Tag: therapy

Is my life determined to be ironic at all times?

The things you care about matter. The things you enjoy and are passionate about are important because they are your passion.

Every time I turn around, I notice things about kids. I can’t stop thinking about it. I saw this trailer for a movie and I can’t wait to see it. It wrung my heart- it is exactly what I want to do.

Everyone wants to adopt a baby. No one wants to show a seven year old love. They all the want the little kids. I just want to foster a young boy, maybe brothers if we’re lucky. Will I ever have that?

My girlfriend asked me what that means for my relationship if my husband ultimately doesn’t want children. I both love and hate the idea. The present me loves it because he wishes to care for me and only me in the future. He doesn’t want to share my attention with children. He wants it to just be us.

I am both impatient with and understand the desire to wait to have children. We have time. It’s a life long commitment, and maybe we’re not there yet truthfully. Jake and I’s second anniversary rolled around recently and I get the feeling his feelings are cooled somewhat from times past. Our sex life isn’t the best, so therefore I am not as lovable.  One of my other girlfriends commented that my relationship relies entirely upon my pussy’s health. She wasn’t kidding. It sucks to know hard truths, but a true friend tells them. The bad thing is I’m not always healthy.

I am physically unavailable, and he is emotionally unavailable. We both struggle with some of the same problems but he seems determined to ignore those problems. I have a desire to work the 12 step program and have him participate, also. It’s therapeutic and perhaps we would gain closure in may ways, both together and separately. We both suffer from B.E.D. and we could understand our reasons why maybe if we worked together.

I had the audacity to make this suggestion and my husband resented it horribly. He hated to confront hard truths. He would rather not discuss that which he isn’t willing to examine more closely. The more detailed questions I asked, the more unsettled he became. That will teach me a lesson about trying to therapize my husband without his knowledge.  He does not place nice with others sometimes. He can be a mean, snapping bulldog from time to time. Quite vicious and unyielding. He would never raise a hand to me, but I can remember thinking the same thing about my mother.

Sometimes I ignore how my mother treated me in my past. Not living under the same roof makes me more forgiving. But in reading the book I am getting together, I can’t help but remember how alienated she made me feel. We used to fight and shout with each other. We shoved each other, I ran away from home. I lived out of my car to avoid her. I became an alcoholic without her love. Lost and yearning for a mother figure who didn’t try to make me look incompetent and stupid at every turn. Someone who valued me and wanted nothing from me.

My therapist made a poignant point to me one time. She said it made sense that I liked participating in my husband’s version of microscopic love. My fathers never paid me any attention, and now I had a man that was utterly interested in my every coming and going. I liked the attention to detail. I liked being controlled. I liked being paid strict attention, even when I chaffed against it. I tested his love. It reminds me of a favorite passage from my favorite book:

On the whole, this person with the sunburst on his boots remained cranky and disagreeable in his behavior toward the little blond runt. He realized it, too. Joe knew good and well he had become a pain in the neck, and what’s more he was none too concerned about it. But there was a reason for his unconcern; He was happy.

For the first time in his life, he felt himself released from the necessity of grinning and posturing and yearning for the attention of others. Nowadays he had, in the person of Ratso Rizzo, someone who needed his presence in an urgent, almost frantic way that was a balm to something in him that had long been exposed and enflamed and itching to be soothed. God alone knew how or why, but he had somehow actually stumbled upon a creature who seemed to worship him. Joe Buck had never before known such power and was therefore ill equipped to administer it. All he could do was taste it over and over again like a sugar starved child on a mountain of candy: cuss and frown and complain and bitch, and watch Ratso take it. For that is the way in which power is usually tasted; in the abuse of it. It was delicious and sickening and he couldn’t stop himself. The only thing the runt seemed to demand was the privilege of occupying whatever space he could find in the tall cowboy’s shadow. And casting such a shadow had become Joe Buck’s special pleasure. 

We made it through all the uncertainty. I became used to his law. We are both reflections of the other in many ways. We have dealt with similar things in our lives. He has cared for a physically disabled person in the past as I have. He has cared for and provided for younger siblings and girls especially. We both dealt with an addict parent in our lives. We have both dated addicts in our past and tried to help or change them. We have both suffered from codependency issues, and yet we jumped in feet first with each other anyway.

I read once, “You attract what you are, not what you want. So who are you being?”

Birds of a feather flock together.

Like begets liking.

I have realized that my past partners and I all had things in common. The over arching theme is depression and anxiety of some sort. I attract sad, anxious people because I am sad little monster living in a sick, sad world.

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Review of House MD

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I was an avid fan of House MD back when I was in my early twenties. The year I broke up with my boyfriend was 2010- I binge watched the show like a mother fucker. The show kept me sane while I dealt with my breakup. It took my mind off of my misery. I swear I watched all the episodes a million times…..

Until I reached season 8.

Although really, things started to turn sour for me in season 7. As much as I absolutely loved House and Cuddy FINALLY getting together…. the decision was bad for the show. The quality of the episodes went way down. Especially that stupid dream sequence episode, I hated that one….

Fast forward to season 8. I watched all the way up until Thirteen made a reappearance. After that, I simply stopped watching. I continued to not watch the show for years. Then recently, I got a hankering to watch season 4. Season 4 is one of my favorite seasons- mainly because of all the new characters. Kutner, Thirteen, Amber, and Taub are all really fun to watch in the competition.

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I started re-watching the series from season 4 on. That is how I got back into House MD. I finally watched ALL of season 8. To say the least, SHOW REDEEMED! I was so fucking upset about Wilson. NOT MY WILSON!!! He was so sweet throughout the whole show. It was like the ultimate middle finger for the oncologist to finally contract the killing cancer. I thought it was majorly dramatic and ironic that he wasn’t willing to do the treatments to prolong his life after counselling so many through the difficult decision.

House’s reaction to his friend’s decision was GREAT TV! It was so House, the way he tried so many different ways to manipulate Wilson into sticking around for his sake.

Thoughts on Series Finale:

  • Foreman trying to be House’s substitute friend was nice
  • If Chase was still around, he would have been running around with Foreman & Wilson trying to find House
  • I liked Kutner making a reappearance
  • I loved Amber fighting with House
  • I chuckled evilly when I saw Cameron was playing the part of The Angel of Death
  • I could have done without Stacy
  • Wish Cuddy would have appeared in his suicide visions instead of her
  • Cuddy should have been at the funeral
  • The moment when they all think he is dead- GUT WRENCHING!
  • The funeral scene was silly how more people didn’t call him an ass- only Wilson had the balls to call it like it really was!
  • I loved it when Foreman realized what House actually did
  • Wilson, for the love of God, please shave that mustache!!!

Other Finale I loved-

House’s Head

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Second Favorite Season: 6

Why? I liked all the therapy.

Least Favorite New Girl

Masters
Adams
Park

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Masters was a special kind of annoying. She really grated on my nerves. I wasn’t pleased with her addition to the show. I did stop watching during her arc and was so grateful when I came back to the series to find her gone. Score!

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As for Adams and Park, Park is clearly the more annoying of the two. Adams is almost like a revamped Cameron- pretty girl working her diagnostic ass off. Just a less screwed up version, still has the same bleeding heart.

Although Park is annoying, I kind of find her endearing. I think she’s hilarious with her awkwardness. Her nerdiness is appreciated, but god, that hair…… I like how decisive she is and how she didn’t let House pull her into crazy stunts in her first interactions with him. She has balls, and she stands up for herself when it matters. She’s more well rounded than Adams character, who is not really as flushed out considering.

So yeah, Masters was definitely the worst.

Shadow Work

I read some advice recently online about eating disorders. I’ve been avoiding doing the task they set before me. You make a list of your roles, and what you are doing to further those roles right now. Then, you make a list of how you can improve those roles. It’s an exercise to see where your disappointments lay- you are supposed to recognize the areas of your life that need work and start focusing accordingly.

Daughter
Things I Do Now: Calling my mother everyday, skipping out of work early one day a week to spend time with mom, spending days off with her

What I envision: Call her every day, spend occasional off days with her, go over to her house more often i.e. visits after work, perform an intervention for her, help her to get a job

Family Member
Things I Do Now: Barely anything, only focus on my mother.

What I envision: Once a month meetings with Joe’s family, summer plans with extended family, getting to see Rob over the summer, call my aunt rob and Grandpa more often, call Joe and Austin more often, go over to Joe’s house with Jake for fight nights, float the river family trip, go on summer trip with Jake’s family, spend more time with Jake’s cousin Korey and his wife, visit my Grandpa at work randomly and take him snacks

Individual
Things I Do Now: Masturbating, writing, working on art project, browsing social media websites, overeating, binging and purging

What I envision: Go outside more often, go to parks more often, visit the Memorial more often, go places on my days off, work out, lose weight, control eating habits, go to therapy, get myriad of medical issues checked out

Spiritual/Cultural
Things I Do Now: Carry a medicine bag, listen to A Tribe Called Red, listen to Native American drums and flutes, smudging the house, praying outside under the sky

What I envision: Going to powwow every year, listening to Medicine Men chanting/DELTA wave music to relax recreationally around the house, praying and smudging more often, learn Spanish

Business
Things I Do Now: Non confrontational, lazy, unfocused, half assed

What I envision: Well organized, smaller department, becoming Front Office Manager of a Residence Inn, Springhill Suites, other limited service Marriott hotel, ultimately ending up a writer (short novel or magazine editor), become the next JK Rowling, have to spend a lot more time invested in my writing

Wife
Things I Do Now: Withhold sex, always admit I am wrong and he is right, let him have his way even when he’s being a brat, let him treat me like shit, not close intimately, doesn’t want to hear my inner most thoughts, uncaring of my feelings, controlling, posessive

What I envision: Him settling with a lesser sex life than he wants, him treating me with respect and love, him being emotionally present in the relationship, eating meals at a kitchen table without TV or computer, just talking. More adventurous sex. More willingness to take me on dates and say nice things to me. Touches me involuntarily. More opportunities to dress up, double dates, making friends. More open minded, less neurosis.

Potential Parent
Things I Do Now: Nothing

What I envision: Save money for a house, quit drugs to pass inspections to get foster kids, lose weight to have a biological kid, convince husband to get his vasectomy reversed, get a better job to afford kids, work a 9-5 job for kids

Friend
Things I Do Now: Call Katie every time I have a freak out

What I envision: Monthly meetings with Christina and Katie, more whenever meetings with Katie, call Katie just to check up on HER, call Elizabeth and Veronica more often, get back in touch with Melanie, wine and paint parties, exercise budy with Sara, become friends with Whitney and Leslie

Recovering Addict
Things I Do Now: 12 Step Al-Anon work

What I envision: Going to al-anon meetings, finding a sponsor, completing the steps, feeling better about myself, cope with my emotions better


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I mention this because I have been contemplating My List Inspired by My Name is Earl. I have a whole subsection of my list that deals with cheating on various individuals. Plus, cheating is an interesting topic in my family.

My Grandpa is a chronic philanderer. My aunt was a serial cheater. My uncle cheated, also. My other uncle slept with married women. My mother sleeps with a married man. My mother cheated on my dad. My dad cheated on my mother. It’s a morally gray area in our family. My Granny was the best person who ever lived, but miraculously enough the person I love most next is the person who hurt her the most. What a bizarre turn of events for our family. My friends have often said that my life could be a soap opera.

I don’t think cheating is okay. I did it, though. The first time I cheated, I cheated on a crush with my ex. We were dating verging on girlfriend-boyfriend material when I signed that relationship’s death warrant by sleeping with my ex whom I was still radically in love with at the time.

The person I feel the worst about cheating on though is not him. It’s Hakim. He was the most stable relationship I ever had in my life. We didn’t have to see each other or talk everyday. I wasn’t addicted to weed back then. Things were just starting to get bad with my mom back then.

I cheated on Hakim because he had a spectacular cock he would not share with me. At the time I didn’t understand, but now I do- he was depressed. His libido was in the dumps. He often had existential crises. I feel so stupid that I didn’t see it, then. I didn’t appreciate him for the gentle soul he was. We were kindred spirits but I could only think with my clit. I wasn’t getting the attention I wanted- so I went out and found it elsewhere.

The first person I cheated on him with was my ex. I knew my ex had smoke and knew how to touch me like I craved. So I went to him again, a couple of different times. I wasn’t in love with my ex anymore by this point- we had become the best of friends with benefits. We fucked but we never kissed anymore.

The next time was a random stranger. We saw each other regularly since he worked at the store around the corner from my mother’s house. He liked me, I liked him. He had a girlfriend and a baby, and I didn’t care to learn their names. He likewise wasn’t interested in knowing me. We just groped in the car and store sometimes until it all culminated one night.

We had a quickie behind my mother’s house in her apartment. We fumbled around in the dark until he came and left me feeling unsatisfied. He suddenly remembered he had someplace to be and what’s worse was I was his ride. I never saw him again after that.

But I did see the neighbor boy Daniel, back from over seas. He drunkenly invited me over to his house in the middle of the night later that night. He never knew that I had been with someone that same night- we did it in his den, the room we grew up playing together in as kids at his house. He struggled to keep his tiny dick up and ended up fingering me to completion. It was our second and last time together, first time sober.

The fourth person was my best friend. Our relationship heated up and it was impossible to deny the mutual attraction any longer. It didn’t feel wrong because I loved her so much. He liked her, too. Never suspected a thing, and didn’t hold it against me when I admitted I had feelings for her. He still sought me out later on down the line despite knowing I had emotionally cheated on him. I did not outright admit that I cheated physically.

After An Affair: Are You Wracked With Guilt After Cheating?

I read this article about cheating. It’s hard to find articles from the other side- the person who cheated and feels guilty. It made a lot of stupid points in my opinion. “Recognize that the bad person who did this deed, also does good things for you. Recognize that while you did wrong the person you cheated on, they got something out of you cheating on them.”

For example, I cheated on Hakim and broke up with him. He had other opportunities to find a girl who wouldn’t cheat on him and who would understand him better by not being with me. He’s a fool for never knowing how bad I was- Am I bad a person for never admitting the truth?

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In Al-Anon, the steps say:

Made direct amends to [people we have harmed] wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others

To even dream of coming clean to Hakim is impossible to think. This is surely what cases like this were made for- revealing that you cheated is selfish! haha~!

Is it, though? Am I as bad as the rest of my family?

Are things better when people don’t know? If a tree falls with no around to hear, does it make a sound? If you got away with it, and they were none the wiser, how is revealing your short comings supposed to make them feel better? Or me?

I guess some people think, “They deserve to know.” But knowing sure is ugly. It ripped my Grandma apart. I will never forget the time she informed me she tried to get medical benefits through her husband’s job, and he had listed himself as a single man. I can still remember the hurt look on her face.

My Aunt has done a fine good job of telling people her misdeeds. It is no wonder her husband finally went cuckoo. As I said, she is a serial cheater and has had many relationships outside her marriage in the past years. She is quite frankly a sensual and down to earth woman. Most people would call her a whore but I was settle for promiscuous. I admired her sometimes, she talked to me like a friend. She liked trading bawdy stories back and forth about our conquests. Her children knew all about her relationships and called them Uncle. Her boyfriends dined at their dinner table with the whole family, under the guise of a family friend. One time Rob told me about a time her husband asked her, “But won’t they all know?

You mean how we HAVE KNOWN FOR YEARS?

The humiliation, I cannot imagine. I find it difficult to imagine a scenario in which I could be like Hillary and accept Bill Clinton’s actions. I know it was a terrible thing for me to do, but I was being young and free. I wasn’t the one who was married. Cheating before marriage is somehow less worse. I was having fun, being young, wild, and free.

Short term lesson: Short flings are more acceptable form of cheating, whereas drawn out emotional relationships with another person are particularly damaging. I saw an article recently on the web that talked about that- how women are in fact less angry about cheating that is just about sex than about EMOTIONAL cheating with another woman.

I have to think about these things because my life is weird. I chose an unusual member of society to marry. I have dated more than just one man that has had threesomes before. My husband happens to be one of them. He was in a poly-amorous relationship in his twenties for a while. He dated and lived with two women simultaneously. They were a thrupple.

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thrupple
noun. a three-way sexual relationship with three partners.

-“When two just isn’t enough!”

My husband has expressed a desire to follow this life style again. He feels dissatisfied with our sex life for a couple of different reasons. Some of his reasons aren’t so stupid, though. He insists that he knows I want to be with a woman. I can’t lie and say that’s not true.

He has found someone that he desires, and he’s asked if I want to meet her. But this is ALL WRONG for me. Not the thrupple- I am actually not too horribly against the idea of adding a third person to the relationship. It’s just that Jacob and I have different visions.

First of all, I would rather be the one to pick the person. I want someone who is ideally more interested in me than my husband. I’d rather him be an accessory piece to any lesbian action. I’d prefer him not to fuck or kiss her. He can do things with me- which makes me suspect that I am truly too jealous in nature to allow a sister wife.

I will be the first to admit I am insecure.

“All I told them is everything they wanted to know!”
-Deadpool 2

I don’t want anyone to take my husband from me. I don’t want him to be interested in anyone else just yet. I thought we could go years before we would have to add a third person.

I want us to have a solid foundation. And at this time, we just don’t. I don’t have the confidence in our relationship and his treatment of me to allow him a sister wife. If he treated me more respectfully, perhaps we could bargain in some way, but he hasn’t shown that side of himself in quite some time.

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I’m not a PRUDE! I wanted to live polyamorously with my bff. I loved her and my first boyfriend equally, but she wasn’t down for him in any way. She was all about me. The thrupple that I am seeking is different than this domestic vibe my husband is trying to coin.

I want a third person to make our lives more exciting! I expect with two of us, I could force Jake to do much more fun and adventurous things. We would go on dates together. But I don’t want her to live with us- I imagine this radically ideal free-loving spirit kind of woman. I’m not saying she’s a slut, just that she loves who feels right. My husband does not like the idea of her not being beholden to us, though. I want something more casual to start out and he wants like this big commitment right away. We’re not seeing eye to eye. Well, in most ways. We both want me to have a girlfriend, lol.

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Lacy, the Lady in Charge (Behind the Scenes)

Image result for lady bossThings have been hectic for me lately. I’ve been suffering from a pretty strong bout of brain fog. (Read more) Sounds like a funky excuse, but it’s more common than you think!

I’ve been experiencing some uncomfortable health issues and depression has been a side effect. The other day at work, my co-worker Dottie observed that I’ve been off the last couple of days, and I found myself admitting to her how I find it really difficult to get out of bed. Or at least, that was the case last week. I could barely peel myself out in time to get to work and showed up sloppy, hair not combed or simple things like forgetting my makeup.

I’ve been trying to do better and Jake has had a schedule change recently which has changed my sleeping patterns. He’s getting a new job soon! He starts next week as a pharmacy technician at Mercy hospital. I couldn’t be more proud. This is what we have been striving for, and the money is surely appreciated.

While I have been experiencing strong depression, don’t be mistaken about my married life. I am actually still ecstatic regarding my feelings and our marriage. We’ve been tested early on but I feel we met many compromises to see ourselves through our hardships. Being married is like finding a blessed island in the middle of a turbulent ocean, a sanctuary in the middle of a thrashing sea. I feel utterly safe and comforted, completely accepted and loved. We have been joined now and I always feels this connection between us, even when things are hard.

I’ve been wanting to seek counseling for some time now. I’ve failed to actually seek it out because I’m looking for a specific kind of therapist. I went to a younger therapist once and didn’t enjoy the experience. When I was a young kid, I was the teacher’s pet and would stay after school to chat with the older ladies. They were funny and wise, and with my Grandma missing in my life, I find myself seeking the attention of an older woman rather than a younger one.

I know it would help me a lot to seek counseling again. I have a lot of vices I’d like to discuss with someone objective. I find myself wanting to talk about my family affairs because they’re so stupid and complicated. My relationships with my mother and father are agonizing to me most of the time, and I think of them frequently though I don’t give them the satisfaction of knowing that. I’m punishing them by not talking to them. It backfires on me every time because I miss talking to them, but they friggin’ kill me so I seem to always repeat the process once I break the silence to assure myself they’re still alive and kicking. Resume resentment and sour feelings of emotional abandonment.

So as you might think, I don’t always have my shit together. Particularly, at work!! 😦 I have been stressed beyond a breaking point lately and just let a whole lot of shit slide. That’s why I’m not particularly proud to be running things. I can’t even run things in my own life. I am always forgetting to do important things for myself. I have trouble taking care of myself. I therefore have trouble managing a team of girls. I like to take a step back and just let things run on auto pilot.

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I’ve become very disappointed in my work ethic. I just don’t have the energy or will power to as well as I would like to up at my job. I want to think of the guests as nice people who help keep me in a job but mostly I feel like they’re nuisances. I’ve been stretched emotionally lately and just talking to people stresses me out. Of course, that makes doing my job well impossible. My anxiety has just been going haywire lately. Social anxiety has me dipping out of work early some nights, or otherwise praying and hoping my associates will want to go home early so I can get some solitude. I just find people talking to me very distracting and agitating. So often I just wish people, the guests and my co-workers alike, would just LEAVE. ME. ALONE.

I’m trying to work past these feelings. I try to curtail my anxiety by sitting down to work on projects in the back and let them do the check in work for the most part. I get anxiety when Chelsea sits down in the back and I am in the front. I resent doing more of the work, when I have more important things to do. I am trying to do better though, to smile and to have them be genuine rather than forced.

At work, my boss is still absent. She has been out sick since before my wedding. Since she was hired in July, she has probably worked a total of one month- and that is being generous. No one knows what ails her. She has a serious illness maybe cancer and is no longer ambulatory. She has to get around in a wheelchair when she is not in the hospital. We are in some limbo no-man’s land just waiting for the legal period to pass in which we can replace her. I have to last at least another month, mid way through November it sounded like to me. *HUFF*

I keep asking myself if I can hack this. I get so stressed out. When I think about what would make me happy and soothe my anxiety, it makes me sound so unambitious. Honestly, I would love to get hired on as a night audit manager overnight somewhere. I find the night time shift less stressful because you do not encounter as many people. But to take less money just to have less stress is going the wrong way in my career.

Speaking of my career, this experience has left me questioning my abilities. It is very nerve racking to have the job I always wanted (front office manager) and to absolutely fucking hate it. I feel overwhelmed constantly and a pressure to make everything run as smoothly as possible. I run around like a chicken with it’s head cut off instead, and feel like I’m doing a terrible job at everything I try to do.

I think it’s possible just because of my personal issues to be having troubles. I might not hate this job as much when I am mentally doing well and prepared for it. They say I should cut myself some slack more often, so here are some contributing factors to why I hate things so much right now:

A) I do not have an assistant to share the load
B) Expectations have not been clear on my manager’s part

CAN I MAKE IT?

The Lady in Red is a Lie

On the outside:

lady

On the inside:

Affirmations

I care about myself.
My body and my mind are important to me.
I will make better, healthier decisions on my own behalf.

I will practice mindfulness and gratitude each day.

I deserve my own self-care. If I don’t take care of myself, how can anyone else rely on me to help take care of them?

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My life to me seems like one of the sad indie movies only I would appreciate. Filled with melancholy, a person confused and just messing everything up. I find myself thinking of my artist days when I was younger. I loved being a part of an artistic community and attending weekly poetry readings. We were just a bunch of reckless freaks trying to express ourselves. We might fuck everything up, but at least we were free to make our own mistakes and write about them later.

I miss expressing myself more often. I used to draw and write and journal a lot. I miss that part of myself. I just don’t have the quiet in my mind to accomplish it half of the time. I feel so weird and misunderstood. Sometimes Jake gets angry at me, offended at my sadness for no apparent reason. He thinks there’s something wrong with him, that I’m somehow not satisfied, and I have to tell him over and over again it’s not about him.

I’ll be 26 in little under two days. That was always my scary age as a young 20 something. I used to always figure- I should be established in my career by that point in my life. I should have found the man I want to be with the rest of my life, be getting married. I should be able to take care of myself and function as an adult, be independent.

It seems like everything is on track. To the naked eye, looking at me, it would seem I have those things I have wished for. Latta my boss is almost one foot out the door at my current job and I am devoted to Jacob and will become his wife in less than two months (!!!)

But still yet, when I am alone or at my home, I am a failure in my own skin. I am filled with angst and woe. I worry that I don’t show enough caring for my ailing mother, that my Grandma would be ashamed to see my lack of involvement in her life. Simple things overwhelm me, and I find it difficult to get dressed and leave the house. I don’t talk to any of my would-be friends.

Lately, I’ve been feeling a dampening in my spirits. Everyday I don’t write or meditate, my mind is a jumbled mess and more and more gets piled on. I yearn for a therapist almost as much as I long for a friend. Lately, I stuff my face every night and eat way past the full point, and I don’t see any sign of stopping. My body is cumbersome to me, I get ashamed and don’t want to have sex. I intrinsically feel that I do not want to feel pleasure, do not deserve pleasure. I get embarrassed of myself. I see myself expanding, and I just start wearing looser clothing and trying to ignore how my wardrobe keeps dwindling smaller and smaller. I don’t feel comfortable in most of my clothes, the skin in which I reside makes me restless. I have too much anxiety, and I don’t take my meds regularly. I never sleep in the night, and I can’t drag myself out of bed in the afternoon before work. I barely take care of myself, and it feels like I’m falling apart and all the pieces spilling through my hands faster than I can repair myself.

I’ve felt far away from myself, a thinness of presence. I barely listen to Jake sometimes and have no idea what he’s just said. I feel like there’s a bottomless pit of despair inside me being barely concealed by a smile. How do I fool all of you?

Or Am I?

Happy Mother’s Day This is the most apt thing I’ve seen in a while. How to Break a Broken Man by BattyNora In Terminus, Gareth tells Rick that, as ringleader, he must pick one of the group in the train car to be sacrificed, but … Continue reading

Strange But True

I had the most disturbing dream yesterday. I woke myself up from the fit I was having in my dream. Whatever happened, for some reason I had agreed to let Jake sleep with another girl. I get the sense I had previously agreed to it, since I don’t remember doing so in the dream.

All I know is that we were in some other person’s house, and I was walking down a hallway. It was dark, but I still happened to see when I passed by an open door- Jake was standing at the foot of the bed, looking utterly enthralled at fingering some other girl’s pussy. I about died. She was blond and thin and having a hell of a time. The thought of Jake hell bent on pleasuring another woman made me go nuts. In the dream, I started crying hysterically and barged into the room. I shoved him and hit on him and then ran out of the room crying, and he followed me.

Jake shook me awake. I was crying in the dream and the crying woke me up in real life. I tried to joke it off and say, “You!!!” LOL But in a real sense, there is a lot going on in that dream. Some people might consider me foolish, but I listen to my dreams.

dreammoods.com says;

Being cheated on in a dream points to fear of abandonment:

To dream that your mate, spouse, or significant other is cheating on you also indicates your fears of being abandoned. You are concerned about the future and whether your significant other will be there for you. Perhaps you are waiting for a commitment from your significant other. Often such dreams may occur because you were abandoned before by an ex, by a parent or important person in your life.

Being cheated on also points to low self-esteem:

When you feel unworthy, inadequate or that you do no measure up to the expectation of others, you may dream that your lover is cheating on you. You have a low sense of self-worth and feel that there is no reason for your mate to stay with you. Consider who your significant other is cheating with in your dream. Is this person someone who you think is better than you in some way? Are they handsomer, prettier, thinner, richer, smarter, etc?

Crying
To dream that you are crying signifies a release of negative emotions that is more likely caused by some waking situation rather than the events of the dream itself. Your dream is a way to regain some emotional balance and to safely let out your fears and frustrations. In your daily lives, you tend to ignore, deny, or repress your feelings. But in your dream state, your defense mechanisms are no longer on guard and thus allow for the release of those feelings that you have repressed during the day.

To wake up crying represents some suppressed hurt or previous trauma that is coming up to the surface. You can no longer suppress these emotions. They need to be dealt with head on.

To dream that no one hears or responds to your cries represents your helplessness, difficulties and frustrations in trying to communicate with others. You feel that your words are falling on deaf ears. Perhaps your dream is telling you to be more vocal and work harder to get your point across.

Tears
To dream that you are in tears signify that you are undergoing a period of healing in your life. The tears symbolize compassion, emotional healing and spiritual cleansing. Alternatively, tears indicate pain.

To dream that someone is in tears indicate that you need to rethink your actions and how your behavior may be affecting those around you.

To see a teardrop in your dream represents some previous wisdom that you have learned or recalled.

Fighting
To dream that you are in a fight indicates inner turmoil. Some aspect of yourself is in conflict with another aspect of yourself. Perhaps an unresolved or unacknowledged part is fighting for its right to be heard. It may also parallel a fight or struggle that you are going through in your waking life.

To dream that you are trying to fight, but cannot throw your arms as hard as you want signifies lack of self-esteem and self-confidence in some area of your waking life. You are unsure of your next move. This dream may also reflect your actual state of REM paralysis during the dream state.

From this, I gather that I truly do have a self esteem problem. I tell people I am on cloud nine, but I must be truthful. I have a background on my phone that says “SICK SAD GIRL” and it couldn’t be more true. I am depressed and addicted to drugs. I am not really any better than my mother, except for I can function and hold a job for 8 hours a day, 5 days a week. I have a sadness, a problem that I have been ignoring.

I have been thinking to myself lately, “I’m obviously getting the better deal here. I get Jake, and all Jake gets is me.” I have been down on myself, considering myself less. I talk bad to myself when no one else is listening. I don’t pay attention to my needs. I ignore basic needs like good foods I should be eating instead of take out every night and simple things like basic hygiene. What are you doing, girl?

Jake sometimes mentions going up to Colorado to live. I secretly agree with him that I would love to go, but I always hesitate because of the way he treats me. When Jake is mad, he sees red and he says horrible things. He tells me to go back and live with my mom if I don’t like him, and it kills me everytime because I ain’t goin’ nowhere. Nowhere soon.

As soon as he gets out of that habit, we can move to Colorado. We can’t as long as he flings shit like that in my face. I won’t be right around the corner from mama’s anymore, will I??? It’s kinda surreal, in a way. Jake is terrified I’ll leave him, and I am terrified that he’ll leave me.