Progress Not Perfection


I’m so full of love I could barely eat

There’s nothing sweeter than my baby

I’d never want once from the cherry tree

‘Cause my baby’s sweet as can be

She give me toothaches just from kissin’ me

When my time comes around

Lay me gently in the cold dark earth

No grave can hold my body down

I’ll crawl home to her


My baby never fret none

About what my hands and my body done

If the lord don’t forgive me

I’d still have my baby and my babe would have me

When I was kissing on my baby

And she put her love down soft and sweet

In the lowland plot I was free

Heaven and hell were words to me

When my time comes around

Lay me gently in the cold dark earth

No grave can hold my body down

I saw a commercial today for Gatorade. Michael Jordan asked, “Do you want to know what the key to victory is? Defeat.”

There is something to be said in rising every time you fail. I was/am trying to quit smoking and I am making slip ups. If my goal was to give up smoking cold turkey, then I have failed my mission.

I feel so much happier when I smoke. I ask myself, “Why am I denying myself this? It feels so good.” It feels so good to not care. But god dammit, not caring is a slippery slope. I feel care-free right now and relieved from smoking some dirty resin. But how quickly care-free turns into a bottomless pit of despair that you’re sitting at the bottom of, smoking to forget where you are.

It’s terrible living in such despair. I have to stay away from it. I did a bad job lately when it comes to my self-reflection. For the past week and a half I have been neglecting to journal in my One Day at a Time journal and it’s fucked me up missing those days.

I have been participating in Al-Anon privately. Unfortunately, I’ve only ever went to one actual meeting and that was years ago for someone else’s problem. I realize I need to go to the meetings, I just haven’t made it a priority since I am trying to be dedicated more so to the literature. I’m on Step 4 right now which is to make a “fearless and searching moral inventory of yourself.”

That is a hard enough step without moving onto the next one. Step 5, “Become willing to admit these faults to another human being.” I made an appointment with a therapist. I could go to free meetings, but I’m too intimidated to go into a room of other people. I feel like I have to start small and admit my secrets to one person. Maybe she’ll be able to help me, but I can’t be sure. Then perhaps I can move onto the group meetings, I just feel not equal to it currently.

It’s hard to care about myself when I’ve spent so much time perfecting not caring. One nice thing about quitting smoking is that my dreams are coming back. I’ve been getting better sleep and feeling more rested. I’m not late to work because I’m smoking. I’ve been showing up to work earlier.

I have had to take more anxiety pills. It’s been 10 days since I’ve smoked actual weed. I have refrained from buying more. Technically, all I am doing is getting rid of the last of my stash. I just have a little resin left. I know I should throw it away. I have considered asking my husband to hide it for emergencies. I can’t bring myself to let him hide it, or throw it away.

Even if I’ve smoked resin a few times since Day 1, my habits are drastically improved. In my past life, I came home at 11:30pm and sat down in front of the computer and I smoked until sun up. Then I would wake and bake before work the next day. About 7 hours of the day is what I was averaging sober before. I am making progress, even if I’ve fucked up and indulged some. I just have to have a stricter resolve.

I have to remember that my discomfort is TEMPORARY. IT WILL PASS.

Steve Carell is known as a funny guy, but he has some excellent romantic roles in him as well. My hubby and I just watched;

Related image

He had some fucking killer lines. My heart broke for them. Some of my favorite lines-

Image result for seeking a friend for the end of the world quotesPenny: I wish I’d met you a long time ago. When we were kids.

Dodge: It couldn’t have happened any other way. It had to happen now.

Penny: But it isn’t enough time.

Dodge: It never would have been.

Penny: I’m scared.

Dodge: I… am madly in love with you, Penny. You’re my favorite, favorite thing.

Penny: I thought that somehow we’d save each other.

Dodge: We did. Penny. I’m really glad I got to know you.


Mood of the Week: Hopeful (or trying to be)

Things have been rather hard for me lately. I have a bad mind set about practically everything, and I am once again having to practice mindfulness to pick myself up out of my slump.

I discovered in my teen years that I get bouts of depression like this, where I feel everything is black and hopeless and I’m consumed by all my worries, and I just have to take an objective step back and chill. Stop fucking killing yourself, there’s enough mother fuckers out there that would be happy enough to do the job if you let them.So don’t let them, and certainly don’t be your own worst enemy. You have to be on your own side. If you don’t believe in yourself, who else will? You’re the only one who will never leave you. Love yourself, you deserve to like the person you are. You have to live with who you are.

Are you Joy, Love, or Peace?

You Are Love
Your happiness is giving, warm, and compassionate. You get satisfaction from personal relationships and connections. You’re the type of person who loves to be in love, and that doesn’t have to necessarily mean romantic love.

You value deep friendships and knowing someone well. You consider your friends to be your family. You take a leap and put people first in your life. It’s not about how much you get but how much you give.

 I mention all this also because I was talking to my boss and friend Latta the other day when we were alone. I mentioned how much my parents are stressing me out, particularly my father who is still incarcerated at the moment. He asks me for money, and Latta looked scandalized when I told him. My mom expects me to come through for him, and I sit here feeling my depression worsen, considering the two. They are a heavy burden on me.
I would be better off if I just stopped talking to them both. They break my heart. The wring my mind with worry and anxiety, and I fear my mother is going to stress me into diabetes somehow. My Granny thought family was so important, but could she withstand what I am having to deal with so coolly? I think not!
I get mad, I can’t around my mother because I have to keep my hurtful feelings to myself. I don’t go around her because it is on the tip of my tongue to upbraid her, or otherwise I know in my gut that if I get alone with her and talk real, it will end in screaming and crying and injured feelings. She will hate me for telling her the truth about how I’ve lost my respect for her and I don’t trust her,that I miss her but feel like I can’t be around her anymore. It chokes me up to even think about it, which is why I’ve been avoiding writing this post for so long.
I want my mother to go to rehab, or South Dakota where she doesn’t know anybody up with my Grandpa where he can get her a job. Keep her out of trouble, if that is even a possibility— and that’s what I fear, that she won’t give up and would rather have me gone from her life. That’s what I feel like she is picking- her horrible, desolate life full of drugs and lonely nights over me. It’s horrible to give up on someone and leave them to their own fate, but that is what my common sense is telling me to do.
Forget her, she is dragging you down.
Out of sight, out of mind.
Please don’t call me either.
I am done with you.

You Bet Your Ass I Want It

I had excellent, excellent, excellent news today!!!!

My ex-boss, Latta, has been one of the people I’ve been discussing my job change with the longest. He knows exactly what’s been going on with all the stress I’ve been under and all the girl politics taking place. He was the first person I told when I confided in him that was I was jumping ship, looking for a job elsewhere. Originally, he would joke and say I should come work for him but it was just an associate position, $10/hr. I told him I was going to try and make this other job work first (the one I don’t want).

But then today, I received a phone call, and Latta is desperate. He wants to get rid of the sap that never shows up at his job now and give me his supervisory role, a $12/hr role and I am like SIGN ME UP IMMEDIATELY. lol

Everyone will be pissed over at the Renaissance. I told them I wasn’t going to the Residence, and I wasn’t, until Latta started offering me more money. Now they’re all going to say I was a liar, but whatever. Hourly pay is like a dream come true in the hotel industry. I am feeling slightly conflicted on one front, though.

There’s a great college aged kid named Matt at the Renaissance. Latta has offered this job to Matt in the past, and Matt wasn’t willing to leave the Renaissance at the time. He came to me in confidence to ask me if he should take this job, and I told him no because the property wouldn’t suit him and we needed him over the Renaissance so I was slightly self serving when I told that to him. Ultimately, we ended up creating a higher paying position in order to get him to stay at our hotel, the Renaissance.

That was before they cut one of my PM workers for a stupid reason (she didn’t have her social security card on file and couldn’t get it within the allotted time period) and then another associate had to go on medical leave and they stole ANOTHER pm worker from me for an unknown period of time.

That left no one to work the PM shift but those shitty managers with me. Ivy has known for quite some time that I have a problem with the biggest problem maker, Jackie up at work. For one week, I had been scheduled with mostly PM shifts with Veronica and while I wasn’t thrilled, it was okay.

But then one week I came in to look at the schedule, and I see that out of our 6 day work week (which is enough to bitch about already), Ivy had scheduled me to work with the asshole Jackie for 5 out of those 6 days!!! I lost my shit. I went in the next day, got my days of working with her reduced to 3, and then gave them my two week notice. I refused to work only with those girls and cannot understand for the life of me how they make the AM hourly staff deal with these girls, they are HORRIBLE to work with. Lazy bitches that do not like to do the job they are paid for.

Well anyway, these bitches have left Matt largely alone because he’s fortunate enough to have balls. They don’t envy him as much as me, or something. Whatever the case is, he’s able to handle the stress better ultimately because I am the one that left. But now, when Latta gave me the call tonight to offer me the position, he said that he had also asked Matt again about taking the position and that Matt said he wasn’t sure.

Meanwhile, Lacy is definitely sure and willing to start as soon as possible. I just feel a little weird for taking an opportunity away from Matt, since I consider him a friend of mine. I hope he will not resent me taking the position. I hope he doesn’t change his mind at the last minute and Latta fucks me over by giving it to him instead. I think Latta would prefer for me to work it, but I guess only time will tell. I’m supposed to learn more tomorrow, like when I can come in and do an interview and all that good stuff. Latta said he wants to offer it to me, but he has to talk to his boss Kristin first and I feel really good about it since she was the one to originally hire me over at the Renaissance.

Ultimately, things are looking up and I am SUPER FUCKING EXCITED. Money, money, money!!! 😀 😀 😀 $$$$$

Listen to this song, it is so mellow I just want to masturbate to it:

Is not a kiss the very autograph of love?  ~Henry Finck

A kiss, when all is said, what is it?
A rosy dot placed on the “i” in loving;
‘Tis a secret told to the mouth instead of to the ear.
~Edmond Rostand

“May I print a kiss on your lips?” I said,
And she nodded her full permission:
So we went to press and I rather guess
We printed a full edition.
~Joseph Lilientha

Your words to me are sweet, but the kiss I stole from your lips is sweeter.

wordsoverpixels:  I love you.

Kisses kept are wasted;
Love is to be tasted.
There are some you love, I know;
Be not loathe to tell them so.
Lips go dry and eyes grow wet
Waiting to be warmly met.
Keep them not in waiting yet;
Kisses kept are wasted.
~Edmund Vance Cooke

A kiss is just a kiss till you find the one you love. A hug is just a hug till you find the one you’re always thinkin’ of. A dream is just a dream till it comes true. Love was just a word till I heard it from you.

Kiss me and you will see stars. Love me and I’ll give them to you.

Every breath that leaves my lips breathes a dream of your tender kiss.



But I love your feet
only because they walked
upon the earth and upon
the wind and upon the waters,
until they found me.
~Pablo Neruda

Not that I have a thing for feet…

Oh, and your token lesbian and gay pics of the week!