Never Go To Bed Angry

*Trigger warning for suicidal thoughts* Continue reading

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Addictions and What Like

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Jake and I have been watching the show Shameless on Netflix lately. At first, I found the show to be entertaining- somehow making light of alcoholism and the myriad of other dysfunctions that are going on in the show. It made it seem funny somehow, when really it is just so fucking overwhelming.

The last episode that we watched together, I found my anxiety spiking. When I talked to my friend Latta about the show he told me the show actually stressed him out to watch and suddenly I felt the same way. The episode hit a little too close to home.

Frank the protagonist’s mother gets out of jail. She has been serving a 12 year stretch for meth and drug charges, been released on medical leave an old mean woman. Frank hates her as much as she bullies him and makes him take care of her personal hygiene and the like when she gets out. She’s old and decrepit and it is stated that she should be in a hospice.

She comes into some money that she exhorts out of her old business partner. Having been missing from her grandchildren’s lives growing up, she starts buying them gifts which wins her their affections. The two youngest children get spoiled and love her for it. She takes the youngest kid Carl and decides “let’s teach you a skill.”

In which she meant she was going to teach him how to make a meth lab. -___- In their attempts to get things started, the lab blows up and Fiona the oldest daughter and caregiver of the family banishes Frank’s mother from their home.

Frank’s mother is dying of pancreatic cancer. Frank responds to this by stealing her pain medication and disappearing. He leaves his mother with his girlfriend, Sheila. Sheila has publicly gone on record stating how much she hates this woman, yet in the face of her disease she starts to soften towards the older lady. With the help of her daughter’s ex, she takes care of Frank’s mom until she expressed the desire to kill herself.

Fiona the caregiver had out Frank’s mother in time out, she said. The kids weren’t allowed to go and see her. The grandma is mad that the children don’t come to see her. It seems like she is shameless like the show suggests because she doesn’t seem to think anything of her behavior; i.e. nearly getting a 10 year old killed in a meth lab explosion.

She doesn’t have any reason to live, no one wants her. Her son (Frank) hates her and doesn’t want to take care of her. Her grandchildren aren’t allowed to see her. She is already in a lot of pain. She asks Sheila to help her end her life, and Sheila obliges.

I had to change to something else to watch after that episode. The way the Grandma felt and the pity I felt for her unsettled me so much. It made me think about my own mother, a guilty feeling curling in my gut.

I never see my mother if I can help it. Her addiction and the people she spends time with make me stay away. I don’t feel safe when I go to her house, my childhood home. She must feel as lonely as the Grandma did, and it hurts me to think. She makes me stay away, she could be different, but she won’t be. I hate having to draw the line and never see her. Our family was never like that, and yet here I am. Alienating myself from her, because it’s easier than watching her suffer.

She suffers and there’s nothing I can do to change her behavior. She has to make the decision, but she hasn’t. She makes me stay away. She doesn’t want me around, or she would change. I know it’s impossible… I couldn’t do anything for Joshua either. They have to make these decisions on their own, and mom isn’t ready to. I can’t make her get a job, I can’t make her stop.

I want to be around her. I want not to be stressed out every time she calls asking for something. I want to be able to talk to her without feeling upset. She makes me feel so guilty, like if I could love her harder it would make a difference. But it wouldn’t, and it’s a hard pill for me to swallow. She keeps me away. I hate her for it. But they do say hate is love twisted, it’s that depth of feeling I can’t escape. I wouldn’t want to escape, I just wish she could make things easier. I wish loving her wasn’t so hard.

Loving my father is complicated, too. I value his love, but I hate his lifestyle. I can’t be around or even talk to him. He’s been living in a half way house and he and my mother have reconnected again. She gets to spend a few hours a day with him. And are they looking for a job for him to maintain his status at the half way house? No sireebob. (Who was surprised by that?)

As much as I dislike my father, I’m happy my mom is happy. They are a stupid couple that makes no sense. They both have too much pride to be together. They’re both too head strong. For their relationship to work properly, they’d both have to be different people. I don’t know how, but they somehow make it work even though they’re fighting all the time. They have a very on-again-off-again kind of relationship. It’s hard for me to keep up.

I am dreading December. My dad will get out of the half way house around then, and come back to live with my mom. They are talking about getting married. I would be thrilled if my mother got married, as much as I don’t like him. He loves me, maybe he’ll grow on me. Then she would be his problem. I never know what to do about them, besides hold them at arm’s length.

13 Reasons Why Review

WARNING: *CONTAINS SPOILERS!* TURN BACK NOW IF YOU HAVEN’T FINISHED THE SERIES.

I just recently finished binge-watching this new popular show on Netflix. The story sucks you in. It’s about Hannah Baker the teenager committing suicide. Instead of leaving a suicide note she leaves 13 tapes explaining why she killed herself. Which is pretty twisted, when you think about it. Saw some lists online like this, and decided to make my own.

Characters listed from worst to least awful for their moral failings:

  1. Bryce
  2. The counselor
  3. Courtney
  4. Tyler
  5. Justin
  6. Jessica
  7. Alex
  8. Marcus
  9. Zach
  10. Ryan
  11. Sheri
  12. Clay

It’s obvious why Bryce was selected for the worst human being ever award. I put the counselor as second worst because to me, he was paid to help these kids. It was his job to ensure she got proper help, and he was the only adult in the equation who could have prevented it. In my eyes, he’s more responsible because of this.

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It was a toss up between Courtney and Tyler for the next worst individuals. I decided Courtney was the worst of the two because she went to even greater lengths to damage Hannah’s reputation. Tyler circulated the picture that not only ruined her reputation further, but also invaded her privacy and made her feel not safe.

But Courtney was adamant that Hannah was lying and very vindictive. She spread more rumors about Hannah and even defended Bryce at one point. She was unbelievable to me, and I hated her worst than Tyler.

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Justin was someone I didn’t expect to feel so much sympathy for. His actions are arguably what started Hannah down her path, but I listed him further down the list. He didn’t seem as vindictive as the two I just mentioned- he lied about what he did with her, but it wasn’t him who actually sent the picture around to everyone. My heart bled for him later in the story when we saw what his home life was like.  I even felt terribly sorry for him when the Bryce/Jessica rape happened. He did try to stop it, to his credit. It was an impossible situation for him.

I almost put Marcus ahead of Jessica and Alex. He publicly humiliated Hannah, but then so did Jessica when she slapped Hannah. Not only did she slap Hannah, she effectively ended their friendship. I think Alex and Jessica’s betrayals were worse than what Marcus did because they were supposed to be her old friends. Marcus was just being a big dumb ass who didn’t know her beyond the rumors.

I ultimately put Jessica before Alex because she was a worse friend than him. He made a stupid list. I didn’t think he should have killed himself over it, when other people on the list fucked Hannah over in much bigger ways. Jessica was a worst friend in my book because she believed all the rumors rather than talking it out with her old friend. She went on the offensive and humiliated her instead, also hurting her feelings since they’d once been close.

It was hard for me to decide who was worse between Zach and Ryan. Everything they did to Hannah was behind closed doors. I ultimately decided that Zach was being more cruel and petty than anything. If I were Hannah, I would have a harder time forgiving Zach over Ryan. Ryan published her poem without her consent, but it was almost like a compliment if you listened to him talk about it. He didn’t feel bad about it, he was just sharing art with the world.

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Sherri is someone I didn’t feel deserved to be on the list, either, like Clay. Yes, she was responsible for the death of a classmate, but it’s not like she set out to ruin people’s lives. If I were in her shoes, I might have done the same thing- ran off, that is. I don’t know about leaving Hannah behind. She started off by being nice to Hannah, offering to give her a ride. She wasn’t malicious at all, and was even trying to redeem herself in her own way by volunteering with the elderly couple. I liked her. I was glad when she came clean.

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And of course Clay is on the bottom of the list! Clay is just an adorable fucking teddy bear every girl would love to hug and squeeze. My heart broke for him when he listened to his tape. That and the last episode when he spoke to the counselor about Hannah’s last moments had me crying!!! One thing I will say for him, I admired him going after everyone on the tape and fucking with them somehow, kind of in Hannah’s memory. I felt so bad for him, how difficult it was for him to get through all of the tapes.

My thoughts on Hannah’s tapes:

I was at first shocked how people said they hated Hannah. Why?? She had so much bad stuff happen to her, I wondered. But then when you think about it, the sole purpose of leaving all of these tapes would be to fuck up all the individual’s lives. It’s very perverse to have such an effect on people after your death, to still be able to point fingers beyond the grave.

Some of the people were fucked forever after those tapes. I felt very bad for Alex and Sheri and Clay all being on the list. I even felt bad for Jessica, who learned something she didn’t know about herself because of the tapes.

I don’t blame her for what happened in the room when she was hiding. Maybe she felt like she failed Jessica as a friend… and I guess she did. She could have said something, jumped out of the closet– but then what, become his next victim? It was cowardly of her to hide and let it happen, but better Jessica than herself, right? She obviously got her own. She paid for her mistake. If she had tried harder to get Jessica to remember and throw Bryce in jail, maybe they could have prevented what happened to her.

Favorite character: Would be Clay, but honorable mention-

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Tony! The sherpa up the mountain of kindness. Too cool to be true. I think he made the right call in the end releasing the tapes to Hannah’s parents. It was a huge secret to keep, being the keeper of all the tapes. I also admired him very much for refusing to let Clay be alone when he heard his tape. He acted like a real true friend, and I loved him for how protective he was over Clay. I will admit, I got those fangirl feelings for him lol

Extra Tony goodness:

Ciao!

random thoughts

this is like watching a trainwreck happen O_O

I’m watching the Sopranos and I’m on season 3. Tony just started dating the Trillo girl, and I already know how it ends. I’ve watched the series previously with my mother, just not necessarily all the episodes in order. I saw episodes here and there. These latest episodes contain the very flirty, sexy relationship between Tony and the Trillo girl.

I can see what a horrific standpoint Dr. Melfi the therapist is having to deal with. She totally recognized Tony’s voice over the phone, she knows it when she hears it. She heard Anthony with the Trillo girl when she canceled her appointment. Melfi wanted to confront Trillo right off the bat about it because obviously a relationship as Tony’s goomar could only end in sadness. Gloria Trillo was in therapy because of an attempted suicide after her last relationship.

Dr. Melfi wanted to help her right off the bat. She was worried because she knew where this was going already. And instead Trillo doomed herself by knowing Tony. But their relationship is so sexy, I can see how it would be hard to resist even though you know you’re heading for a crash. Their relationship and Gloria herself are downright sensual, and it’s no wonder Tony wanted her so bad. It’s like watching a flame of passion at it’s highest point, knowing that it will go out very soon.

That’s the thing about us crazy girls. We’re super fun and pretty in the beginning and gee, ain’t I nice. I’m like perfect for the first bit that you know me, but as soon as you know me more, there’s less to like. Suddenly I’m not mysterious and sexy anymore, I become normal and have imperfections. I’m lazy and can’t clean a dish to save my life. You notice my room is in disarray. When you get a closer look, I’m no longer sexy, just broken and weird. Looking for Love. Please, just take me as I am.

Gloria takes her own life after she and Tony stop seeing each other. I’m watching this on pins and needles. Geez, good TV.

Pause for Death

Hit the pause button on life when you hear the news.

I had to get into my car and call my co-worker Jackie back. I had a bad feeling about my other co-worker, Katie. Her mother had called around lunch time. I was sorry to tell her when she inquired if we had seen Katie… I had to tell her Katie hadn’t shown up for her shift two days in a row. It was very unlike her to go a no-call no-show. Her night manager that worked with her most often diligently tried to get a hold of her, and wondered incessantly what could have happened to her since all her calls went to voicemail.

Katie’s mothers voice shook when I told her news, and she started to cry on the phone. I told her to give me her number and we’d call her if we heard anything. She hung up, and later that evening after I already left the office… Jackie called to tell me they found her. She had committed suicide at her apartment.

Kerry her night manager told me he wondered if he was the last one to see her alive. She was such a bright, wonderful human being. The world will surely mourn the loss of her kind and genuinely good spirit. The other night time workers had a nickname for her “Giggles” because she was just an infectiously nice and chipper person, even when she was dog-tired. Katie worked really hard. She worked at a library besides working overnights with us and she also went to school. She fostered at least two dogs and was a really nice girl. I felt my own sorrow at her loss because I am the one that hired her. I was involved with her from the start, plucked her resume from the pile and was the one to interview her. I decided I liked her instantly and saw her potential and she reminded me of a girl who could be part of my girly crowd. She seemed nerdy, and cool, and she definitely turned out to be. We talked about Netflix series we both watched, and she was such a good person. I’m very sad that the world had to lose her. 

Rest in Peace Katie, I’m sorry… if just one helping hand extended to her would have mattered. I wish that just one person could have spoke to her and told her how much we would all miss her if she did what she did. I don’t hold it against her, if it was so hard, I am sorry… I wish I could have lessened your burden or actually took the time to befriend you enough to help.