Jake has not even given me any flack on the matter, and I still don’t make the appointments. Is it because I couldn’t afford it, or mainly it was just because I needed my me time. I would blow her off to sleep, or go shopping, or stay at home smoking. It’s not that I didn’t value her time, I just… had some difficulty getting there. Maybe I don’t really want to go to therapy because I don’t want to be a nutcase. Jake always makes it a point to say “psychotherapist.” The stigma makes me cringe. I do regard myself as a little weirder than I want to admit. I notice that Jake is less than sane sometimes, and I know that birds of a feather flock together.

I have trouble justifying sharing my problems with another. When I admit my failings to another, they challenge me to ask what could I have possibly done? I prefer not to share my shortcomings. I would rather others not know of my weaknesses. If people ask me why I stay with a man that makes me so miserable sometimes, I always sit there, mouth agape, what can I tell you?? I allow all this disrespect because I think it’s worth it to be taken care of, I have low self esteem obviously. Why would you want to tell other people that? It sucks to hear that you’re better than that, when you don’t believe it yourself. It makes it feel so awkward, and I would rather just avoid the matter altogether. I would rather just be treated this way, and the less people who know about it, the better. I can’t share about all the breakdowns I’ve been having, the hysterical crying episodes and high tension in the house. Drama, as my S/O likes to call it.

I can’t help it that I fall apart sometimes. I remember what it was like to be this fall apart person, and I goddamn fucking hate her. I hate her with a fiery passion, this person who wilts and weeps when another opposes her. She is weak, she believes what others tell her about herself. She is convinced they are right, and her inner light is weak, she can’t hear her inner self saying, no you’re better than this, don’t take this anymore. She trudges on down the road that makes her weep because she sees no other option. Her spirit has been beaten so far down, she thinks it will be hard to be on her own. She doesn’t want to be alone. She is weak, and he is strong. He tells her what to do, what she can and cannot do. He gives her limits, rules when before there were none. Perhaps that is what was wrong, that there were no boundaries before. Her potential was limitless, and now it has been capped off.

He provides a reasonably comfortable life, and still yet she is depressed. He does things for her, he is sweet on her, and still yet, she has things to complain about. I have tried to tell him it is just because I think too much, but he still takes offense. It’s not his fault that my mind is so hyper-wired, that I think a million things, and when his negativity rains down on me, it is amplified within me. I grow to hate myself on his behalf. I take mental swings and beatings that he could never imagine, just so he will see me cry and know that I care. He needs to see my tears to confirm my feelings for him. He makes me break down, and says I do it to myself. But obviously, if your lips weren’t flapping, I wouldn’t be feeling this bad. Don’t ask me what I’m doing, I don’t know.

I Ponder Some Things

Almost 6 years ago, my Grandma passed away due to diabetic complications. I had been her pet, she was my closest of kin. She was the person I loved most in this world. She was the mother and guardian that I valued above all else. When she fell ill and became hospitalized for an infection in her foot, it was I that wept by her bedside uncontrollably when we visited her at the hospital, seeing her so weak and sick. I was always the one to hug and kiss her last when the family said goodbye. When she was at home, sitting in her wheelchair and doing her best to cook and clean and take care of everyone financially even though she was falling apart, she was still doing everything for us. We were not taught to do things for ourselves- she did everything for us with all her love and not a drop of disingenuous generosity. She went without so her family could have, she was noble, sweet, and kind. The gentlest of all mothers, the most compassionate and understanding. I loved her dearly and in her wrinkled hands rested my whole world, and I was only too aware of the fact.

I’ve been doing some soul-searching lately. During her illness, my relationship with God and all that is holy became complicated. I did not and still do not understand God’s methods and quite frankly, I think the guy’s judgement is fucked. I don’t want anything to do with him much less do I think praying to him will ease the pain in my heart and the sorrow and grief that clouds my mind on a daily basis. As much as my grandmother was a good mother and woman in general, she was not happy. She was a sorrowful soul and a sensitive, emotional person. I have carried those aspects of her on, I have aligned myself with her misery and taken up her suffering. They do say pain is inevitable, suffering is optional, and that’s true. I’ve been reading the book A Woman’s Worth by Marianne Williamson and she talks a lot about “the inner goddess” which is just an acute belief in oneself. It’s a sense of holiness and spirituality and faith in oneself, because when it comes down to it, the only person in the world you can trust is yourself; you are the only one who will never leave you, the only one who truly knows what it is you desire and fear. You are the only one that should determine your path in life. We are the makers of our own destiny, it is our decisions that make us who we are. We can choose to rise above our concerns and fears. We can choose to be strong, we can choose to be positive. When you’re depressed, you spread your depression. When you are confident and in love with yourself, you inspire others around you to be more accepting of their own selves.

In a wiki-how article I read online, it was said that you are not going to give up what is making you unhappy until you have had enough of it, and not a moment before. You might want to investigate why you are so hung up or invested in this version of yourself, and while I was driving around in my car, I had the radio off to sit alone with my thoughts. Recently with my therapist, I hit upon some real truths in myself that I’ve been denying, and they are as follows;

I was 15 when my Grandma first became gravely ill, and lost her leg. She died when I was 18 years old, my freshmen year of college. For three years, I drove her back and forth to my uncle’s house where she cared painstakingly for his child. I helped her with her walker, I took her to some of her hospital and prosthetic appointments all by myself. When she fell into a diabetic comma one day, I was the one that found her passed out and sweating profusely on the couch. I am the one that took her to wal mart and helped her shop. When the electric chairs were available, I was the one walking around the store scanning the aisles for her salt and peppered head. I took her to her dialysis appointments in the mornings and dropped her off. I loved her so much my heart will never be whole again without her.

And yet, 6 years later, I am walking around with this feeling in my heart that I do not deserve love and security and happiness because she did not have them. I am punishing myself for not loving her more, for not taking better care of her when I had her. I was young, I didn’t know the extent of her sorrow, I was dumb and naive and I didn’t realize how much in my older years I would regret the lack of help I offered to her. Our whole family should have gone above and beyond for her, and we shitted out in the end, and didn’t do our most loving and gentle mother any justice. I know she loves us all still even as she turns in her grave at the state of things in all our lives. But I know she wouldn’t want me to feel this way.

I’ve been feeling like my grief is a big bully sitting on me, pushing my face into the ground and making me eat dirt. You don’t deserve love, you don’t deserve to be happy, you don’t deserve nice things. I realized that I’ve been very invested in making myself feel bad because I think I deserve to feel bad. I have been crying out for a religion, I need someone to believe in who is better than me, who will take away this pain and sorrow by releasing me of the regret and guilt I feel by forgiving me, but there is no one for me to believe in to forgive me. I have difficulty forgiving myself… I won’t say I can’t. It will just be so hard to forgive myself for my imagined slights when they feel so monstrously huge and hideous to me.

But I see now that it can be done. I see that the reason I was invested in making myself feel bad or worthless is because I was invested in being sad. I thought being sorrowful brought me closer to Granny, made me more like her, proved that I missed her the most. But I did not love her for her sorrow and her pain, and she would shake her head sadly at me trying to replicate and carry on her pain. I know she wants me to get up off my knees and stop eating dirt, stand up proud and go on. I know she knows I loved her. I know I still love her, I know her love is still inside of me. I can align myself with her in better, healthier ways that will benefit everyone instead of spreading my pain and negative attitude. I can choose to be a light, I can choose not to let these demons overpower me. I am stronger than my inner darkness. I have light within, as do we all. I can align myself with her by carrying on in her gentle spirit, the thing I loved the most, by choosing to live a life of honor, grace, and humility as she did. I have had enough of the heart of darkness, and I am moving into the light. I shall cower no more, I am more than my negativity. I can choose to be different, because different can be an improvement, and I shouldn’t be afraid to improve my life. I deserve to have a life I can be proud of, now only I must live it, and I hope you will realize your power, too.

Survey Fun

  • 1: What is your name and does it mean anything? Lacy, and no not in particular.
  • 2: How long have you known your best friend? Since I was 14, so 10 years.
  • 3: What position do you normally sleep in? On my right side with an arm under me and one leg curled up
  • 4: Were you a part of any “clique” in high school? The geeky one
  • 5: Who was your favorite teacher in high school and why? Mr. Thomas, my geometry teacher because he was the only teacher that cared to ask me if I was alright the year my life sucked the most.
  • 6: Do you wish to travel a lot? Not particularly.
  • 7: Did you participate in any sports while in school? I sure did not.
  • 8: Show a sample of your writing:

There was this babe lying there in the sun on the beach. And by babe, he meant this long-legged beautiful creature lounging on a florid beach towel. She lay exposed to the sun in her bikini, her body tan and muscular in all its splendor. Tiny beads of moisture shined on her flat stomach. When his eyes reached her dark head, he discovered her to be wearing dark sunglasses concealing her eyes, giving her a mysterious stranger aura and the sensual, satisfied smile on her face below the dark lenses welcomed the most entertaining thoughts.
If there were any day he could’ve been a ray of sunshine, he would have chose today, if only for the privilege to drape himself over that woman’s body as comfortably as the sun settled on her now.

  • 9: Have you ever given blood? No thnx.
  • 10: Do you like the way that you grew up? It was fine, I didn’t mind not having a dad around. He wasn’t around to miss.
  • 11: Do you like your siblings? Why or why not? I don’t have any.
  • 12: How did you meet your best friend and why did you become friends? We met our freshman year of highschool in english class. We became best friends our sophomore year when I started going to her house after school to have her help me with my geometry homework.
  • 13: Name one movie that made you cry. My Girl gets me everytime.
  • 14: Do you prefer to read poetry, write poetry, or neither? I prefer to read poetry and write prose.
  • 15: Things about someone that you find attractive? I find my boyfriend’s wide, ex-football player physique, thick neck,strong jaw, and big arms and hands all extremely attractive, he is so masculine it is enough to get me going alright 😉
  • 16: What song are you currently listening to? Of Monsters and Men – Little Talks
  • 17: Have you ever broken a bone? If so, how? N/A, I am a lucky duck. Busted my head open a few times tho.
  • 18: A random memory from you childhood: Head lice was like the plague in our neighborhood growing up, I can remember us publicly shaming one of the neighbor girls because she wanted to swim with us but the mother of the kids who owned the pool wouldn’t allow any of us in until we passed her test, and the fat red faced little girl China had to walk away in shame when the neighbor lady sent her home because she was the only one with lice.
  • 19: Where did you grow up? In a normal neighborhood with not really any crime with a couple kids my age
  • 20: What was the last thing you watched on tv? I am currently watching Daria.
  • 21: Do you think you’d make a good parent? Theoretically, yes, I do.
  • 22: Would you like to meet any of your Tumblr friends in person? I don’t have any tumblr friends anymore 😦
  • 22: What was the last dream you remember having? Directly from my dreamjournal-Bribery
    To dream that you are bribing someone indicates that you expect too much of others. You may be too demanding. In particular, if you dream that you are bribing a policeman, then you believe that you are above the law or rules. You think you can get away with being dishonest and deceitful.

    To dream that you are in possession of or taking drugs, signifies your need for a “quick fix” or an escape from reality. You may be turning to a potentially harmful alternative as an instant escape from your problems. Ask yourself why you need the drugs. What do you hope the drugs will achieve for you?

    To see your grandparents in your dream symbolize love, security, wisdom and protection

    To dream that you are hiding suggests that you are keeping some secret or withholding some information. You may not be facing up to a situation or dealing with some issue. In particular, to dream that you are hiding from some authority figure (police, parent, teacher…) implies feelings of guilt.

    If you see messy and/or dilapidated houses in your dream, then it implies that an aspect of your own life is in chaos. You may be suffering from some emotional or psychological clutter. You need to release these feelings in order to regain control.

    To dream that your house is broken into suggests that you are feeling violated. It may refer to a particular relationship or current situation in your life. Alternatively, it indicates that some subconscious material is attempting to make itself known. There are some aspects of yourself that you have denied.

    To dream that you are inside a stranger’s house indicates that there is something that you have yet to discover about yourself. It may mean that there are repressed memories, fears or emotions that you are not confronting.
    To dream of a dirty or messing room refers to an aspect of yourself that you are ashamed of or are refusing to acknowledge.

    If you dream of an unwanted houseguest, then it indicates a realization that you are being taken advantage of in some area of your life.

    To dream that you are using marijuana implies that you are trying to escape reality. Perhaps you are trying to numb some emotional or psychological pain. Perhaps you feel that your identity and sense of self is being compromised or disrespected. It denotes a loss of control. You are trying desperately to escape. The dream may also be a reflection of waking drug use.
    To see or smell marijuana in your dream suggests that you are experiencing an expanded sense of awareness and consciousness. You need to take advantage and draw insight from this new consciousness. The dream may also mean that you need to look on your inner strength for stimulation instead of relying on outside forces.

    To dream that you are in a panic indicates a lack of control and power in your life. You are feeling helpless in some situation or unable to make a clear decision.

    To dream that you are in a raid represents your fears that some hidden aspect of your life will be discovered or made public

  • 23: When is your birthday? June 16th.
  • 24: How many pillows do you sleep with? About four or five, or one big hunky one 😉
  • 25: Do you wear glasses? If so, how long have you been wearing glasses? I do, and I have since I was 12 or so.
  • 26: What color is your hair? Dark brown, long.
  • 27: Name 5 facts about your appearance:-I have a nice smile, and I smile a lot.
    -I am 5’4″ and have been since middle school.
    -I have large breasts that are hard to ignore.
    -I have luxuriously awesome thick hair that I like to straighten into a sleek shine.
    -I am overweight and have bad posture.
  • 28: What is your favorite soda? I don’t like soda.
  • 29: What is a strange talent that you have? I’m double jointed in the fingers.
  • 30: How’s the weather right now? Dandy.
  • 31: Why did one of your friendships end? I found them boring. Them’s the breaks sometimes.
  • 32: Who do you miss right now? Sometimes I miss my ex, but only because I miss the dating style we had, which was more active than the current relationship I am in.
  • 33: Why did your last relationship end? My last relationship ended because he was a weight dragging me down, keeping me from succeeding in life.
  • 34: Are you still figuring out who you are? Most definitely.
  • 35: Have you ever been admitted to a hospital? Why? I’ve been to the emergency room for a severe allergic reaction to poison ivy but I have never been admitted, no.
  • 36: What is your favorite restaurant? It’s probably Park Harvey Sushi Bar and Grill, or else Zio’s or Italian food.
  • 37: What is a word that you always seem to spell wrong? judging
  • 38: Would ever adopt kids? Yes, actually, I think I could/would.
  • 39: What is your favorite kind of pizza? Alfredo pizza, Canadian bacon pizza.
  • 40: What was your first thought when you woke up this morning? “I’m siiiiiiiick.”
  • 41: When was the last time you got really really happy and why? I was immensely happy the other night lying down in bed with my lover. I was talking about how much I love and trust him and how lucky I am to have him, that he’s my one and only, and I would follow him anywhere. ❤
  • 42: What’s the strangest thing you’ve ever eaten? Perhaps squid???
  • 43: How do you start a conversation? Randomly, easily, with a question.
  • 44: What’s a band you’ve been obsessed with lately? Not band, but Lily Allen’s stuff has been captivating me here lately.
  • 45: Do you come from a family “of money?” Hell naw, we’re middle to lower middle class.
  • 46: Do you have a bucket list? I do, but it’s been some time since I looked at it.
  • 47: What is your favorite series of books? Harry Potter
  • 48: When was the last time you laughed so hard your stomach hurt? Earlier this year, can’t remember why though.
  • 49: Where do you go when you’re sad? The OKC Murrah Bombing Memorial, it is so peaceful there.
  • 50: 5 random facts about yourself:-I am seeing a therapist without the knowledge of my family.
    -I live with a man 13 years my senior and we have been dating 7 months, and he wants to marry me.
    -I secretly think about marrying him more often than I let on.
    -I obsessively listen to songs, and read and watch certain TV shows, often times playing them on loop forever.
    -Gone with the Wind is my absolute favorite book ever.