Never Go To Bed Angry

*Trigger warning for suicidal thoughts* Continue reading

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It’s A Small World After All

Alternative title: Almost, But Never Was

The other day I went shopping at Wal*Mart and I ran into an old acquaintance. Of all people, I ran into Asta- Hakim’s Grandma. It was a pleasure seeing her. One thing I regret about discontinuing the friendships I had with my exes was my right to know about their loved ones~ Both Tyler (my first bf) and Hakim had grandmothers that I adored and they liked me, too.

Hakim’s family called her Dada, which is what I always knew and called her by as well. Seeing her was so weird and funny because it just reminded me of how different my life could have been. I kick myself every time I think about how I chose Joshua, the no-good drunk of my life, over Hakim, a perfectly stable and nice young man who loved me and missed me. He tried to get me back after we broke up, and I stupidly chose Josh thinking I was deeply in love.

Deeply deranged in the head, maybe.

If I had chosen Hakim back then, he would have likely became my husband instead. I love Jacob so very much, but I wonder sometimes how much happier I could have been with Hakim. Hakim and I were very similiar, that’s why we made a good couple. We were both sensitive people who enjoyed the same things, were spontaneous and liked to be involved in cool things. My relationship with him was easily one of the most stable relationships I ever had, and I miss those times sometimes. We had a lot of fun together. We had a lot of common interests.

We went out all the time. Hakim had a very good job and he drove a nice car. He was so sweet and thoughtful and generous. He bought people presents just because~ for no reason, he just wanted to spread cheer. The first date we ever had remains the best first date I ever went on to this day.

I suppose I’ve been thinking about it because I am slightly disappointed in some aspects of my marriage. I dislike how stagnant things are sometimes. Jake is stingy when it comes to going out. He refuses to go to expensive restaurants. In fact, the last nice place we went for dinner was an absolutely miserable date because he thought we might end up spending $60 on the  meal, including the tip amount *rolls eyes*

I crave the experience of dressing up and going out. I want to look nice and be on my husband’s arm, have him be proud to take me somewhere rather than grudging. I haven’t felt very attractive lately in his eyes either. I feel like I am starving for compliments and sweet endearments. I just want him to say nice things about me to me, and how pathetic is it when you have to ask???? No bueno.

Our sex life is pretty much in the same boat. We never do anything new, and it’s not my fault. I might be just a little too adventurous for Jake. And by that, I mean I actually enjoy and want to try different forms of foreplay but to him that would just be a big waste of time. He’s too impatient to get on to the sex, and I never feel wooed. Just pressured. Our sex is like clock work, something I have to do in a timely fashion before he freaks out that I haven’t offered. God forbid he spend some time making out with me or heavy petting me to put me in the mood, oh no.

He doesn’t kiss me passionately. He doesn’t stare into my eyes like he loves me. I know he does, I just sometimes wish he could be more expressive about things. S0metimes I feel like we lack intimacy since he rushes things so much.

We’re definitely comfortable together, though. We have fallen into a routine. Come home, smoke, eat until it’s time to have sex and go to sleep. We both love to eat. We eat out of boredom. We both have been known to binge eat. We both love playing on our computers and watching the same TV shows. I am happy. I have found what I was looking for when I first got together with Jake;

“What I want is to be needed. What I need is to be indispensable to somebody. Who I need is somebody that will eat up all my free time, my ego, my attention. Somebody addicted to me. A mutual addiction.”
Chuck Palahniuk, Choke

I needed someone who would never tire of me. I somehow got what I wished for; Jake is obsessed with me, I am his one and only. I am his wife and his best friend. Jake doesn’t like to spend time with anyone else, he has no other friends. I am his everything. He wants to be by my side always, literally. The only time I can be away from him is when I am at work. It gets tiring, but they do say “Careful what you wish for.”

Something Hubby and I have been doing it catching up on all the latest and greatest shows on TV. I feel like all the characters on Hulu are my friends now. These fictional characters took the place of my real friends. Lately we binge-watched the latest season of Walking Dead and I would be remiss if I didn’t share one of my favorite things from season 7:

Life as a Newlywed

Advice from a Newlywed:

Congratulations on your wedding!

Now that the honeymoon is over, what do you have to say about life as a newlywed?

“Go buy a bunch of lube. You are most certainly going to need it. If you thought you had conditioned your partner to maybe 2-3 times a week making love, you’re going to be VERY surprised. Suddenly, you’re back at it like rabbits in the beginning of your relationship. I have been surprised by the fact that we’re back to it every night like clockwork. 

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Physical intimacy is good for your relationship. I know you might be exasperated by his enthusiasm sometimes, but learn to hold your tongue and cherish these moments. Maybe you’re not in the mood, but you respond to each other better when you’re more willing to compromise. You’ll find it’s worth picking your battles, lest you spend hours fighting or otherwise making each other miserable.

On another note, now that you are A Wife, you should try harder. Jacob has accepted me as the lazy person I am and loves me unconditionally and cleans up after me. But he shouldn’t always expect to do everything, like you have been making him do. You should put in more effort on his behalf. He will love you better for it.”

What is Your Love Language?

Words of Affirmation

Your Preferred Love Language
is Words of Affirmation

Actions don’t always speak louder than words. If this is your love language, unsolicited compliments mean the world to you. Hearing the words, “I love you,” are important – hearing the reasons behind that love sends your spirits skyward. Insults can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten. Kind, encouraging, and positive words are truly life-giving.

Postsecret of the week:live

Contrary to this picture, I actually wish I could be going to therapy right now. The only problem with that is one) necessary funds and two) the willpower to make it to appointments. I have neither, but I aspire to someday.

I mentioned briefly to my fiance the possibility of attending Al Anon meetings again. I used to go for the problems I had with Joshua drinking, now I would like to return for my mother’s dependency on drugs. She makes me want to tear my hair out on a regular basis, just thinking of her, let alone actually seeing her.

I’ve been having to drive all over the state of Oklahoma in order to receive care for my many physical ailments. Most commonly, I am sent to the town of Clinton which is about 2 hours away from my home. I have to go all over the place for the free care of the Indian Clinics. They are extremely frustrating because when you’re sick, you’ll call for an appointment and they’re like, “Well we can see you 2-3 weeks from now.” *rolls eyes* Thanks for nothing!!

They have recently sent me to a specialist for one of my issues. I’m expecting to go to another in the near future, a urologist. On Monday, my fiance and I drove out to Lawton, Oklahoma and the whole trip was about a 6 hour process since we did not have a sturdy vehicle to make the trip, I had to borrow my Grandpa’s heavy duty F-350 to make the trip (which guzzles gas like no other.)

When we went to the clinic last week on Thursday, I had a hellacious day. My mother and I made the drive after I’d been awake all night for night audit and she blared the radio the whole way there, 1 1/2 hours. Then when we went to check in, the nurses had the gall to tell me that the doctor couldn’t see me due to an emergency surgery. I drove over an hour to be told the doctor couldn’t see me O_________________o I almost killed someone that day.

Anyway, finally got to see the doctor/OBGYN and I felt a lot better after speaking with him. My primary care doctor acts like my innards are a mystery and she has horrible bed side manner. This doctor seemed familiar with my problem and suggested birth control. He called it Mittelschmerz which is a fancy word for mid-cyclical pain. So next thing I know, I am being reclined on one of the seats in his office and they are numbing my arm up to shove a birth control device in my arm.

I’ve always been hesitant to be on birth control in the past. The only reason I agreed now is because this pain bites it hard. I never felt comfortable altering my hormones, and that is still the case. Let it be said that at the beginning of having this birth control inputted in my arm that I had recently lost 10 lbs and currently weigh 189 lbs. I worry about gaining weight and being an emotional mess- I mean, let’s face it, I don’t need any help in that department >_____>

What element is your love?

Your Love Element is Metal

In love, you inspire and respect your partner. For you, love is all about fusing together for one incredible life experience.

You attract others with wit and a bit of flash.
Your flirting style is defined by making others want and value you.

Greatness and optimism are the cornerstones of your love life. You may let go too easily, but you never get weighed down by your past.

You connect best with: Earth

Avoid: Fire

You and another Metal element: will control and smother each other

As for my TV shows, I’m catching up with both Once Upon a Time and The Walking Dead.

TWD: Season 6 spoilers!!!!

MY HEART!!!!!! T0T

My wonderful fiance purchased season 6 for me on Amazon prime. SQUEE!!!!! I AM SO EXCITED. I am even being nice and not jetting ahead of him in episodes. He actually knows more spoilers than I do at this point because he talks about it at work which I WISH I could. Anyway, we just finished watching episode 3 in which A TERRIBLE EVENT OCCURS!!! Look away if you haven’t watched it yet.

Glenn dies!! Because of that fucking pissant Nicholas. I could have told you last season that that asshole would be the death of Glenn. He made a grave mistake by choosing to let the little asshole live. He was trying to be a better person by helping out, which I am semi happy about, but STILL!!!!! My heart hurt so much with the death of Glenn. I immediately thought of Maggie, and she reacted pretty much like I thought she might. She was willing to go and look for him, to help him. I must say I was happily surprised that she is pregnant. At least that much of Glenn will live on *cries buckets*

Follow up on previous post:

I talked to my friend who is versed in the BDSM culture. She talked to me about the Daddy/Little dynamic and she didn’t necessarily see me as a little.

But is she right? She doesn’t know all of me, she doesn’t know what goes on behind closed doors. Sometimes I feel so helpless, it’s nice to think of Jake taking care of me. I always expect Jake to keep me safe and provide for me. Sometimes, because of my mental illness, simple things are hard for me to do. (I’m depressed and mentally unbalanced at times. An emotional basket case, one might say.)

Just for instance, yesterday I broke a long streak. I hadn’t had any panic attacks since november when I was last employed at the Renaissance (and that god awful stint at that other job) and now I have gone and had another attack. I was contemplating my health and how fucked I am if I keep relying on the Indians. I am reminded of how we trusted my Grandma with their care and now she’s dead 😦

Don’t think about it.

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Anyway, with the DD/LG relationship, I started to do some research about what a little is. (Reference this article, I subscribed)

I have these weird feelings on the topic. I don’t necessarily feel I should be as weirded out as social norms dictate, though. So it’s taboo; it’s just a different kind of relationship… in a way, Jake and I both have an active inner child. He’s my “Daddy” so to speak but he encourages my childish interests, like watching cartoons on netflix or collecting all my hello kitty dolls. I let him do everything for us, he takes care of me. I do things for him also, but this kind of relationship certainly makes me feel stimulated.

It reminds me of the other things we participate in. I have considered my previous lovers, and I will admit in the beginning of our relationship I did not consider Jacob my best lover. We didn’t make love or experience true passion, it was mechanical sex at times. As time went on, Jake and I grew closer and developed a more meaningful connection. Our connection has become so strong and my trust so evident in him, that we have engaged in auto-erotic asphyxiation. That sent our intimacy levels SKY ROCKETING and he instantly became the best lover I’d ever had after our first experience. I still love doing it from time to time. An excerpt from my journal:

It was so erotic. I had the sense of returning to my body. Those moments when I was gone were pure bliss, a plain of pleasure previously unknown. Truly addictive. Such pleasure is incredible, almost indescribable.

It is true and utter surrender. It is a higher plain, a wonderful nothingness that I somehow miss once I’ve come back. It truly gives meaning to the French references as the orgasm being called “the little death.”

That kind of submissive relationship is very arousing to me. I am always wanting us to engage in sensual forms of foreplay, but Jake gets impatient for the poking. I enjoy the idea of being blind folded and we both like food so I see no reason we can’t include strawberries and whip cream as a tasty little treat. But would these things give my husband satisfaction? No, he would be squirming uncomfortably waiting for me to get naked lol

You win some, you lose some. I think I might develop more of this Little personality. See what my little is all about, since I do need to be cared for….

Strange but True vol. IV

I discovered something online today quite by accident. I was browsing through my tumblr feed and I stumbled upon a fetish sigh, a Daddy/Little site. When I visited the site and scrolled down the pages, my interest grew more and more. I started researching this dominant/submissive relationship style and these are just a few of the things I found-

(I did not write the following.)

What Does A Daddy Mean to Me?

What is a Daddy Dom?

A Daddy Dom wants to be the centre of your universe. He wants to be able to provide for your every need and care. But more than that he wants to be able to shape and mould you to the image he thinks you should become. He sees in you someone who can achieve a much higher, much greater status. He believes more in you than you believe in yourself. What he wants in return is to be able to bask in his image of you, the image he has created. To achieve these goals he relies on a combination of love, respect, and discipline.

His love for his little girl goes without saying. He loves her as much for who she is as for who she will become with his guidance. She is his prized possession. His eyes light up when she walks into the room and he takes great pride in her successes. After all, he helped to create her. She holds the most tender part of his heart and has the greatest power to hurt him.

This love would not be possible without respect. A Daddy Dom needs to feel pride in his little girl. He needs to know she can hold her own in the outside world and still submit to him. He holds the greatest respect for the gift she has given him and takes great pains to increase it’s value. It is extremely important to him to know she can be with any man and she chooses to be with him.

He knows that this makes discipline a priority in their lives, more important than in some other D/s relationships. In order for the little girl to really trust, she must know he means what he says. If his little girl is going to be the best she can possibly be he must stand firm. He uses his experience in life and his knowledge of her to provide proper direction and punishment when the need arises.

If he does not enforce discipline, this respect becomes a tenuous thing. If his submissive finds that she can manipulate him out of punishing her, she begins to lose respect and the ability to empower becomes impeded. He understands that it becomes increasingly difficult to be possessed by someone you do not respect.

This takes great strength on his part. It takes strength to control her, and to shape her to his needs and desires. It takes strength to be her confidant, her shoulder, her anchor. It takes strength to let her out into the world when all he wants to do is hold her safe in his arms. And it takes strength to do what is necessary when she needs to be disciplined.

A Daddy Dom provides something else that is very important to his submissive…acceptance. She is safe in his arms because he knows her, everything about her, and he still loves her. When she goes to him she knows that this man knows all of her dirty little secrets and it doesn’t matter. To him she is beautiful.

I think most Dominants have a bit of the Daddy in them, taking on the role of male authority figure in the submissive’s life and using their power to enrich that life. Daddy/little girl verbalizes that feeling, and adds a dimension of warmth, caring, and ritual that it’s participants crave.

A Daddy Doms traits.
(found here)

A Daddy Dom for me is a man who is mature, loving and caring. He sees himself as a caregiver, an alfa protector. He worships his little girl from above, not from below. He get to know her so deeply that he can tell when she is good to herself and when she’s not. Then he steps in and corrects, puts up rules and regulations. Only when it’s good for his little girl. He spoils her with love and affection and is never cheap with words or other proof of his affection.

He is a true father figure. He likes to take care of others and find satisfaction in seeing his little girl blossom. He finds personal pleasure in making his little girl into the best person she can be.

He is a dominant which means that he takes charge in sexual situations as well as in situations of danger or need. He knows that spanking and other BDSM-related activities strengthen their bonds to each other and gives his little girl pleasure, comfort and other emotionally valuable results.

He takes pleasure in seeing his little girl light up at his presence but also her dark glittering eyes as he controls her in bed.

A Daddy Dom is very proud of his little girl. Often she has is a leader or strong career women outside of their relationship but within the walls of their private space she is his little girl. Free to be little as well as sexually craving without boundaries.

To me a Daddy/little girl relationship has nothing to do with age and more to do with the type of relationship the two have together. The Daddy is the nurturer, the safe one and the object of sexual obsession for his little girl.

Little girls tend to be very obsessive about their Daddies. One might even say needy for Daddy’s attention and his body. Daddies will probably understand what I mean. She may have a successful career, be top in her field but she knows Daddy is always there for her in their private world together. She looks to Daddy for love, comfort and He is her sexual desire. She looks up to Daddy, admires him, and trusts him.

Daddy feels needed, adored and worshipped by his little girl. He is almost everything to her. His little girl will do almost anything to please Daddy, to make him happy.

He will always listen to her opinions, thoughts and feeling, because he is interested in her mind as much as he is her body.

A little girl is honest and trustworthy to her Daddy and his private thoughts, desires and actions. It will be her place to relax, where she can show all her emotions without holding back, be free.

The more I read, the more I started to recognize what my own relationship is. The way they talk about their relationship in this article is how I feel about my partner. I absolutely trust, adore, and want Jake in every way. I find the term “Daddy” unsettling but I’m sure the more it rolls around in my head I could get used to it. It truly is how things are in Jake and I’s relationship.

I used to think about it more often, but it’s true. I picked Jake because he’s helping me to be a better woman. He helps me make good decisions, even when I don’t see their wisdom right away. Jake is definitely an alpha male so it’s no surprise he would excel as a dom. I enjoy the idea of being submissive. I have given up all my control to Jake, because I have utter trust and faith in him. I’m going to do some more exploring of this concept, it intrigues me greatly….

Sex, Health, and Me

I’ve been having some health issues lately. As always, they are female issue related. I’ve been experiencing bloating, pain, and tenderness between my cycles. I suspected ovulation pain which I am familiar with, only recently I had a stretch of pain/general discomfort for about 3-4 days. It worried me, so I had that little break down I mentioned in my last post. I traveled to Ada, Oklahoma to visit the indian emergency room. Three hours later, they determined what it wasn’t and sent me off with pain meds and a referral to go to my normal doctor.

That was maybe a week and a half ago. Since then, Jake and I had a pleasurable trip out to Clinton so I could get an ultrasound done. When I finally got the test results back, the nurse told me that the results were “normal” even though I’m still experiencing pain and discomfort. She said just because they are normal doesn’t mean I’m not in pain, and then suggested that my problem could possibly be endometriosis and told me I had to follow up with my regular doctor, whom I hate.

After I found out about the news, I got a little upset. My boss recognized this and tried to talk to me about it, but I got emotional and had to leave the room. It’s hard for me to recognize when I need self-care, I tend to ignore what I really need and do what my id wants to do. I always feel the need to relax but never feel quite relaxed enough. I usually end up wasting a lot of my time smoking and indulging in false pleasures rather than focusing on what I really need to or should be doing to better myself. I should be indulging in more art and literature because expressing myself and immersing myself in words are both comforting acts to me.

Speaking of comfort, I started reading a pretty steamy story on fanfiction.net.

Thursday Night Safe Space by Magenta’s Nightmare
Andrea is a sex therapist who is married to Merle and best friends with Carol who is suffering the after effects of a troubled marriage. This is the story of what happens when Carol final lets her friend help her out. This is a Caryl story, don’t let the first chapter mislead you.

Rated: Fiction M – Daryl D., Andrea, Carol, Merle D. – Chapters: 9 – Words: 19,252 – Reviews: 65 – Favs: 10 – Follows: 26 – Updated: 21h ago – Published: Feb 15

It’s pretty hot, and I found it pretty stimulating for a couple of reasons. I used to consider being a therapist in the past. Not just any therapist, actually. A sex therapist. Among my friends, I have always been one of the more informed and I have a way of making them feel comfortable enough to share intimate details with me and open up.

The work that Andrea is doing in the story is very impacting. You can tell she is passionate about it because it matters. She brings intimacy into people’s relationships and makes them more sexually satisfied with each other. Being sexually informed and practiced is nothing to be ashamed of. It makes your partner feel better and more cared for when you know how to treat their body.

I have desired more intimacy in Jake and I’s relationship. In these sex work shops that Carol and Daryl are participating in, I’m a little familiar with the material. I’ve read plenty of sex stories and information on the importance of foreplay. I have even been to one of the sex shops before. I unwittingly went along with my artsy girlfriend who told me there would be free wine.

We showed up to a class in a small boutique shop in the plaza district. It was artistic and feminine with pastel corsets and bras on display in the shop. The class was described to me as an empowering experience for women so I didn’t complain as she brought me my free glass of wine. It was a class made up entirely of women ranging in ages and the instructor quickly introduced the thought of tantric sex. (Read more about tantric sex here.)

Before long, we were on our backs on the floor and the instructor was instructing us in raising our pelvis up off the floor and feeling your sexual energy. It was a pretty wicked experience, and I would have gone to more classes if me and that friend didn’t have a parting of ways.

You have to be in a comfortable space to achieve it. It’s hard to ask for what you want when you don’t think that your wish will be granted. Often times, I know I can’t ask Jake for extra foreplay because he gets impatient and then it’s just spoiled for both of us, which is infinitely worse than just spoiled for me.

If I’m being completely honest, I am more than a little bit interested in a more submissive type of sex style. I love to hear my partner make noises or talk dirty to me to show their appreciation, but Jake remains frustratingly silent. He is forever expecting me to read his mind when it comes to what he wants. He has trouble communicating, but he’s not the only one. He’d like me to do more anal experimentation, and I myself want to have more adventurous sex, as in outside-of-the-home sex ^_~

We’re making headway, believe it or not. The other day, Jake and I went out to a casino night date and went to Riverwind. On the way back after an enjoyable if not lucrative night out, we found ourselves groping in the car and things turned steamy quickly. I gave him road head on the way home despite how dangerous it is. I trust Jake implicitly, I knew he wouldn’t crash the car on us and he didn’t.

As for me trusting Jake, I am reminded of how much he really trusts me. The other night, we were 69ing, and his ass got ever closer to my face. I am almost positive he wanted me to perform anal oral sex on him, and I chickened out. If I am truly going to be confident in my skills, then I think I did the wrong thing shying away from the act. I’d like to work up the courage to try it, but don’t know how I feel about really performing the sexual act.

What are my reservations? I’m not afraid Jake would be unclean. I suppose it is the stigma attached to the act. I have always regarded it as something no man would ever want me to do, and felt grateful that no one had ever asked me to or been inclined for me to try it. But I know from experience that when Jake did it to me, it was an electrifying and forbidden feeling that was definitely pleasurable. I want him to feel the same, so we should shake it up somehow and I think that I should try it. I supposed I just don’t feel well educated enough about it to move forward with my desire, so I’ve been doing some research. . .

Speaking of weird sexual urges, I have an old friend in my orbit again. I got my old friend Sara a position up at my job. I don’t know if I regret it or not with her work output, but it sure is nice to hear all her gossip once more.

She likes regaling me with the sordid details of her new relationship. He is all about her and touching and pleasuring her, but she is being a cock tease and not reciprocating very much she says. She says he’s making it really difficult to deny her urges to have sex with him so soon. This will be her second relationship and she’s still pretty burned from the first dysfunctional one so she doesn’t want to move too fast.lol I told her girl you’re no virgin, you oughtta give it up haha

After my first boyfriend, I haven’t really made any boyfriend wait a long period of time before we got busy. I’m usually the one progressing things along pretty quickly. What can I say? I go after what I want lol