*Trigger warning for suicidal thoughts* Continue reading
Jake and I had a big fight last night. He decided to be an utter asshole when I invited my cousin and mother over to the house in the middle of the night. It was about midnight, and Jake and I are up all night anyways. Jake immediately got hot under the collar when I told him they were coming, reminding me how little sleep he got before going into work that day. OK, so??? Like you weren’t going to be up all night with me anyhow. I know for a fact we were up until at 3 in the morning that night, if not later!
I had been trying to compromise from the get go. First my cousin asked if I would meet him at my mother’s house, and I told him no and invited him over so that me nor Jake would have to leave the house. I thought that would be better than me leaving him at the house, or worse, trying to convince him to go to mom’s.
As predicted, he was really irritated about them coming to the house. And when I ventured to him that perhaps we might go over to mom’s house for just a short while, that pissed him off more. He didn’t want to leave the house, and he got super pissed at me I guess from the lack of sleep but really because he can be an A-Class asshole sometimes.
Long story short, about 10-15 minutes after I made the plans with my cousin, I had to suppress my tears from our fight long enough to appear calm and call my family. I made a lame excuse that Jake had just reminded me we were supposed to go to the gym to save face for him, and that was that. Jake still proceeded to look at me like I was crazy, and he continued the fight for another 2 hours or so reminding me constantly that I’m selfish and I don’t care about him and maybe I should just leave if I want to party all night. Yeah, spending some time with two other people in my family is REEEEAAAALLY PARTYING IT UP MY FRIEND >_<
He made me so mad and made me feel like dog shit on his shoe. He ground me into the ground, stepping on me over and over again, telling me how I make stupid decisions and I make him feel sluggish and unmotivated. Like I’m the worst person in the world and I’m the one that’s doing him so wrong, like I’m not the only one in his corner urging him on. I am his only friend, I put up with him day and night and I’m willing to do so because I love him. But he sure did make me feel bad last night.
The feeling continued into today. He seemed kind of cool towards me and it made me worry that what he said in heat was what he really meant. He said he didn’t want to be with me if I was going to keep him from his goals, his primary being to pass the national certification test. ONE NIGHT, I got irritated that he was playing a tutorial on youtube and netflix on another tv. The conflicting noises annoyed me, and I told him to turn his tutorial down. Ever since then, he says he’s not allowed to study around me and that I’m holding him back by not going to the gym with him more often or letting him study. I’m okay with both of those, I argued with him that just because ONE NIGHT I’m annoyed, that doesn’t mean the rest of his days he isn’t allowed to study, FUCK!!! He annoys me tremendously and has been sliding back into a suspicious mindset.
He gets upset whenever I am late from work. SORR-EEEEE I WORK FOR A GODDAMN LIVING. Occasionally, instead of leaving at 11:00pm as I am scheduled, I end up leaving a little late finishing up this or that at work. I used to be sneaky and claim to be late when I was really planning an outing, but NEWSFLASH: I don’t have illicit outings anymore. I have not been doing any shady dealing for a very long time. I gave that stuff up when I decided I wanted to marry him, BEFORE that even. I just don’t get how he can still judge me by my past so harshly when I forgive every other slight that he wounds me.
It’s definitely not fair, but then, who said life was fair? He’s been disconcerted lately because we’ve barely had any days off together in the past 2 months or so. I haven’t made it a priority to get those days off together and now I see that is a mistake. I will have to be more adamant in the future that I at least get one day off with Jake to ease his anxiety. I think he really just misses me, so I shouldn’t be so paranoid about the mean things he says when he’s mad. Maybe he didn’t mean it.
Horror of horrors if he did.
|What kind of t-shirt are you?|
You Are a Basic T-shirt
You are a very humble, low maintenance person. You find contentment easily. You are easy-going and very social. You like being around other people more than anything else.
Some may accuse you of being lazy, but you just don’t work any harder than you need to.
You are happiest when things are kept casual. You think formality is a lot of unnecessary fuss.
It was a smashing experience!! Great fun, watered down drinks so I didn’t get drunk or anything. Being surrounded by and involved in so much art felt very therapeutic and fun to me. The girls suggested we start going every month, and wouldn’t that be great?
~*~ Gettin’ My Drink On ~*~
It all would have been a really great night out if I didn’t have sour face Jake there to pick me up at the end of the night. I tell you I can’t win with that man. I do duplicitous things behind his back and he finds out and gets mad. I decide to own up and be honest before I am going to do something he’ll dislike, and he still gets royally pissed. He was mad that night and didn’t speak to me for like 3 hours, stewing in his anger. He was upset because he believes in a pact where I won’t drink if he’s not around. He’s worried I’ll get drunk and lose my inhibitions. Damn fool, doesn’t he realize with this ring on my finger he will not be getting rid of me quite so easily?!?!?!
Jake and I had an excellent time our last two days off. I greatly enjoy being with him, and I want him to be mine forever. I’m ready to be married, even if I’m scared or have second thoughts myself sometimes. But I know I want it; I don’t want to worry about being alone, being rejected, told to leave for good. He can’t tell me to leave if I tether myself to him and he agrees to it, I will hold him to his promise to love, protect, and provide for me.
I want him to be my person. I can rely on Jake. I trust Jake with my life. I would do whatever Jake said in a crisis situation. I would follow Jake anywhere. Jake and I started watching THE WALKING DEAD and we absolutely love it. I’m only on season 2, but that show is seriously GREAT! It’s nail biting the entire time, and some of the difficult decisions they make have me leaping from my seat, either cheering or crying out for them.
All these scenes of the women having to send their men off on some mission or rather- Dear God in Heaven, Jake and I entertain the aspect that some kind of apocalyptic situation could occur and in all these imaginations, Jake is my by my side no matter what. There is no way in hell I would ever let him go somewhere I couldn’t follow. I would never be separated from him, he is my other half and we will love and take care of each other always and forever.
If he’ll only have me. Sometimes, he doesn’t seem as interested or committed as I am. He’s been acting skittish lately, and it makes me feel very disappointed and heart broken. I feel so sure, and he acts like I can’t be trusted and that I am not a good woman. It hurts my heart, I love him with all of me, despite what it does to other people in my life and at my own expense. I love him, and he can’t even see that.
Postsecret of the week:
Being with Jake always has been and always will be full of trials and tribulations. Jake is a complicated guy. Jacob has suffered a nontraditional upbringing and had to basically raise himself, when he wasn’t floating here or there in the foster system. His father was hooked on drugs all his life. His father was also blind and never worked. Jake and his siblings often times went without while their father used all their money for drugs. They lived in shitty motels, getting kicked out constantly, or their lives constantly put in danger because of their father’s shady friends. He was in and out of jail constantly, and Jake stayed with different family members all over and the foster care system as well.
His sister once commented to me that coming from what they do, it’s difficult for them to trust and be with someone, and I completely understand what she was saying. Jake isn’t perfect, but I love him. He’s so not perfect that the other night last week, I came home from work ONE HOUR LATE and for about two and a half days after, he treated me like shit saying I’m an untrustworthy hoe, or at least he might as well have said it. He kept reminding me of my previous transgressions against him, saying, “Why would I want to marry someone I know can do something like that?” UGH. I NEVER CHEATED, CHILLAX BRO. *rolls eyes* We’ve actually been getting along super well for like 3-4 months now, so I don’t know what the fuck crawled up his ass all of a sudden.
He reminds me of my mother, actually, because he’s very hard to please. But I have chosen Jake so far in life because he is always trying to shape me into something better, more focused, more mature. He is always encouraging me to be the best that I can be, rather than lazy or immature or irresponsible. He makes us make responsible, good decisions even when I drag my feet or don’t see the wisdom immediately.
Right now Jake is desperate to get me to buy a house I don’t really want. I thought it was too small, and I hate the fact that it is in Moore off the high way. I feel like we are asking for it, but Jake has promised me he will get us a storm shelter right away. I made him promise I have to have it within 6 months of moving in. It’s my compromise for living in Moore, which I absolutely do not want to do. Jake always gets impatient with my concerns, saying that he wants to live somewhere it’s safe to walk down the street. He’s not concerned about tornadoes, but I sure the fuck am!!!
It makes me feel trivialized how he bats my concerns to the side. He gets downright impatient and mean when I bring them up. He’s like, “It’s Oklahoma, there’s risk of tornado anywhere you move!!” and I want to yell at him: “OK, sure, but why the fuck do we have to move to the place on the map that they almost ALWAYS go WITHOUT FAIL????” *cries in frustration* I DON’T WANT TO LIVE IN MOORE, I WISH JAKE WOULD LISTEN TO ME.
p.s. update on the job front
lol I had no reason to trip over Veronica. She never even showed for her interview. I was like MENTAL HIGH FIVE when my boss told me 😀 😀 😀
It’s been a week since my last transgression. Jake has had plenty to say about it. He gets upset because I lied. The drinking is bad, but the lying is worse. It effects the fact if he can trust me or not, and it’s hard to explain to someone why you felt the need to lie. I can understand how it must suck, “No listen, I lied about that, but I would never lie about that.” It doesn’t help anything, now they know not to trust you at all. I have to beg the sincerity of my love, and show him how I love him and only him. I never meant to make him suspect me, every time I went out it was strictly platonic, or with a group. He is just disappointed that I want to spend time with other people outside of him. For him, he’s content to have a house to pay bills on, a yard to mow, and a lady to lay with at night. Jake considers friends superfluous and disdains me for wishing to have some friends. Just more people you can’t trust, in his eyes. But I yearn for connections, friends. People to see, people who like you and want to spend time doing cool things together.
The problem with me and Jake is that he is older than me. My coworker and I were talking about it, and she was advising me to bite the bullet and decide. Either I can have a life with friends and people and festivities in it, or I can have a life with Jake. I have to be devoted to him in his specific way, or I am better off letting him alone. If Jake cannot accept the lifestyle I am interested in, we should not be together. I should leave him to pursue a life with connections in it. That makes sense, right?
Wrong. I would be giving up a very important connecting to trade for a couple, smaller and less meaningful connections. What sense does that make?? Jake is my mate, Jake wants me and only me. Jake is devoted to me, would kill for me. Jake buys the things I want and humors me, he does things that I enjoy and watches the shows I ask him to. Jake cares about me to a level of distraction that is unhealthy, an obsession. But as I’ve said before, I enjoy being so important to another person. I live my life for Jake because he is my life. He is my companion, the man that I chose. When I picked him, it was because he was so obviously good and strong. You cannot discard a person just because you find out they’re not perfect, so Jake has unacceptable character traits sometimes. It can’t be helped, he grew up in a bad environment and I make excuses for him so I’ll have someone to be with me through the night.
Things have been better than I expected. That is why I chose this picture to post, because with out sex life back on again, that is helping to smooth the blow of last week. He is happier when we’re having sex and a health problem coupled with some intense depression was keeping me out of commission for about a month and a half of so. Now we’re back in the game, and we’re both feeling more satisfied and less prone to fight. If I can just make sure I milk the beast, he’s sweet to me. Living with Jake sometimes is like being the girl in the cage of the giant that lived up the beanstalk. Sometimes it’s a cage, other times it’s a plush living space that you know in the back of your head you’re not allowed to leave. It’s not that I’m a prisoner, it’s that… I’m a person that’s not natural to me. I am being forced to be someone I’m not in order to stay here. He urges me to become more mature and adult and leave my stupid, drunken desires behind and I feel agitated because I can’t be the perfect person he’s expecting. I don’t clean, tidy things. I’m not a sex addict that services you every time you come in the door. I’m not someone who can deal with their problems without drugs and alcohol, and that’s what he is asking of me. He is asking me to be a human without these crutches and I find that an impossible task. I become resentful towards him for asking me for that. He is asking me to be a better version of myself, and I stand there naked before him and am pleading with tears in my eyes, “What’s so wrong with me now? Why can’t you love me even though I’m fucked up?”
Maybe our relationship is doomed, but my feelings for this man are so intense. I’m truly invested in and committed to this relationship. We fight sometimes but my mind tells me I can never leave. I can’t leave. I don’t want to leave. It’s not perfect, I’m not always satisfied, but my feelings for this man are so strong. I have complete and utter faith and trust in him and I have placed my fate in his strong hands, made myself follow his rules even when they make me uncomfortable and friendless. I have to decide if I want all of them, or just him. I cry at night because I will miss them so much, I do want to have friends and people to talk to, but I can’t miss Jacob. I don’t want to miss Jacob. I don’t want anyone else to have him. I don’t want him to be alone, and what’s more is I don’t want to be alone.
I hate the idea of being alone. I have not been consistently single since 2010, and I remember hating it and always looking for someone. I don’t like to be alone, and dating is not something I am interested in. I have already found a good, strong man with high moral fiber and he will teach any children we have the right way to live. I am not interested in getting back out there to find someone who wants a life more like the one I am seeking. I guess I just don’t think he’s out there. Or I don’t want to give myself a chance to meet him. I don’t want to be uncomfortable until I find him, so I’d rather not be out there looking at all. I’d rather settle for something that doesn’t make me happy, than to be alone and unhappy all the time. At least with Jake I’m protected and someone absolutely can’t live without me and I never have to worry about being all by myself. I can’t be by myself, I do not want that more than anything.