Progress Not Perfection

Lyrics:

I’m so full of love I could barely eat

There’s nothing sweeter than my baby

I’d never want once from the cherry tree

‘Cause my baby’s sweet as can be

She give me toothaches just from kissin’ me

When my time comes around

Lay me gently in the cold dark earth

No grave can hold my body down

I’ll crawl home to her

*~*~*

My baby never fret none

About what my hands and my body done

If the lord don’t forgive me

I’d still have my baby and my babe would have me

When I was kissing on my baby

And she put her love down soft and sweet

In the lowland plot I was free

Heaven and hell were words to me

When my time comes around

Lay me gently in the cold dark earth

No grave can hold my body down


I saw a commercial today for Gatorade. Michael Jordan asked, “Do you want to know what the key to victory is? Defeat.”

There is something to be said in rising every time you fail. I was/am trying to quit smoking and I am making slip ups. If my goal was to give up smoking cold turkey, then I have failed my mission.

I feel so much happier when I smoke. I ask myself, “Why am I denying myself this? It feels so good.” It feels so good to not care. But god dammit, not caring is a slippery slope. I feel care-free right now and relieved from smoking some dirty resin. But how quickly care-free turns into a bottomless pit of despair that you’re sitting at the bottom of, smoking to forget where you are.

It’s terrible living in such despair. I have to stay away from it. I did a bad job lately when it comes to my self-reflection. For the past week and a half I have been neglecting to journal in my One Day at a Time journal and it’s fucked me up missing those days.

I have been participating in Al-Anon privately. Unfortunately, I’ve only ever went to one actual meeting and that was years ago for someone else’s problem. I realize I need to go to the meetings, I just haven’t made it a priority since I am trying to be dedicated more so to the literature. I’m on Step 4 right now which is to make a “fearless and searching moral inventory of yourself.”

That is a hard enough step without moving onto the next one. Step 5, “Become willing to admit these faults to another human being.” I made an appointment with a therapist. I could go to free meetings, but I’m too intimidated to go into a room of other people. I feel like I have to start small and admit my secrets to one person. Maybe she’ll be able to help me, but I can’t be sure. Then perhaps I can move onto the group meetings, I just feel not equal to it currently.

It’s hard to care about myself when I’ve spent so much time perfecting not caring. One nice thing about quitting smoking is that my dreams are coming back. I’ve been getting better sleep and feeling more rested. I’m not late to work because I’m smoking. I’ve been showing up to work earlier.

I have had to take more anxiety pills. It’s been 10 days since I’ve smoked actual weed. I have refrained from buying more. Technically, all I am doing is getting rid of the last of my stash. I just have a little resin left. I know I should throw it away. I have considered asking my husband to hide it for emergencies. I can’t bring myself to let him hide it, or throw it away.

Even if I’ve smoked resin a few times since Day 1, my habits are drastically improved. In my past life, I came home at 11:30pm and sat down in front of the computer and I smoked until sun up. Then I would wake and bake before work the next day. About 7 hours of the day is what I was averaging sober before. I am making progress, even if I’ve fucked up and indulged some. I just have to have a stricter resolve.

I have to remember that my discomfort is TEMPORARY. IT WILL PASS.


Steve Carell is known as a funny guy, but he has some excellent romantic roles in him as well. My hubby and I just watched;

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He had some fucking killer lines. My heart broke for them. Some of my favorite lines-

Image result for seeking a friend for the end of the world quotesPenny: I wish I’d met you a long time ago. When we were kids.

Dodge: It couldn’t have happened any other way. It had to happen now.

Penny: But it isn’t enough time.

Dodge: It never would have been.

Penny: I’m scared.

Dodge: I… am madly in love with you, Penny. You’re my favorite, favorite thing.

Penny: I thought that somehow we’d save each other.

Dodge: We did. Penny. I’m really glad I got to know you.

Superstore is one of my addictions. I love the campy brand of comedy, but more importantly, the flirtatious vibe between these two characters. Amy and Jonah are so cute. They obviously get each other and operate on similar wavelengths. I have complicated feelings about Amy’s situation.

On the one hand, she’s married. Her feelings for her work husband do verge on inappropriate. My husband disapproves of her wandering eyes, while I find myself being more sympathetic. My aunt went through something similar- getting married right out of high school and having a kid. As she grew older, she outgrew the partner she’d married. They were no longer a good match and trying to stay together for the sake of the kids was ultimately more damaging in the long haul for all parties involved.

Break ups are hard to qualify. Amy’s rambling speech about how marriage is fine really showed how bad things are going for her. She obviously has feelings for Jonah that are distancing her further and further from her husband, at the end of the episode she and Jonah were singing Rent songs.

I like these two together because they are both nerdy and smart. Their pranks are adorable. I love how Jonah always backs her up and acts as her side kick; i.e. the episode with Marcus and the hot store. I think the build up to the kiss was good.

The kiss was kind of urgent and magical at the same time. They might die any second, so why die with that regret?? She reached out to him, and he held on tight. It’s what I have been craving to see for so long now!!

My heart broke for Jonah a little when Amy’s family appeared on the scene. His face looked truly dismayed, seeing her family huddled together. Like a longing for the impossible showed on his face. Is it impossible though? Where will things go after this finale?

I personally would like to see the crew split up to other stores, but Amy still finds herself seeking out Jonah. She informally separates from Adam. She and Jonah start dating in secret, because that would be very their style, sneaking around and getting into shenanigans trying not to get caught. He takes her to coffee shops and late night diners.

I can dream, can’t I?

 

WARNING: Obsessive Fangirl Moment

THANK YOU NETFLIX, YOUTUBE & HULU! GOD BLESS YOU FOR GIVING ME SOMETHING TO MINDLESSLY DO FOR HOURS AND HOURS. I AM WAY TOO OBSESSED WITH THIS SHOW x_x

Finally watched the first episode of season 5!!! I’m so friggin excited. It’s torture having to wait for more. I absolutely loved Merida, and hope to see more of her. This website is really fun to peruse, the picture above came from it and there are many more gems.

I’ve been writing my own Once Upon a Time fanfic feverishly lately. I’ve lost a lot of sleep and been irresponsible, staying up so late I’ve even been late to work. I’ve literally been staying up all hours of the night working on writing again. The one sitting the other day, I pumped out nearly four whole chapters and they weren’t short neither. That hardly NEVER happens. I am elated to be doing something I enjoy. It’s fun having an obsession again.

Without further ado, the byproduct of my obsession:

Save the Savior by ladylace616
AU. Emma went with Lily at the bus stop and they’ve been together ever since. The Apprentice never showed himself to Lily and they grow up full of questions about their parents. One day, August the mysterious writer moves in next door & is determined to take them on a trip that will change their lives. The question is will it be for better or for worse? Chapter 10, Happy Halloween!

Sources of inspiration

Stories I am reading;

  1. The Dumbest Idea Ever by Rose unspindle [Read this if you’re feeling kinky. Polyam]
  2. Of Thieves, Smugglers and Reformed Hearts by lenfaz
    Modern Life AU – Granny has a special program where she gives reformed petty criminals room and boarding at Granny’s and help them get back on his feet. Killian and Will are part of the program. Killian’s path will lead him to the sheriff, Emma; while Will’s will take him to the arms of the recent divorced librarian, Belle.
  3. Of Madness and Love by KeyWillow8626
    Because Jefferson needs a love-interest and the madness will never end anyway.
  4. Salt Water Soothes the Soul by Ltb16
    CS AU. Her life hadn’t been easy but she always found some comfort when she was near the water. Now Emma Swan lives in a tiny resort town, enjoying small town life. Killian Jones recently lost his brother and wanted a new start. When he meets Emma in a random encounter, he finds himself wanting more. Will these two allow the salt water to sooth their souls? *Updated every Tuesday.
  5. Mind Games by CurvyPragmatist
    Major Emma Swan is signed off from active duty following an accident, refusing any and all help she eventually befriends a cat-loving Doctor with her own issues. SwanQueen AU.

PostSecret of the Week:
16.secrets

As I work on my creative efforts, I’ve been watching my Captain Swan Feels playlist. Please watch and adore the cuteness.

I am absurdly happy.

Super Bowl Sunday could not have been better. It was the first time for me to be with my immediate family which makes me happy in and of itself but then throw Hakim in there and I am ecstatically happy. No one embarrassed me, no one was racist, no one made him feel unwelcome or uncomfortable. Everyone had a good time, none more so than me 😀

Hakim is so touchy-feely when we are around others. I feel so much that I am his ❤ He puts his arms around me and kisses me frequently and each kiss is a like a little brand, proclaiming to the whole world that I am his. And the amount that he kisses and loves on me shows that he is happy to do so and happy that I am his. Others may not feel the same as me but this sense of ownership is amazing. It makes me feel alive with feelings. I am so happy and grateful to be owned.

This field of flowers is a representative picture of how I am feeling, only imagine two lovers running through it as though in an idyllic dream sequence. When before last night the field was barren in some places and the flowers somewhat wilted, now I am alive with joy and belonging. I’m that happy. I’m so happy others should be puking just about right now.

=) And I could care less how corny it is.