Goodbye (?)


I was watching this video today and the comments on youtube were kind of thoughtful in some ways. One woman commented how she was 7 months out of a 6 yr abusive relationship and her sister told her it was her theme song. Another person commented that they felt that way about their depression for the song.

It occurred to me when I was watching the video the symbolism that I saw. The video is about transformations. The black fruit in the beginning- drugs. Eating something bad for you. Indulgent behavior. The pins in Christian’s back are what the girls are holding and using to walk with- crutches. Vices.

She was trapped in a box with blackness. Mindlessness. Darkness. Blindness. Refusing to see. She busts out of the box!!! She staggers away, the black billowing around her. The pins stick out of her back, and the more she staggers on, she’s able to pull the pins from her back and throw them away from herself.

I have felt this way about my relationship with weed. It is a relationship. I have been an everyday user for the past NINE (9) YEARS. It is officially the longest relationship that I have ever had. Boyfriends have come and gone, and still yet weed has remained.

I started smoking when I was 18 years old. I was in college and dating my first boyfriend. He had been smoking and hiding it from me and I was not happy about weed being in his life. I thought it made him stupid. I thought only bad people did drugs. I tried to make him stop smoking, and he would not give it up for me. I tried to issue an ultimatum and he would not have it. I didn’t want to break up with him, even though he was doing something I looked down.

I decided I had to give it a try to see why it was so important to him. He wasn’t willing to give it up for me, so I reasoned it must be…. cool. Good in some way. It was certainly important since he wouldn’t give it up for me. I tried it and everything was funny. We started doing it together until it became pretty much the focal point of our relationship.

We would sit out back in his dad’s garage and smoke. It was our main activity eventually. He was the one who started it for me, and I knew when I started that I started for the wrong reason. I felt pressured to do it. I had backed myself into a corner- give it up for me OR….. and I wasn’t willing to leave my boyfriend for not giving it up. I reasoned if it was a part of his life, I didn’t want to be excluded from that part of his life. I felt like I had to do it, try it.

It wasn’t hard for me to start enjoying it rather than resenting it. I came to love and enjoy it. And even when my first boyfriend broke up with me, I still wanted to do it and kept up the usage. I smoked with my next boyfriend after that, too. I don’t necessarily remember it being everyday in that relationship….

Things changed with my relationship with weed when I got with my first older boyfriend. He was an alcoholic. We both liked to smoke. It was then that my relationship with weed became something different. It wasn’t a fun thing to do anymore, it was a necessity. He and I spent our evenings figuring out ways to get high. It wasn’t optional anymore- I took to his addictive behavior like a fish to water. Suddenly, I needed the weed. I didn’t just enjoy it, I was willing to do a lot of things to get it and smoke it.

We would go to his brother’s house and beg him for balls of resin if we couldn’t afford weed. Anything to get that THC. We used to carefully transport it back to his house and he devised clever ways to smoke it and make it last. We’d put just a tiny speck of it on the head of a needle embedded in a piece of cardboard and light it, putting it under a glass and inhaling as much as we could from the trace amounts that we had. I didn’t just want need, I needed it.

I used to criticize him for his drinking problem, and he in turn told me, “You smoke weed like I drink.” I wasn’t willing to admit that I had a problem, that I had an addictive personality as well. I was addicted. I needed it. I threw away all my old friends during this period of my life. I gave up my old friends for drugs and alcohol. I told myself they were boring and lame, liking board games and never wanting to get drunk. I wanted a fun life, high life, drunken stories. My friends were not going down the same path as me, so I left them behind.

I didn’t just want to get drunk or high, I wanted to forget myself. I smoked and drank to excess. I didn’t just drink for a little buzz, I wanted to be black out drunk and not remember anything the next day. I thought I was having fun, but I was running away from my problems.

My granny had passed away and my mother’s depression was deep. I couldn’t face the depth of my mother’s depression. I used to sit in my room and listen to her shuffling cards in the living room and her loneliness was suffocating to me. She needed me in some way I couldn’t provide. My mom needed someone to take care of her, and I resented it and ran away. She was supposed to be taking care of me, but instead at every turn she tried to put me down or make me feel bad about myself. We had a bad relationship that was toxic to me.

Partly why I tossed my hat in with Joshua so much is because I was needing a mother really bad. He lived with his mother, and she was spiritual and nice to me. She only saw good things in me where my mother never wasted an opportunity to try and make me feel stupid or inadequate in some way.

When I met Jake, I still had a bad relationship with my mother. I was mostly living in my car and off the kindness of my exes. I hated going home. I hated being around my mother. Her loneliness killed me, I had to get away. I couldn’t make her better, she only ever got worse. I didn’t like to go home so I would spend nights using wifi in Mcdonald’s parking lots or I would stay the night with Hakim or Joshua, bouncing back and forth between the two. There were nights that were question marks to me, not knowing where I could go but home. I didn’t want to be there.

When I got with Jake, there was FINALLY someone to take care of me. There was finally someone who wanted to possess me and keep me and do right by me. He bought me clothes and he took me away from my mother. He welcomed me into his life and his home and he let me bring my weed with me even though he no longer smoked himself.

Through all those years, I kept on smoking weed. I’ve tried to quit smoking weed in the past and I never felt the way that I do right now. The first time I tried to quit cold turkey and I was a basket case, extremely emotional. I couldn’t quit. My compulsion was too strong. I needed it. I went back on it after only 5 days.

The next time I tried to quit, I actually went over a week without it. I went 12 days. That time I threw away my pipes. I don’t remember why I started back when I did. This time, I believe I have actually hit the 12 day mark and I feel differently about it.

I’m not necessarily quitting cold turkey, I have went like a few days at a time and then had a smoke of resin that I have still laying around. The problem before is I would have that compulsion to smoke and I had to go out and buy a bag of weed, and that was history. Having a bag of weed meant I needed to smoke it all. I couldn’t control myself. I couldn’t sit down and just have a little, or only every once in awhile. If I had weed, the goal was to smoke it all consecutively until it was gone and get more.

My one year wedding anniversary is next month. I got married when I was 26 and part of the reason why is because I recognized I wasn’t getting any younger. I wasn’t 23 anymore, if I waited around I might end up old and alone. I looked at Jacob and I told myself, you know by now if this is going to work out. If you don’t want to marry him, then you need to leave him. I couldn’t bear the thought of leaving him, so I married him.

This time around smoking feels different because my motivation has been more adult that I could ever have imagined. I’m 27 now and when am I going to have children? When am I going to grow up? I can’t smoke weed forever.

I have had urges to smoke, have romanticized my relationship with weed. I thought I was missing the joy in my life by not smoking. I wasn’t happy not smoking and I thought about how good I feel and how much more I smile when I’m smoking, but I’m not really living. Smoking is the same thing as when I used to want to get drunk all the time. I thought I was having a good time, but I wasn’t— I was trying to forget myself.

You can’t forget yourself, though. Like I said, my motivation for quitting is entirely different this time. I looked at my life and I realized I was not happy. All my friends are fictional and I never see my family. I spent all my nights watching TV and all my days off sitting at home smoking weed. Weed is keeping me from being the person that I need to become.

I decided to go back to school this fall. I quit college almost 4 years ago, and with the decision to go back I started thinking more about my future. Jake says I am not healthy enough to have natural children. I weigh too much. I smoke too much. I’m not responsible enough. Weed has done a lot of things for me over the years, but now I am realizing what I always knew.

Weed keeps me from;

  • cleaning house
  • having meaningful relationships with my family
  • making friends/strengthening friendships
  • working out
  • caring about myself
  • attending to my husband’s needs/a better marriage
  • making more money

I’m sorry weed but I can’t keep doing this. I want all the things I just listed. I don’t want to surrender to mindlessness anymore. I don’t want to not care about myself. I want lungs that are healthy and I want to get healthier, eat better, go to sleep earlier. I want more money in my pocket. I want to be better than I have in the past. I want to do something that my future self will thank me for. Weed, you are keeping me from realizing my full potential. You are holding me back. And when someone holds you back, you either let them go and move on, or you resign yourself to your fate.

I don’t have to resign myself to this fate. I want more for my life. I want to like myself. I want to have friends. I want to have a better marriage and more money. I have to leave you. I can’t be with you anymore. We had a lot of good time together, and there’s nothing wrong with you in small amounts, but this life where you are the only thing that matters is not working anymore. I don’t want you 16 hours of the day anymore. I don’t want you to be my everything. I want a life.

Life as a Newlywed

Advice from a Newlywed:

Congratulations on your wedding!

Now that the honeymoon is over, what do you have to say about life as a newlywed?

“Go buy a bunch of lube. You are most certainly going to need it. If you thought you had conditioned your partner to maybe 2-3 times a week making love, you’re going to be VERY surprised. Suddenly, you’re back at it like rabbits in the beginning of your relationship. I have been surprised by the fact that we’re back to it every night like clockwork. 

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Physical intimacy is good for your relationship. I know you might be exasperated by his enthusiasm sometimes, but learn to hold your tongue and cherish these moments. Maybe you’re not in the mood, but you respond to each other better when you’re more willing to compromise. You’ll find it’s worth picking your battles, lest you spend hours fighting or otherwise making each other miserable.

On another note, now that you are A Wife, you should try harder. Jacob has accepted me as the lazy person I am and loves me unconditionally and cleans up after me. But he shouldn’t always expect to do everything, like you have been making him do. You should put in more effort on his behalf. He will love you better for it.”

What is Your Love Language?

Words of Affirmation

Your Preferred Love Language
is Words of Affirmation

Actions don’t always speak louder than words. If this is your love language, unsolicited compliments mean the world to you. Hearing the words, “I love you,” are important – hearing the reasons behind that love sends your spirits skyward. Insults can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten. Kind, encouraging, and positive words are truly life-giving.

Marital Relations

Jake and I had a big fight last night. He decided to be an utter asshole when I invited my cousin and mother over to the house in the middle of the night. It was about midnight, and Jake and I are up all night anyways. Jake immediately got hot under the collar when I told him they were coming, reminding me how little sleep he got before going into work that day. OK, so??? Like you weren’t going to be up all night with me anyhow. I know for a fact we were up until at 3 in the morning that night, if not later!

I had been trying to compromise from the get go. First my cousin asked if I would meet him at my mother’s house, and I told him no and invited him over so that me nor Jake would have to leave the house. I thought that would be better than me leaving him at the house, or worse, trying to convince him to go to mom’s.

As predicted, he was really irritated about them coming to the house. And when I ventured to him that perhaps we might go over to mom’s house for just a short while, that pissed him off more. He didn’t want to leave the house, and he got super pissed at me I guess from the lack of sleep but really because he can be an A-Class asshole sometimes.

Long story short, about 10-15 minutes after I made the plans with my cousin, I had to suppress my tears from our fight long enough to appear calm and call my family. I made a lame excuse that Jake had just reminded me we were supposed to go to the gym to save face for him, and that was that. Jake still proceeded to look at me like I was crazy, and he continued the fight for another 2 hours or so reminding me constantly that I’m selfish and I don’t care about him and maybe I should just leave if I want to party all night. Yeah, spending some time with two other people in my family is REEEEAAAALLY PARTYING IT UP MY FRIEND >_<

He made me so mad and made me feel like dog shit on his shoe. He ground me into the ground, stepping on me over and over again, telling me how I make stupid decisions and I make him feel sluggish and unmotivated. Like I’m the worst person in the world and I’m the one that’s doing him so wrong, like I’m not the only one in his corner urging him on. I am his only friend, I put up with him day and night and I’m willing to do so because I love him. But he sure did make me feel bad last night.

The feeling continued into today. He seemed kind of cool towards me and it made me worry that what he said in heat was what he really meant. He said he didn’t want to be with me if I was going to keep him from his goals, his primary being to pass the national certification test. ONE NIGHT, I got irritated that he was playing a tutorial on youtube and netflix on another tv. The conflicting noises annoyed me, and I told him to turn his tutorial down. Ever since then, he says he’s not allowed to study around me and that I’m holding him back by not going to the gym with him more often or letting him study. I’m okay with both of those, I argued with him that just because ONE NIGHT I’m annoyed, that doesn’t mean the rest of his days he isn’t allowed to study, FUCK!!! He annoys me tremendously and has been sliding back into a suspicious mindset.

He gets upset whenever I am late from work. SORR-EEEEE I WORK FOR A GODDAMN LIVING. Occasionally, instead of leaving at 11:00pm as I am scheduled, I end up leaving a little late finishing up this or that at work. I used to be sneaky and claim to be late when I was really planning an outing, but NEWSFLASH: I don’t have illicit outings anymore. I have not been doing any shady dealing for a very long time. I gave that stuff up when I decided I wanted to marry him, BEFORE that even. I just don’t get how he can still judge me by my past so harshly when I forgive every other slight that he wounds me.

It’s definitely not fair, but then, who said life was fair? He’s been disconcerted lately because we’ve barely had any days off together in the past 2 months or so. I haven’t made it a priority to get those days off together and now I see that is a mistake. I will have to be more adamant in the future that I at least get one day off with Jake to ease his anxiety. I think he really just misses me, so I shouldn’t be so paranoid about the mean things he says when he’s mad. Maybe he didn’t mean it.

Horror of horrors if he did.

Breaking Up in the ZA

I can’t help but feel like Rosita is getting the short end of the stick here. She seems to have come to rely on and expect Abraham to be around. They’re in a relationship, they lived and slept together. And he was needlessly cruel when he broke up with her, in what I deem to be his haste to get to Sasha.

I’m not hating on Sasha. Personally, I think she deserves a love interest after all this time and the shit she worked out (i.e. her suicidal feelings after her brother died) I didn’t think of Abraham as a likely candidate, but I do see their similarities.

Michael Cudlitz talked to Entertainment Weekly about the love triangle. He had this to say about Abraham in the situation-

It’s the zombie apocalypse. What, now there’s rules? No, look, he sees a lot of himself in Sasha, things that he has respected his whole life — the strength that she has on her own. I think in a lot of ways he feels like he’s protected Rosita, and he’s brought her to this point through training her, and here is someone that he’s looking at, and he’s seeing an equal who will call him on his bull. So he’s attracted to that. So, you know, we’ll see what that really evolves into.

“I think when characters have hope and they know that there’s a future, they reassess, and I think he’s going through a major reassessment right now knowing that. [Abraham] has sort of said, “Okay, this is where we are, and I’m not going to live any lies.” I’m going to move forward, and I’m going to do what I have to do.”

Be that as it may, from a woman’s perspective, Abraham was a real A-class asshole. Imagine the scenario- you’re about to storm a complex the next day and risk your life to rid yourself of a threat, and your lover walks out on you!!! Of course Rosita would want to be with him, she certainly had feelings for him. She made him that little red memento necklace, and Abraham carelessly left it behind. I felt sad watching it lay on the ground, unretrieved. I feel bad for Rosita, although she is getting the mayor’s son’s ass out of all this for her rebound so just how bad should we feel for her? (He’s an improvement, imo.)

Abe was just so damn mean. She stops him at the door before he can leave, and he grips her arms and says, “When I first met you, I thought you were the last woman on Earth, but you’re not.” >__< What an ass!! As if breaking up in itself isn’t horrible enough, knowing it’s for someone else makes it ten times worse.

Strange but True vol. IV

I discovered something online today quite by accident. I was browsing through my tumblr feed and I stumbled upon a fetish sigh, a Daddy/Little site. When I visited the site and scrolled down the pages, my interest grew more and more. I started researching this dominant/submissive relationship style and these are just a few of the things I found-

(I did not write the following.)

What Does A Daddy Mean to Me?

What is a Daddy Dom?

A Daddy Dom wants to be the centre of your universe. He wants to be able to provide for your every need and care. But more than that he wants to be able to shape and mould you to the image he thinks you should become. He sees in you someone who can achieve a much higher, much greater status. He believes more in you than you believe in yourself. What he wants in return is to be able to bask in his image of you, the image he has created. To achieve these goals he relies on a combination of love, respect, and discipline.

His love for his little girl goes without saying. He loves her as much for who she is as for who she will become with his guidance. She is his prized possession. His eyes light up when she walks into the room and he takes great pride in her successes. After all, he helped to create her. She holds the most tender part of his heart and has the greatest power to hurt him.

This love would not be possible without respect. A Daddy Dom needs to feel pride in his little girl. He needs to know she can hold her own in the outside world and still submit to him. He holds the greatest respect for the gift she has given him and takes great pains to increase it’s value. It is extremely important to him to know she can be with any man and she chooses to be with him.

He knows that this makes discipline a priority in their lives, more important than in some other D/s relationships. In order for the little girl to really trust, she must know he means what he says. If his little girl is going to be the best she can possibly be he must stand firm. He uses his experience in life and his knowledge of her to provide proper direction and punishment when the need arises.

If he does not enforce discipline, this respect becomes a tenuous thing. If his submissive finds that she can manipulate him out of punishing her, she begins to lose respect and the ability to empower becomes impeded. He understands that it becomes increasingly difficult to be possessed by someone you do not respect.

This takes great strength on his part. It takes strength to control her, and to shape her to his needs and desires. It takes strength to be her confidant, her shoulder, her anchor. It takes strength to let her out into the world when all he wants to do is hold her safe in his arms. And it takes strength to do what is necessary when she needs to be disciplined.

A Daddy Dom provides something else that is very important to his submissive…acceptance. She is safe in his arms because he knows her, everything about her, and he still loves her. When she goes to him she knows that this man knows all of her dirty little secrets and it doesn’t matter. To him she is beautiful.

I think most Dominants have a bit of the Daddy in them, taking on the role of male authority figure in the submissive’s life and using their power to enrich that life. Daddy/little girl verbalizes that feeling, and adds a dimension of warmth, caring, and ritual that it’s participants crave.

A Daddy Doms traits.
(found here)

A Daddy Dom for me is a man who is mature, loving and caring. He sees himself as a caregiver, an alfa protector. He worships his little girl from above, not from below. He get to know her so deeply that he can tell when she is good to herself and when she’s not. Then he steps in and corrects, puts up rules and regulations. Only when it’s good for his little girl. He spoils her with love and affection and is never cheap with words or other proof of his affection.

He is a true father figure. He likes to take care of others and find satisfaction in seeing his little girl blossom. He finds personal pleasure in making his little girl into the best person she can be.

He is a dominant which means that he takes charge in sexual situations as well as in situations of danger or need. He knows that spanking and other BDSM-related activities strengthen their bonds to each other and gives his little girl pleasure, comfort and other emotionally valuable results.

He takes pleasure in seeing his little girl light up at his presence but also her dark glittering eyes as he controls her in bed.

A Daddy Dom is very proud of his little girl. Often she has is a leader or strong career women outside of their relationship but within the walls of their private space she is his little girl. Free to be little as well as sexually craving without boundaries.

To me a Daddy/little girl relationship has nothing to do with age and more to do with the type of relationship the two have together. The Daddy is the nurturer, the safe one and the object of sexual obsession for his little girl.

Little girls tend to be very obsessive about their Daddies. One might even say needy for Daddy’s attention and his body. Daddies will probably understand what I mean. She may have a successful career, be top in her field but she knows Daddy is always there for her in their private world together. She looks to Daddy for love, comfort and He is her sexual desire. She looks up to Daddy, admires him, and trusts him.

Daddy feels needed, adored and worshipped by his little girl. He is almost everything to her. His little girl will do almost anything to please Daddy, to make him happy.

He will always listen to her opinions, thoughts and feeling, because he is interested in her mind as much as he is her body.

A little girl is honest and trustworthy to her Daddy and his private thoughts, desires and actions. It will be her place to relax, where she can show all her emotions without holding back, be free.

The more I read, the more I started to recognize what my own relationship is. The way they talk about their relationship in this article is how I feel about my partner. I absolutely trust, adore, and want Jake in every way. I find the term “Daddy” unsettling but I’m sure the more it rolls around in my head I could get used to it. It truly is how things are in Jake and I’s relationship.

I used to think about it more often, but it’s true. I picked Jake because he’s helping me to be a better woman. He helps me make good decisions, even when I don’t see their wisdom right away. Jake is definitely an alpha male so it’s no surprise he would excel as a dom. I enjoy the idea of being submissive. I have given up all my control to Jake, because I have utter trust and faith in him. I’m going to do some more exploring of this concept, it intrigues me greatly….

Ladies Night Out at Wine & Palette OKC

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imageIt was a smashing experience!! Great fun, watered down drinks so I didn’t get drunk or anything. Being surrounded by and involved in so much art felt very therapeutic and fun to me. The girls suggested we start going every month, and wouldn’t that be great?

 

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Alisha’s favorite was of course Aladdin from Disney.

 

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~*~ Gettin’ My Drink On ~*~

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It all would have been a really great night out if I didn’t have sour face Jake there to pick me up at the end of the night. I tell you I can’t win with that man. I do duplicitous things behind his back and he finds out and gets mad. I decide to own up and be honest before I am going to do something he’ll dislike, and he still gets royally pissed. He was mad that night and didn’t speak to me for like 3 hours, stewing in his anger. He was upset because he believes in a pact where I won’t drink if he’s not around. He’s worried I’ll get drunk and lose my inhibitions. Damn fool, doesn’t he realize with this ring on my finger he will not be getting rid of me quite so easily?!?!?!

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It feels like another life.

Tonight at work was pretty cool. I was working with Lisa the security guard and Sara, my old friend. It is quite nice to see Sara. She is such a nice, cool person. I enjoy her personality. She is so bright and her energy is infectious. She is sweet and professional. On one hand.

It was pretty funny the other night. We were working together, and she said, “I feel like you kind of passed the torch to me. I’m not as crazy as you were, but I’m getting there.” ^_~ It was a trip to remember how stupid I used to be when she and I were younger. When I was in my early twenties, I was a wild cat in some regards. I lied to my boyfriend and stayed out late, I snuck in drinking whenever I could. I went drunk driving, and never got caught or killed anyone or even anybody’s mailbox. Sara says she still drives by the Target on the other side sometimes and gets a little nostalgic. We used to sit behind this office building near there getting high at night after work, lying about our whereabouts to my boyfriend and her dad. She still lives with her dad.

Tonight, it was funny when I remarked to her how my relationship used to be. I pointed out to her how weird it must be for her to hear everyone talking nice about Jake and how great he is at this job, because everywhere else I’ve ever been they have an unfavorable impression of Jake since he would never let me go out drinking.

Jake likes to police my behavior, that much is still true. I told Sara I needed to meet her new boyfriend, and she said, “That’s what after hours are for.” I laughed a little and told her,

“I’m getting married,
there are no after hours anymore.”

It felt nice to say. In the past, it was a death sentence. But now, I am accepting of the fact that I don’t need to do those things any longer. I don’t need to get drunk. I don’t even like drinking beer anymore. I barely drink at all, even when I have the opportunity and Jake asks.

Tonight, Lisa and I were talking about our weddings. She says she’s getting married in November and I want to get married at the end of August. She found this awesome car that visits the hotel, it’s some kind of vintage black vehicle with fins and on it is painted these sweet flames. She says she wanted to have her pictures taken in front of it and use it as their getaway vehicle at the end of the ceremony and it cost a pretty penny. The owner of the car was asking for $800, $100/hr. She said her fiance would flip if he knew she wanted to spend that kind of money and Sara suggested subterfuge.

subterfuge

I mention this especially because Sara and I were versed in this when we were together. We were good friends who lied about things together. She is in fact the only reason Jake and I are still together, because she vouched for being with me the night Jake thinks I went out on a date with another guy. I claimed it was just this random guy we both worked with who ran into us at the bar, when really it was my current boss Latta I was out with. I couldn’t admit to going out for a drink with Latta because then I would have willing agreed to go out with another guy. Even if that guy is my boss and possibly gay, Jake would have been pissed so he still has never found out.

I am super glad that Sara is around. She is as wily as ever. When Lisa said he would flip, she suggested Lisa lie and tell him it was half the price. Lisa shook her head, knowing it was wrong to lie to her fiance. I could see the cogs turning in Sara’s head, and it was a blast to the past. Once, I  went out with Sara after work with our boss and a guy from another department who liked me for drinks and I told Jake I fell asleep while I was visiting my mom.(Nothing happened with said guy. I just drunk drove us all home and went home really late to Jake.)

Sara used to have to account for her whereabouts to her dad. She had a bad boyfriend whom she was engaged to, and we commiserated over our bad relationships. We always said if she’d break up with her guy, I’d have the courage to break up with mine. But we weren’t really friends when she let that guy out of her life, and now I am engaged to mine.

Somehow, everything is fine. I know that this is exactly what i want and I really don’t feel scared. I think about being with Jake always and I feel reassured, safe, and loved. I’m glad that Jake is obsessed with me. I’m absolutely glad that I am the most important detail of Jake’s life. He is the same for me, and that’s how our love should be and is. I used to resist it when I was younger, because I knew it would hurt if it ended….

But now I have faith that it won’t. I want him and only him forever. I’ve considered the fact that 6-8 years from now I could just divorce him, but that’s not a real possibility. If I feel that way, then why do it? I don’t feel that way. I feel like 20 years from now, I could be even happier with Jake. Our potential is endless, we are only going to go up from here, I KNOW IT.