Tag: quotes

Is my life determined to be ironic at all times?

The things you care about matter. The things you enjoy and are passionate about are important because they are your passion.

Every time I turn around, I notice things about kids. I can’t stop thinking about it. I saw this trailer for a movie and I can’t wait to see it. It wrung my heart- it is exactly what I want to do.

Everyone wants to adopt a baby. No one wants to show a seven year old love. They all the want the little kids. I just want to foster a young boy, maybe brothers if we’re lucky. Will I ever have that?

My girlfriend asked me what that means for my relationship if my husband ultimately doesn’t want children. I both love and hate the idea. The present me loves it because he wishes to care for me and only me in the future. He doesn’t want to share my attention with children. He wants it to just be us.

I am both impatient with and understand the desire to wait to have children. We have time. It’s a life long commitment, and maybe we’re not there yet truthfully. Jake and I’s second anniversary rolled around recently and I get the feeling his feelings are cooled somewhat from times past. Our sex life isn’t the best, so therefore I am not as lovable.  One of my other girlfriends commented that my relationship relies entirely upon my pussy’s health. She wasn’t kidding. It sucks to know hard truths, but a true friend tells them. The bad thing is I’m not always healthy.

I am physically unavailable, and he is emotionally unavailable. We both struggle with some of the same problems but he seems determined to ignore those problems. I have a desire to work the 12 step program and have him participate, also. It’s therapeutic and perhaps we would gain closure in may ways, both together and separately. We both suffer from B.E.D. and we could understand our reasons why maybe if we worked together.

I had the audacity to make this suggestion and my husband resented it horribly. He hated to confront hard truths. He would rather not discuss that which he isn’t willing to examine more closely. The more detailed questions I asked, the more unsettled he became. That will teach me a lesson about trying to therapize my husband without his knowledge.  He does not place nice with others sometimes. He can be a mean, snapping bulldog from time to time. Quite vicious and unyielding. He would never raise a hand to me, but I can remember thinking the same thing about my mother.

Sometimes I ignore how my mother treated me in my past. Not living under the same roof makes me more forgiving. But in reading the book I am getting together, I can’t help but remember how alienated she made me feel. We used to fight and shout with each other. We shoved each other, I ran away from home. I lived out of my car to avoid her. I became an alcoholic without her love. Lost and yearning for a mother figure who didn’t try to make me look incompetent and stupid at every turn. Someone who valued me and wanted nothing from me.

My therapist made a poignant point to me one time. She said it made sense that I liked participating in my husband’s version of microscopic love. My fathers never paid me any attention, and now I had a man that was utterly interested in my every coming and going. I liked the attention to detail. I liked being controlled. I liked being paid strict attention, even when I chaffed against it. I tested his love. It reminds me of a favorite passage from my favorite book:

On the whole, this person with the sunburst on his boots remained cranky and disagreeable in his behavior toward the little blond runt. He realized it, too. Joe knew good and well he had become a pain in the neck, and what’s more he was none too concerned about it. But there was a reason for his unconcern; He was happy.

For the first time in his life, he felt himself released from the necessity of grinning and posturing and yearning for the attention of others. Nowadays he had, in the person of Ratso Rizzo, someone who needed his presence in an urgent, almost frantic way that was a balm to something in him that had long been exposed and enflamed and itching to be soothed. God alone knew how or why, but he had somehow actually stumbled upon a creature who seemed to worship him. Joe Buck had never before known such power and was therefore ill equipped to administer it. All he could do was taste it over and over again like a sugar starved child on a mountain of candy: cuss and frown and complain and bitch, and watch Ratso take it. For that is the way in which power is usually tasted; in the abuse of it. It was delicious and sickening and he couldn’t stop himself. The only thing the runt seemed to demand was the privilege of occupying whatever space he could find in the tall cowboy’s shadow. And casting such a shadow had become Joe Buck’s special pleasure. 

We made it through all the uncertainty. I became used to his law. We are both reflections of the other in many ways. We have dealt with similar things in our lives. He has cared for a physically disabled person in the past as I have. He has cared for and provided for younger siblings and girls especially. We both dealt with an addict parent in our lives. We have both dated addicts in our past and tried to help or change them. We have both suffered from codependency issues, and yet we jumped in feet first with each other anyway.

I read once, “You attract what you are, not what you want. So who are you being?”

Birds of a feather flock together.

Like begets liking.

I have realized that my past partners and I all had things in common. The over arching theme is depression and anxiety of some sort. I attract sad, anxious people because I am sad little monster living in a sick, sad world.

Image result for sick sad girl

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You Wouldn’t Like Me (Would You?)


There’s a war inside of me
Do I cause new heartbreak to write new broken song
Do I push it down or let it run me 
Right into the ground
I feel like I wouldn’t like me 
If I met me
Well I can’t stop talking
For fear of listening to unwelcome sound
And you haven’t called me in weeks
And honestly it’s bringing me down
I feel like I wouldn’t like me if I met me
I feel like you wouldn’t like me if you met me
And don’t you worry, there’s still time
There’s nothing to live for 
When I’m sleeping alone
And I wash the windows outside 
In hopes that the glare 
Will bring you around
Sunshine is days away
I won’t be saved, I know all the words
I can’t say that I’ll love you forever
I won’t say that I’ll love you forever

I have been browsing online for creative writing classes. I stumbled upon the OSU-OKC website, the school I wish to go back to when I can get around to paying off my damn bill. But my finances is not the point of this post, so I digress;

LIFE STORY

LOL is it bad that my first thought reading this was, “Oh no, well, mine is more like a cautionary tale.” I snickered. Truly!

I’m working on a volume right now. It’s about some core issues I struggle with, and the book is DARK. It’s poetry full of angst, regret, and sorrow. “My summer was saturated in death and mortality.” It reflects heavily in my dark volume.

Because my next thought made me chuckle, too. “Actually, my story of my life more so reminds me of the theme song to Lemony Snicket’s Unfortunate Series of Events XD

If you are interested in stories with happy endings, then you would be better off somewhere else. In this story, not only is there no happy ending, there is no happy beginning, and very few happy things in the middle.

My name is Lemony Snicket. It is my solemn duty to bring to light the sorry history of the Baudelaire children as it happened so many years ago.
But you in the audience have no such obligation, and I would advise all our viewers to turn away immediately and watch something more pleasant instead.

This story will be dreadful, melancholy and calamitous, a word which here means “dreadful and melancholy.” That is because not very many happy things happened in the lives of the Baudelaires.

Violet, Klaus and Sunny were intelligent children. Charming and resourceful, they had pleasant facial features, but they were extremely unlucky. Most everything that happened to them was rife with misfortune, misery and despair. I’m sorry to tell you this – but that’s how the story goes.

-Lemony Snicket’s Series of Unfortunate Events

There is something about writing dark material. So shameful to admit to being the author. Is it, though? So much of myself I feel I shouldn’t share… but then, the things that happen to me must surely happen to other people. I’m a wife who worries about her marriage. I’m a daughter affected by her mother’s drug abuse. I struggle with drugs. I’ve gone to therapy and should be going, still. I’m a member of the Al-Anon community on my better days.

I want to publish my dream blog about my experience with my sobriety. It’s also dark and personal. Like I said, everything I write is dark right now… it’s seeping out in my poetry and collage making. But do I have the balls to own my shit????????????

If my family ever read my dark volume, they wouldn’t be amused. I say some very hard things about my mother in particular. The book is about the despair of losing your identity.

I used to be a Native American woman. Now truthfully, I am a Mexican-Native-American. I never knew I was Mexican. Do I call myself hispanic, latino? IT’S SO FOREIGN TO ME. I reject my father’s label. My identity was different for twenty four years. My narrative was a different story without him. I never knew I was Mexican. I never learned the culture or the language. It’s going to be a weird book.

I imagined going to creative writing class and sharing my real self. I remember during the orientation for my dietitian class and one of my classmates was so remarkably honest. He said he struggled with substance abuse in the past and used his new lifestyle to commit to sobriety. I found myself wanting to share in that confession, but I could never.

Because you don’t want people to look at you sadly. They never know what to say. Their questions are annoying. I told someone during my sobriety I packed on the pounds and they unhelpfully remarked, “Oh, isn’t it the other way around? Get high on weed, get the munchies, get fat?” Well it wasn’t in my case genius way to make me feel like a failure.

I have a stupid eating problem. I have a moderate case of bulimia. I suffer from anxiety and depression. Cue this song:

And finally, one other quote reminds me of my life;

Image result for if you think this story has a happy ending

When you play the game of thrones, you win or you die.

Some of my favorite quotes from the series….

“A dragon is not a slave. Dracaryus!”
-Danaeryus Targaryean

“When the snows fall and the white winds blow, the lone wolf dies, but the pack survives.”
-Sansa Stark

“You’re going to die tomorrow, Lord Bolton. Sleep well.”
-Sansa Stark

“Fuck the King.”
-Sandor Clegane

Image result for leave one wolf alive and the sheep are never safe
-Arya Stark

“Tell Cersei. I want her to know it was me.”
-Olenna Tyrell

“A lion does not concern himself with the opinion of sheep.”
-Tywin Lannister

“A Lannister always pays his debts.”
-The Lannisters

“Valar morghulis: All Men Must Die.”
-No One

“Yes, all men must die. But we are not men.”
-Danaeryus Targaryean

“And what do we say to death? Not today.”
-Syrio Forel

“For the night is dark and full of terrors.”
-Melissandre

“I don’t want to be a Queen. I want to be The Queen.”
-Margery Tyrell

“I will hurt you for this. A day will come when you think you are safe and happy, and your joy will turn to ashes in your mouth. And you will know the debt is paid.”
-Tyrion Lannister

Progress Not Perfection

Lyrics:

I’m so full of love I could barely eat

There’s nothing sweeter than my baby

I’d never want once from the cherry tree

‘Cause my baby’s sweet as can be

She give me toothaches just from kissin’ me

When my time comes around

Lay me gently in the cold dark earth

No grave can hold my body down

I’ll crawl home to her

*~*~*

My baby never fret none

About what my hands and my body done

If the lord don’t forgive me

I’d still have my baby and my babe would have me

When I was kissing on my baby

And she put her love down soft and sweet

In the lowland plot I was free

Heaven and hell were words to me

When my time comes around

Lay me gently in the cold dark earth

No grave can hold my body down


I saw a commercial today for Gatorade. Michael Jordan asked, “Do you want to know what the key to victory is? Defeat.”

There is something to be said in rising every time you fail. I was/am trying to quit smoking and I am making slip ups. If my goal was to give up smoking cold turkey, then I have failed my mission.

I feel so much happier when I smoke. I ask myself, “Why am I denying myself this? It feels so good.” It feels so good to not care. But god dammit, not caring is a slippery slope. I feel care-free right now and relieved from smoking some dirty resin. But how quickly care-free turns into a bottomless pit of despair that you’re sitting at the bottom of, smoking to forget where you are.

It’s terrible living in such despair. I have to stay away from it. I did a bad job lately when it comes to my self-reflection. For the past week and a half I have been neglecting to journal in my One Day at a Time journal and it’s fucked me up missing those days.

I have been participating in Al-Anon privately. Unfortunately, I’ve only ever went to one actual meeting and that was years ago for someone else’s problem. I realize I need to go to the meetings, I just haven’t made it a priority since I am trying to be dedicated more so to the literature. I’m on Step 4 right now which is to make a “fearless and searching moral inventory of yourself.”

That is a hard enough step without moving onto the next one. Step 5, “Become willing to admit these faults to another human being.” I made an appointment with a therapist. I could go to free meetings, but I’m too intimidated to go into a room of other people. I feel like I have to start small and admit my secrets to one person. Maybe she’ll be able to help me, but I can’t be sure. Then perhaps I can move onto the group meetings, I just feel not equal to it currently.

It’s hard to care about myself when I’ve spent so much time perfecting not caring. One nice thing about quitting smoking is that my dreams are coming back. I’ve been getting better sleep and feeling more rested. I’m not late to work because I’m smoking. I’ve been showing up to work earlier.

I have had to take more anxiety pills. It’s been 10 days since I’ve smoked actual weed. I have refrained from buying more. Technically, all I am doing is getting rid of the last of my stash. I just have a little resin left. I know I should throw it away. I have considered asking my husband to hide it for emergencies. I can’t bring myself to let him hide it, or throw it away.

Even if I’ve smoked resin a few times since Day 1, my habits are drastically improved. In my past life, I came home at 11:30pm and sat down in front of the computer and I smoked until sun up. Then I would wake and bake before work the next day. About 7 hours of the day is what I was averaging sober before. I am making progress, even if I’ve fucked up and indulged some. I just have to have a stricter resolve.

I have to remember that my discomfort is TEMPORARY. IT WILL PASS.


Steve Carell is known as a funny guy, but he has some excellent romantic roles in him as well. My hubby and I just watched;

Related image

He had some fucking killer lines. My heart broke for them. Some of my favorite lines-

Image result for seeking a friend for the end of the world quotesPenny: I wish I’d met you a long time ago. When we were kids.

Dodge: It couldn’t have happened any other way. It had to happen now.

Penny: But it isn’t enough time.

Dodge: It never would have been.

Penny: I’m scared.

Dodge: I… am madly in love with you, Penny. You’re my favorite, favorite thing.

Penny: I thought that somehow we’d save each other.

Dodge: We did. Penny. I’m really glad I got to know you.

You Bet Your Ass I Want It

I had excellent, excellent, excellent news today!!!!

My ex-boss, Latta, has been one of the people I’ve been discussing my job change with the longest. He knows exactly what’s been going on with all the stress I’ve been under and all the girl politics taking place. He was the first person I told when I confided in him that was I was jumping ship, looking for a job elsewhere. Originally, he would joke and say I should come work for him but it was just an associate position, $10/hr. I told him I was going to try and make this other job work first (the one I don’t want).

But then today, I received a phone call, and Latta is desperate. He wants to get rid of the sap that never shows up at his job now and give me his supervisory role, a $12/hr role and I am like SIGN ME UP IMMEDIATELY. lol

Everyone will be pissed over at the Renaissance. I told them I wasn’t going to the Residence, and I wasn’t, until Latta started offering me more money. Now they’re all going to say I was a liar, but whatever. Hourly pay is like a dream come true in the hotel industry. I am feeling slightly conflicted on one front, though.

There’s a great college aged kid named Matt at the Renaissance. Latta has offered this job to Matt in the past, and Matt wasn’t willing to leave the Renaissance at the time. He came to me in confidence to ask me if he should take this job, and I told him no because the property wouldn’t suit him and we needed him over the Renaissance so I was slightly self serving when I told that to him. Ultimately, we ended up creating a higher paying position in order to get him to stay at our hotel, the Renaissance.

That was before they cut one of my PM workers for a stupid reason (she didn’t have her social security card on file and couldn’t get it within the allotted time period) and then another associate had to go on medical leave and they stole ANOTHER pm worker from me for an unknown period of time.

That left no one to work the PM shift but those shitty managers with me. Ivy has known for quite some time that I have a problem with the biggest problem maker, Jackie up at work. For one week, I had been scheduled with mostly PM shifts with Veronica and while I wasn’t thrilled, it was okay.

But then one week I came in to look at the schedule, and I see that out of our 6 day work week (which is enough to bitch about already), Ivy had scheduled me to work with the asshole Jackie for 5 out of those 6 days!!! I lost my shit. I went in the next day, got my days of working with her reduced to 3, and then gave them my two week notice. I refused to work only with those girls and cannot understand for the life of me how they make the AM hourly staff deal with these girls, they are HORRIBLE to work with. Lazy bitches that do not like to do the job they are paid for.

Well anyway, these bitches have left Matt largely alone because he’s fortunate enough to have balls. They don’t envy him as much as me, or something. Whatever the case is, he’s able to handle the stress better ultimately because I am the one that left. But now, when Latta gave me the call tonight to offer me the position, he said that he had also asked Matt again about taking the position and that Matt said he wasn’t sure.

Meanwhile, Lacy is definitely sure and willing to start as soon as possible. I just feel a little weird for taking an opportunity away from Matt, since I consider him a friend of mine. I hope he will not resent me taking the position. I hope he doesn’t change his mind at the last minute and Latta fucks me over by giving it to him instead. I think Latta would prefer for me to work it, but I guess only time will tell. I’m supposed to learn more tomorrow, like when I can come in and do an interview and all that good stuff. Latta said he wants to offer it to me, but he has to talk to his boss Kristin first and I feel really good about it since she was the one to originally hire me over at the Renaissance.

Ultimately, things are looking up and I am SUPER FUCKING EXCITED. Money, money, money!!! 😀 😀 😀 $$$$$

Listen to this song, it is so mellow I just want to masturbate to it:

Is not a kiss the very autograph of love?  ~Henry Finck

A kiss, when all is said, what is it?
A rosy dot placed on the “i” in loving;
‘Tis a secret told to the mouth instead of to the ear.
~Edmond Rostand

“May I print a kiss on your lips?” I said,
And she nodded her full permission:
So we went to press and I rather guess
We printed a full edition.
~Joseph Lilientha


Your words to me are sweet, but the kiss I stole from your lips is sweeter.

wordsoverpixels:  I love you.



Kisses kept are wasted;
Love is to be tasted.
There are some you love, I know;
Be not loathe to tell them so.
Lips go dry and eyes grow wet
Waiting to be warmly met.
Keep them not in waiting yet;
Kisses kept are wasted.
~Edmund Vance Cooke

A kiss is just a kiss till you find the one you love. A hug is just a hug till you find the one you’re always thinkin’ of. A dream is just a dream till it comes true. Love was just a word till I heard it from you.


Kiss me and you will see stars. Love me and I’ll give them to you.

Every breath that leaves my lips breathes a dream of your tender kiss.

 

 

But I love your feet
only because they walked
upon the earth and upon
the wind and upon the waters,
until they found me.
~Pablo Neruda

Not that I have a thing for feet…

Oh, and your token lesbian and gay pics of the week!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pfp1yXUqecs
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Oh, AND DON’T FORGET: