Married Life is SO Good

It’s been about 2 weeks since I got married. I’ve been too busy to describe how great it is. The wedding was a pretty cool affair. It wasn’t as good as I would have liked it to be, we missed a few things. I never danced with Grandpa. And speaking of Grandpa, I actually might not be legally married since my Grandpa never went and presented his ordainment papers to the court and didn’t legally register. Oh well. If Jake and I have to do one more ceremony to make it legit, we won’t be mad. At least our loved ones gathered on that day and saw us joined in holy matrimony by someone who knows and cares about us.

From the beginning of Jake and I’s relationship, Grandpa was the one who backed Jake from the start. My mom had her misgivings in the beginning because he’s 12 years my senior. She wanted to know what he was doing with a girl as young as me. Plus, my mother will still tell you to this day that Jake took me hostage. In a way, she’s not wrong. From the first day we got together, I’ve been stuck like glue to Jake ever since. Jake makes my heart swell sometimes when he says things. During our vows, Jake said that I’ve been his best friend for 3 years. He loves me more than anyone, he guides me the right direction in life and helps me to make good, responsible decisions.

Now this has kept me away from my mother and father. That is because they lead a bad life, they treat themselves badly and don’t take care of themselves. My mother lives in squalor and my father is in prison. They both struggle with addiction. I have a drug addiction as well, but at least my life isn’t falling apart around my ears. I do drugs, but I go to work everyday and I work hard and I make money. My body isn’t in the best shape and my mind neither, but at least I make money of my own. My mother and father sponge off other people. My mother is an emotional vampire.

My father never approved of Jake. One of the worst fights me and Johnny ever had was over Jake. I was outraged that Johnny would say anything bad about Jake when Jake is clearly the better man. Jake has taken care of me and provided for me since day one. When we first got together, Jacob did right by me. I remember feeling touched when we first got together because Jake said I didn’t have enough pants and we went to buy more clothes for me, because he cared. He’s always cared about me and did the right thing for me. When I first met Jake, I was living a bad life. I did have a drinking problem, even if I didn’t want to believe Jake at the time. Now I hardly ever touch the stuff, and I never drink alone.

At the wedding, it was chaotic as most weddings usually are. Even though I explained duties to people before the wedding, everyone was still looking to me to get everything done. I was stressed out beyond belief trying to coordinate everyone. It was very cool being a bride though- everyone does what you say, wants to help you in some way. I had my aunt running all over the gardens looking for Jake when we needed the car keys. My mother missed out on the getting ready pictures because everytime she came in the room, I had her go do something else to get things ready.

We were so busy, I almost didn’t have any time to get nervous. I’d been telling people for weeks, “I’m 98% excited, 2% scared.” But when it was all said and done and they’d finished getting me ready for the First Look photo shoot, I was standing in front  of the mirror by myself in the bathroom holding my bouquet. I asked for a moment alone to practice my vows, and after I’d said them out loud for the first time, suddenly I was shaking. I know my eyes were huge as I walked out to meet Jake for the first time in his tux. I was shaking so much I couldn’t open a pack of mints my mother gave me.


After seeing Jacob for the first time, he was all I saw. When it came time to walk down the aisle, I literally couldn’t tell you who all attended my wedding. I had tunnel vision, I only had eyes for him. Suddenly, this moment in my life felt larger than life and he was everything. He will be everything from now on, and I have no regrets.

Something Old…….. My Grandma’s Wedding Veil
Something New…….. My Shoes
Something Borrowed…….. Rhonda’s pearl bracelet
Something Blue……. “I Do” blue polka dots for shoes

We’re married now, and things could not be better. Jake is worried that marriage will change something between us, and it has. I won’t tell him though- the main change I have seen between us is he seems to have sprouted more patience overnight. He is so nice and caring towards me. For the last two weeks, everything has been, “Whatever you want, babe.” He also gave himself to me completely, and I have done things as his wife that no woman will ever do. We are in love, and we are here to stay. My husband looks so freaking good in the photo above, they could slap him on the cover of the Men’s Warehouse magazine.

More pictures;



Weird Wedding Thoughts

It’s bizarre to me how different my world is now from 5 years ago. I was 21, and my best friend was Elizabeth. She was the best friend I ever had, and also one of the few people in this world to show me what real love is. Before she moved away, we were very, very close. She knew everything about me and loved me anyway. We talked constantly, I stayed the night with her a lot. We were very close. She meant everything to me. We had a lot of good times, and got closer than close. My overwhelming feelings for her had me seeing her simultaneously while I was with one boyfriend. He knew we were close, just not that close. I told him in the end, though. About my feelings for her.

Now, things are so awkward. She left me, and I let the relationship die altogether. I wasn’t interested in anything long distance. Not a girlfriend, not even a long distance friendship. We just stopped talking- she didn’t approve of my fiance, and I don’t approve of her partner, either. Jacob did drive a wedge between us, and it was ultimately right for him to do so. We weren’t friends anymore, but estranged lovers. I can’t help but feel that one of my exes has snuck her way in.

She makes me nervous. Perhaps it’s vain, but I am actually afraid that a past lover of mine will speak up at the wedding, saying those dreaded words, “I object!!!” O_O If not my blonde ex-friend, then my other ex Hakim. He actually tried to see me before the wedding- he messaged me on facebook and told me he dropped by my old job. I was never so glad he doesn’t know where I work now! I should hate to see him. I would find it very disturbing if he crashed the wedding to ruin it. He might just have the balls to do that O_O

Not that it would change my mind in any way. I would be more horrified than anything. If Hakim crashed the wedding, it sounds like a disaster. I imagine Jake throwing a fit, thinking I’ve been seeing my ex behind his back and the whole thing going horribly. Jake running out on the wedding before it’s completed. I am desperately hoping nothing like that happens, but maybe I’m just being too self-involved. Surely no one would do that to me…… right?

My other fear as explained is Jake abandoning me at the altar and humiliating me. But I don’t even like to speak of that =X I mentioned it to Jake, and he said he wouldn’t do that to me, that we would hammer it out before that if it wasn’t going to work. Everything should be fine!! I feel like it’s all on track!

Less than one week ’til I’m a Mrs.!

Fate is a fickle bitch

Hello All,

Greetings and salutations! I hope your lives are going as planned as you read this. For mine is not! =( Fate threw a wrench in my plans, and so close to the wedding!! Yesterday, I went to the Indian clinic for a hangnail problem. It was supposed to be a minor surgery. I didn’t even take the day off work, thinking it wasn’t going to be such a huge deal.

Apparently my feet are really tough. They gave me 5 numbing shots and I still felt every bit of the pain my doctor inflicted on me. The toenail turned out to be in worse shape than they thought, and they were like, “Okay, so, how long are you going to take off work?” O.O What???? I told them I was scheduled to go in that day and they said absolutely not. They wanted me to take a whole week off!! I was horrified because of the position I was putting everyone in. We’re short staffed and it was bad timing for them, good timing for me.

On a positive note, I won’t be as stressed for the wedding. I kept wondering how I was going to get everything done, and now I’ve been handed 5 days off to take care of things and heal. Then, I will work for about 4 days and it will be my vacation for my wedding and my honeymoon!

Wedding Countdown Ticker

On a negative note, it hurts like hell. I have a huge boot on my foot they want me to wear for a week. Walking is a bitch. Jake and I went to the store earlier and he is so sweet, he suggested that I ride the automatic wheelchair at wal mart and it was pretty fun. I would have felt embarrassed, but Jake was such a sweetie saying everyone gets hurt baby.

I also wont be able to participate in some of the more fun activities I was planning for the honeymoon. I wanted to swim in the swimming pools while we’re away and that won’t be happening now 😦 *boo hoo*

Still got some running around to do for the wedding. Left to do:

  • Alterations on Veil
  • Balloon Order
  • Shoes for the dress
  • Order a Bouquet

Wish me luck!!

1 Million & 1 Thoughts Presented By Me

When I look in the mirror, I don’t recognize you. “Ooooh, I wanna make up my mind, but I don’t know myself.” -Mike Snow

If you’ve ever read the book Revolutionary Road by Richard Yates might be familiar with this concept. You become deeply depressed and mentally disturbed by the fact that you don’t actually know what you want- that’s why you do what you do, why you infuriate you- you don’t know what you’re doing, you don’t know what you want. And if you don’t know either of those, then you don’t know yourself.

It’s a horrible feeling when you stop to think about it. That’s just it, you don’t think about it most of the time. You play your life on loop day after day, and before you realize it you’re sobbing uncontrollably and losing your shit. You didn’t realize you were so unhappy, and the shit hits the fan all at once. You feel a tremendous amount of anxiety and grief, a horrible feeling of somehow being out of control of yourself. So melancholy and suddenly obsessed with all these perceived short comings now that you’re thinking about it.

I’ve been stressed at work lately. The schedules keep falling to shit and we are desperately short on people and I feel pretty pressed most of the time. I get too many people in my face and this weekend played havoc on my stress and anxiety levels. It was just wall to wall people, completely sold out for several nights in a row and to top it off we had a loud, family reunion congregating in my lobby and the amount of noise was out of control. I felt transported to back when there were pep rallies at school and how loud it was. I could barely stand people to talk to me and add one more thing to my list to do. I hated people on Thursday, I was ill all day and having a bad digestion day. I popped at least 4 anxiety pills that day.

Then, on Friday before it was time to go into work, I had an anxiety attack at my home. I was contemplating getting ready for work and doing my hair, and suddenly I noticed my hands were shaking and I was short of breath. I was slightly late because I had to make myself calm down before I could drive to work.

So, as you might have surmised, things are not necessarily going well with the new boss. She is letting me do things I would rather drop. I use to do a lot of the role because I was trying to get the job, and now it’s my turn to let go of a little. But that’s not what’s happening….

I feel like the new boss isn’t measuring up. I guess I was expecting a lot better, but instead this lady is gutzilla and is messier than me!! I tried so hard to be clean and make a first good impression, and the first day I met her, she left a huge mess for me to clean! And that has been a pattern for her so far, unfortunately. I dislike it heartily. I’m having to train my new boss and it’s aggravating. I want her to take more initiative. That’s not too much to ask.

Small things make me happy too, sometimes. I awoke from a wonderful dream earlier today. In my dream, the whole family was there. It was still sad news, because Granny was sick but not with diabetes. We were all seeing her off, like a final good bye party but at this party everyone was happy. She had both her legs and was standing next to Grandpa arms linked, and she was youthful and happy, her smile exuberant. I only remember it being that way in pictures. We were all wishing her goodbye.

I’ve felt particularly wistful about her lately, what with my nuptials and all. I feel excited because I know she will be present, she would not miss my day. Even beyond the grave, Granny will come to me and I will her spirit to enter the room, gladden everybody’s hearts. She was such a wonderful woman, and it will feel wonderful to feel her near again. I’ve missed her so much. Please help heal everyone, all of us, even beyond the grave. Your reach is that far, you can still reach us. I know you can help mend my mother, you can help my aunt and me, too. You always did. I miss you so much.

A Bridezilla Appears!! Beware David’s Bridal -OKC

Even though I’ve been quite stressed due to all this wedding bliss, I have actually been a pretty chill bride. That is, until the other day. My mother, maid of honor, and I went to pick up our dresses at David’s Bridal. When they brought me my dress, it did not have the beaded beautiful sash I ordered. I got quiet, and my friend started to rub my back reassuringly because she said my eyes were getting so big.

It turns out, they quoted me a price for the beaded sash and the wedding dress and then they did not place the order for the sash. When I went in that day, they said I would have to pay for the sash because I hadn’t already. I was pissed. It was an expensive sash!!!! The saleswoman was not trying to be helpful AT ALL. She told me the cost, and I looked at her disbelievingly. “I can’t get a discount because of the mistake?” I asked her and she looked like I was pulling her arm behind her back.

She reluctantly agreed to let me have the store model which was missing a few stones  for a discounted price. She went to the back to search for stones they could put in the missing places, and found a better sash (still sans some stones) Even at the discounted price, I still couldn’t afford the sash. I was really upset because I had called before we went to pick up the dress to make sure the sash was included in the price. They assured us, oh, yes, it comes with it. And what they didn’t realize is I meant the beaded sash. The sash that came with it was a simple white, plain ribbon and simply not the same. I was so upset, and my best friend stepped up for me. She whipped out her credit card and paid for it and I broke down into tears right at the check out line.

I was so embarrassed at the situation. I was unbelievably upset at the saleswoman because she didn’t really put in enough effort in her customer service skills. A bride who glares death daggers at you and has cried in your check out line out of humiliation and does not leave the store with a smile is not a happy bride! She will not say good things about your store, she will tell her friends how you screwed her over and furthermore embarrassed you. The wedding industry is a multi-million dollar industry, that saleswoman could have offered me the sash at their cost easily- it was $100! And they were the ones who made the mistake!!

They did not own up to the situation. Their attempts to make things right were feeble, at best. I was not happy with my experience and would never recommend them to any of my female friends. I had read negative reviews online, but thought I would give them a chance anyway, and I very much regret it. Don’t go to this store!!!

Tea Time with Jake and Lace

I am quite stressed about my upcoming wedding. There is no way I am going to be able to run this whole show. I don’t have enough money to accomplish everything. I don’t have the wherewithal. I feel so stupid since I waited so late to take care of things. I forgot it was coming up so soon, and now I’m screwed. I would like to feel less stressed. But there are still so many things to do;

Order cupcake cake (like the one featured above)
Order groom’s cake (Vegeta cake)
Get the guy to officiate our wedding
Rent linens for the tables (cancel)
Hire a photographer
Find money for honeymoon clothes

Wedding Countdown Ticker