Postsecret of the week:live

Contrary to this picture, I actually wish I could be going to therapy right now. The only problem with that is one) necessary funds and two) the willpower to make it to appointments. I have neither, but I aspire to someday.

I mentioned briefly to my fiance the possibility of attending Al Anon meetings again. I used to go for the problems I had with Joshua drinking, now I would like to return for my mother’s dependency on drugs. She makes me want to tear my hair out on a regular basis, just thinking of her, let alone actually seeing her.

I’ve been having to drive all over the state of Oklahoma in order to receive care for my many physical ailments. Most commonly, I am sent to the town of Clinton which is about 2 hours away from my home. I have to go all over the place for the free care of the Indian Clinics. They are extremely frustrating because when you’re sick, you’ll call for an appointment and they’re like, “Well we can see you 2-3 weeks from now.” *rolls eyes* Thanks for nothing!!

They have recently sent me to a specialist for one of my issues. I’m expecting to go to another in the near future, a urologist. On Monday, my fiance and I drove out to Lawton, Oklahoma and the whole trip was about a 6 hour process since we did not have a sturdy vehicle to make the trip, I had to borrow my Grandpa’s heavy duty F-350 to make the trip (which guzzles gas like no other.)

When we went to the clinic last week on Thursday, I had a hellacious day. My mother and I made the drive after I’d been awake all night for night audit and she blared the radio the whole way there, 1 1/2 hours. Then when we went to check in, the nurses had the gall to tell me that the doctor couldn’t see me due to an emergency surgery. I drove over an hour to be told the doctor couldn’t see me O_________________o I almost killed someone that day.

Anyway, finally got to see the doctor/OBGYN and I felt a lot better after speaking with him. My primary care doctor acts like my innards are a mystery and she has horrible bed side manner. This doctor seemed familiar with my problem and suggested birth control. He called it Mittelschmerz which is a fancy word for mid-cyclical pain. So next thing I know, I am being reclined on one of the seats in his office and they are numbing my arm up to shove a birth control device in my arm.

I’ve always been hesitant to be on birth control in the past. The only reason I agreed now is because this pain bites it hard. I never felt comfortable altering my hormones, and that is still the case. Let it be said that at the beginning of having this birth control inputted in my arm that I had recently lost 10 lbs and currently weigh 189 lbs. I worry about gaining weight and being an emotional mess- I mean, let’s face it, I don’t need any help in that department >_____>

What element is your love?

Your Love Element is Metal

In love, you inspire and respect your partner. For you, love is all about fusing together for one incredible life experience.

You attract others with wit and a bit of flash.
Your flirting style is defined by making others want and value you.

Greatness and optimism are the cornerstones of your love life. You may let go too easily, but you never get weighed down by your past.

You connect best with: Earth

Avoid: Fire

You and another Metal element: will control and smother each other

As for my TV shows, I’m catching up with both Once Upon a Time and The Walking Dead.

TWD: Season 6 spoilers!!!!

MY HEART!!!!!! T0T

My wonderful fiance purchased season 6 for me on Amazon prime. SQUEE!!!!! I AM SO EXCITED. I am even being nice and not jetting ahead of him in episodes. He actually knows more spoilers than I do at this point because he talks about it at work which I WISH I could. Anyway, we just finished watching episode 3 in which A TERRIBLE EVENT OCCURS!!! Look away if you haven’t watched it yet.

Glenn dies!! Because of that fucking pissant Nicholas. I could have told you last season that that asshole would be the death of Glenn. He made a grave mistake by choosing to let the little asshole live. He was trying to be a better person by helping out, which I am semi happy about, but STILL!!!!! My heart hurt so much with the death of Glenn. I immediately thought of Maggie, and she reacted pretty much like I thought she might. She was willing to go and look for him, to help him. I must say I was happily surprised that she is pregnant. At least that much of Glenn will live on *cries buckets*

These are strange times we live in

Strange But True vol. V

I visited with my mother, my aunt, and her boyfriend today. It was a pretty unpleasant experience actually. I hate to admit it, but my mother is poison that just friggin’ kills me. My Aunt Rob is very disapproving of her addiction as well. Rob only stays in town for one night usually because she doesn’t like being around my mom on drugs. She doesn’t bring her kids anymore because Mom is like how she is. It breaks my heart. It kills me.

My mom’s on her own, and she’s doing horrible. No one’s taking care of her, and I can’t. It’s too hard. I can’t, and I know that isn’t a good excuse. It feels horrible to know someone who won’t help themselves.

It was hard enough for me when I dated an alcoholic. Now I have an uncomfortable view of and relationship with my mother because of her drug addiction. I don’t come around because I don’t like her lifestyle, and her absence in my life makes me feel horrible. I don’t like to talk to her or be around her because I just can’t handle it. Being around er reminds me that I am failing her, and I feel ashamed of myself. I feel ashamed of her. I am resentful, and hopeless with despair.

My mom asked my aunt to talk to me. My mom still wants to invite her shithead friend Shelley to my engagement party. I do not like this bitch. I don’t care that she keeps my mom from being lonely. I don’t like her because she encourages my mom’s lifestyle and probably is stealing from her. I don’t trust the woman. And when my mom asked if she could have an invitation, I immediately felt hesitant because I knew if I felt the need to warn my mom she’s not allowed to be on drugs at the party because of Shelley, then I don’t want that fuckin’ bitch there.

However, she is my mom’s closest friend right now so I am in between a rock and a hard place. I am so upset at my mother for doing so badly and not being able to pull herself out of it. I am angry at her. I don’t know what I should do. Rob and I talked about mom going to rehab, and by God if it doesn’t sound like what she’ll need. I can’t help her. I can’t be there for her. She needs more help than I provide.

I want to show my mother I care about her, and that I need her to make this change. Mom. I miss you. I can’t stand that you’re letting this happen to you. I think it would be best for you if you went with Grandpa, and take Zeus with you. My mom needs to go somewhere she doesn’t know anybody and get away from the life and people she’s around now. I love you mom but you need it, you need to get away. I’ll miss you more than anything while you’re gone, but I want you to get better. I need you to get better. I need you, and I’m scared of losing you.Please go away, so you can come back. You can become stronger, you can do better. I know you can.

Strange But True

I had the most disturbing dream yesterday. I woke myself up from the fit I was having in my dream. Whatever happened, for some reason I had agreed to let Jake sleep with another girl. I get the sense I had previously agreed to it, since I don’t remember doing so in the dream.

All I know is that we were in some other person’s house, and I was walking down a hallway. It was dark, but I still happened to see when I passed by an open door- Jake was standing at the foot of the bed, looking utterly enthralled at fingering some other girl’s pussy. I about died. She was blond and thin and having a hell of a time. The thought of Jake hell bent on pleasuring another woman made me go nuts. In the dream, I started crying hysterically and barged into the room. I shoved him and hit on him and then ran out of the room crying, and he followed me.

Jake shook me awake. I was crying in the dream and the crying woke me up in real life. I tried to joke it off and say, “You!!!” LOL But in a real sense, there is a lot going on in that dream. Some people might consider me foolish, but I listen to my dreams.

dreammoods.com says;

Being cheated on in a dream points to fear of abandonment:

To dream that your mate, spouse, or significant other is cheating on you also indicates your fears of being abandoned. You are concerned about the future and whether your significant other will be there for you. Perhaps you are waiting for a commitment from your significant other. Often such dreams may occur because you were abandoned before by an ex, by a parent or important person in your life.

Being cheated on also points to low self-esteem:

When you feel unworthy, inadequate or that you do no measure up to the expectation of others, you may dream that your lover is cheating on you. You have a low sense of self-worth and feel that there is no reason for your mate to stay with you. Consider who your significant other is cheating with in your dream. Is this person someone who you think is better than you in some way? Are they handsomer, prettier, thinner, richer, smarter, etc?

Crying
To dream that you are crying signifies a release of negative emotions that is more likely caused by some waking situation rather than the events of the dream itself. Your dream is a way to regain some emotional balance and to safely let out your fears and frustrations. In your daily lives, you tend to ignore, deny, or repress your feelings. But in your dream state, your defense mechanisms are no longer on guard and thus allow for the release of those feelings that you have repressed during the day.

To wake up crying represents some suppressed hurt or previous trauma that is coming up to the surface. You can no longer suppress these emotions. They need to be dealt with head on.

To dream that no one hears or responds to your cries represents your helplessness, difficulties and frustrations in trying to communicate with others. You feel that your words are falling on deaf ears. Perhaps your dream is telling you to be more vocal and work harder to get your point across.

Tears
To dream that you are in tears signify that you are undergoing a period of healing in your life. The tears symbolize compassion, emotional healing and spiritual cleansing. Alternatively, tears indicate pain.

To dream that someone is in tears indicate that you need to rethink your actions and how your behavior may be affecting those around you.

To see a teardrop in your dream represents some previous wisdom that you have learned or recalled.

Fighting
To dream that you are in a fight indicates inner turmoil. Some aspect of yourself is in conflict with another aspect of yourself. Perhaps an unresolved or unacknowledged part is fighting for its right to be heard. It may also parallel a fight or struggle that you are going through in your waking life.

To dream that you are trying to fight, but cannot throw your arms as hard as you want signifies lack of self-esteem and self-confidence in some area of your waking life. You are unsure of your next move. This dream may also reflect your actual state of REM paralysis during the dream state.

From this, I gather that I truly do have a self esteem problem. I tell people I am on cloud nine, but I must be truthful. I have a background on my phone that says “SICK SAD GIRL” and it couldn’t be more true. I am depressed and addicted to drugs. I am not really any better than my mother, except for I can function and hold a job for 8 hours a day, 5 days a week. I have a sadness, a problem that I have been ignoring.

I have been thinking to myself lately, “I’m obviously getting the better deal here. I get Jake, and all Jake gets is me.” I have been down on myself, considering myself less. I talk bad to myself when no one else is listening. I don’t pay attention to my needs. I ignore basic needs like good foods I should be eating instead of take out every night and simple things like basic hygiene. What are you doing, girl?

Jake sometimes mentions going up to Colorado to live. I secretly agree with him that I would love to go, but I always hesitate because of the way he treats me. When Jake is mad, he sees red and he says horrible things. He tells me to go back and live with my mom if I don’t like him, and it kills me everytime because I ain’t goin’ nowhere. Nowhere soon.

As soon as he gets out of that habit, we can move to Colorado. We can’t as long as he flings shit like that in my face. I won’t be right around the corner from mama’s anymore, will I??? It’s kinda surreal, in a way. Jake is terrified I’ll leave him, and I am terrified that he’ll leave me.

Me & My Emotionally Disturbed Friends

Postsecret of the week:
fat

This week at work, I miraculously got the weekend off!!! 

I am totally living it up to the maxx. The first day, I slept in until pretty much 3pm. The only reason I dragged myself out of bed then was because I didn’t want to miss the Friends of the Library Book Sale. Even so, I was telling my friend K later, “You know there’s a problem when I had so much trouble leaving the house. You know something’s wrong when I can’t bring myself to go to a BOOK FAIR.” =[

Even so, I did make it! I bought about 30 plus books and a few magazines, bridal magazines oo~la~la! After the book fair, I decided to meet up with my friend K despite emotional difficulties I was having at the time. We met up for dinner, and she had interesting news to share with me.

K is one of my bisexual friends who makes a very big deal about it. It’s a secret, so of course she values it all the more. I used to feel the same way when I was first accepting my identity. She is somewhat of a late bloomer. But she said it was more so this is the first time in her life where she likes what she sees.

She was excited because she joined an online app exclusively for lesbians and bisexual women. She’d hit it off with a couple of girls and was excited that she was being so outgoing. Normally, she would never get involved as she has been but she seems really eager to engage in a female relationship. I’ve known her to have one boyfriend and one female relationship, and the female one seemed to touch her much more. It’s good that she’s ready to get back out there.

She ran into an intriguing situation. She’s getting to know these girls, and of course, they want to know about her, too. At first, it surprised me when she divulged to me that she’d “messed up” and told one girl about suffering from a bipolar disorder and the girl stopped talking to her. K made the mistake of being too honest too soon. She has found a new girl that she is really getting along with, and is wondering about the same problem. How will she tell this girl she is heavily medicated and emotionally disturbed? What’s more, once she’s worked up the courage, will the girl still like her?

I laughed about it and tried to reassure K. “Don’t worry, you’re on the right track. You’re supposed to say the things that make them like you right now. THEN, you can start being honest after they like you, because then they’ll have no choice.” lol That’s what any girl does to nab someone.

K is one of my only friends who completely understands how we emotionally freak out every once in a while and just can’t do normal things that are easy for everyone else to do. We were just lamenting over dinner how we can’t catch a break and honestly tell our employers, “Hey, I’m not all here today. I don’t think it’s best that I come into work today because I won’t reflect my best work. You guys won’t really want me there, and I definitely don’t think that I should be there.” 😐 Too bad we can’t be so candid. She told me she called into work yesterday because of her anxiety. I traded a story with her about my most recent sick day at work.

I was supposed to wake up early and go to my clinic, but I accidentally slept through my alarm. Around noon, I started to get anxiety about my health (experiencing constant pelvic pain) and I thought maybe I should call into work.

“No, I don’t want to be an asshole who calls in,” I said to myself so I went into work anyway. Only to have a nervous breakdown in my car five minutes before going in, trapping myself in the break room and then proceeding to bawl my eyes out in front of my manager and tell him I need to leave and go to the E.R.

x____O

Trials & Tribulations

Postsecret of the Week: 
dc

Experiencing difficulties as of late:

  • A lot of catty girl conflict up at the job Resulting in a relapse of acid reflex and a lot of anxiety issues for myself. I even had to bring my stress levels to my boss’s attention, which I was loathe to do.
  • Been seriously considering going into a new line of work Left wondering to myself what I would like to pursue? I’m concerned about moving to a job that would pay me near the same, and I’m afraid I won’t be able to find that now that I got used to salary pay at the hotel.
  • My dad went to jail He’s being held, and my mother is beside herself. She’s used to relying on him and he actually got her car impounded for driving it without a license and since he had drugs on him, it was seized for criminal investigation. My mother is destitute, and we had a quarrel over Johnny. I criticized him and she wouldn’t hear any of it, not wanting to accept that I’m allowed to be mad at him for getting locked up. Her being alone and me feeling the need to check on her is a burden to me and I feel it like a rock in my stomach all the time. I have a lot of genuine despair over the state of her affairs, and find myself
  • Thinking about my dead grandma The 7th anniversary of her death is this following month. I’ve been thinking about how far we her children have gone since her departure and I feel ashamed of all of us. I’m having some mental anxiety issues and they’re fucking up my life.
  • Having health issues Including but not limited to;
    -two broken teeth in mouth
    -stomach anxiety problems
    -signs of depression
    -infection

WATCHING A NEW NETFLIX SERIES

Strange Empire

I would have to say my favorite character is Kat Loving. I also think Isabelle is a very dynamic character and I’m a fan of Mr. Caze and Kat’s two girls.

If you stay here too long, you’ll go mad.

I had a very nice day today. Perhaps it was the change in scenery, but having Monica switch to the PM shift was quite pleasant. She is a sweet, nice, and pleasant person. I enjoy her blond visage and the kind way her eyes wrinkle at the corners when she smiles. I like having positive, nice people hanging around. I like my PM shift, I think I do an adequate job. I rarely disappear from the desk, and if I am gone it’s never for too long. I have unreliable cell service though, let me tell you what a bitch that is. There was a period of 3 days my loved ones were trying to reach me, and they were not able to because my phone wasn’t receiving texts or calls. I saw no indication they tried to call. And almost everytime I go to send a text or make a call, my phone says I’m outside the mobile area. I have a wal-mart phone, and it sucks ass. Do not get one!

Next item on the agenda;

I have been on again off again about the notion of getting a therapist again. I don’t think that my old one is interested any longer. Meaning I have to find a new one, and that’s always a chore- deciding on a new therapist. I always ask myself why I am seeking help and what I am looking to find after the why I purposely prevented myself from going the first time around. I used to pay my old therapist because I wanted to hear some older, kind lady say nice things about me and see me for the yearning for approval and guidance girl that I am. I wanted someone maternal whom I could divulge my deepest thoughts and desires to, someone I could trust to help me examine myself, help me to see who I really am and what I should really be doing.

And lately, I have been shunning the concept. I have turned my back on anyone’s guidance. I listen to Jake against my will. What would happen if I truly heeded the warning bells in the back of my skull, the ones ringing with a ferocious need for me to free myself and break free, and be what??? A lost girl all alone, confused, giving herself to the wrong people. I stay with the devil I know, instead of going out to seek a new one. Am I weak, or simply wise?

What I mean by shunning the concept is it’s been nary a month since my last transgression, and I am already stirring the pot again. Everyone wants to hang out with me after work, and I became the topic of discussion this evening with my co-workers. They were talking about how bummerific it must be to be with someone who won’t let you drink, and I explained that I was just being supportive and honoring his wishes. I don’t drink, I said. I don’t drink because he doesn’t want me to drink. He used to have a problem, and he doesn’t like stupid, drunk people anyway because he’s liable to get in a fight with one of them and disturb all the peace he has tried so hard to painstakingly cultivate in his corner of the universe. You have to respect the man for doing what he believes and having values he doesn’t believe should be violated. He has found the formula for problems, and they include alcohol a lot of the time.

Alcohol has done much to wreck the things I love, too. Yet I still persist in almost getting my ass thrown out of my home by trying to mingle with everyone else. It makes me feel so awkward that they all ask and I have to turn them down. They don’t understand I’m only out of my cage for awhile, I have to return. The giant won’t stand for me to keep him waiting one minute, let alone thirty. He can’t stand the idea of someone else giving me pleasure or consuming any of my time, even if it is just for a small drink after work and an innocent, platonic conversation.

It was also weird not too many nights ago. I have learned that Elizabeth is going through a tough time. She was on my mind somehow, I guess, and Jake and I got to talking about her in some way. He looked at my knowingly and the look on my face betrayed me when he told me, “I know how you feel about her. You cried all night that one night you couldn’t see her.” I guess it doesn’t take a fool to realize when you examine the facts. I always have to remind myself she was the one who left. And when she comes back, and he doesn’t allow me to see her, I do hate her being home. I hate that I stay away from her because he’ll make me miserable if I do. He never touches me, he just torments me mentally. He makes me feel lower than dirt, smaller than a maggot, unfit to kiss his feet and beg for mercy. I prostrate myself before him and become completely undone, he rips me apart and shows the pieces to me, asking them why they’re not perfect, why can’t you just never do anything for yourself and only for me? He wants me to act unselfishly, to never stray from his side.

And I have trouble doing that. I just wish he’d see he could afford to have a happy, well-rounded woman on his hands. I could be happier, less depressed, if he would let me have social interactions. But instead, I remain caged here in my comfortable nest where he lets me be a slob. I stew in my unhappiness, and can’t find enough energy to get myself out the door. I don’t pick up the phone to call my friends and seek them out because I’m ashamed of how things are, and explaining the way I am standing in the cage gets so tiresome and horrible. I’d rather not bother. So I sit at home alone, lonely.

To Sum Up April

I am glad to report that I am doing much better recently. At least, mental health wise and physically anyway! =D I still have some pretty unhealthy habits, but I have given up fast food (& others) which started as a 30 day challenge in February and lost 12 lbs as a result. I still need to lose more in order to reach my goal of dropping 15% of my body weight, since that is what’s recommended in order to avoid pre-diabetes.

Also, I’ve been developing some pretty good guns lol I started lifting light weights here at Jake’s house. This month featured Jake’s birthday, and for some reason at the beginning of the month life was looking up; my job was going well, I was making better friends with the old biddies, and Jake and I were miraculously getting along. We’ve been in love all over again this month and it’s still going pretty well, despite a few bumps and bruises.

AND MAJOR FUCKING BOMBS. 

D= X_X >=(

I found out this past weekend that my man’s job fucked him out of an evening shift. They transferred him to a new location farther away. Not only that, he is now working the 6am-3pm shift as of today and I anticipate that it is going to suck balls. As soon as he told me, it was hard to conceal the outright horror and sheer panic I felt at the revelation. This past weekend was spent trying to reconcile my feelings with this new drastic change. I was in agony to the point of distraction and agitation at work that my old biddy friend Linda was concerned about me.

I don’t want to automatically be negative, but I saw the window of opportunity I had for freedom slam close when he told me the news. All I long for is a night cap after work with a girlfriend, maybe 2 cocktails or so, why can’t you just deal with that without painting me as an alcoholic? Does it really have to be a deal breaker that I want a beer every now and then?

This has been an issue of some concern between Jake and I as well. He is adamant that I should never even dream of drinking, and I can expect to be out on my ass if I do. He just wants what’s right for me, but I can’t help but struggle. This doesn’t stop me from disobeying his preferences and going out with my girlfriend Sara anyway. I know he is just overprotective and scared of crowds, rowdiness involving alcohol, and the mysteries of the night that once reached out and snatched his mother at a young age and I want to grow a backbone and tell him, dude, I’ll be home before last call, now stop worrying please. But that would never fly, and I’m feeling frustrated because now I can’t go out at night, and also he’ll be around after 3pm on my day off >__< 

I want it to work, but it won’t without my private time 😦 I hope he is willing to grant it to me, but if I have to move back into my mother’s dilapidated house to earn back some independence, is that really back peddling so much? 

p.s. I still have my tax money.