Some Dads Don’t Come Home

After all the worrying I have done – after all the dread I felt knowing this day would come….. Fate still has a way of throwing me for a loop. My dad has been in jail, and I have purposefully alienated myself from him. I haven’t been interested to know him, or believe any word he’s said. He would say he’s going to be different, full of the Lord, that he doesn’t want to go back to jail. It’s hard to believe him, maybe he doesn’t right now, but they always forget. Someone who’s a repeat offender like himself.

I lived in dread knowing the day was coming, he would be out and I would have to face him. After months of silence and dejection- see his face, tell him, “I had nothing nice to say to you, so I just didn’t say anything.”

Now I have learned from my mother that he is out- and he is not coming back. I expected my mother would be there for him, and she would bring him home. He would move back in and they would go back to their topsy-turvy stupid relationship. First, they love each other one moment and hate each other the next. Not to mention all the drug use. I was scared of him sucking her back in, or vice versa, him trying to do good and her refusing to follow along, dragging him back down.

Instead, he has bounced from prison to a half way house somewhere in our city and he has not sent word to my mother or myself. He has disappeared without a trace. My mother inquired at the prison one day and found out that he had been released from there, and I cannot imagine her heart break. I worry about the woman all the time, and him not coming back to her has her on my mind more often. I worry about her. I hope she’ll be okay, I feel bad for her that her lover has….. disappeared like this.

I feel guilty. I feel bad. He got the message. I don’t want you. I didn’t, but do I still not? I feel some kind of void in my chest wondering how I have let him go. Have I done the right thing, was I a royal bitch? The man bears my name on his knuckles as a sign of his love, and this woman snubs him, a woman he wants to love. She won’t let him love her because his destructive life hurts too much. It hurts to be near, the love isn’t enough.

Did I miss out on something though? It is always nice to be loved, adored. I was a golden light in his eyes, and it’s hard not to be swayed by such a thing. No one has loved me like that since my Grandma and Elizabeth. Someone who thinks you can do no wrong, turns a blind eye to all your faults. I feel remorseful missing out on that. He just wanted to love me, and I wouldn’t let him. Couldn’t let him. Pushed him away.

Did I mean to push him so far?

Oblivious by Miniature Tigers

Lately I feel like a blown out birthday candle
One look in the mirror and I know the party’s over
And yeah, I want a big house
With a swimming pool
Fuck it, baby, I got you
(Fuck it, baby I got you)

I’m so lost in my head
It’s way too real out there
I’m lost in a day dream
Oh yeah, I don’t care

I’m oblivious, yeah

Spaced out in a daze I couldn’t hear you
The music drowns you out I didn’t care
Oh yeah, I didn’t care
I know you want a quiet house
With a lemon tree
I’m sorry baby, you’re stuck with me
(Sorry baby, you’re stuck with me)

I’m so lost in my head
It’s way too real out there
I’m lost in a day dream
I don’t care

I’m oblivious, yeah
I’m oblivious, oh
I’m oblivious, yeah
I’m oblivious, oh whoa

Your love girl, ain’t no dungeon
So tell me why do I run then?
Tomorrow you can scold me
Tonight, can you just hold me

Read more: Miniature Tigers – Oblivious Lyrics | MetroLyrics

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Dear Daddy

I need a moment to mental pause my life. I’ve been  feeling more and more overwhelmed lately and unable to perform at work, at home, in Life in general. I had a four day rest from work, but it didn’t rejuvenate my batteries. I still feel quite ill at ease.

My dad is going back into the general populace someday soon, and the sooner the day looms the more upset I get. I am both glad he will be out and utterly dismayed. I dread having to face him- it’s uncomfortable to stand in front of a man who loves you, and sneer down your nose at him. Disdain. Unhappiness. Harbinger of chaos, you are my undoing. I loathe you, thank you for loving me, but it doesn’t feel like enough. I need you to step up and be better, climb out of the shit. Abandon your old skin and your old ways. Become someone new, a more improved version of yourself. Stop making me witness this train wreck we have now.

It’s A Small World After All

Alternative title: Almost, But Never Was

The other day I went shopping at Wal*Mart and I ran into an old acquaintance. Of all people, I ran into Asta- Hakim’s Grandma. It was a pleasure seeing her. One thing I regret about discontinuing the friendships I had with my exes was my right to know about their loved ones~ Both Tyler (my first bf) and Hakim had grandmothers that I adored and they liked me, too.

Hakim’s family called her Dada, which is what I always knew and called her by as well. Seeing her was so weird and funny because it just reminded me of how different my life could have been. I kick myself every time I think about how I chose Joshua, the no-good drunk of my life, over Hakim, a perfectly stable and nice young man who loved me and missed me. He tried to get me back after we broke up, and I stupidly chose Josh thinking I was deeply in love.

Deeply deranged in the head, maybe.

If I had chosen Hakim back then, he would have likely became my husband instead. I love Jacob so very much, but I wonder sometimes how much happier I could have been with Hakim. Hakim and I were very similiar, that’s why we made a good couple. We were both sensitive people who enjoyed the same things, were spontaneous and liked to be involved in cool things. My relationship with him was easily one of the most stable relationships I ever had, and I miss those times sometimes. We had a lot of fun together. We had a lot of common interests.

We went out all the time. Hakim had a very good job and he drove a nice car. He was so sweet and thoughtful and generous. He bought people presents just because~ for no reason, he just wanted to spread cheer. The first date we ever had remains the best first date I ever went on to this day.

I suppose I’ve been thinking about it because I am slightly disappointed in some aspects of my marriage. I dislike how stagnant things are sometimes. Jake is stingy when it comes to going out. He refuses to go to expensive restaurants. In fact, the last nice place we went for dinner was an absolutely miserable date because he thought we might end up spending $60 on the  meal, including the tip amount *rolls eyes*

I crave the experience of dressing up and going out. I want to look nice and be on my husband’s arm, have him be proud to take me somewhere rather than grudging. I haven’t felt very attractive lately in his eyes either. I feel like I am starving for compliments and sweet endearments. I just want him to say nice things about me to me, and how pathetic is it when you have to ask???? No bueno.

Our sex life is pretty much in the same boat. We never do anything new, and it’s not my fault. I might be just a little too adventurous for Jake. And by that, I mean I actually enjoy and want to try different forms of foreplay but to him that would just be a big waste of time. He’s too impatient to get on to the sex, and I never feel wooed. Just pressured. Our sex is like clock work, something I have to do in a timely fashion before he freaks out that I haven’t offered. God forbid he spend some time making out with me or heavy petting me to put me in the mood, oh no.

He doesn’t kiss me passionately. He doesn’t stare into my eyes like he loves me. I know he does, I just sometimes wish he could be more expressive about things. S0metimes I feel like we lack intimacy since he rushes things so much.

We’re definitely comfortable together, though. We have fallen into a routine. Come home, smoke, eat until it’s time to have sex and go to sleep. We both love to eat. We eat out of boredom. We both have been known to binge eat. We both love playing on our computers and watching the same TV shows. I am happy. I have found what I was looking for when I first got together with Jake;

“What I want is to be needed. What I need is to be indispensable to somebody. Who I need is somebody that will eat up all my free time, my ego, my attention. Somebody addicted to me. A mutual addiction.”
Chuck Palahniuk, Choke

I needed someone who would never tire of me. I somehow got what I wished for; Jake is obsessed with me, I am his one and only. I am his wife and his best friend. Jake doesn’t like to spend time with anyone else, he has no other friends. I am his everything. He wants to be by my side always, literally. The only time I can be away from him is when I am at work. It gets tiring, but they do say “Careful what you wish for.”

Something Hubby and I have been doing it catching up on all the latest and greatest shows on TV. I feel like all the characters on Hulu are my friends now. These fictional characters took the place of my real friends. Lately we binge-watched the latest season of Walking Dead and I would be remiss if I didn’t share one of my favorite things from season 7:

Dads & Drugs

Today, I was vexed when I looked down at my cellphone and saw it was my dad calling. My biological dad, not my first dad. It is tiresome how I always have to clarify whom I’m talking about when I say “my dad.” Who, Eddie, the man who believed was my father for over 20 years? Or my second dad, my real dad, whom I’ve only known for less than 3 years? And he has literally spent half of that time incarcerated.

I am really resentful that he landed himself in jail again. Both he and my mom were addicted and also running their own game. It was simple, Johnny got caught and got thrown in jail. That was over a year ago. He told me today that at the beginning of 2017, he should be moving to a half way house in Oklahoma City. I thought it was incredibly tactful of my dad not to bring up the fact that I haven’t written him. I don’t normally take his calls, or return his texts with any frequency. I have chosen to freeze him out, make him feel my absence while he is gone so he won’t take advantage of our time together. He treats my mother poorly even though he’s inside and she’s outside and still heartily dedicated to him.

I don’t actually like my biological dad. He has been a harbinger of chaos in my mother’s life. We have a complicated relationship. He thinks the world of me and speaks very highly of me, so it’s hard to have hard feelings towards him when he’s so nice to me. But at the same time, everything he says to me is a lie and I expect him to fall right back into his old ways again when he gets out. I don’t trust him or my mother to do the right thing. I desperately want them to live a drug free life and stay out of trouble, but one must wonder if that’s like asking a cheetah to change it’s spots……

I want to have faith, I just feel so drained.

Don’t disappoint me anymore. I hate hearing from my biological dad. When he texts me or calls me, it upsets me because he’s trying to get in when I’m trying to build a stone wall to keep him out. Leave me alone. Learn your lesson. I don’t have any use for either of my parents if they are on drugs and in danger of getting thrown back into jail.

I’ve always lived by the saying, “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.” That explains my silence towards Johnny. I want him to feel my condemnation, but I fear I can’t tell him anything about how I feel. It’s unkind to send a fellow in prison mean letters, so I just don’t say anything. He wants to hear from me, and I get agitated when I think about forging a connection with him. Stay away from me until you’re ready to do better. It’s so hard to set boundaries with people. I agonize frequently over whether or not to send him a letter with my clear expectations, No. 1 on the list:

Get & maintain a legitimate job
Pay Your Bills
Stay Off Drugs
Remain loyal to each other

Can that really be too much to ask? My mother and father’s relationship can be explosive like dynamite. One week they’re besotted with each other and talking everyday and other weeks, she asks me if I have heard from him at all. They fight, and they bounce back together. He gives her a lot of shit that in my mother’s past life, she would never ever have taken from a man. I don’t think he deserves her sometimes, and most of the time I think he’s a loser and I’m upset with her for wanting him so much, so they can do bad together.

But at least they’re together that way.

2016 Presidential Election

Hello Kitty for President!:

The election this year for the President inspired a lot of nail biting. I was one of such individuals, as I was feeling very hopeful in the beginning for Hillary Clinton. I have never been fond of her in the past, but I was admittedly going to support anyone but Trump. I felt hopeful for Clinton because she was the more qualified candidate.

Hubby & I went to our local districts to cast our votes. We both ended up voting for Hillary, which my family would die if they found out. Jake and I watched the live coverage when we got home. I was really touched by all of the references they had to the suffragettes in the past with our first woman candidate ever. In particular, they mentioned the Golden Lane in St. Louis, Missouri:

“GOLDEN LANE”

In 1916, at the Democratic National Convention held in St. Louis, the National American Woman Suffrage Association staged a striking demonstration called “The Golden Lane.” “A line of women dressed in white with yellow sashes and parasols, spaced four feet apart, stood along the curb beside their state suffrage banners on both sides of the street, forming a lane through which the Democratic delegates must walk . . . to the Coliseum on the opening day of the convention.”

It made me feel patriotic to watch. I felt very thankful for the women of the past. I admit, I had not given it much though how much the women in the past had to fight for our right. On my screen, there were advertisements for “#Myvotestory” and there were 100 year old women black and white alike who were saying, “God willing, I’ll live long enough to vote the first woman president into office.”

America had a change to do something progressive and move into the future, and instead, they decided to regress back into a “safer” option. The people in the Hillary camps started to weep and leave, and I felt distraught as well as Trump garnered more and more American’s support. I was gobsmacked, I truly did not wish for him to win.

But America will carry on, for as long as we can anyway. Until he starts WWIII *rolls eyes*

I voted for Goku Classic T-Shirt:

On Contemplating One’s Career

Image result for life crushing me

Life has admittedly been pretty rocky for me lately. I have been having trouble focusing. I’ve been suffering from intense social anxiety and depression. As I’ve mentioned before, I still get irritated when I have to talk to anyone for any length of time. I couldn’t bear to leave the house, get dressed and go somewhere yesterday. Some days I can barely rip myself out of bed. I crave sleep, blessed unconsciousness where I can, if only temporarily, put all these somber thoughts on hold.

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I did start things in the right direction this time. I have an appointment to get my birth control removed!! YIPPEE!!!!!!! #hatenexplanon #hatebc #hatebirthcontrol #hatersgonnahate #bcsucks #hormonalbirthcontrol #nothnx

Lately at work I notice that I focus on the negative all the time. I feel like I don’t know what my manager’s expectations are like for me, and I feel lost & floundering. I hate myself because I feel like I am doing a bad job, and I am. Things have been slipping through the cracks because I haven’t had the energy to care lately. My mind has been too frazzled and I get disappointed in myself because I really WASN’T ready for the job. I have only proven myself right. It SUCKS. I feel like a FAILURE.

It sucks to finally realize the end goal of your career, and find out you absolutely fucking hate the shit out of that role. I feel constantly STRESSED and there WAY TOO MANY TASKS. I know I am not being a crybaby, it is a tiresome position. The turnover rate is high for the salaried, managerial position in my industry.

I can’t wait to have this load dumped off my hands. I know I look like an employee without ambition. Because honestly, it’s like my preferences are changing with my age in a way. My brain equilibrium is off so I can’t concentrate enough to do the role and the many demanding tasks that are required. I’m not there yet, just like my GM and I discussed.

Honestly with my social anxiety, I find myself longing for a night time position somewhere. Jacob is going to be working overnight. I also enjoy the night hours, and I enjoy even more the silence of slumbering guests. There’s hardly any bullshit on the night shift, except for when there is. But that’s rare enough…

The only thing is with that position I more than likely will have to take a pay cut. A year ago, I took a pay cut to take this job where I am now. That would be down trending which I find very difficult to give myself permission to do. Yeah, the hours and less people might make me happy, but it’s not good for Jake and I as a family. We have debts we have to take care of, and I won’t be doing us any favors by lessening our monthly income. Urgh.

Your Job Satisfaction Level: 47%

Your job is about average. There are some parts you really enjoy, and some parts that stress you out.

It’s possible that you need a small change. Maybe you should switch companies or positions.

It’s also possible that you’re simply burned out. No job is perfect, even a great one.

Give yourself a personal day to think about your career goals – and if your current job is helping you achieve them.

The dilemma I find myself in… I find myself asking myself;

Do I hate…

A) my co-workers?
B) my job? Or
C) just that I have to work period?

I suspect all of the above.

Asphyxiation could’ve been my end

Hubby and I just finished watching this show together. It’s The Voices featuring Ryan Reynolds.

I thought the movie was pretty cool. It said dark comedy and I knew that was right up my alley. For once, Ryan Reynolds didn’t play his standard character. He wasn’t charming and funny, he was awkward and a lot more real. I felt a lot of sympathy towards the serial killer character. They made him so likeable, and just so confused. The cat and dog are like the angel and devil on his shoulders and his only friends. His tragic childhood made him a deranged soul, who didn’t event really register what he was doing. He had a tendency to “put [his victims] out of their misery when they were suffering.” His first kill seemed like an honest accident. He seemed so frantic and confused. It was weird mind fuck kind of movie, I’d recommend it.

It turns out Jake’s job change has been a very stressful transition. He is always stressing and out and telling me he feels like he’s going to have a heart attack. O_o I think he partially blames me. You see, he found out that the hospital has a 3 month probationary period where they can deem you unacceptable and fire you, basically. He is dreading that he won’t have a job in 3 months and is resenting the fact that he left solid pay and easy work at wal mart for a more stressful, professional high-level job than he’s ever had before. He’s pretty much always stressed out now to where he’s unbearable.

First of all, his schedule has changed and we are having our disagreements. Jake and I have always been night owls, staying up until usually anywhere between 5am-7am and then sleeping all day long. Now during his training period, he’s working a regular 9-5 and he wants me to lie down with him around 2 in the morning. Eat, have sex, lay down. I’m used to staying up much longer hours, and I find the transition annoying. I know he only wants to cuddle with me more, but I feel restrained and annoyed. I want to be up, and he can be down. I don’t think it’s fair that I have to change what I’m doing and do exactly what he does. I want to compromise though. We just haven’t figure out a good balance yet.

I admit I haven’t been getting the sleep I should be. Once he leaves early in the morning, my tendency is to be up longer and soak up some me time and forego sleep. I did something really hazardous though due to my lack of sleep.

The other day after he left for work, we were low on groceries so I went to the grocery store to buy a pizza. I then proceeded home where I put it in the oven, and then passed out for 4 hours. When I woke up, there was thick, grey smoke filling half of the trailer. The back hallway and all our clothes and anything fabric smells like shit now. I have been doing laundry steadily all day. I almost friggin killed myself!!!!

It just goes to show me things that are bad for me I need to avoid. It was selfish of me to go and buy that pizza. I never share with Jake, it’s one of my guilty pleasures. I know I’m not supposed to eat bread and I rebel anyway and eat a whole pizza to myself. Except I didn’t that day -____-

Image result for pizza sassy