Time to Make a Change

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The last time I posted, I was very dissatisfied with things going on at work. I am still upset at this point, and for more reasons than one.

My enthusiasm for my work is gone. I’ve been very fed up with the lack of staff. I don’t particularly like the people I work with. I know it would make me happier to work somewhere that is managed better. The managers at my current job are just not well-enough equipped to do their jobs. There are so many tasks and standards to adhere to, and not enough hands or time.

Things seem to be going south. Further and further. My boss just gave her two weeks notice, for health reasons. I am not looking forward to the interim period where they are trying to hire for her position, because…. yes, I have determined I am not interested in it.

The hours are undesirable. The work load is undesirable. The responsibility of covering shifts that are missed by co-workers are too frequent/taxing. I am quite unenthused with needy guests lately. I’ve been stressed out to the maximum, and resenting the way things are being handled. The attention to detail is annoying. I am tired of management, actually. It pains me to admit that.

At least for a while, I might possibly need a break. As I was anguishing over my career and life in general, I decided to call someone wise for advice. Talking to Jake is good because he is supportive but he doesn’t always understand where I am coming from. I decided to give my Grandpa a call, and I laid it all out on the line for his consideration:

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I have been considering changing career paths. It’s been really distressing to me admitting to myself that I don’t have what it takes to properly do the front office manager job. I found myself explaining to Grandpa that I was not able to adhere to the standard I hold for myself in the job, and that’s true because I have high expectations. It was very comforting talking to my Grandpa, because just when I really think I’m being stupid, he has a way of making me sound really smart.

He says it’s good to recognize your own limits. It’s only giving up if you choose to view it that way. He says I’m making a conscious decision to better adjust myself. Just because I don’t have the maturity and organizational skills to manage the job now, doesn’t mean that I won’t be wonderful at it years from now. Exploring a new career path does not mean that I can never go back into the hospitality career.

I thought a career change might be nice because it would be a whole new way of life. All the jobs I have applied to have been during normal working hours, day time hours. It would be a radical change for me, and who knows if it would make me happier?

I’ve been stuck wondering if I just need some anxiety or depression pills to make me better, or do I need a whole new everything?????

I’m going to try the whole new everything.

 

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Dear Daddy

I need a moment to mental pause my life. I’ve been  feeling more and more overwhelmed lately and unable to perform at work, at home, in Life in general. I had a four day rest from work, but it didn’t rejuvenate my batteries. I still feel quite ill at ease.

My dad is going back into the general populace someday soon, and the sooner the day looms the more upset I get. I am both glad he will be out and utterly dismayed. I dread having to face him- it’s uncomfortable to stand in front of a man who loves you, and sneer down your nose at him. Disdain. Unhappiness. Harbinger of chaos, you are my undoing. I loathe you, thank you for loving me, but it doesn’t feel like enough. I need you to step up and be better, climb out of the shit. Abandon your old skin and your old ways. Become someone new, a more improved version of yourself. Stop making me witness this train wreck we have now.

Lacy, the Lady in Charge (Behind the Scenes)

Image result for lady bossThings have been hectic for me lately. I’ve been suffering from a pretty strong bout of brain fog. (Read more) Sounds like a funky excuse, but it’s more common than you think!

I’ve been experiencing some uncomfortable health issues and depression has been a side effect. The other day at work, my co-worker Dottie observed that I’ve been off the last couple of days, and I found myself admitting to her how I find it really difficult to get out of bed. Or at least, that was the case last week. I could barely peel myself out in time to get to work and showed up sloppy, hair not combed or simple things like forgetting my makeup.

I’ve been trying to do better and Jake has had a schedule change recently which has changed my sleeping patterns. He’s getting a new job soon! He starts next week as a pharmacy technician at Mercy hospital. I couldn’t be more proud. This is what we have been striving for, and the money is surely appreciated.

While I have been experiencing strong depression, don’t be mistaken about my married life. I am actually still ecstatic regarding my feelings and our marriage. We’ve been tested early on but I feel we met many compromises to see ourselves through our hardships. Being married is like finding a blessed island in the middle of a turbulent ocean, a sanctuary in the middle of a thrashing sea. I feel utterly safe and comforted, completely accepted and loved. We have been joined now and I always feels this connection between us, even when things are hard.

I’ve been wanting to seek counseling for some time now. I’ve failed to actually seek it out because I’m looking for a specific kind of therapist. I went to a younger therapist once and didn’t enjoy the experience. When I was a young kid, I was the teacher’s pet and would stay after school to chat with the older ladies. They were funny and wise, and with my Grandma missing in my life, I find myself seeking the attention of an older woman rather than a younger one.

I know it would help me a lot to seek counseling again. I have a lot of vices I’d like to discuss with someone objective. I find myself wanting to talk about my family affairs because they’re so stupid and complicated. My relationships with my mother and father are agonizing to me most of the time, and I think of them frequently though I don’t give them the satisfaction of knowing that. I’m punishing them by not talking to them. It backfires on me every time because I miss talking to them, but they friggin’ kill me so I seem to always repeat the process once I break the silence to assure myself they’re still alive and kicking. Resume resentment and sour feelings of emotional abandonment.

So as you might think, I don’t always have my shit together. Particularly, at work!! 😦 I have been stressed beyond a breaking point lately and just let a whole lot of shit slide. That’s why I’m not particularly proud to be running things. I can’t even run things in my own life. I am always forgetting to do important things for myself. I have trouble taking care of myself. I therefore have trouble managing a team of girls. I like to take a step back and just let things run on auto pilot.

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I’ve become very disappointed in my work ethic. I just don’t have the energy or will power to as well as I would like to up at my job. I want to think of the guests as nice people who help keep me in a job but mostly I feel like they’re nuisances. I’ve been stretched emotionally lately and just talking to people stresses me out. Of course, that makes doing my job well impossible. My anxiety has just been going haywire lately. Social anxiety has me dipping out of work early some nights, or otherwise praying and hoping my associates will want to go home early so I can get some solitude. I just find people talking to me very distracting and agitating. So often I just wish people, the guests and my co-workers alike, would just LEAVE. ME. ALONE.

I’m trying to work past these feelings. I try to curtail my anxiety by sitting down to work on projects in the back and let them do the check in work for the most part. I get anxiety when Chelsea sits down in the back and I am in the front. I resent doing more of the work, when I have more important things to do. I am trying to do better though, to smile and to have them be genuine rather than forced.

At work, my boss is still absent. She has been out sick since before my wedding. Since she was hired in July, she has probably worked a total of one month- and that is being generous. No one knows what ails her. She has a serious illness maybe cancer and is no longer ambulatory. She has to get around in a wheelchair when she is not in the hospital. We are in some limbo no-man’s land just waiting for the legal period to pass in which we can replace her. I have to last at least another month, mid way through November it sounded like to me. *HUFF*

I keep asking myself if I can hack this. I get so stressed out. When I think about what would make me happy and soothe my anxiety, it makes me sound so unambitious. Honestly, I would love to get hired on as a night audit manager overnight somewhere. I find the night time shift less stressful because you do not encounter as many people. But to take less money just to have less stress is going the wrong way in my career.

Speaking of my career, this experience has left me questioning my abilities. It is very nerve racking to have the job I always wanted (front office manager) and to absolutely fucking hate it. I feel overwhelmed constantly and a pressure to make everything run as smoothly as possible. I run around like a chicken with it’s head cut off instead, and feel like I’m doing a terrible job at everything I try to do.

I think it’s possible just because of my personal issues to be having troubles. I might not hate this job as much when I am mentally doing well and prepared for it. They say I should cut myself some slack more often, so here are some contributing factors to why I hate things so much right now:

A) I do not have an assistant to share the load
B) Expectations have not been clear on my manager’s part

CAN I MAKE IT?

1 Million & 1 Thoughts Presented By Me

When I look in the mirror, I don’t recognize you. “Ooooh, I wanna make up my mind, but I don’t know myself.” -Mike Snow

If you’ve ever read the book Revolutionary Road by Richard Yates might be familiar with this concept. You become deeply depressed and mentally disturbed by the fact that you don’t actually know what you want- that’s why you do what you do, why you infuriate you- you don’t know what you’re doing, you don’t know what you want. And if you don’t know either of those, then you don’t know yourself.

It’s a horrible feeling when you stop to think about it. That’s just it, you don’t think about it most of the time. You play your life on loop day after day, and before you realize it you’re sobbing uncontrollably and losing your shit. You didn’t realize you were so unhappy, and the shit hits the fan all at once. You feel a tremendous amount of anxiety and grief, a horrible feeling of somehow being out of control of yourself. So melancholy and suddenly obsessed with all these perceived short comings now that you’re thinking about it.

I’ve been stressed at work lately. The schedules keep falling to shit and we are desperately short on people and I feel pretty pressed most of the time. I get too many people in my face and this weekend played havoc on my stress and anxiety levels. It was just wall to wall people, completely sold out for several nights in a row and to top it off we had a loud, family reunion congregating in my lobby and the amount of noise was out of control. I felt transported to back when there were pep rallies at school and how loud it was. I could barely stand people to talk to me and add one more thing to my list to do. I hated people on Thursday, I was ill all day and having a bad digestion day. I popped at least 4 anxiety pills that day.

Then, on Friday before it was time to go into work, I had an anxiety attack at my home. I was contemplating getting ready for work and doing my hair, and suddenly I noticed my hands were shaking and I was short of breath. I was slightly late because I had to make myself calm down before I could drive to work.

So, as you might have surmised, things are not necessarily going well with the new boss. She is letting me do things I would rather drop. I use to do a lot of the role because I was trying to get the job, and now it’s my turn to let go of a little. But that’s not what’s happening….

I feel like the new boss isn’t measuring up. I guess I was expecting a lot better, but instead this lady is gutzilla and is messier than me!! I tried so hard to be clean and make a first good impression, and the first day I met her, she left a huge mess for me to clean! And that has been a pattern for her so far, unfortunately. I dislike it heartily. I’m having to train my new boss and it’s aggravating. I want her to take more initiative. That’s not too much to ask.

Small things make me happy too, sometimes. I awoke from a wonderful dream earlier today. In my dream, the whole family was there. It was still sad news, because Granny was sick but not with diabetes. We were all seeing her off, like a final good bye party but at this party everyone was happy. She had both her legs and was standing next to Grandpa arms linked, and she was youthful and happy, her smile exuberant. I only remember it being that way in pictures. We were all wishing her goodbye.

I’ve felt particularly wistful about her lately, what with my nuptials and all. I feel excited because I know she will be present, she would not miss my day. Even beyond the grave, Granny will come to me and I will her spirit to enter the room, gladden everybody’s hearts. She was such a wonderful woman, and it will feel wonderful to feel her near again. I’ve missed her so much. Please help heal everyone, all of us, even beyond the grave. Your reach is that far, you can still reach us. I know you can help mend my mother, you can help my aunt and me, too. You always did. I miss you so much.

Tea Time with Jake and Lace

I am quite stressed about my upcoming wedding. There is no way I am going to be able to run this whole show. I don’t have enough money to accomplish everything. I don’t have the wherewithal. I feel so stupid since I waited so late to take care of things. I forgot it was coming up so soon, and now I’m screwed. I would like to feel less stressed. But there are still so many things to do;

Order cupcake cake (like the one featured above)
Order groom’s cake (Vegeta cake)
Get the guy to officiate our wedding
Rent linens for the tables (cancel)
Hire a photographer
Find money for honeymoon clothes

Wedding Countdown Ticker

I LOVE CHEAP THRILLS (SURVEY)

Listen to this song on loop like I have for the past several hours; I’m in fuckin’ love.

  1. What are your strengths?
    I’m a compassionate and open minded person. I’m very laid back so flying by the seat of my pants is usually comfortable to me/I’m flexible enough to adjust when shit gets fucked up.
  2. What are your short term and long term goals for yourself?

    Short term= Get married, improve sex life.
    Long term= happily married, own our own house, and fostering young children, maybe working as a stay-at-home writer.
  3. Who matters most to you?
    My lover and my mother, in that order. They both break my heart.
  4. What are you ashamed of?
    I’m ashamed of my parents. I’m ashamed of my own inability to to get off drugs, and also for the fact my parents both have problems with addiction as well. I’m ashamed that I’m occasionally mentally unwell.
  5. What do you like to do for fun?
    I enjoy taking pictures, forcing others to be in them. I enjoy poetry and art.
  6. What new activities are you interested in or willing to try?

    I am playing Pokemon Go which is the newest fad for those of my generation. It’s pretty cool, ngl. Me and Jake had fun hitting all the Poke Stops in the area and meeting other players.
  7. What are you worried about?
    Mostly I am worried about our wedding and the marriage thereafter. I’m also a little worried about my job since a new boss is coming to run the show. (Still glad it’s not me.)
  8. What are your values? What do you believe in?

    Generally, my mission in life is to carry on my grandma’s spirit of grace and generosity. She was a truly classy lady whom everyone loved, and to wind up half the person she was would please me. Only I have a long way to go. . . Spread kindness, practice patience. Be understanding, a rock to lean on. Do not judge others lest ye yourself be judged. Live and Let Live.

  9. If you could have one wish, what would it be?
    I would most certainly wish for my Grandma to be alive. So many things would be different, not so broken anymore. Myself included. Her love was hard to lose. I would do anything to get it back.
  10. Where do you feel the safest?
    Honestly, I really like being in my car all alone. It feels like a space big enough for just me, and I actually enjoyed taking the long trips out to my Indian clinic just because of the solitude. You can sing or scream as loud as you want, it’s your friggin’ space.
  11. What or who gives me comfort?
    I feel comforted when I am with Jacob, and he holds me in his arms and strokes his fingers across my scalp gingerly. The stress just melts out the top of my head, and I feel like I was probably a cat in a past life.
  12. If you weren’t afraid, you would…..
    I would ask Jake’s grandpa for money for the wedding. It would upset both Jake and his Grandpa though, so I feel agitated. I’m sure he’d help if he knew how much I wanted it. But there’s no way to bring it about tactfully!!!
  13. What is your proudest accomplishment?
    I won 2nd place at a DECA state competition once.
  14. What is your biggest failure?
    I didn’t graduate college. I am one class away from it, but it was too hard so I stopped trying. Pitiful *smh*
  15. What do you like about your job? What do you dislike?
    Like= the incentives, the $$$, the people I work with
    Dislike=it gets busy/stressful, the hours- my bf gets pissed when I work late
  16. What does your inner critic say about you?

    that’s what I say to it!!! but really it says I’m fat, unhealthy, and crazy. Why is this man marrying me??? I’m going to be a terrible housewife because I already am. Gotta get my shit together.
  17. What do you do to show yourself self-care?
    I need to beef up on this, the only thing I can think of is when I soak my feet in epsom salts after a hard day on them. I need to take better care of myself. But saying a thing is different than actually doing it, I’ve found.
  18. What are you passionate about?
    I do feel pretty passionate about being a professional in the hospitality career. I more so feel a passion for professionalism, and would like to use this for writing to make money someday if I can!
  19. What is your happiest memory?
    I’m glad for everytime I hugged my Grandma’s neck and told her I loved her and appreciated her. I was also very happy on my birthday this year, it was the best one I’ve had in years with absolutely no tears!!! (Very rare)
  20. What are you grateful for today?
    I love my baby. I am more glad than ever to know he loves me and misses me and can’t get enough of me. I know he’s secretly crazy about me, even when he tries to show me he can do without me. No he can’t. I can’t either 🙂

Dodged a bullet, time to celebrate!!

As some of you may know, my boss recently quit his job. I interviewed for his position, but I wasn’t happy about it. Everyone said it made sense to promote me, and I would nod my head and agree. But it seemed the more I acted like I wanted it on the outside, the more on the inside I was screaming I didn’t want it.

There’s been a lot of stress and pressure on me during this time. Everyone was encouraging me and saying I should get it, and I had to smile. I was faking it. I was faking being an ambitious person who would like to further their career. How Sad. I felt like I couldn’t admit I didn’t want it, because then people (mostly Jake) are like, “Don’t you want MORE MONEY???”

Don’t you mean don’t you want more STRESS?!!?!

I was never so glad then when my boss brought me into her office. She was trepidatious at first, nervous that she may upset me. She had no idea that over the weekend I had had a mental breakdown over the issue. I made myself sick for a weekend, worried about the position.

I had interviewed and did a good job of it. I always do well in interviews, and I was worried I’d actually convinced them to let me do the job. A job I was coming to realize I desperately did not want AT ALL.

On Saturday, I was in tears when I called my grandpa for advice. I was full of doubt and worry over the position. I didn’t think I could do it. I know how much stress I can handle, and I am already at the brink. I can’t handle much more, so I knew the job wasn’t for me but was afraid to tell anyone. I didn’t want anyone to know how much I doubted myself- wanted to appear confident and ambitious, ready and willing to take up the gauntlet. The opposite of what I really am.

I had a mental breakdown at work on Saturday. I called my grandpa, and he told me it was perfectly okay to accept your limitations. He said it was better to do what was best for me, and I knew better than anyone else what I could and couldn’t handle. Even though his words were comforting, I found myself sobbing uncontrollably.

Before I knew it, I was locked in the bathroom having a freak out. I bawled my eyes out, furious that I couldn’t handle the pressure of the job. I was furious at myself for admitting that I couldn’t do it. I fell short of my expectations for myself and it was a very bitter pill for me to swallow.

Speaking of pills, I blame my birth control partly for my insanity.

I noticed that my depression has worsened using the nexplanon implant I have. I am constantly bloated and fat and can’t fit into any of my pants. A co-worker of mine asked me if I was pregnant on a day I wore a dress I usually love. My other co-worker Sara admitted the dress gave me a pooch, and I felt so uncomfortable.

I’ve been uncomfortable for quite some time now. I feel crazier then ever because I started taking my depression pills to counteract the effect of the implant, but couldn’t keep it up like I never can and started taking them more sporadically, and then not at all. My brain chemistry has been fucked up.

Worse than that, my sex drive has been like -10. Of course birth control works, it makes sex seem like the most annoying chore in the world. I’ve barely felt any passion or longing for Jake in some time. And I know that’s not me, I know I love him and want him that way. I’m not falling out of love with him, I’ve just lost all interest in sex and the mechanics of it. I get annoyed, and more than that, I feel ashamed of my body. I never want to share my body, I am sick of my body.

I have determined that after my wedding, I am going to have my implant removed. I might have pain in the middle of every month, but I have to ask myself if all these other symptoms are worth the trouble I am having. I can’t stand to watch my body expand more, gain more weight. Because let’s face it, I’m not getting up and exercising to get rid of it- that’s not me >__>

I feel like maybe my mind will be better once I’m off of it, too. Maybe I have been so anxious and nervous lately because my brain chemistry is off. I wonder if it has affected my performance at my job….. Speaking of the job, the news my boss gave me yesterday was wonderful!!

People will think I am upset, but I DID NOT get the job. FUCKING HELL YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!! I wanted to pump my fist in the air when she told me. As I have said, she was nervous at first to tell me the news. She never knew how much I dreaded it. I saved face. And she had a number of kind things to say to me. I felt mollified, and assured her that we were on the same page. I wasn’t upset. I am not upset. Thank God, I do not have to deal with that headache or change my life. I get to keep staying on the PM shift, which is really the chief thing I was worried about. I didn’t want to change my schedule and my life for the job. I HATE MORNINGS. I can’t be a responsible adult and work a 9-5. FUCKING TORTURE! I am so glad I dodged that bullet.

To celebrate, watch this music video. It makes me smile like no other.

Buh-bye, TTFN