What are you doing? I don’t recognize you.

A look in the mirror and she’s the same in the face but older in the eyes. (read this Hey Arnold fanfiction I read that in, it is AMAZING)

between the shadow and the soul by ashleykay
Thursday was deep and hot and when she woke it was to sticky wet sheets and a feeling that the world had not changed.
Words: 5,912 Chapters: 2/5 Comments: 11 Kudos: 20 Bookmarks: 4 Hits: 317

Image result for i tried not to think but the silence was a killer too

Today I have hardly slept. That is nothing new. However, the activities I was engaged in this morning were truly astounding to me. Jake and I have been talking about building for our future. I astonished the hell out of myself by walking back onto that college campus, sight and reminder of my past failures.

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My first time around in college I regrettably slacked off. I wasted my time and their money. I couldn’t be bothered to do homework, and I slept through classes. I had to drop math 3 times because of the combination of those two problems. It took me forever to finally knock it out.

I lost focus while I was in school, preoccupied with my mother’s problems and my own woes and dating a stupid alcoholic. I dropped out of college with one class standing between me and my business degree. I just stopped going because the class was too hard, and I’d already taken the class once before. I was too proud to get tutoring, and I didn’t care enough to try so I just quit.

Four years later, and I was standing in the orange office again. My hands were trembling when I first noticed how nervous I felt. I had this sensation that someone was going to drop the bullshit smiles and look at me honestly and say, “Are you really sure about coming back? Looks like you weren’t too interested the first time.”

I don’t know how interested I am, but I still did it. I enrolled in classes to start in the Fall, or at least they are pending right now. At any rate, I started the goddamn process, and I am utterly stunned at myself. What are you doing, helping yourself? *shock of disbelief, I am so good at standing in my own way*

Visit postsecret.com for more inspiring messages, this one caught my attention.

I am surprised at myself because I am such a lazy person. I don’t know how I convinced myself to actually go and submit myself to the torture that is rising early for classes and actually applying my intelligence to something. Except I do know how, and it’s very disconcerting to me honestly.Image result for mexican baby cartoonI am interested in perusing a dietitian degree. I want to turn my life around. I have a window of about 3-5 years to birth healthy babies, and I want to make myself healthy enough to house a little one. I don’t want kids now, but I need to build the house for them for when they do come. I want to be healthier sooner.

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I look at myself in the mirror and I body-shame myself. I see my meaty arms and thighs and love handles and what I really see is cushy defeat and sorrow in all that fat. It’s like I’ve given up, but that’s not really so. I just have forgotten how to act like I care about myself.

I’ve spent so much time trying to numb myself to the things I’d rather not think about that I have robbed myself of true pleasure. I am always engaging in false pleasures, fleeting feelings. The feeling of not giving a fuck inevitably goes away until you smoke again. Smoke, or go crazy unable to escape your own thoughts.

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I have established a new school of discipline for myself. It’s actually pretty funny! Hubby and I have been obsessed with watching Gordon Ramsay and all his TV shows. Master Chef, Master Chef Junior, The F word, Kitchen Nightmares, Hotel Hell. Emulating Gordon Ramsay landed my husband a promotion at the hospital kitchen he works in.

Our respect for him is very obvious. I have watched him so much that now when I am sitting down to eat, I actually look at my meal and say to myself, “Gordon Ramsay wouldn’t want me to eat this.” I usually just ate robotically in the past until way past the point of full. Lately I have been limiting my portions and I have avoided splurging on things that I know are bad for me by constantly reminding myself of what he would say about my food choices.

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I haven’t taken care of myself because of ignorance. Now I am going to seek education and do better with it. I want to change my life and my motivations and be different than I am today. I want to give up the drugs and sedentary life style and be someone better. I guess I was so surprised because I actually took the first step today, instead of just thinking or talking about it. I don’t know if I can actually do it, accomplish getting up in the mornings and being more of a regular and responsible person, but I guess all I can do is try.

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Postsecret of the week:live

Contrary to this picture, I actually wish I could be going to therapy right now. The only problem with that is one) necessary funds and two) the willpower to make it to appointments. I have neither, but I aspire to someday.

I mentioned briefly to my fiance the possibility of attending Al Anon meetings again. I used to go for the problems I had with Joshua drinking, now I would like to return for my mother’s dependency on drugs. She makes me want to tear my hair out on a regular basis, just thinking of her, let alone actually seeing her.

I’ve been having to drive all over the state of Oklahoma in order to receive care for my many physical ailments. Most commonly, I am sent to the town of Clinton which is about 2 hours away from my home. I have to go all over the place for the free care of the Indian Clinics. They are extremely frustrating because when you’re sick, you’ll call for an appointment and they’re like, “Well we can see you 2-3 weeks from now.” *rolls eyes* Thanks for nothing!!

They have recently sent me to a specialist for one of my issues. I’m expecting to go to another in the near future, a urologist. On Monday, my fiance and I drove out to Lawton, Oklahoma and the whole trip was about a 6 hour process since we did not have a sturdy vehicle to make the trip, I had to borrow my Grandpa’s heavy duty F-350 to make the trip (which guzzles gas like no other.)

When we went to the clinic last week on Thursday, I had a hellacious day. My mother and I made the drive after I’d been awake all night for night audit and she blared the radio the whole way there, 1 1/2 hours. Then when we went to check in, the nurses had the gall to tell me that the doctor couldn’t see me due to an emergency surgery. I drove over an hour to be told the doctor couldn’t see me O_________________o I almost killed someone that day.

Anyway, finally got to see the doctor/OBGYN and I felt a lot better after speaking with him. My primary care doctor acts like my innards are a mystery and she has horrible bed side manner. This doctor seemed familiar with my problem and suggested birth control. He called it Mittelschmerz which is a fancy word for mid-cyclical pain. So next thing I know, I am being reclined on one of the seats in his office and they are numbing my arm up to shove a birth control device in my arm.

I’ve always been hesitant to be on birth control in the past. The only reason I agreed now is because this pain bites it hard. I never felt comfortable altering my hormones, and that is still the case. Let it be said that at the beginning of having this birth control inputted in my arm that I had recently lost 10 lbs and currently weigh 189 lbs. I worry about gaining weight and being an emotional mess- I mean, let’s face it, I don’t need any help in that department >_____>

What element is your love?

Your Love Element is Metal

In love, you inspire and respect your partner. For you, love is all about fusing together for one incredible life experience.

You attract others with wit and a bit of flash.
Your flirting style is defined by making others want and value you.

Greatness and optimism are the cornerstones of your love life. You may let go too easily, but you never get weighed down by your past.

You connect best with: Earth

Avoid: Fire

You and another Metal element: will control and smother each other

As for my TV shows, I’m catching up with both Once Upon a Time and The Walking Dead.

TWD: Season 6 spoilers!!!!

MY HEART!!!!!! T0T

My wonderful fiance purchased season 6 for me on Amazon prime. SQUEE!!!!! I AM SO EXCITED. I am even being nice and not jetting ahead of him in episodes. He actually knows more spoilers than I do at this point because he talks about it at work which I WISH I could. Anyway, we just finished watching episode 3 in which A TERRIBLE EVENT OCCURS!!! Look away if you haven’t watched it yet.

Glenn dies!! Because of that fucking pissant Nicholas. I could have told you last season that that asshole would be the death of Glenn. He made a grave mistake by choosing to let the little asshole live. He was trying to be a better person by helping out, which I am semi happy about, but STILL!!!!! My heart hurt so much with the death of Glenn. I immediately thought of Maggie, and she reacted pretty much like I thought she might. She was willing to go and look for him, to help him. I must say I was happily surprised that she is pregnant. At least that much of Glenn will live on *cries buckets*

Leap Day, What A Day~

 Jake and I are official now! 

I felt incredibly comforted the other night. Hubby and I were talking and I was ever so pleased when he turned out receptive to my idea. I want us to have an engagement party! I couldn’t believe he agreed. I called my Grandpa to see if we could have it at the Elk’s Lodge, and I want there to be karaoke. ^___^ IT WOULD BE THE MOST FUN.

It’s going to be one Friday in April. I’m so excited 🙂

What’s your dream engagement ring?

Your Dream Engagement Ring
has a Round Diamond!

A round diamond is classic and timeless, just like your style. Your diamond will always look with the times – and goes with everything.

Of all diamonds, round diamonds show the most sparkle. They are often chosen by sweet, dependable women who make marriage their #1 priority.

This test result is awesome because it’s exactly what Jake and I picked out. A couple of weeks ago, Jake and I walked into a Jared store and we picked out our engagement rings. We’re being non traditional, doing our own thing. My ring is gorgeous. Jake’s is quite the eye catcher as well. I love him. I feel safe, valued, and loved making this decision.

~* Charmmy Kitty is So Fab *~

What is Your Love Based On?
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Your Love is Based On Commitment

You believe that love is something that develops and grows.

You don’t believe in love at first site, and you never mistake lust for love. For you, love is about mutual devotion, respect, and understanding.

You don’t feel comfortable in a relationship, unless you’re both in it for the long run.

Why your love can last: You don’t take commitment lightly – or leave relationships easily.

Postsecret of the week:
3.geek
Now that things are official and there’s a rock on my finger, I feel happy and secure. I feel excited to move forward with planning the wedding. I am tentatively reaching out to people to see if they will assist me. I asked Katie to come with me as my maid of honor and she said I am her best friend. *blush* I feel honored, considering how flakey I am. I just hope she will be able to help me with all the important and minute details. The next thing on my agenda is for Jake and I to have our pictures taken for an engagement notice to all our friends and family. I should probably start collecting addresses….

Me & My Emotionally Disturbed Friends

Postsecret of the week:
fat

This week at work, I miraculously got the weekend off!!! 

I am totally living it up to the maxx. The first day, I slept in until pretty much 3pm. The only reason I dragged myself out of bed then was because I didn’t want to miss the Friends of the Library Book Sale. Even so, I was telling my friend K later, “You know there’s a problem when I had so much trouble leaving the house. You know something’s wrong when I can’t bring myself to go to a BOOK FAIR.” =[

Even so, I did make it! I bought about 30 plus books and a few magazines, bridal magazines oo~la~la! After the book fair, I decided to meet up with my friend K despite emotional difficulties I was having at the time. We met up for dinner, and she had interesting news to share with me.

K is one of my bisexual friends who makes a very big deal about it. It’s a secret, so of course she values it all the more. I used to feel the same way when I was first accepting my identity. She is somewhat of a late bloomer. But she said it was more so this is the first time in her life where she likes what she sees.

She was excited because she joined an online app exclusively for lesbians and bisexual women. She’d hit it off with a couple of girls and was excited that she was being so outgoing. Normally, she would never get involved as she has been but she seems really eager to engage in a female relationship. I’ve known her to have one boyfriend and one female relationship, and the female one seemed to touch her much more. It’s good that she’s ready to get back out there.

She ran into an intriguing situation. She’s getting to know these girls, and of course, they want to know about her, too. At first, it surprised me when she divulged to me that she’d “messed up” and told one girl about suffering from a bipolar disorder and the girl stopped talking to her. K made the mistake of being too honest too soon. She has found a new girl that she is really getting along with, and is wondering about the same problem. How will she tell this girl she is heavily medicated and emotionally disturbed? What’s more, once she’s worked up the courage, will the girl still like her?

I laughed about it and tried to reassure K. “Don’t worry, you’re on the right track. You’re supposed to say the things that make them like you right now. THEN, you can start being honest after they like you, because then they’ll have no choice.” lol That’s what any girl does to nab someone.

K is one of my only friends who completely understands how we emotionally freak out every once in a while and just can’t do normal things that are easy for everyone else to do. We were just lamenting over dinner how we can’t catch a break and honestly tell our employers, “Hey, I’m not all here today. I don’t think it’s best that I come into work today because I won’t reflect my best work. You guys won’t really want me there, and I definitely don’t think that I should be there.” 😐 Too bad we can’t be so candid. She told me she called into work yesterday because of her anxiety. I traded a story with her about my most recent sick day at work.

I was supposed to wake up early and go to my clinic, but I accidentally slept through my alarm. Around noon, I started to get anxiety about my health (experiencing constant pelvic pain) and I thought maybe I should call into work.

“No, I don’t want to be an asshole who calls in,” I said to myself so I went into work anyway. Only to have a nervous breakdown in my car five minutes before going in, trapping myself in the break room and then proceeding to bawl my eyes out in front of my manager and tell him I need to leave and go to the E.R.

x____O

Trials & Tribulations

Postsecret of the Week: 
dc

Experiencing difficulties as of late:

  • A lot of catty girl conflict up at the job Resulting in a relapse of acid reflex and a lot of anxiety issues for myself. I even had to bring my stress levels to my boss’s attention, which I was loathe to do.
  • Been seriously considering going into a new line of work Left wondering to myself what I would like to pursue? I’m concerned about moving to a job that would pay me near the same, and I’m afraid I won’t be able to find that now that I got used to salary pay at the hotel.
  • My dad went to jail He’s being held, and my mother is beside herself. She’s used to relying on him and he actually got her car impounded for driving it without a license and since he had drugs on him, it was seized for criminal investigation. My mother is destitute, and we had a quarrel over Johnny. I criticized him and she wouldn’t hear any of it, not wanting to accept that I’m allowed to be mad at him for getting locked up. Her being alone and me feeling the need to check on her is a burden to me and I feel it like a rock in my stomach all the time. I have a lot of genuine despair over the state of her affairs, and find myself
  • Thinking about my dead grandma The 7th anniversary of her death is this following month. I’ve been thinking about how far we her children have gone since her departure and I feel ashamed of all of us. I’m having some mental anxiety issues and they’re fucking up my life.
  • Having health issues Including but not limited to;
    -two broken teeth in mouth
    -stomach anxiety problems
    -signs of depression
    -infection

WATCHING A NEW NETFLIX SERIES

Strange Empire

I would have to say my favorite character is Kat Loving. I also think Isabelle is a very dynamic character and I’m a fan of Mr. Caze and Kat’s two girls.