Lacy, the Lady in Charge (Behind the Scenes)

Image result for lady bossThings have been hectic for me lately. I’ve been suffering from a pretty strong bout of brain fog. (Read more) Sounds like a funky excuse, but it’s more common than you think!

I’ve been experiencing some uncomfortable health issues and depression has been a side effect. The other day at work, my co-worker Dottie observed that I’ve been off the last couple of days, and I found myself admitting to her how I find it really difficult to get out of bed. Or at least, that was the case last week. I could barely peel myself out in time to get to work and showed up sloppy, hair not combed or simple things like forgetting my makeup.

I’ve been trying to do better and Jake has had a schedule change recently which has changed my sleeping patterns. He’s getting a new job soon! He starts next week as a pharmacy technician at Mercy hospital. I couldn’t be more proud. This is what we have been striving for, and the money is surely appreciated.

While I have been experiencing strong depression, don’t be mistaken about my married life. I am actually still ecstatic regarding my feelings and our marriage. We’ve been tested early on but I feel we met many compromises to see ourselves through our hardships. Being married is like finding a blessed island in the middle of a turbulent ocean, a sanctuary in the middle of a thrashing sea. I feel utterly safe and comforted, completely accepted and loved. We have been joined now and I always feels this connection between us, even when things are hard.

I’ve been wanting to seek counseling for some time now. I’ve failed to actually seek it out because I’m looking for a specific kind of therapist. I went to a younger therapist once and didn’t enjoy the experience. When I was a young kid, I was the teacher’s pet and would stay after school to chat with the older ladies. They were funny and wise, and with my Grandma missing in my life, I find myself seeking the attention of an older woman rather than a younger one.

I know it would help me a lot to seek counseling again. I have a lot of vices I’d like to discuss with someone objective. I find myself wanting to talk about my family affairs because they’re so stupid and complicated. My relationships with my mother and father are agonizing to me most of the time, and I think of them frequently though I don’t give them the satisfaction of knowing that. I’m punishing them by not talking to them. It backfires on me every time because I miss talking to them, but they friggin’ kill me so I seem to always repeat the process once I break the silence to assure myself they’re still alive and kicking. Resume resentment and sour feelings of emotional abandonment.

So as you might think, I don’t always have my shit together. Particularly, at work!! 😦 I have been stressed beyond a breaking point lately and just let a whole lot of shit slide. That’s why I’m not particularly proud to be running things. I can’t even run things in my own life. I am always forgetting to do important things for myself. I have trouble taking care of myself. I therefore have trouble managing a team of girls. I like to take a step back and just let things run on auto pilot.

Image result for lady boss

I’ve become very disappointed in my work ethic. I just don’t have the energy or will power to as well as I would like to up at my job. I want to think of the guests as nice people who help keep me in a job but mostly I feel like they’re nuisances. I’ve been stretched emotionally lately and just talking to people stresses me out. Of course, that makes doing my job well impossible. My anxiety has just been going haywire lately. Social anxiety has me dipping out of work early some nights, or otherwise praying and hoping my associates will want to go home early so I can get some solitude. I just find people talking to me very distracting and agitating. So often I just wish people, the guests and my co-workers alike, would just LEAVE. ME. ALONE.

I’m trying to work past these feelings. I try to curtail my anxiety by sitting down to work on projects in the back and let them do the check in work for the most part. I get anxiety when Chelsea sits down in the back and I am in the front. I resent doing more of the work, when I have more important things to do. I am trying to do better though, to smile and to have them be genuine rather than forced.

At work, my boss is still absent. She has been out sick since before my wedding. Since she was hired in July, she has probably worked a total of one month- and that is being generous. No one knows what ails her. She has a serious illness maybe cancer and is no longer ambulatory. She has to get around in a wheelchair when she is not in the hospital. We are in some limbo no-man’s land just waiting for the legal period to pass in which we can replace her. I have to last at least another month, mid way through November it sounded like to me. *HUFF*

I keep asking myself if I can hack this. I get so stressed out. When I think about what would make me happy and soothe my anxiety, it makes me sound so unambitious. Honestly, I would love to get hired on as a night audit manager overnight somewhere. I find the night time shift less stressful because you do not encounter as many people. But to take less money just to have less stress is going the wrong way in my career.

Speaking of my career, this experience has left me questioning my abilities. It is very nerve racking to have the job I always wanted (front office manager) and to absolutely fucking hate it. I feel overwhelmed constantly and a pressure to make everything run as smoothly as possible. I run around like a chicken with it’s head cut off instead, and feel like I’m doing a terrible job at everything I try to do.

I think it’s possible just because of my personal issues to be having troubles. I might not hate this job as much when I am mentally doing well and prepared for it. They say I should cut myself some slack more often, so here are some contributing factors to why I hate things so much right now:

A) I do not have an assistant to share the load
B) Expectations have not been clear on my manager’s part

CAN I MAKE IT?

The Lady in Red is a Lie

On the outside:

lady

On the inside:

Affirmations

I care about myself.
My body and my mind are important to me.
I will make better, healthier decisions on my own behalf.

I will practice mindfulness and gratitude each day.

I deserve my own self-care. If I don’t take care of myself, how can anyone else rely on me to help take care of them?

********************************

My life to me seems like one of the sad indie movies only I would appreciate. Filled with melancholy, a person confused and just messing everything up. I find myself thinking of my artist days when I was younger. I loved being a part of an artistic community and attending weekly poetry readings. We were just a bunch of reckless freaks trying to express ourselves. We might fuck everything up, but at least we were free to make our own mistakes and write about them later.

I miss expressing myself more often. I used to draw and write and journal a lot. I miss that part of myself. I just don’t have the quiet in my mind to accomplish it half of the time. I feel so weird and misunderstood. Sometimes Jake gets angry at me, offended at my sadness for no apparent reason. He thinks there’s something wrong with him, that I’m somehow not satisfied, and I have to tell him over and over again it’s not about him.

I’ll be 26 in little under two days. That was always my scary age as a young 20 something. I used to always figure- I should be established in my career by that point in my life. I should have found the man I want to be with the rest of my life, be getting married. I should be able to take care of myself and function as an adult, be independent.

It seems like everything is on track. To the naked eye, looking at me, it would seem I have those things I have wished for. Latta my boss is almost one foot out the door at my current job and I am devoted to Jacob and will become his wife in less than two months (!!!)

But still yet, when I am alone or at my home, I am a failure in my own skin. I am filled with angst and woe. I worry that I don’t show enough caring for my ailing mother, that my Grandma would be ashamed to see my lack of involvement in her life. Simple things overwhelm me, and I find it difficult to get dressed and leave the house. I don’t talk to any of my would-be friends.

Lately, I’ve been feeling a dampening in my spirits. Everyday I don’t write or meditate, my mind is a jumbled mess and more and more gets piled on. I yearn for a therapist almost as much as I long for a friend. Lately, I stuff my face every night and eat way past the full point, and I don’t see any sign of stopping. My body is cumbersome to me, I get ashamed and don’t want to have sex. I intrinsically feel that I do not want to feel pleasure, do not deserve pleasure. I get embarrassed of myself. I see myself expanding, and I just start wearing looser clothing and trying to ignore how my wardrobe keeps dwindling smaller and smaller. I don’t feel comfortable in most of my clothes, the skin in which I reside makes me restless. I have too much anxiety, and I don’t take my meds regularly. I never sleep in the night, and I can’t drag myself out of bed in the afternoon before work. I barely take care of myself, and it feels like I’m falling apart and all the pieces spilling through my hands faster than I can repair myself.

I’ve felt far away from myself, a thinness of presence. I barely listen to Jake sometimes and have no idea what he’s just said. I feel like there’s a bottomless pit of despair inside me being barely concealed by a smile. How do I fool all of you?

Or Am I?

Happy Mother’s Day

depression

This is the most apt thing I’ve seen in a while.

How to Break a Broken Man by BattyNora
In Terminus, Gareth tells Rick that, as ringleader, he must pick one of the group in the train car to be sacrificed, but Rick refuses. Gareth attempts to convince Rick to choose by using Daryl, who has obviously already been beaten. To them it’s about enjoyment of causing people pain, both physical and mental, not about just getting food.

The Backcountry by silversundown
Survival horror, backwoods style: A weekend vacation to a tiny lakeside cabin turns out to be more than Carol bargained for. When Ed feels especially bad about a fight he takes her there to make up for it, but this time they aren’t the only ones roaming the woods. Faced with the real possibility of not surviving the trip Carol will have to make more than a few hard choices.


CAROL IS MY DARYL

In my perusal of the net lately, Carol has been getting a lot of shit!!! >o< WTF people? Bunch of haters. I absolutely love Carol and she is one of the shows most dynamic characters. She’s evolved into a stronger than steel woman from the poor battered wife she used to be.

When the group got to Alexandria and she posed as a timid woman to trick everyone about her cold and lethal viewpoint of the world, it was genius. She made it sound like she wasn’t brutal and ready to KILL. I thought some of her interactions with the annoying do-gooder Morgan were some excellent moments on TV. I was cheering on Carol as she tried to kill Morgan, because I believed more in what she believed- NO MERCY FOR YOUR ENEMIES. If they don’t kill them, they’ll come back to get them later. There will be no peace in letting your enemies live.

KEEP CALM AND
LOOK AT THE FLOWERS

I think it rattled Carol to step back into her timid self persona. She used this trick to pull the wool over the eyes of the Alexandria citizens and she and Maggie’s captors. She acted like she was a nervous nelly like she used to be, and maybe it did fuck her up, the poor thing. But she’s not a pussy now, guys!!! That’s what I keep seeing, people are disappointed/not understanding of her most recent actions in season six. She abandons the group, because she says she can’t kill for them anymore. Suddenly, she can’t bear to kill when she used to be the best at it, ruthless when she had to be.

Give Carol a friggin break, she held it together when she had to kill her adopted psycho daughter. I think she has been long due for a break down, so let her have it, people. She’ll wind back up with the others eventually. Carol always finds her way back.

So you need to come back from Kingdom.

Strange But True

I had the most disturbing dream yesterday. I woke myself up from the fit I was having in my dream. Whatever happened, for some reason I had agreed to let Jake sleep with another girl. I get the sense I had previously agreed to it, since I don’t remember doing so in the dream.

All I know is that we were in some other person’s house, and I was walking down a hallway. It was dark, but I still happened to see when I passed by an open door- Jake was standing at the foot of the bed, looking utterly enthralled at fingering some other girl’s pussy. I about died. She was blond and thin and having a hell of a time. The thought of Jake hell bent on pleasuring another woman made me go nuts. In the dream, I started crying hysterically and barged into the room. I shoved him and hit on him and then ran out of the room crying, and he followed me.

Jake shook me awake. I was crying in the dream and the crying woke me up in real life. I tried to joke it off and say, “You!!!” LOL But in a real sense, there is a lot going on in that dream. Some people might consider me foolish, but I listen to my dreams.

dreammoods.com says;

Being cheated on in a dream points to fear of abandonment:

To dream that your mate, spouse, or significant other is cheating on you also indicates your fears of being abandoned. You are concerned about the future and whether your significant other will be there for you. Perhaps you are waiting for a commitment from your significant other. Often such dreams may occur because you were abandoned before by an ex, by a parent or important person in your life.

Being cheated on also points to low self-esteem:

When you feel unworthy, inadequate or that you do no measure up to the expectation of others, you may dream that your lover is cheating on you. You have a low sense of self-worth and feel that there is no reason for your mate to stay with you. Consider who your significant other is cheating with in your dream. Is this person someone who you think is better than you in some way? Are they handsomer, prettier, thinner, richer, smarter, etc?

Crying
To dream that you are crying signifies a release of negative emotions that is more likely caused by some waking situation rather than the events of the dream itself. Your dream is a way to regain some emotional balance and to safely let out your fears and frustrations. In your daily lives, you tend to ignore, deny, or repress your feelings. But in your dream state, your defense mechanisms are no longer on guard and thus allow for the release of those feelings that you have repressed during the day.

To wake up crying represents some suppressed hurt or previous trauma that is coming up to the surface. You can no longer suppress these emotions. They need to be dealt with head on.

To dream that no one hears or responds to your cries represents your helplessness, difficulties and frustrations in trying to communicate with others. You feel that your words are falling on deaf ears. Perhaps your dream is telling you to be more vocal and work harder to get your point across.

Tears
To dream that you are in tears signify that you are undergoing a period of healing in your life. The tears symbolize compassion, emotional healing and spiritual cleansing. Alternatively, tears indicate pain.

To dream that someone is in tears indicate that you need to rethink your actions and how your behavior may be affecting those around you.

To see a teardrop in your dream represents some previous wisdom that you have learned or recalled.

Fighting
To dream that you are in a fight indicates inner turmoil. Some aspect of yourself is in conflict with another aspect of yourself. Perhaps an unresolved or unacknowledged part is fighting for its right to be heard. It may also parallel a fight or struggle that you are going through in your waking life.

To dream that you are trying to fight, but cannot throw your arms as hard as you want signifies lack of self-esteem and self-confidence in some area of your waking life. You are unsure of your next move. This dream may also reflect your actual state of REM paralysis during the dream state.

From this, I gather that I truly do have a self esteem problem. I tell people I am on cloud nine, but I must be truthful. I have a background on my phone that says “SICK SAD GIRL” and it couldn’t be more true. I am depressed and addicted to drugs. I am not really any better than my mother, except for I can function and hold a job for 8 hours a day, 5 days a week. I have a sadness, a problem that I have been ignoring.

I have been thinking to myself lately, “I’m obviously getting the better deal here. I get Jake, and all Jake gets is me.” I have been down on myself, considering myself less. I talk bad to myself when no one else is listening. I don’t pay attention to my needs. I ignore basic needs like good foods I should be eating instead of take out every night and simple things like basic hygiene. What are you doing, girl?

Jake sometimes mentions going up to Colorado to live. I secretly agree with him that I would love to go, but I always hesitate because of the way he treats me. When Jake is mad, he sees red and he says horrible things. He tells me to go back and live with my mom if I don’t like him, and it kills me everytime because I ain’t goin’ nowhere. Nowhere soon.

As soon as he gets out of that habit, we can move to Colorado. We can’t as long as he flings shit like that in my face. I won’t be right around the corner from mama’s anymore, will I??? It’s kinda surreal, in a way. Jake is terrified I’ll leave him, and I am terrified that he’ll leave me.

Sex, Health, and Me

I’ve been having some health issues lately. As always, they are female issue related. I’ve been experiencing bloating, pain, and tenderness between my cycles. I suspected ovulation pain which I am familiar with, only recently I had a stretch of pain/general discomfort for about 3-4 days. It worried me, so I had that little break down I mentioned in my last post. I traveled to Ada, Oklahoma to visit the indian emergency room. Three hours later, they determined what it wasn’t and sent me off with pain meds and a referral to go to my normal doctor.

That was maybe a week and a half ago. Since then, Jake and I had a pleasurable trip out to Clinton so I could get an ultrasound done. When I finally got the test results back, the nurse told me that the results were “normal” even though I’m still experiencing pain and discomfort. She said just because they are normal doesn’t mean I’m not in pain, and then suggested that my problem could possibly be endometriosis and told me I had to follow up with my regular doctor, whom I hate.

After I found out about the news, I got a little upset. My boss recognized this and tried to talk to me about it, but I got emotional and had to leave the room. It’s hard for me to recognize when I need self-care, I tend to ignore what I really need and do what my id wants to do. I always feel the need to relax but never feel quite relaxed enough. I usually end up wasting a lot of my time smoking and indulging in false pleasures rather than focusing on what I really need to or should be doing to better myself. I should be indulging in more art and literature because expressing myself and immersing myself in words are both comforting acts to me.

Speaking of comfort, I started reading a pretty steamy story on fanfiction.net.

Thursday Night Safe Space by Magenta’s Nightmare
Andrea is a sex therapist who is married to Merle and best friends with Carol who is suffering the after effects of a troubled marriage. This is the story of what happens when Carol final lets her friend help her out. This is a Caryl story, don’t let the first chapter mislead you.

Rated: Fiction M – Daryl D., Andrea, Carol, Merle D. – Chapters: 9 – Words: 19,252 – Reviews: 65 – Favs: 10 – Follows: 26 – Updated: 21h ago – Published: Feb 15

It’s pretty hot, and I found it pretty stimulating for a couple of reasons. I used to consider being a therapist in the past. Not just any therapist, actually. A sex therapist. Among my friends, I have always been one of the more informed and I have a way of making them feel comfortable enough to share intimate details with me and open up.

The work that Andrea is doing in the story is very impacting. You can tell she is passionate about it because it matters. She brings intimacy into people’s relationships and makes them more sexually satisfied with each other. Being sexually informed and practiced is nothing to be ashamed of. It makes your partner feel better and more cared for when you know how to treat their body.

I have desired more intimacy in Jake and I’s relationship. In these sex work shops that Carol and Daryl are participating in, I’m a little familiar with the material. I’ve read plenty of sex stories and information on the importance of foreplay. I have even been to one of the sex shops before. I unwittingly went along with my artsy girlfriend who told me there would be free wine.

We showed up to a class in a small boutique shop in the plaza district. It was artistic and feminine with pastel corsets and bras on display in the shop. The class was described to me as an empowering experience for women so I didn’t complain as she brought me my free glass of wine. It was a class made up entirely of women ranging in ages and the instructor quickly introduced the thought of tantric sex. (Read more about tantric sex here.)

Before long, we were on our backs on the floor and the instructor was instructing us in raising our pelvis up off the floor and feeling your sexual energy. It was a pretty wicked experience, and I would have gone to more classes if me and that friend didn’t have a parting of ways.

You have to be in a comfortable space to achieve it. It’s hard to ask for what you want when you don’t think that your wish will be granted. Often times, I know I can’t ask Jake for extra foreplay because he gets impatient and then it’s just spoiled for both of us, which is infinitely worse than just spoiled for me.

If I’m being completely honest, I am more than a little bit interested in a more submissive type of sex style. I love to hear my partner make noises or talk dirty to me to show their appreciation, but Jake remains frustratingly silent. He is forever expecting me to read his mind when it comes to what he wants. He has trouble communicating, but he’s not the only one. He’d like me to do more anal experimentation, and I myself want to have more adventurous sex, as in outside-of-the-home sex ^_~

We’re making headway, believe it or not. The other day, Jake and I went out to a casino night date and went to Riverwind. On the way back after an enjoyable if not lucrative night out, we found ourselves groping in the car and things turned steamy quickly. I gave him road head on the way home despite how dangerous it is. I trust Jake implicitly, I knew he wouldn’t crash the car on us and he didn’t.

As for me trusting Jake, I am reminded of how much he really trusts me. The other night, we were 69ing, and his ass got ever closer to my face. I am almost positive he wanted me to perform anal oral sex on him, and I chickened out. If I am truly going to be confident in my skills, then I think I did the wrong thing shying away from the act. I’d like to work up the courage to try it, but don’t know how I feel about really performing the sexual act.

What are my reservations? I’m not afraid Jake would be unclean. I suppose it is the stigma attached to the act. I have always regarded it as something no man would ever want me to do, and felt grateful that no one had ever asked me to or been inclined for me to try it. But I know from experience that when Jake did it to me, it was an electrifying and forbidden feeling that was definitely pleasurable. I want him to feel the same, so we should shake it up somehow and I think that I should try it. I supposed I just don’t feel well educated enough about it to move forward with my desire, so I’ve been doing some research. . .

Speaking of weird sexual urges, I have an old friend in my orbit again. I got my old friend Sara a position up at my job. I don’t know if I regret it or not with her work output, but it sure is nice to hear all her gossip once more.

She likes regaling me with the sordid details of her new relationship. He is all about her and touching and pleasuring her, but she is being a cock tease and not reciprocating very much she says. She says he’s making it really difficult to deny her urges to have sex with him so soon. This will be her second relationship and she’s still pretty burned from the first dysfunctional one so she doesn’t want to move too fast.lol I told her girl you’re no virgin, you oughtta give it up haha

After my first boyfriend, I haven’t really made any boyfriend wait a long period of time before we got busy. I’m usually the one progressing things along pretty quickly. What can I say? I go after what I want lol

random thoughts

this is like watching a trainwreck happen O_O

I’m watching the Sopranos and I’m on season 3. Tony just started dating the Trillo girl, and I already know how it ends. I’ve watched the series previously with my mother, just not necessarily all the episodes in order. I saw episodes here and there. These latest episodes contain the very flirty, sexy relationship between Tony and the Trillo girl.

I can see what a horrific standpoint Dr. Melfi the therapist is having to deal with. She totally recognized Tony’s voice over the phone, she knows it when she hears it. She heard Anthony with the Trillo girl when she canceled her appointment. Melfi wanted to confront Trillo right off the bat about it because obviously a relationship as Tony’s goomar could only end in sadness. Gloria Trillo was in therapy because of an attempted suicide after her last relationship.

Dr. Melfi wanted to help her right off the bat. She was worried because she knew where this was going already. And instead Trillo doomed herself by knowing Tony. But their relationship is so sexy, I can see how it would be hard to resist even though you know you’re heading for a crash. Their relationship and Gloria herself are downright sensual, and it’s no wonder Tony wanted her so bad. It’s like watching a flame of passion at it’s highest point, knowing that it will go out very soon.

That’s the thing about us crazy girls. We’re super fun and pretty in the beginning and gee, ain’t I nice. I’m like perfect for the first bit that you know me, but as soon as you know me more, there’s less to like. Suddenly I’m not mysterious and sexy anymore, I become normal and have imperfections. I’m lazy and can’t clean a dish to save my life. You notice my room is in disarray. When you get a closer look, I’m no longer sexy, just broken and weird. Looking for Love. Please, just take me as I am.

Gloria takes her own life after she and Tony stop seeing each other. I’m watching this on pins and needles. Geez, good TV.

Let the Healing Begin

I have done something good for myself. I have recognized that it is time to ascend to my second chakra and attend to my other needs. I have established a base, however infirm it is. Now is a period of transformation, an acceptance of change, and I must carry myself with grace.

I wrote a letter on behalf of Johnny this afternoon. That was a more challenging experience than I anticipated.  It was pretty difficult considering I think he’s really a fool no one should bother about. It was sad to talk about him at therapy this morning. Because, that’s right, I ACTUALLY MADE AN APPOINTMENT! That is a sure sign of progress.

I’ve also discovered that

is not a safe place to be right now x_x lol I want so badly to scroll, but I haven’t seen the latest episode of Once Upon a Time yet!!! >__<

Anyways, it’s November, so let us begin the gratitude. I am ever so thankful for…

  1. a working vehicle
  2. a hard working man
  3. anxiety medication
  4. netflix, a means of entertainment
  5. a GOOD PAYING JOB! 😀

Daria Survey Season 5

  • Fizz Ed: What’s your favorite soda?
    Sprite
  • Sappy Anniversary: Have you ever forgotten an important date?
    Sometimes I forget my family member’s birthdays >__>
  • Fat Like Me: Have you ever tried to lose weight?
    I have and it has always been a struggle.
  • Camp Fear: How well do you handle organized activities?
    I’m pretty chill, I always go with the flow.
  • The Story of D: How well do you deal with rejection?
    I try to shrug it off, it happens sometimes.
  • Lucky Strike: Talk about your favorite substitute teacher.
    I can’t recall liking any one in particular =/
  • Art Burn: How much do you value originality?
    Nothing is original, in my opinion. It’s all about a person’s influences and the beauty of their work in the end.
  • One J at a Time: Do you date around, prefer a single partner, or neither?
    I prefer to be in monogamous relationships.
  • Life in the Past Lane: What’s the weirdest experience you’ve had with someone you’ve dated?
    I was dating a poet once and we went to hang out at his brother’s after open mic. He said let me go in ahead of you to make sure it’s okay and I said sure. He came back out and reported to me that his brother had a few friends over, but it would be okay if we joined. I walked into the man cave out back, and lo and behold, my first ex was sitting in the room. He was my date’s brother-in-law’s friend.
  • Aunt Nauseam: Do you get along with your extended family?
    I grew up with them, and now we don’t talk to each other =(
  • Prize Fighters: Have you ever been passed over for something for something you wanted because of a reason you found to be ridiculous?
    No, when I was, it was because my punctuality was called into question and I was admittedly late more often than admissible =/ Learned that lesson the hard way.
  • My Night at Daria’s: Have you ever stayed out too late with a significant other?
    I can remember all the times my first boyfriend and I hung out so late past curfew. We always claimed that he was taking me home early, when in reality we’d told my mom we were watching a movie and we’d be home late. Unaccounted for time in the middle is what we lived for *eyebrow waggle* lol
  • Boxing Daria: What’s a childhood memory that shaped who you are today?
    When I was an adolescent, I lost my grandma. She made me who I am today.
  • Is It College Yet?: What are your plans for the future?
    I’d like to get married and move into a house somewhere. Eventually become foster parents once we become more financially secure a few years down the road.